For the one and only landshark Elli :D
“Elli.Elli.Elli.Elephant.” Pete whispered, crouching outside his best friend’s bedroom window; watching as she tiredly groaned, rolling over.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Plan B!” Pete whispered to himself, feeling the need to let the second version of himself know what they were doing.
Grinning widely as he grabbed a hold of a low hanging tree branch, Pete began to lean back; using the little amount of weight he had to break it off.
“GODDAMMIT YOU FUCKING CUNT SUCKER?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU FUCKING DO THAT! THAT IS MY FUCKING ARM THAT YOU JUST FUCKING SNAPPED OF THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH! NOW I CAN’T HAVE FUCKING KIDS!” The tree flipped, referring to the stub that was left after Pete’s random attack.
The bassist’s face fell, as he held the branch in disgust.
“So this is like your dick?” Pete looked at the tree, who had bucketloads of sap running down it’s side.
“YES! YOU FUCKING NEUTERED ME. Why?! I was going to fuck this evergreens needles right off her, and now I fucking can’t!” Pete felt a tinge of sadness run through him, he knew what it was like to experience a cock block (mainly from Patrick and Ryan).
“I’m so sorry; but if it makes it any better I’m getting you two blow jobs.” Pete offered, telling the tree what he was planning on doing with his wood.
“So, you’re gunna poke your friend in the face with it?” The tree asked, swaying backwards.
“Yeah, then go totally murder Patrick.” Pete nodded
“Why Patrick? The one with the hat? He seems so nice.” The tree nodded, having a man crush on the singer.
“Cock block.” The tree nearly fell over at this point
“You have a girlfriend?! AND YOU DIDN’T FUCK HER BECAUSE OF THE ONE WITH THE HAT?!” Pete nodded, causing the tree to gasp, ripping off half his leaves.
“DAMMIT NO T AGAIN!” Pete began backing away, realizing that he was talking to a tree. A motherfucking Tree right after he ripped the poor thing’s dick off.
“Okay, Elliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.” Pete whispered, poking Elli in the face with the stick, as she rolled over getting poked in the mouth with it.
“OH YES!” The tree screamed, causing Pete to drop the branch, as Elli woke up.
“DUDE GET THAT AWAY FROM YOUR FUCKING FACE!” Pete growled, as Elli slowly pushed it back out her window, nearly hitting her friend in…..the….his fucking dick in the process
“DUDE!” Pete screamed jumping out of the way of the tree dick.
“I’m not gay.”
“What?” Elli asked, leaning against her window sill, confused as fuck.
“That branch, is a tree’s dick.” Pete nodded, causing Elli’s calm face to contort into an angry, “I-Will-Fucking-Kill-You-Wentz” expression
“So I gave a tree a blowjob?” Elli groaned, as she was violate in her sleep, by the guy who swore to protect her like a little sister.
“I got flipped out on for doing it!” Pete screamed, as the tree suddenly went ghetto.
“AY BITCH STFU! YO RIPPED MAH DICK OFF, I NEED THAT THING TO FUCK BITCHES NEEDLES OFF!”
“Get dressed, I have a plan.” Pete whispered, pulling his hoodie sleeves over his palms and picking up the branch.
“What are we doing?” Elli whispered, half asleep as the two walked down the familiar street and into the Stump’s backyard.
“Patrick is a cockblock, so he’s going to give a tree a BJ.” Pete whispered, as he crawled up another tree, shoving the stick through Patricks open window, aiming at the sleeping boy’s slightly open mouth.
“He’s going to kill you! And don’t fall out of the tree, cause I won’t catch you!” Elli whisper-screamed up to him, receiving a “yeah whatever” in return.
“OH MY GOD YES!” Was faintly heard from Elli’s backyard.
“Yeah Pete, I’m staying at your place from now on. And stealing your bed.” Elli groaned, feeling suddenly paranoid by the tree in her backyard who might try to molest her in her sleep.
“Of course, you just wanna sleep with me.” Pete laughed as he poked the tree branch into his friend’s mouth.
“Ew, you have a girlfriend and no; I wanna see you sleep on the floor.” Elli explained, fixing her signature shark hat.
“Sure! You wanna landshark me, we all know it.”
“And have Kace come kick my ass for trying to fuck her boyfriend? HELL FUCKING NO!” She squealed causing Patrick to wake up.
“WHY AM I GIVING A TREE A BLOW JOB?!”
“WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!”
“PETE?! WHY ARE YOU IN A TREE?!”
“TRICK?! WHY ARE YOU GETTING A TREE OFF?! You sick person” Pete growled, pushing the tree farther into his room, knocking over Patrick’s favorite guitar.
“You’re paying for that.” Patrick growled, as Pete shrugged
“No actually, because you wouldn’t want a bass.”
“BUY ME A NEW GUITAR!”
“I WILL RUIN YOUR SEX LIFE WENTZ!”
“YOU ALREADY HAVE!”
“THAT ONE TIME WITH RYAN DURING THE SUMMER”
“We di- OH GOD! I REMEMBER, FUCK NOW I’LL NEED THERAPY!” As Pete and Patrick screamed at each other, even though they were sitting only feet away from each other; Elli silently broke into the boy’s house, and crawled up to his room softly hissing.
“Da-na. Daa-naa. Daaa-naaa. Da-na-da-na-da-na-DA-NA-DA-NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”Elli screamed as she tried to landshark the boy, causing him to jump out of his bed, and fall flat on the floor.
“Oh.My.God.That.Fucking.Reaction!” Pete began laughing, almost falling off the tree limb he was sitting on.
“PATRICK GET UP! I’M NOT DONE LANSHARKING YOU!” Elli growled flopping down onto his bed, as a familiar brown haired boy emerged from the closet.
“Oh god, it’s Ryan!” The three squealed as Ryan walked over to Elli in the same format that Katie did in the end of the Paranormal Activity movie; grabbing her leg and dragging her back towards the closet.
“OH GOD GUYS! HE’S GOT ME! HE’S FUCKING GOT ME!” Elli squealed as the boys let her get dragged away, and into the closet.
“CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNTS!” Was all that was heard, before there was a slamming of a door; and complete silence.
“Goddammit, who am I going to landshark with when school lets back in!” Pete whined.
Elli and Ryan have not been found yet
ELLI DID YOU LIKE IT?! EVEN THOUGH YOU LIKE GOT KIDNAPPED IN THE END! I will make like 4; making fun of the Paranormal movies ;P