Frank felt more hurt and rejected than he ever had in his life, and that was asking a lot. Frank had been rejected by the girl he was infatuated with in high school when he asked her to prom, that experience, though not long ago, still scarred him. Was there something wrong with him? Should he have waited until Gerard gave him permission to kiss him? Frank just didn't understand what was wrong, but he wanted to know. He need to know.
“Is this about kissing you? Because really Gerard, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that when I know you have issues with people.”
“There’s your answer,” Gerard sighed, plopping down on the couch again, the anger he had vanishing and leaving him feeling like an empty void, no emotions but sadness filling him.
“It’s the kissing thing?” Frank looked down at the ground in shame, he knew he would regret kissing Gerard so carelessly but he couldn't help it. Frank felt like at the time it was the right thing to do but maybe he had read the signs all wrong.
“Then really I don’t-” Frank stopped and tried to think again, what had he done wrong? “Can you help me understand?”
“I don’t have an issue with people.” Gerard said definitively, “I have an issue with strangers. I mean, I don’t like people I don’t know or know I can trust.”
“But I don’t get what any of this has to do with me,” Frank tried to explain. “You know me, I'm not a stranger, I've known you for so long now I mean, I don’t understand why you wouldn't want to at least try and be with me-”
“Frank, when is my birthday?”
“What?” Frank asked, wanting to hear the question again, he hadn't been listening because he was rambling.
“When is my birthday?” Gerard repeated slowly, as if talking to a five year old.
“Um..” Frank thought for a while and there was a silence.
“What’s my favourite TV show?” Gerard tried another question and then another, “What am I afraid of?”
Frank just stared into spacing, hoping the answers would come to him, but if he was truthful he just didn't know.
“You don’t know me,” Gerard sighed, “You know a few things about me, sure, but not enough. Not enough to want to accept me fully. Not enough to want to be my boyfriend.”
“But I think I do,” Frank said, paused, and then decided to clarify, “Know enough, I mean.”
“I wish you knew enough about me,” Gerard smiled, or at least tried to, “I hope and I pray that one day you’ll know enough to finally see that you can’t be with me like that. I can’t have a family, or friends, or a life. You’d never want to be with me. I'm awful.”
“You keep telling me what I can and can’t do,” Frank shouted, his voice raising in volume and anger that he couldn't control, “But when will you learn that I'm the only one who can decide what’s right for me!”
“It’s a lot like what happened with my parents,” Gerard pointed out, “I know things that you don’t and I let you make the wrong decision despite knowing what would happen. I'm not going to let that happen again.”
“No, Frank! Just, just find a girl, start a family and be happy. Sometimes being alone can be helpful for me, y’know? Just let me be alone.”
“You’d never survive on your own, Gerard. What are you trying to say?” Frank’s anger was gone and he felt anxious, but maybe he was just over thinking what Gerard had said.
“I'm saying that my illness is going to either kill me on it’s own, or I’ll die trying to fix myself,” Gerard put his head in his hands, letting them glide over his features and into his hair. He’d never admitted to himself, or out loud that he wanted to die, but now that he had said it, he believed it. “Would you want that? A boyfriend who is such an abnormality of society he’ll either kill himself or be a ticking time bomb of death.”
“I want you,” Frank stressed, “I want you, all of you. Every flaw, every part. I don’t know how many times I have to say it. I want you.”
“I'm like the iceberg from the titanic,” Gerard said, rushing to finish his analogy, “I mean, that thing looked small right? They thought they could avoid it. But it was huge, and it wrecked everything. You may think that you know all there is to know about me Frank, but you don’t. I’ll wreck your life like the iceberg wrecked that titanic.”
Frank would have laughed at that if the situation wasn't so serious, “But you’re not explaining why.”
“I think I explained enough,” Gerard shrugged, and stood up from the couch, ready to leave, “But seriously, I'm also a little agitated that you think kissing me is going to make everything better. Is that how much you think I value kisses and intimacy? That I'm lucky if I even get one?”
“N-no,” Frank shook his head, trying to grab Gerard’s hand to pull him back down, “Please, it’s not like that. I'm not like that. You know it.”
Frank was right, Gerard did know that. Gerard was just letting all his insecurities come out now that he was being asked if he wanted to do something. It’s not like he was being forced, but he didn't like being made to make choices.
“You can continue to do the communicating between galleries and me, but other than that, I would like you to stay away from me for a while,” Gerard sighed, knowing this was going to kill him, but he knew it would be best for Frank, “I’ll be you friend until the moment I decide what to do about what you asked me. I promise I’ll think about everything you said, but I just can’t make such a huge decision, on not only my life but yours too, so quickly.”
Frank didn't reply, so Gerard walked out of the living room and up to his still temporary bedroom. Gerard missed his house a little, but he didn't know if he wanted to go back. Maybe he could ask Frank to help him buy a new one. Gerard felt a little selfish and annoyed that he was so dependent on Frank still even though he had pretty much just rejected him. Gerard felt like a burden, and like he could never be happy with anyone. He was useless to everyone.
A/N: I know I said comments would mean a faster update, but this genuinely was the only time I had to sit and write something that I genuinely saw purpose in posting. I loved the comments and I'm very happy that you liked that they kissed. So sorry for the late? update and I promise in my week off next week I will reel out the chapters as fast as my fingers and brain will let me.
I hope you like this, even though I am teasing you quite a lot, because the next chapter (which is so adorable that I want to post it straight after this, but I'm not going to) has the answer to what happens to them. Should they be boyfriends?
CHAPTER 11 TURNED GREEN HOLY SHIT THANK YOU SO MUCH!