“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” I look over and see a very pissed off Gerard. I roll my eyes at him and pass the bottle off to my left hand where I go to take another drink but he smacks it out of my hand making the bottle shatter as it hits the ground.
“What the fuck Gerard! That was a perfectly good bottle!” I yell at him. But he just glares at me, his eyes full of anger, his hand still tight around my wrist.
“Why are you even here, shouldn’t you be with your fucking 19 year old slut” I say ripping my wrist from his grasp. His eyes get even angrier.
“Why” he asks
“Why what?!” I hiss back at him crossing my arms.
“Why the fuck are you out here drinking! You’re fucking suppose to be sober!” He yells.
“I am a grown women Gerard I can take care of myself, why did you follow me out here?!” I yell back.
“Because I saw you get up and say something about a ‘walk’ but your eyes had that look they get when you’re upset so I followed you to make sure nothing dumb happened to you! And good thing I did otherwise you would be drunk right now!! “ he says raising his voice even more.
“What do you care?!” I yell.
“Because last time you had that look in your eye and you went on a ‘walk’ Ray found you half naked on a bus stop crying to some pervert!” Gerard steps closer to me now. The electricity stinging between us and his eyes are locked on me. I fidget in uncomfortableness.
“Well if I do so remember correctly dear sir, YOU had dedicated Demolition lovers to a bunch of horny sluts that night making me drink more!” I snap back. Gerard’s gaze falls and he bites his bottom lip. Damn that is so sexy!
“Yeah, I did, and I believe I apologized for that, a million times over!” He hisses back at me.
“Yeah you did, I’ll give you that, but you never did apologize for saying you were going to just leave me when we thought I was pregnant with your child!” I feel the tears sting behind my eyes and I just want to get another drink. Gerard stands there in shock and rubs the back of his neck with his hand remembering, I take this moment to run away from him and back into the liquor store I go to the same corner and grab the same bottle and head to the front of the counter when Gerard stops me in the isle. He reaches for the bottle but I pull it back and turn around and go up the other isle to get away from him. He beats me again and reaches for the bottle again, and I again swipe it from his reach.
“Johanna you’re being a fucking idiot right now! Put the damn thing down and leave this store!” He commands. I shrug my shoulders and say
“As you wish” and with that I send the bottle crashing to the ground making it shatter all over the tile floor. Gerard’s face turns red in anger. The guy behind the counter yells.
“Hey! What is going on here! You’re paying for that!”
“Oh he is the one who dropped it not me!” and with that I leave Gerard in the middle of the store and storm out the doors again. I know there is another liquor store just 2 blocks down and I sprint down there, out of breath when I do. I lean over and take in a few deep breaths before I enter the store, and I buy the same bottle. I then hide around a corner and pop the top off and take 4 large gulps. My head starts to get light now, and the pain is diminishing.
“Johanna? Johanna!” I hear Gerard call but I stay tucked behind the corner not wanting him to see me. I hear him getting closer and I hold my breath thinking he wont find me, but he does, he always does. His eyes are livid again, I have never seen him this mad before. I gulp in fear and tighten my grip on the bottle. He steps closer and I let the breath I’ve been holding out, Gerard’s face crunches up.
“Really?! You drank it?!” He says infuriated. He reaches for the bottle and this time I don’t fight to keep it. He looks at me then at the bottle and smashes it to the ground again.
“Why are you doing this Jo?!” He commands again. I avoid his gaze.
“Answer me! Why are you doing this to yourself?!” I turn my head up and hold his gaze, his eyes looking more beautiful than ever now.
“The same reason I always have Gerard….YOU” I whisper. Gerard takes a step back and glares at me.
“Me?! What did I have to do with any of this?” He asks.
“From the beginning Gerard, you turned me on to drinking! You and the thought of losing you made me drink, being alone with out you made me drink, me leaving you made me drink, you getting frisky with that slut back there made me drink” I honestly tell him. Gerard looks taken back by what I have just said and responds with,
“Yeah Jo, I may have turned you onto drinking, and it may have been my fault for leaving you alone and taking you to all those shows with alcohol but the whole time YOU were in control not me. And back there at the restraunt with that girl why did that effect you, you are with Ken now am I right? You’ve moved on, why can’t I, I thought we were being friends” I look up at him tears in my eyes and I see there are some tears in his, is he hurt because I am drinking? Oh God what have I done.
“I…..I haven’t moved on Gerard” I finally say. And it feels good to let it out. Gerard gets a semi smile on his face.
“But what about Ken, isn’t he everything you want?” He asks.
“Yes…..” I say trailing off.
“Then what is the problem?”
“He isn’t you……” I let a tear slip down my cheek, and I feel Gerard wipe it away.
“Johanna….I….just…fuck!” Gerard steps back from me and kicks the wall really hard, I jump from the unexpectancy. He takes a few breaths in then stands in front of me. He puts his arms on both sides of me touching the brick wall behind me. He is so close I can smell his breath.
“No girl has ever compared to you….you know this. Seeing, you these past couple of weeks has been hard, trying to be your ‘friend’ is REALLY fucking hard. But it’s what you wanted, and you got it. You think it has been easy for me? To see that sissy preppy lawyer wrap his arms around you and kiss you and call you his?! I have been looking for you Johanna for so long not because I wanted answers, because I wanted to feel alive again. Yeah I’ve been with other girls but nothing compares to what I felt with you. What I feel between us now. You know you feel it too, so why? Why don’t you just let it fucking happen?! Why are you running from me?!” He yells pushing himself away from the wall.
“Because Gerard I want…” and he doesn’t even let me finish
“Because you want a husband you can go home to every day and be there and with me it isn’t going to happen because I’ll be on tour and bla bla bla” he says mimicking me. Now I start to get a little agitated at him.
“Well guess what Jo! I can do whatever I want whenever the fuck I want! If I want to tour the country for 3 whole weeks and take 3 off to spend doing whatever I want, I CAN. If I want to tour London one day and be back here in the US another I CAN. I have flexibility now, our band is HUGE now Johanna, do you realize that? Its none of that being crammed into a small white van traveling place to place now. We have our own tour bus, our own equipment specialist, EVERYTHING all we do is ride in the bus and play shows. If I were to get my wife pregnant and I had a tour set up for 6 months guess what…I can cancel it and do it again in another 6 months and I will STILL have fans that will sell out arenas! If I wanted to I could go 3 years incognito and come back and their would still be fans there. It is a whole different ball game now!” He says in a frustrated tone. I take in what all he is saying, and I realize he is right, and when I am about to say something the words Candice spoke to me come back ‘ I am sure whatever reason you broke up with him in the past was a good one, but the question is, is it a good reason now?’ and I realize it isn’t, he is right, if I wanted to be with him, we could do it. Why am I running? What am I running from when I feel this connection between us, when I know I’ll never fully be ever to give him up.
“ I….I am with Ken now…I can’t…” I stutter and Gerard lets out an agitated sigh.
“Really?! You called of an engagement for us but you wont call off this 2 week thing?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!” he yells. I cringe in fear.
“…I……I….” I stutter again.
“I don’t fucking understand you Johanna, I never have! I never will, but did you really think deep down in your heart this was over?! The moment you saw me?!” I cross my arms and avoid his gaze again. I look up at the moon wishing it would give me answers, but I know it wont. My heart beats faster and faster.
“Gerard…it…was over….I need to try and move past this…its been over…” I say looking at him now but he just shakes his head.
“You’re wrong Johanna….this is just beginning” and with that he forces his lips on mine.