Categories > Original > Drama1 Reviews
Based off the Breaking Benjamin album 'Dear Agony' ::Contains self harm/suicide::
Hopeless: Part 1
Here I lie forever
Sorrow still remains
Will the water pull me down and wash it all away
Come and take me over
Welcome to the game
Will the current drag me down and carry me away
Suddenly the light begins to fade
No matter how hard you try to fight it, no matter how strong you are; you're fucked forever.
It never lets go, you just lay there, slowly drowning in the temptations, thoughts, sorrow.
Take me for example, I thought for once in my life that I had overcome it, for a few months it sure felt like it; for those short, 4 months I was on top of the world, nothing could knock me from my cloud 9.
Well, until the sorrow and pain decided to make a dramatic entrance, leaving me here; sitting in the dark, tears soaking my face and hoodie, heart race through the roof, my arms and hands are shaking more than a fucking ugly hairless dog thing.
So as you might say, this was indeed an anxiety attack, provoked by none other than over stressing myself, and the suicidal thoughts that fogged my fucked up mind.
I closed my eyes, breathing deeply, trying to calm myself down. Thinking what if I was actually living the life of one of the 3 egos I had created way back when, what if I where to just say goodbye to my pitiful life and just live as an ego for a bit.
One suffers through the same kind of shit that I do, except she doesn't suffer with social anxiety.
One acts badass yet isn't as tought as she seems.
And the last, she's just plain fucking normal. No depression, self harm, suicide, just happy old her.
Please just get me out of this mess, pleasepleaseplease! I mentally screamed, hating myself more and more as the seconds became torture, ticking on past my eyes.
"Oh? You want to leave this all hmm?" A voice asked from in front of me, a voice I had never really became familiar with, except for voice recordings and videos.
Yeah, I was standing in front of myself.
"This is all a game, and you know what; you've been playing all along. You have no choice, it's suffer through it until you crack, or just give the fuck up!" I was a bitch, like holy shit.
"No, I'm going to get through it!" I snapped, eyes narrowing.
"Sure sure, I'm...let's say the future you. So I know exactly what you're going to choose." She-I whispered, leaning in until our faces where inches apart.
"I'm going to make your life a living hell." With that she was gone, leaving me in my dark room.
"Fuck." I sobbed, the feeling of losing hope began washing over me.
I was fucked
I'm falling down
I can't wake up
I can not hold on
I will not let go
It's over now
There's no way out
I can not hold on
I will not let go
"You're just a hopeless little bitch! You're not going to get anywhere, just imagine, the feel of the blade slicing your skin, the sting it leaves; the thought of how all of this could be over in a few, simple, seconds." My subconscious whispered, causing me to lose my focus on the homework I had begun, leaving me with thoughts of major self destruction.
Why put yourself through more suffering?
Is it really worth it?
With a sigh, I pushed the science notes aside and made my way to the bathroom; turning on the shower and beginning my self destruction for the night.
Scars covered my thighs, ribs, and stomach. Vicious, red, painful, reminders that there was nothing better to look forward to in life.
It was all I was ever going to amount to was a fatass full of scars, a little freak who can't enjoy the little things in life, the liar who claimed to have her life "saved by music".
"You're fucking disgusting!" The cruel tone came from outside the shower, causing the sorrow filled girl to slowly stick her head out of the warmth to see herself perched on the counter, thankfully dressed.
"Oh? You think the scars just magically fade when you're at my point? Or, do you not want to see how filthy and gross you really are?" The girl insulted, shrugging.
"Fuck you!" The living girl growled, throwing the curtain back shut as tears slid down her reddened cheeks.
She was living a nightmare, fighting herself about suicide, social anxiety becoming worse as the days dragged on, scars adding up, sorrow taking everything happy away from her.
"I know you're giving up, just let go. End it all." The voice of pain soothed her mind, giving her the impression that if she just gave up, swallowed the pills, sliced too deep, pulled the trigger, jumped off the ledge; that she would feel better. That life would be fine for her and those surrounding her.
Shaking hands took a hold of the shining blade, the sharp edge being the most beautiful thing in her sights currently, the sting it would cause being a bonus.
WAITWAITWAIT! Do you know how many people would flip total shit if you do this?!
Your brother would have nobody!
You'd be lying to the band members who pretty much taught you everything! Told you it's alright!!
What about Ash? Huh, and the other people who where there for you? Those who treated you like fucking family, you think their just going to sit there like "oh, she killed herself"
Dropping the piece of metal with a soft "click" as it landed on the floor, the girl slid down the wall, tears burning her eyes, the reality hitting her.
"Fuck you, I won't ever give the fuck up!"
"Whatever, you're doing this to yourself. Positioning yourself away from everyone, not asking for help; assuming everyone is judging you. Really you fucking pitiful little bitch! You're only doing this to yourself."
It was true, she put herself through more than she had to.
She acted like her life was shit, it was her fault she was slipping off the edge of suicide.
It was everyone else who was keeping her alive at this point.
A/N Yeah I am a HUGE Breaking Benjamin fan, and this whole album kind of makes me think about m y life and everything that's currently going on