(In honor of all my fellow writers who have fallen - which is sadly quite a few - in my years on here) Suicide is such an ugly word, Gerard....
His face told me he didn't believe that silent lie one bit. But what would I tell him? 'No I sliced up my arms after I saw you and Bert back stage'? "Okay. Get to bed soon." I nodded again.
I watched as he walked down the hall, looking back at me with those eyes. My breath lost it's slow pattern as he did. He didn't seem to notice it.
When he disappeared behind the curtian of his bunk, I opened my notebook again and looked back at my note.
'Hey you guys. I know I kinda sound like a hyprocrite right now, but oh well. You guys never seemed to notice, or didn't care enough to say anything, but I've never really felt like I belonged anywhere, not even with the band.
I really need you guys to understand. There's nothing I can do to change the world. I'm just the short guitar playing freak of My Chem.
I doubt anyone even notices me unless Gerard does something with me on stage. Don't get me wrong, those are the only moments that made me feel okay.
Better than okay. I guess I'll never get another chance to say this, so here it is. Gerard, I love you. I've loved you since we met, honestly.
If you never had any feelings for me, oh well. I feel like a stupid school girl right now anyway.
You all know I hate goodbyes. Mostly cause I'll be seeing you when you die - which better not be for a LOOOOOONG time!!!!!! - in heaven.
And just because this happened, I want you guys to keep going on with My Chem. If the band ends because of this, I'll kick all your angel asses when we meet again.
This is you guys' dream. It was mine too, but now.... I don't know.
So, it's been cool, I guess. And none of this has anything to do with any of you.
As a dying request, Gerard, I want you to go under my mattress in my bunk and get my journal. I know you know where it is, but you've never read it.
Another reason I love you. But, after I'm gone, I thibk it might be the only thing that'll keep you sane. Share what's in it if you want.
Mom, I love you. You did your best with your fucked up little spawn of the devil, andi love you for putting up with all my shit.
And to the fans - though I doubt any of you really know who I am - rock on and don't ever forget to love yourselves. I don't even know if any of you will ever hear this.
I don't want to hurt anyone, this is all personal, I swear. But I know all of you will probably feel responsible.
Please don't though, okay? I really don't want you too. Please.
I'm going to wait until you all fall asleep before I do anything. I'm not stupid.
Or maybe you guys think I am for doing this. Whatever.
I'll see you guys later, I guess.
I love you all.
I love you Gee.'
There were tear marks all over the page, which made more drop from my eyes and water out some of the ink. I rolled up my sleeves and set the notebook face up and open on the table next to the chair.
I headed to the kitchen where we kept the meds and opened the cabinet. From it, I took the big bottle of pain killers. I got down a cup and filled it with water.
Taking both, I headed back to the chair and sat down. I opened the bottle and poured at least twenty pills into my hand, all five hundred count in strength.
I put them all in my mouth, swallowing them with the water. I felt them all drop in my empty stomach.
Oh yeah. I gotta eat for them to work. With a sigh, I stood up and picked am apple out of my fruit bowl.
After a few bites, I couldn't really feel my fingers enough to hold it. That was fast.
I heard the apple hit the floor with a soft thud. Settling back, I set my hands in my lap.
My eyes slid shut, though I want sure if it was the pills it me being so tired. After what seemed like hours, I was being shaken.
It was hard to open my eyes. When I did, it took a secinf for the blur to fade enough for me to see a fuzzy Gee. "Frankie, I went let you committ suicide!" He said as he kept shaking me.
"Suicide is such an ugly word, Gerard....." I sighed. My hesd was so light, I wasn't sure how that came out exactly.
"No, it's not. Only when your friends do it." I heard his voice faintly. "How long ago did you take the pills?" He asked in a hurry.
A small laugh lifted my chest in a huff. "Let me go." I breathed.
"No! I won't ever let you go!" He cried.
"Why?" I asked in a whisper. My heart was struggling in my chest.
"Because I love you Frankie!" I smiled more to myself than to him.
"Too. Late." I said in seperate beats. I felt his hands on my face, his lips on mine.
But that was it. I couldn't react.
I don't know is my eyes were shut or not, but all I saw was black. Nothing at all but the black.
"Frankie." I heard Gee's sobbing voice loud and clear.
Suddenly, I was moving. There were other voices, but I focused on his. "Don't you dare give up on me!" He shouted.
"We're losing him!" A voice drowned him out. Beeping. A hum.
Then a burst of light and a pain in my chest. And another. "We have a pulse!" Was all I heard before I slipped away from the voices again.
"Frankie, please wake up. Please Frankie." I heard his voice again. Gerard. My Gerard.
I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn't. There was a heat in my hand that I focused on.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Frankie. Maybe we wouldn't be here if I had. I love you. I'm so sorry." I heard the tears in his voice.
The heat didn't fade, but he was silent. "Frankie, wake up. Please I need to know you're okay." I heard him say much later.
I tried force my eyes open, but I couldn't. An angry breath left me, making him gasp. "Frankie? Can you hear me?" Ge squeezed my hand.
I tried my hardest to squeeze back. When I heard his cry of joy, I sighed.
Say something. "Sorry." It was hardly a breath.
"Open your eyes for me. Please." he begged. Using all my focus, I tried to open my eyes again.
There was a little crack of light before I lost the little bit of energy I'd used. "Come on, you almost got it!" I heard him say excitedly.
I tried again and there he was, his damn eyes over mine. Something wet fell intro my eye, making me flinch back. "Sorry." Gerard laughed softly.
"Don't yout ever do that again!!" He yelled loudly. I jumped at that, blinking rapidly. His face was bright red, his eyes full of tears. "I thought I'd lost you dammit!" He cried.
"Sorry." Was all I could say. I pulled him to me weakly, wrapping my arm around his shoulders.
He kissed me hard, making the monitor freak out behind us. "I love you." I sighed as he climbed into the bed with me. He curled against me, his face to mine.
"I love you too." I smiled at him, my eyes closing. "If your ever do that again, I will hit you though." I laughed softly, not opening my eyes.
"Lets sleep. You look tired." I took his hands in mine, the one without the IV in it. "I'll be here when you wake up."
"Promise?" I heard the fear in his voice. I nodded and leached forward, my lips finding his nose easily.
"Promise." I let my body steal his heat and let the goosebumps roll down my arms and spine as we fell asleep.
For all the writers who have died, we all miss you.
R+R or not. If you lost a friend, I'm sorry.
Hugs and Hearts,