"I don’t forget those things, Frank, and all this time, I should have thanked you, but instead I hid in embarrassment behind lies of not remembering."
“Do you know exactly what happened? I’m a little confused by the description here.” Gerard recalled that in his panic to help Frank, he had told the receptionist that Frank ‘got injured in a dream.’ After hesitating a little, unsure whether Frank would want him to disclose anything about his dreaded, secretive past, but decided it was for his own good.
“Oh, well… I guess it starts off with… he was abused by his mother when he was a little kid, and he started having these dreams just recently. I don’t know for how long, but every time he wakes up, wherever she would hurt him in the dream would genuinely hurt to him. The first time I saw it happen, he was convinced he was hurt, but there wasn’t any sign of injury, and he saw that too. It only hurt. But this time, he actually thought he was bleeding and wouldn’t calm down unless I wrapped up his arm.
“So that explains the bandages covering nothing,” Doctor Piper said. He started off at a far corner of the room pensively, and asked,
“Has Frank had any mental disorders of any kind that you know of?”
“I know he does have clinical depression. I think anxiety, too, but he hasn’t told me anything otherwise.” The doctor rubbed just below his lower lip and flipped through Frank’s papers on the clipboard.
“Can you explain to me exactly what his dreams are like and what he feels afterwards?”
“Well, like I said, she just shows up and starts beating him like she did before. He told me that he wakes up in his old room as a little boy and he can’t get out. I’m not sure how many he’s had, exactly, but he did say that they got progressively worse. Every time he woke up, though, he actually felt the pain, even though there wasn’t any wound. This time though, he imagined a huge cut in his arm. I don’t know how he could have seen something that wasn’t there, let alone feel it…” The doctor nodded and listened, thinking for a while, then said,
“I think Frank might have some form of schizophrenia. Probably paranoid-type, which would call for the hallucinations: his arm. I can’t be sure but this could be tied to delusional disorder, which is similar to the former. Does he have a psychiatrist?”
“Uhh… yes. Doctor Lestrade, I think,” Gerard said.
“I recommend you go for a visit. Medication might be necessary.”
“I’ll make sure to take him.”
“Once he wakes up, he can be leave. His physical health didn’t seem to be compromised at all.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” Gerard said appreciatively.
“Have a nice night, now,” the doctor said, and strolled out of the room.
I was a while until Frank woke up, and once he did, the beginning of sunlight came creeping up from the horizon. Frank slowly blinked his eyes open.
“Where am I?” he said, his voice unused and raspy.
“Hospital,” Gerard said.
“Why?” Gerard faltered. He knew he had to tell him, but he really didn’t want to. He felt Frank would be better off without another worry of his haunting nightmares, but he was obligated to tell Frank the truth.
“You had another dream and—“ Frank cut Gerard off.
“Did she hurt me?! What did she do?” Frank started frantically searching his body for any sign of injury, but Gerard stepped forwards and stopped him.
“In your dream, yes, but you are completely fine in reality.”
“What did she do?”
“From what you were letting on, I think she tried stabbing you,” Gerard said.
“Oh my god…” Frank said, and put his head in his arms. “But, why am I here then?”
“You thought you were bleeding, and fainted, so I took you here.”
“So, we can go?”
“Yup,” Gerard said. He decided to wait until they were in the car to tell Frank what the doctor had said about his condition.
“Schizophrenia?” Frank said, bewildered. The reason Gerard chose to tell him in the car was so he didn’t have to look Frank in the eye. He knew it was selfish to choose this just to avoid awkwardness, but he was already shaken from his episode hours before. “How— B- but, I can’t- I don’t- I…” Frank stopped trying to express himself. All he could think was the fact that even from his memories, his mother was hurting him more than he could ever imagine. Hadn’t she had her fill of violence already?
“We’re going to make an appointment with Lestrade so he can make a proper diagnosis,” Gerard said. Frank didn’t respond, but only stared straight through the car window. He seemed emotionless from the outside, but Gerard knew he was completely different internally.
“Fuck…” Gerard cursed to himself. He shouldn’t have chosen to tell Frank in the car. How selfish of him.
“Can I stay at your house for a while?” Frank said, almost inaudibly.
“Of course!” Gerard said, a little too gladly. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re not leaving until you’re better.”
“We don’t know that,” Frank said darkly.
“Don’t know what?” Gerard’s face fell. He knew what Frank was going to say, but felt the need to ask anyway.
“That I’m going to get better.”
“Don’t say that,” Gerard whispered.
“But it’s true, isn’t it? We don’t know if I’m going to get better.”
“Look, you haven’t even been diagnosed properly yet and if you’re told you have schizophrenia or something similar, there’s medication.”
“There’s no use in sugar-coating it. You yourself know how amazingly effective pills are,” Frank mocked, sarcasm exploding from the words.
“Frank! I can’t say I understand what you’re going through because I really can’t, but I can tell you that through these kinds of times, a lot of part of getting better is to at least hope for a better future. Even at rock bottom, and believe me, I’ve been there. I’ve looked up from the deepest depths of rock fucking bottom, and hope was the one of the only things that grabbed me and brought me up to the surface. You need to want to get better Frank! Medication won’t do shit unless you want it to!” Driving angry really was dangerous. Just after Gerard finished his yelling, he had to slam the breaks to avoid running a red light. Frank didn’t say anything so he continued, “I can help you, Frank. I’ll do anything for you just like you did for me. You think I was too hammered all those nights, years ago, when you literally always carried me home from the bar? I remember every second of it. I remember you comforting me when I threw up my whole digestive system into the garbage can. I don’t forget those things, Frank, and all this time, I should have thanked you, but instead I hid in embarrassment behind lies of not remembering. I remembered, though, and it wasn’t once, Frank. I know you know, too. You never stopped wanting to help. You never gave up no matter how ridiculous and disgusting my benders were. You know, actually,” Gerard chuckled a little, “I’m pretty sure I threw up on you. More than once probably.” Gerard glanced to the side, and saw Frank suppressing a smile. “Remember that?” Gerard said. Frank nodded, and said,
“I’m sorry, Gerard. I’ll hope for the best. Thank you.”
“This is my proper thanks to you, Frank, after all those years of drunkenness and drug-abuse, and hell, am I glad to do it.”
“I had a reason for it,” Frank said quietly.
“Oh, yes? What was it?” Gerard smirked.
“I—“ There it was again. The dreaded ‘I love you.’ Frank cursed silently. He really did love Gerard, it seemed. Looking back at those dark times years ago, Frank realized that he had really cared about Gerard, not only as a good friend, but as one who honestly but unknowingly loved him. Instead of those fateful words, Frank instead said, “I just really value you. I don’t really know how to explain it, but you really matter to me, to thousands, even millions of others actually.” Gerard grinned now, but didn’t take his eyes off of the road.
“But why not Ray? Bob? How about my own brother, Mikey? I don’t remember them taking off my vomit covered shirt to put on a clean one.” Frank blushed unintentionally. Thank god Gerard didn’t see. He knew Gerard’s remark wasn’t meant to be sexual, or he thought so anyway, but couldn’t help but wish it were. It was funny, how quickly he got used to the fact that he thought himself to be completely straight all these years, but now was suddenly ‘pitching for the other team,’ as they say. Frank knew Gerard was only teasing.
“They did help you, you know. Do you really how many times we’ve tried to set up interventions?”
“Yes, but that’s ‘we.’ I don’t remember them doing anything individually.” All of the sudden, Gerard’s tone fell. He seemed a little dejected, like he brought up a memory he had forgotten or had tried to suppress. Frank noticed this, and said,
“It doesn’t mean they didn’t care about you. They really did and still do.” Gerard nodded his head slightly, and said,
“You’re right. I don’t really know what I’m thinking. Of course they cared. I just realized how much of a difference your actions were from theirs.”
“People have different way of showing how they care.” Gerard nodded again.
“Well, that’s in the past now, isn’t it?” Gerard said. “I’d say we’ve gotten pretty far and have supported each other all along the way. Thank you, Frank, for all these years of faithfulness. I’d toast you with a drink if I had one,” he chuckled, as he pulled into the driveway of his house. Frank felt slightly pleased with himself, but a little disappointed at the same time. As much as he hoped Gerard would recognize him as more than a friend, he knew that there was no way that would ever happen. He had always known Gerard as a straight man… Or did he really? All that stage kissing… was it an act for the fans as they had said to interviewers? He wished he had a better memory of those moments, but unfortunately, time on stage when ten times faster than it actually was, and Frank only remembered little snippets of each. Nervousness didn’t help either. Gerard stepped out of the car and opened Frank’s.
“Need help?” he asked. Frank shook his head and got out of the car, following Gerard into the house. Oh, god… Frank thought to himself, I sound like a high school girl with a little boy crush. Not only that, but living with him? Frank sighed, not sure if he should be glad or nervous. It shouldn’t be hard, staying around Gerard after all that touring together, but now that he saw him through different eyes, he had absolutely no idea how to act. For the first time, he understood the weight of his fluttering heart, which persistently reminded him how close he was to the man he wished, for the first time, to be with.
A/N: Yay! Sorry this update was a little late. I got distracted :/ Rate & Review if ya liked it or not! Tell me what you think!