Time has no meaning here, for I know not how long I have been here, nor now much longer I will stay. All I know is that I am here, and it is here that I have seen heaven, hell, and everything in between.
This is the in between.
Here, I have seen everything my human mind could never have even begun to comprehend. I’ve seen the things that I never saw, because I didn’t want to live with the consequences. I’ve seen everything that I ever was, never was, and ever could have been.
And what hurts the most out of those is what could have been.
I stood on one side of this, this… portal. There was nothing around me; but in front of me, on the other side of the portal, was something I would give anything to unsee. But never will.
On the other side, I saw a park. A park with grass greener than emeralds, trees as high as the moon, and a sun like a mighty God, beating down and encasing the world in its tender warmth. And in that park, was myself. I was young, happy, and so damn full of life. I watched myself as I walked through the park; my long dark hair blowing in the breeze and bright olive eyes shining in the sunlight as my feet took steps as light as air.
Where I was going, I didn’t know quite yet. But time seemed to freeze as my eyes took in every part of the me that I never knew, because I fucked up and I threw all this away, without as much as wondering if maybe the other path could have been better.
Then, I watched myself run. I ran and ran, with the energy and the demeanor of a 10 year old. And after what seemed such a short time, I leapt into the arms of a man. I held onto him like I planned to never let go. It was so real and innocent… so pure. And then I caught a glimpse of the man’s face.
It took me a minute or two to fully realize who it was. I knew he looked familiar and even from the very second I first saw him, something in my heart cried out to him. Those brilliant hazel eyes and long black hair and perfectly toned stature didn’t just emerge out of thin air. They came from the deepest, darkest spaces of my heart and my soul.
That man was Gerard.
And then I was forced to stand there and watch, as everything my life could have been played out before my very eyes. I tried to escape, but no matter where I looked or where I ran, my worst nightmare stood before me.
If I hadn’t fucked it up with Gerard, if I hadn’t told him to get out of my life, If I had realized the extent to which I would regret it only minutes after I said it, that could have been me. And maybe if I had taken a minute to rethink the path I took, I could’ve died a natural death, with Gerard… and maybe I wouldn’t have had an in between, because I would only be relieving my own life. Or maybe I would relive it, and I would smile in sweet nostalgia and remember how it felt to be held in his arms and press my lips to his with the gentlest touch. But instead, I lived a half-life of regret, addiction, and pure misery like a knife in my chest that I could never remove. Because I didn’t know… I didn’t know….
I wonder what his in-between was? Did he see me? Did he hate me for being the one to choose his path for him? He has every right to hate me. In this moment, I hate myself more than I ever thought to be possible.
They said that the in between is the closest to hell you’ll ever get.
They were right.