Is this the pain Gerard felt when he saw me and Ken? Ken having his arms draped around me and kissing me? If that is the case, then I am getting just what I deserve and I don’t like it. Well two can play at this game. I reach up and wrap my arms around Kens neck and pull him into a deep kiss. He is taken back at first but then kisses me back, his breath tasting like cinnamon. I pull away and Ken is smiling his million dollar smile. I look back at Gerard who is giving me a dirty look and has a pained expression in his eyes.
“That was random” Ken says pulling me close to him.
“What can I say…I am in a RANDOM mood” I respond wrapping my arm through his and start walking to the next course. I take a look back at Gerard who’s face is in utter shock, I see him clench his fists and his face gets red. Ray runs up and catches up with us.
“Jo what the fuck!” he whispers in my ear. I shrug and look him dead in the eye.
“Don’t play games with a person who can play them 10x better” I whisper back. Ray just gives me a disappointed look and drops back and walks next to Arianna.
The rest of the night is pretty much like that. Gerard and I are trying to see who can hurt each other the worst. And so far, I am winning. He thinks he can play games with me? Well he is wrong, SO wrong. The most he has done to try and hurt me is telling the slutty girl how beautiful she is, and that she is the most amazing women he has ever met all this while clinging to her like she is some sort of life preserve. The pain going through me is almost unbearable but I can’t show him that, I can’t show any one that. The mini golf course finally comes to an end, Ken and I won, Ray and Arianna came in second and Gerard and his slut came in 3rd, mainly because she kept “forgetting” how to put right and Gerard had to always show her.
We finally reach the restaurant and get a large round table. Gerard is sitting just to the left of me and I avoid eye contact as much as I can. Everyone at the table orders drinks except for me and Gerard. Go figure.
“Um why aren’t you drinking Gee?!” The slut says.
“Because I…I just don’t drink” Gerard says uncomfortably.
“Well lucky for you…..tequila makes my clothes come off very easily” she giggles again and winks.
“That is a very good thing to know” He says putting his arm around her and pulling her close. The pain shoots through me again, and Arianna can tell.
“Jo I have to use the restroom, Come with me” Arianna says getting up and walking over towards my chair.
“Why do you guys have to go to the bathroom together? That is one thing I’ll never understand that about women” Ray chimes in. Arianna and I just shrug.
“yeah true that, its not like Guys go to the bathroom together and pee in urinals next to each other. I don’t want anyone else looking at my junk” Gerard says taking a sip of his soda.
“Not that you would have much to look at” I hiss. Every one at the table lets out an “ohhh”
“Nice one babe! Gerard you need some ice for that burn?” Ken teases. Gerard just glares at me his face red with anger. I just smile at him and walk away, still letting the pain sit in my heart.
We go to the restroom which is surprisingly empty the door closes and Arianna lock it. She sharply turns around on her heels and gives me one of the dirtiest looks I’ve ever seen her give.
“What?” I ask innocently.
“You know WHAT! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME JO?!” she yells. I just roll my eyes.
“He shouldn’t have brought that slut, he shouldn’t have even came in the first place! You said It was going to be me, you, Ray and Ken. You said nothing about him!” I say pointing out the door.
“No I didn’t because I thought we could all go out and have a nice time together, and maybe, just MAYBE you and Gerard could be civil to each other but apparently I was wrong!” She says pacing the front of the room.
“It is NEVER going to happen Ari, just accept it. I don’t want to be with him!” I shout back.
“Oh really?! Then why can I see how much pain you’ve been in all fucking night?! Ray too. My God Johanna! Why don’t you just accept the fact that you still love him?! You hide yourself away because you’re afraid of getting hurt again you are with Ken a guy who is definitely not your type just so you can get over him! It is sad! Gerard still loves you! Why don’t you see that!” she yells. I feel tears behind my eyes because I know she is right but I don’t want to let her know she is, I…I just cant be with him.
“How do you know Gerard still loves me? He obviously doesn’t because he is out there with some slut!” I yell back.
“He is only doing it because he wants you to feel the pain he has felt the past 3 fucking years!” she screams back. I am taken back by how angry she is right now. I don’t think I have ever seen her this mad at me.
“How do you know? How do you know that is why he did it?” I ask quietly.
“Because he fucking told me Jo!” I sit there in shock.
“He told YOU that he still loves me?”
“Yes…..just….God Johanna, the way he talks about you and what you guys had it is so…poetic. And tonight, just the way you two look at each other you can tell you both still do” She says more calmly. I stay silent and try not to let the tears fall from my eyes, and I try to ignore the pain in my chest and my urge to just drink away all of this confusion.
“Come on we better get back before they think we are having some lesbian affair” she says with a laugh, then gives me a hug. I hug her back and we head back to the table.
I sit next to Ken, still in shock from what Arianna just told me. I look over at Gerard who is looking down at a menu. I examine him closer and see the small amount of freckles that covers his face, the way his jaw line is so present, the shape of his lips. I feel a sting in my heart when I think about how bad I’ve missed him. His eyes wonder from the menu and meet mine. And again it is just he and I in the room, I see the mouths of everyone at the tables moving but nothing is coming out. My legs feel numb and my heart rate picks up, Gerard gives me a half smile, letting me know he feels it too. I’ve missed his smile and his laugh. His smile fades when I feel Ken put his arm on me. I break his gaze and look up at Ken who is just staring at me.
“What?” I ask. Ken just shakes his head.
“You’re just so beautiful” he whispers giving me a kiss on the cheek. But I don’t feel any warmth. All I feel is coldness inside of me, and the pain of my beating heart. I need a drink, it will warm me up fast.
We finally get our meals and I just nibble on mine, I am not feeling very hungry and Ken notices .
“You feeling okay Jo?” he asks, I nod and reply.
“yeah… I just had a big lunch” I lie. He smiles at me and takes another sip of his 3rd beer. I occasionally glance over at Gerard who is too busy paying attention to his now REALLY drunk slut. In fact everyone here is pretty buzzed except for me and Gerard. Ray and Arianna are giggling to themselves and that makes me happy. Ray is such a good guy for Arianna. I smile when I see them canoodling. I glance back over at Gerard’s slut who’s hand has made it very close to his pubic area, but Gerard just keeps on smiling and flirting with her. I think about him sleeping with her and I get sick to my stomach. I know he is going to tonight, and I just can’t fathom him being that way with another women. Considering I’ve never been past 3rd base with anyone but him. The pain in my chest is too much to handle. I look over at Ken and say.
“Actually I’m not feeling good, I am just going to go for a quick walk and see if I can get some fresh air.” Ken nods and gives me a quick kiss.
“Okay don’t be too long and be careful” he commands. I just nod and walk away from him and out the front doors. I don’t think anybody but him even noticed I left.
I turn right and head down the street to the a liquor store I know that is nearby. I feel my mouth watering, my stomach and my veins needing it. Needing it to feel better. I can just get drunk this one time and I’ll be fine, I wont get addicted again I promise!
I open the door to the liquor store and the bells at the very top ring. I’ve missed the sound of those. I walk to the very back where I know they keep their Vodka. I look at it through the shiny glass and smile.
“Hello old friend….” I say reaching in and grabbing the bottle. It is cold to the touch and my hands start shaking wanting to get its delicious liquid inside of me. I go up to the counter where a man with black hair and way to many piercings on his nose and eyebrows waits for me. He smiles when he sees the bottle.
“Nice choice” he says bring the scanner up to it.
“That will be 20.00” he says. I hand him a fresh twenty and head out the door the bells ringing behind me. I walk towards the end of the corner where I turn and lean up against the wall of a tall brick building. I take the bottle out of the brown bag and stare at it. The moon light reflecting on it making it seem dream like. I let a smile cross my lips and I pop the top off of it. I put It up to my lips and take a good hard swallow letting the back of my throat sting and the rest of my body sing in relief. I go for my second drink when someone grabs my wrist making it go numb.