Damn it, no.
Someone tell me how the fuck I am supposed to say this. Howthefuck am I supposed to inform thousands, possibly millions of dedicated fans that their savior, their hero – is dying? Do I break it to them gently, or just tell them the truth; as it is, no sugarcoating?
What if I was one of them? How would I feel? How would I want to be told?
At the hospital, I didn’t want the dilly-dallying that Dr. Assface wouldn’t shut up with. I wanted the truth. The flat-out, soul-crushing truth. Nothing more, and nothing less.
Maybe I should write it like a letter. A personal letter, to each individual fan, instead of a news broadcast.
Hey guys, Frank here. There’s something you all deserve to know, and although I wish with all of my heart that I didn’t have to tell you, I do. From here on out, My Chemical Romance is a thing of the past. We’ve tried everything to do what it takes to bring it back, but we’ve hit a dead-end here, and we’re only wasting time trying to bring back what’s already gone.
I say that, yet I know very well I will still go on trying to bring Gerard back. I’ll still fight with every piece of life left in me.
Even though he’s already as good as gone.
“Ray?” I called out.
“How much should I tell them?” I asked, referring to whether I should bring up the punching incident or not.
“I trust your judgment. You’ll know what feels right.”
Big help you are.
A little while ago, Gerard started acting different. Some of you who have come to our more recent shows may have seen this with your very eyes. He would forget things, and act aggressively towards those he loves most. Then other times, he would just disappear. He would just… drift away. Like he didn’t even exist.
About a week ago, he was diagnosed with Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. His brain is essentially eating itself away, and that is what has been causing these abnormalities. We’ve done everything in our power to reverse it, but the doctors have said that by the time they would be able to cure him, he will be dead. It’s a very DNA-specific, aggressive disease, and virtually impossible to cure.
For the next few months, we will be here, in New Jersey, taking care of Gerard and making sure he is as comfortable as he can be. He’s weak right now, but he’s only going to get weaker. I hope you understand that we need to be with him right now because all too soon, it won’t even be an option.
We are no longer My Chemical Romance. We are Frank, Mikey, Ray, and Gerard. Although in about 3 months time, I suppose it will just be Frank, Mikey, and Ray.
Keep your heads up high, and don’t forget us. If you ever need us, we’re still there. Blast us as loud as you want to; scream it at the top of your lungs if that’s what you need to do. Just don’t let yourselves slip away. Live the life that Gerard can’t.
We’ll always love you.
It wasn’t until I signed my name at the end that I realized I was crying. Tears poured down my face and onto the faded keys of my laptop, and it became abundantly clear to me, how much our lives are about to change.
Everything we’ve ever known, everything that we ever were is crashing down around us. And we have no choice; we don’t have a fucking choice but to leave our fates in the hands of chance. It’s a scary thing. Not the kind of scary that you feel when you watch a horror movie or find a spider in your bed, but the kind of scary you used to feel as a little kid, when you fell off your bike. You knew it was happening, and for that millisecond before you hit the ground, you could only pray to God that you wouldn’t be hurt too bad. And then before you even knew it, you were on the ground, and your fate had been decided for you.
That’s what it feels like.
“R-Ray, it’s-s finished.” I stuttered, ushering him over to read the contents of my heart and soul.
He came over and pulled up a stool beside me.
“You okay?” He asked as he scrolled up to the top of the page, where the letter began.
“I’m not fucking okay.”
I’m not okay, I’m not o-fucking-kay.
I kept my eyes on him as he read. He appeared to be pretty unfazed by it at first, but then all of a sudden, something burst inside of him. That little bubble, full of emotion and hurt that he kept from the world, exploded like no bomb the world has ever seen before.
“Fr-Frank, how… how are we s-supposed to do this?” He sobbed, his tears mixing with mine in pools around the keys. “We-We’re just kids, we’re not s-supposed to have to know what to do…”
“Ray, we’re doing okay. We’re m-making it so far.” I said, choking back tears.
He doesn’t know yet. You’re doing just fine.
“S-Sometimes, things happen that are beyond our control. Someone above us, somewhere out there… we gotta trust.” I added.
“B-B-But who out there, would k-kill him? And more importantly, w-why? Nobody has any answers, Frank.”
“We live in a world without answers. Think about it… why does the earth spin the way it does? How do animals communicate to each other? Is it possible to read the future? Nobody has answers, and yet we’re all content to live without them.”
“S-So what do you propose we do?” He asked.
Lord, help me.
“Keep ourselves together, and give him everything we can, while we still can. If we don’t, we’re going to regret it for the rest of our lives, and you know it.”
He nodded his head and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.
“Post the fucking thing.” He said.
I pulled my laptop back in front of me and hovered over the “post” button.
This is it. One simple click of the mouse, and the whole world will know. One click, and our reality will become their reality.
“Just do it!” Ray cried. “Get it the hell over with, Frank. It’s not gonna get any easier.”
I’m a paralytic of my own mind.
Or my heart. If I still have one.
Almost on its own, my finger made the click. And in that second, it was done.
“All hell’s gonna break loose, you do know that right?” I laughed.
Ray leaned over the counter and pressed the screen of my laptop down.
“Don’t watch it. Just leave it, for now.” He said.
Mikey paced through the hall like a ghost, his feet half-walking on air.
“Mikey, what are you doing…” I said from the doorway of my make-do room.
“It keeps dragging on and on and on…” He whispered hoarsely. “On and on…”
He looks terrible.
“How long has it been since you took a shower?” I asked.
“5 days, give or take.”
“How long since you ate?”
He kept pacing back and forth back and forth back and forth like I wasn’t even there. Like I was just a voice inside his head, keeping him from taking his own sanity.
“2 days.” He mumbled.
“Okay we all need to work together in this, which means that you have to be in optimum condi-“
“I can’t, though. Do you expect me to carry on like everything is normal? Everything’s fine and fucking dandy, ain’t it, Frank?”
Fine and fucking dandy, it is.
“You’re only hurting him more.” I said. “If you’re not in a well enough state to be there for him and take care of him, what else does he have left? You’re his brother, he needs you…”
“Shit Frank, what’s the point?”
“Nobody knows. Nobody ever will know, please just listen to me.” I begged.
He stopped pacing and stared at me dead straight with eyes of fire.
“What can we lose? What can we honestly lose?” I said.
He didn’t answer, only stared at me harder as the fire turned to daggers.
“Take a shower. Get something to eat. And go to bed, please. I’ll take over. Please.”
He held out his hand in front of him, as if we were signing a business agreement. I shook his hand and then continued down the hall and into Gerard’s room.
He lay on his bed, eyes open and staring out the window in front of him. He didn’t move, but his pale skin shone in the sunlight.
He’s still alive.
“Hi, Frank.” He said.
“You doing alright?”
“The light’s a bit bright. Can you close the blinds?”
“Sure.” I smiled, pulling the blinds across the window and eclipsing the only source of life in the room.
His eyesight is going. Fast. And he’s so so sensitive to light now, even though he can barely see it. Says it hurts.
“What can you see?” I asked.
“Just this… brightness.” He answered. “It’s not even a shape, it’s just there. Are they closed all the way?”
“Yeah. But let’s try something.”
I took a towel from the closet and draped it across the window and over the blinds, blocking out any remains of sunlight.
“Yeah.” He said with a smile. “Thanks, Frank.”
I sat down on the edge of his bed and pushed stray strands of faded black hair out of his eyes.
“You can get in if you want.” He said.
I’m too close to you already, Gee.
I climbed into bed with him and pulled the covers up over the both of us. His shivering body shook the bed and he pulled them up higher.
“Here.” I said as I slid one arm under his neck and the other around his torso. His ribs protruded through his skin and stuck into my fingers like spines, but I still couldn’t resist tracing my fingers over and through them, feeling every single indent and ridge.
“Th-Thanks.” He said, cuddling in closer to me.
Breathe in, breathe out. That’s all it takes.
The shivering was brought to a halt and I felt a sense of accomplishment. I’ve always been the tiny one; the little kid of the four of us. And to be able to do what I just did for Gerard, small as it is, makes me feel like this whole ordeal is somehow worth it.
Remember those lyrics he wrote a few months ago?
And if they only knew what I would say if I could be with you tonight. I would sing you to sleep, never let them take the light behind your eyes. One day I’ll lose this fight; as we fade in the dark, just remember you will always burn as bright.
I wonder if he knew…
You can’t read the future, remember?
We live in a world without answers.