For the record...
-I love you because you have given me no choice but to stay, stay, stay.-
The pounding in my head wouldn’t stop, and though the warm water was washing away all of the disgusting vomit from me I still felt dirty and disgusting.
I couldn’t get the horrified look on Mikey’s face out of my mind, and his question… his unanswered question. Do you love Gerard? I closed my eyes, horribly embarrassed with my body’s response.
I was surprised Mikey had driven home covered in vomit, though I guess he hadn’t had much of a choice. And for someone who had taken almost as many shots as I had… he drove well, which didn’t make it right that he drove at all but…
And the way he snuck me in past his parents, explaining to them that I didn’t feel well. They’d taken one sniff of him and had no reason to doubt him.
I was thankful that he immediately whisked me upstairs, because otherwise I’d have to answer some awkward questions like… Why was I dressed like a skank, and completely soaked? Oh, and why did I smell like alcohol? And the ever popular… Where is Gerard? Everyone wanted to know where Gerard was, and why I wasn’t glued to his side. Being in a relationship wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, even when it was a fake one.
“Tay, is there something in particular that you want me to grab from your room?” Mikey asked. I couldn’t even see him and I was blushing from prior embarrassment.
“Just whatever you can find.” I answered.
“Well, I could be in there forever with those directions.” Mikey warned. “How about you just wear a pair of my sweats? They will work for tonight, won’t they?”
I paused, nearly forgetting about the water altogether. “I thought you didn’t let girls wear your clothing.” He’d said that when we were first talking. I remembered it clearly. His obvious revulsion, and the cute grin he wore when talking about it.
Mikey chuckled. “Well, are you on your period?”
“I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to ask a girl that.” I teased.
“I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to ask girls to lay back on the food. No one ever said period talk was off limits.”
I choked on water, as a laugh bubbled up in my throat while I was taking a drink of the warm liquid. Anything to wash the revolting taste from my mouth. “It usually goes without saying that you don’t ever bring up either of those subjects.”
“Well, just make sure you wear one of those girly devices if you are on your period.” Mikey teased. “And tonight I’ll make an exception.”
Girly device? This time I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. “I’m not on my period so that shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Goody.” Mikey commented. “I hate when girls bleed from their vaginas. It’s like they take revenge on all males within a ten mile radius, and we have to suffer through their pain.”
His footsteps echoed away and I was left in the bathroom by myself, laughing over his words. He was such a goofball, and a gentleman… and a wonderful kisser, and sexy… and a strong swimmer. Pretty much everything I could ever need wrapped up in to one surprisingly scrawny guy.
And somehow even that was a turn on.
Mikey’s sweats were comfortable. As soon as I slipped them on I just wanted to fall in to bed. His t-shirt wasn’t as loose as Gerard’s were… then again he had less of a build, or maybe Gerard just wore bigger shirts… and had a bigger build. I limped to the bathroom sink, making sure not to put any weight on my hurt ankle.
Once at the sink I realized I didn’t have my toothbrush and I hadn’t asked Mikey to grab mine from the other room.
With a naughty thought I picked his up, contemplating what I was going to do. He would probably hate me. I was lazy, and my brain still wasn’t working at full capacity- / I was sure of that/. Otherwise I’d have never even had the idea.
I applied a liberal amount of toothpaste and began vigorously brushing my teeth with Mikey’s toothbrush.
I didn’t even notice him enter the bathroom, until he was standing directly behind me. I stared at his reflection in the mirror, slowly lowering his toothbrush from my mouth. “Hi.” I was blushing again. I had the feeling it would be a regular thing now.
“Hi.” Mikey responded. He didn’t say a thing about his toothbrush, but I know he noticed. I tried to quickly rinse it off, but my eyes were glued to Mikey’s in the mirror.
“I don’t love him.” I whispered the words, feeling a pang of pain as they slipped out. This would be painful. I figured out the reason I cared this time… It wouldn’t just be painful for Gerard and Mikey. It would hurt me too. It already was.
Mikey didn’t press the issue, but he didn’t have to. I’d had one too many… and well, I was loosened up. “I don’t love him at all Mikey because, well, I love you.”
It was out.
Floating around the bathroom, forcing the tension between us to become identified.
I loved Mikey Way, and I was lying to him about everything else but that one single fact and he would never forgive me. I would never forgive me.
Mikey took a deep breath. “You… what?”
“I love you Mikey Way.” I couldn’t turn around as I forced myself to maintain eye contact with him. “I love your gentle nature, and the way you make me laugh… and I love how you smell, and how your sweats feel when I’m wearing them… and I love the way you make love to me, and the way you kiss me.” Whoa, overboard. That had to be the alcohol talking.
But it was the truth.
Mikey’s eyes had widened.
“And I love the way you take care of me… and most of all, I love the way you look at me.” The way he’d looked at me from the beginning. It seemed impossible. I swear it was impossible. He’d fallen too soon… but he’d taken me down with him.
It wasn’t until our silence had settled in the room that I turned to face Mikey. Mikey’s soft hand slipped underneath a mess of my hair, and he positioned my face up towards his as I stared at him… waiting, waiting for something.
“For the record… I loved you first.” Mikey whispered, right before his lips crashed down upon mine.
That was the moment I knew.
Things would never be the same, because I’d fucked up.
I’d totally fucked everything I could’ve had up.
And though the truth hung at the tip of my tongue it wasn’t my truth to tell, and so I kept my silence even as it ate at me.
“Say it again.” Mikey begged, as he pulled his lips away from mine.
Almost immediately I itched to feel him, everywhere. I wanted him so badly, and so the truth easily slipped out. Too bad it wasn’t the truth that he needed to hear. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Mikey whispered back.
The happiness in his voice nearly made me cry.