The van is stuck on the side of the road. First are revealed and Tristan has another nightmare and doesn't want to talk about it. Gerard doesn't know what to do about their relationship. He and Tri...
A Kiss Goodbye, Your Twisted Shell
End of May 2002
I can hear my name being called off in the distance. The voice is male and unfamiliar.
Who is that?
What do they want?
I am in a dark alley in the middle of the night, it’s raining like crazy and I can hardly see anything around me. I am soaked to the bone. My heart is pounding. I am crying.
Why am I crying?
Why am I here?
Where is everyone else?
Where’s the van?
I am draped in Gerard’s hoodie. I reach into the pocket-
“Fuck!” I cry as I am stabbed with a sharp object in the pocket. I pull it out with my bloodied hand to see a knife.
A bloody knife. It wasn’t all my blood. I had barely cut myself.
Whose blood is this?
I hunker down on the ground behind a dumpster and wait for the unknown male.
The rain was coming down in sheets now and it was freezing. I was shaking all over, but not from being cold, but from being scared.
Who is that?
I peek my head around the corner of the dumpster and see no one.
Where is that coming from?
It was growing louder and louder, but no one was there.
I stood up and walked out into the middle of the alley.
No one was there.
I recognized the voice now.
“Gerard?” I questioned.
No one was there still.
“Oh Tristan how could you do that?” Gerard’s voice was pleading.
“How could I do what?” I asked no one.
“OH my God Tristan! Where did you go? Why did you leave me?” Gerard screamed.
I ran toward the voice but somehow ended up in exactly the same spot I had started. I stopped running and looked around again. Still no one was around.
I could hear him crying and swearing, but I couldn’t see him.
“Why? How could you leave me like this? I loved you!” He screamed in agony.
I fell to my knees trying not to panic.
“Where are you?” I cried. “I’m right here! Follow my voice!” I screamed into the darkness. Rain was still coming down furiously, not relenting in the least.
Still no one came, but I could see a crimson puddle forming underneath me. I searched my person and found that I had slit my wrists.
When did I do that?
How did I not feel it?
Was this why I had the knife?
I stopped questioning myself for a moment.
“Am I dead?” I asked myself.
“Oh my God Tristan…” Gerard cried out in the darkness, still not seen.
I killed myself.
When did I do that?
Why did I do that?
I thought I was better. I was finally in a relationship with Gerard. I had everything I wanted.
“I loved you…Tristan….you were my heart and soul….” He sobbed.
I threw the knife into the darkness in frustration.
“WHY?” I asked myself. I kicked back on my legs and landed on my butt. I pulled my knees up and began rocking back and forth.
“You left me alone…..” Gerard cried.
I put my hands on my ears and started singing ‘Demolition Lovers’ loudly to drown out Gerard’s sobs.
I’m so sorry.
I never meant to leave you.
The rain stopped abruptly. I put my arms down and stopped singing.
The blood was still dripping from my arms, but it didn’t bother me.
“Gerard?” I asked into the darkness. The dark alley was familiar to me now.
It was the alley Gerard had first kissed me.
I committed suicide in this alley?
“Really?” I asked myself sarcastically.
I could hear him again. He was crying softly off in the distance. Nowhere to be seen.
I heard a sound of someone walking toward me. I got up off the ground and waited for the unseen person.
I could see the silhouette of a person. A man.
“Who are you?” I asked nervously.
The man stepped into the alley street light, revealing a tear stained face of Gerard.
“Gerard?” I asked, stepping forward.
He looked past me. Not at me.
“Gerard?” I asked once again, but he didn’t even look at me.
I walked toward him, putting my hand up to touch his face and it went right through him.
What the hell?
I tried to touch him again and it went straight through his face.
I’m really dead.
He can’t see me.
Before I could try again, he disappeared.
“NO! Come back!” I cried desperately.
I awoke to a steaming cup of coffee dangling in front of my face. My heart was pounding from the incredibly vivid nightmare I had just woken from. Gerard had no idea I was even having a nightmare. Why am I always having these strange nightmares?
“Wakey, Trist,” Gerard’s sing song voice rang out and he smiled sweetly as I opened my eyes to see his gorgeous face looking back at me. He took his seat next to me as I got up and reached for my coffee with a grateful smile, trying to act like I was completely fine.
He then whispered in my ear, “Good morning, beautiful.”
I know I blushed, I can’t help it. I smiled shyly at him as he sipped his coffee.
“Are you ok?” Gerard asked. He knows me too well. He could probably see it on my face. I wasn’t ok.
“Yea, I’m fine. Where’d the coffee come from?” I asked while sipping my hot coffee and changing the subject.
Gerard tucked the loose hair behind my ear and answered, “Mikey, Frank, and I walked to the gas station a mile or so back. I thought you could use a pick-me-up.”
“You sir, were right. Thanks,” I took another grateful sip of the caffeinated drink.
I listened to Frank as he talked to Jamia.
Mikey and Hannah were making out. Isn’t it a little early for that?
Ray and Matt were still asleep or just quiet. I wasn’t sure which.
Frankie peeked up over the seat at Gerard and I and said, “Tim’s on his way. He finally answered the damn phone. I would say he’ll be here in like an hour or so.”
I felt sarcastic so I said, “Finally,” I mocked.
Frank just laughed it off as nothing because I was cranky with it being so damn early in the morning and we had spent the night in the van and I had had a fucking nightmare.
I felt rested even with having had a nightmare and sleeping in a small space on an old smelly van seat. I think it was being so close to Gerard. He held me close and tight. It was an amazing feeling being held by someone who shared your feelings.
I pulled Gerard’s jacked off my body and handed it to Gerard, “Thanks,” I smiled.
“You’re welcome, Trist,” Gerard grinned sideways while taking the jacket back, slinging it over the back of the seat.
I went back to sipping my hot coffee and listening to the group talk amongst themselves.
“Yea my first kiss was terrible,” Hannah giggled nervously, “I was eight years old and the boy tried to eat my face.”
Mikey grinned, “No way. That’s gross. Mine was when I was twelve with my girlfriend at the time. It was a peck really,” Mikey admitted with a smile.
“At least it wasn’t as bad as Gerard’s,” Matt spoke from the front of the van.
I turned to look at Gerard. His face had gone red, “What?” I asked.
He shook his head, “I was five years old, Matt. He’s making fun of me because it was a little girl named Gloria. She isn’t even in New Jersey anymore. She just tackled me,” Matt was cracking up now. Douche. “And planted one on me. She didn’t even ask,” Gerard chuckled.
“That’s nothing, man,” Frank chimed in. “My first kiss was Sara at summer camp when I was ten. She had braces and she cut the fuck out of my bottom lip. It bleed everywhere.”
I giggled because I remembered him coming home with a gash in his lip and trying to tell Dad what had happened. It was hilarious. I was six and I laughed my little ass off at the whole situation. Frank didn’t appreciate it at the time.
Jamia patted Frank on the head in comfort, while the whole group busted with laughter.
“Well you all know who mine was,” Jamia interrupted us. We all knew it had been Frank, which was super sweet.
“Ray, what’s your first kiss story?” Mikey asked while cleaning his glasses with his the end of his shirt.
I took another sip of my warm coffee, hoping no one would ask me.
“Oh,” Ray started, “It was Carrie when I was in the fourth grade. Nothing to write home about really.”
Hannah smiled and then locked eyes with me, “Well Tristan, how about you, girly?” She questioned. Damn.
I could feel all eyes on me and before I opened my mouth to speak-
“Her first kiss was with me,” Mikey spoke up while putting his glasses back on and smiling at me. Busted. I felt Gerard go tense next to me.
“What?” Gerard asked in a low tense tone. Shit. He’s mad.
“I was ten years old, ok,” I breathed, “I just kissed Mikey because I wanted to know what it felt like. He was sitting on the couch when you were gone and I reached up and kissed him suddenly. He was surprised,” Mikey chuckled.
“Surprised?” Mikey busted out laughing.
“It was awkward and we never talked about it. I was just a kid,” I explained. Gerard visibly relaxed as I explained my naivety. The group continued to laugh and me and I let out a breath of relief.
“Speaking of firsts…I’m curious,” Jamia stated, “What about everybody’s first time? Mine was with this guy,” She pointed to Frank and he smiled proudly.
“Yea, we were each other’s firsts,” Frank grinned. The whole group groaned and made puking motions at their cuteness.
Hannah smiled, “Mine was when I was seventeen with my ex boyfriend, Greg. It wasn’t too bad,” She blushed.
Mikey caressed her face tenderly and said, “Hmm, mine was with Jamie from Eyeball.”
“No fucking way, dude?” Frank exclaimed, “You dirty bastard!”
Mikey chuckled and threw his hands up in the defeat, “What can I say? She was insanely hot!”
Matt peeked back at Mikey and said, “Jamie was my first too.”
Mikey gaped, “Really?”
“Yea, man. I went to high school with her before she started working for Eyeball Records,” Matt explained.
Ray coughed, drawing attention to him, “Mine was with my old babysitter, Stacy. I was fourteen,” He grinned at his fond memory.
“Your babysitter?” Matt questioned.
“Yea, man, my babysitter,” Ray answered proudly. The rest of the van laughed like crazy.
It was strange hearing all their stories, knowing I was still a virgin. What a dirty word to all these people. I held my breath hoping they wouldn’t notice I hadn’t shared a story yet.
“Gerard, how about you?” Jamia asked while tugging Frank’s hoodie on.
I took a tentative sip of my luke warm coffee, the caffeine running through my veins like a sunset. I hope they don’t ask me.
“Oh mine?” Gerard questioned, “It was Laura Mason when I was in the tenth grade. My prom date.”
“YEA!” Mikey said, “I forgot about her!”
“Yea, it was nothing special. We just did it,” Gerard shrugged while taking a cigarette out of his pocket and lighting it.
“Hey what about Tristan?” Matt asked above the chatter of the others.
I know my face went crimson. Shit. That mother fucker! I fucking hate you so much.
My heart was pounding. I felt like I would be judged if I told the truth. I gulped nervously, “Um…actually I’m still a….” I breathed, “A um…virgin.” I finally spilled the truth.
I stole a look over at Gerard. He was smiling at me.
“That’s ok,” Jamia reassured me.
“Yea you better be,” Frank sternly stated as I chilled out. “Oh hell yea! There’s Tim!” Frank shouted all of a sudden. All heads jerked to see Tim pull up in his red ford truck.
Everyone vacated the van, aside from Gerard and me.
I looked over at him nervously, meeting his beautiful hazel eyes. His short ebony hair was ruffled from sleep and he looked really tired. I watched him pop a Xanax and take a poof off his nearly smoked cigarette.
“Did you get any sleep?” I asked cautiously, knowing he would be angry over my secret about Mikey and my first kiss.
“Yea, I slept fine,” He took another drag off the cigarette, “Why didn’t you tell me about you and Mikey?” See there it is. I knew it.
“I was ten. I didn’t even think about it. I just did it. I was stupid and young,” I rushed through my answer. Please don’t be mad at me. I can’t fucking take it.
Gerard nodded, “So are you not thinking when it comes to us?” he questioned.
“What? Of course not. I have thought about us for a long time,” I answered wondering where that question came from. You aren’t ending this already are you?
“Good. You have thought about the repercussions of our relationship?” He questioned.
I thought for a moment, “Yes I have, but honestly this isn’t a relationship to me. We are never alone and we haven’t had a chance to be a couple.” I added to see what he would say. We are never alone. Why is that?
Gerard flicked his cigarette out the window and moved closer to where I could feel his hot breath on my ear and neck. Oh goddamn. He whispered in my ear, “You don’t think this is a relationship?” He questioned as he ran his hand down my face and down to my chin, lifting my head to his. He planted a soft sensual kiss on my trembling lips. It was brief, but oh so damn hot. I smiled coyly as he pulled away.
As he looked away to see if anyone had seen our little scene, I tried to hide my shaking hands. What the hell is wrong with you? It’s not like he’s never kissed you before. A few times actually. Hold yourself together, Tristan.
Gerard looked back at me and grinned. “I’m sorry we haven’t been alone. I have been trying to get Matt to play better and be nicer. He’s stubborn.” That is an understatement. “I want to make this work. You are my everything. I hope you know that.” I’m your everything? Wow. Gerard grabbed my hand and laced his fingers in mine.
I couldn’t help but smile wider. He’s so damn sweet. “I know,” I lie. I really didn’t know till now. “Are you angry with me about not telling you about Mikey?” I asked, holding his hand tighter.
Gerard shifted to where he was facing me and I was holding my breath. “No I’m not mad. I was just shocked. Guess you’ve kissed both of the Way brothers,” He smirked. I flushed once again, visibly embarrassed at his statement.
“Well you’re the only one I want to kiss now!” I retorted, still looking into his hazel eyes.
Gerard ran his free hand through his short ruffled hair, “So I have to ask, what did you dream about?”
I looked away and out the window, “Why do you ask?” I tried not to sound upset. You know me too well.
Gerard sighed, “Hey look at me,” and he reached for my chin and directed my face to his. He looked sad, “You kept say my name softly in your sleep and whimpering.”
Shit. My damn mind. I bit my lower lip in frustration, “Oh it was nothing.” I lied.
“Tristan…” Gerard started-
“Van’s fixed!” Hannah and Jamia hollered as they got back in the van.
I knew the conversation was over now. Gerard took his hand out of mine. Dammit.