Categories > Games > Resident Evil

Two Princes

by markspinkbass 0 reviews

A silly musical skit featuring the Spin Doctors' "Two Princes." Leon and Steve go head-to-head for Claire's heart--in both fists and song.

Category: Resident Evil - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Characters: Claire Redfield,Leon S. Kennedy - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2013-03-14 - Updated: 2013-03-14 - 2198 words - Complete

0Unrated
This script is rated PG for comic violence.

Hi-hi there! I wrote this a while back and thought I'd post it on here since FF.net doesn't allow scripts to be submitted. Hope you enjoy!

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TWO PRINCES

CAST of CHARACTERS
Claire Redfield
Leon S. Kennedy
Steve Burnside
Zombies 1 & 2
HUNK
Jill Valentine

MUSIC
"Two Princes" – the Spin Doctors (1991)

SCENE - AN UNKNOWN ROOM

The curtains open. The interior of the room is bare—perhaps there is a table and another piece of furniture upstage, stage left, or stage right. In the very center of upstage is a closed door.

Standing center stage are CLAIRE and LEON, who are shooting ZOMBIES 1 & 2. ZOMBIE 1 falls to the ground.

CLAIRE
I think that was the last of them.

LEON continues to shoot ZOMBIE 2. ZOMBIE 2's head suddenly explodes, splattering blood over LEON. ZOMBIE 2 falls to the ground.

LEON
I hope so.
(wipes the blood off his face and straightens his hair)
So Claire, your brother and I were talking the other day, and he mentioned that you might think I'm sort of cute.

CLAIRE
Huh?

LEON
And I was thinking:
(tosses his hair in an alluring manner)
maybe, when this is over, we could go see a movie or something.

CLAIRE
Leon, I really don't this is the time or place—

Something starts to bang loudly against the door. LEON and CLAIRE point their guns at the door. Unbeknownst to them, ZOMBIE 1 climbs to its feet. It starts to shuffle towards CLAIRE.

LEON
What is that?!

CLAIRE
I don't know, but it'd have to be huge to make that kind of racket—!

The door is kicked open, and in the doorway stands STEVE, Lugers raised.

STEVE
What's going on in here?
(sees ZOMBIE 1 about to grab CLAIRE)
Whoa! I don't think so, pal!

STEVE shoots ZOMBIE 1 as CLAIRE ducks, yelping, out of the way. ZOMBIE 1's head explodes, splattering blood on CLAIRE, and it falls to the ground. As she wipes off the blood, STEVE walks over to ZOMBIE 1 and stands over it in victory.

STEVE
Ha! You got Burnsided!

CLAIRE
Steve, what are you doing here?

LEON
"Steve?"

STEVE
Just protecting my lady. I am your knight in shining armor, after all. By the way: you're welcome.

CLAIRE
I am not your "lady."

LEON
Oh, "Steve." Chris told me about you. You're that annoying kid who won't leave Claire alone. You're shorter than I imagined.

STEVE
Who's this chump, Claire?

CLAIRE
Guys—

LEON
Special Agent Leon S. Kennedy of the C.I.A..

STEVE
Oh, look at you, all fancy with your middle initial and emo hair! How much gel did you use to style it, anyways?

STEVE flicks a piece of LEON's hair out of place. LEON slaps his hand away.

LEON
Hey, keep your hands off the hair!

CLAIRE
Guys, come on. We're in a dangerous situation; we need to work together.

STEVE and LEON glare at each other a moment longer before standing down.

LEON
Fine.

STEVE
Whatever.

CLAIRE
Okay. Now there are still a lot of rooms we haven't checked yet.
(points stage left)
I'll take that door over there, and—

STEVE
(saddling up beside her and putting his arm around her shoulders)
And I'll come with you! With me around, you won't have to rely on Pantene Pro-V over there to watch your back.

He starts to lead CLAIRE stage left.

LEON
(pulling STEVE's arm off her shoulders)
I think Claire would prefer to have someone a little more mature watch her back, so I'll go with her while you stay here and play Tiddlywinks or something.

Patting STEVE on the head, LEON winds his arm around CLAIRE's shoulders and starts to lead her stage left.

STEVE
Wait a minute!

STEVE yanks his arm off CLAIRE's shoulders and grabs her wrist.

STEVE
I'm her knight in shining armor!

CLAIRE
Guys—

LEON
(grabbing CLAIRE's other wrist)
I met her first.

STEVE
I saved her last.

LEON
I got her out of Raccoon City.

STEVE
I got her off Rockfort Island and the Antarctic base.

CLAIRE
(jerking her wrists free)
Guys, this is stupid

LEON and STEVE pay her no mind. LEON grabs STEVE by the shirt collar and pulls him close so that they're in each other's faces.

LEON
You want to settle this like men?

STEVE grabs LEON by the shirt collar and stands on his tiptoes.

STEVE
Bring it on, Pantene.

CLAIRE moves to separate them again but stops when the music starts to play. She looks up and around while mouthing "Where is that music coming from?" Spotlights appear on STEVE and LEON, who seem oblivious to anything out of the ordinary happening. They shove each other away.

LEON
(grabbing CLAIRE's hand)
Yeah, one, two princes kneel before you
That what I said now

CLAIRE mouths "You're singing?!"

STEVE
(grabbing CLAIRE's other hand)
Princes, princes who adore you
Just go ahead now

CLAIRE jerks her hands out of theirs.

LEON
(indicating himself)
One has diamonds in his pockets
That's some bread now
(indicating STEVE)
This one said he wants to buy you rockets
Ain't in his head now

Here LEON jumps in and performs the doo-wop, which causes STEVE's spotlight to move over to him. When he finishes, STEVE elbows his way in front of LEON and regains his spotlight.

STEVE
(indicating LEON)
This one, he got a princely racket

LEON
That's what I said now

STEVE
Got some big seal upon his jacket
(raising a hand, which LEON slaps away, to flick more of LEON's hair)
Ain't in his head now
You marry him, your brother will condone you

LEON
How 'bout that now

STEVE
You marry me, your brother will disown you

LEON
He'll eat his hat now

STEVE
Marry him, or marry me?
I'm the one that loves you, baby, can't you see?
I ain't got no future or family tree
But I know what a prince and lover ought to be

LEON jumps in front of STEVE so that he cuts him off and is blocking him from the audience.

LEON
I know what a prince and lover ought be

CLAIRE shakes her head and exits stage left. (For the remainder of the song, LEON and STEVE sing to the audience as though it were CLAIRE, for the performance has become less about CLAIRE and more about out-doing each other.) STEVE's spotlight moves to LEON again.

LEON
Said if you want to call me baby
Just go ahead now

STEVE tries to cut in, but LEON doesn't let him.

LEON
And if you like to tell me maybe
Just go ahead now

Frustrated, STEVE stomps off stage left.

LEON
And if you want to buy me flowers
Just go ahead now
And if you like to talk for hours
Just go ahead now!

STEVE's spotlight moves back to him as he enters stage left, a large ax in hand. With a silent war cry, STEVE raises the ax and charges LEON, who screams silently and runs off stage right. STEVE runs after him but pauses when he reaches stage right. Screaming silently, he turns tail and flees stage left as LEON enters stage right, wielding a double-headed chainsaw. He chases STEVE, who exits stage left, then sets down the chainsaw and returns center stage, STEVE's spotlight again on him.

LEON
Said one, two princes kneel before you
That what I said now
Princes, princes who adore you
Just go ahead now

Emerging stage left, STEVE pokes his head out from behind the curtain. His spotlight returns to him.

LEON
One has diamonds in his pockets
That's some bread now
This one said he wants to buy you rockets
Ain't in his head now

STEVE steps out from behind the curtain and sneaks toward LEON. LEON does not notice.

LEON
Marry him, or marry me
I'm the one that loves you, baby, can't you see?
I ain't got no future or family tree
But I know what a prince and lover ought to be

STEVE taps LEON on the shoulder.

LEON
I know what a prince and lover ought to be—

When LEON turns to see who is behind him, STEVE grabs him by the shoulders and knees him hard in the groin. LEON falls to the ground, holding his groin. STEVE steps over him so that he is standing in front of him, LEON's spotlight now on him.

STEVE
Said if you want to call me baby
Just go ahead now
And if you like to tell me maybe
Just go ahead now
And if you wanted to buy me flowers
Just go ahead now
And if you like to talk for hours
Just go ahead now—

LEON grabs STEVE's boot and yanks it out from under him so that he falls, yelping, face-down onto the stage. STEVE's spotlight moves to LEON.

LEON
(as he stands up and steps around STEVE)
And if you want to call me baby
Just go ahead now

Behind LEON, STEVE climbs to his feet.

LEON
And if you like to tell me maybe
Just go ahead now—

On the last line, STEVE grabs a handful of LEON's hair and gives it a hard yank. As LEON yelps and tends to his hair, his and STEVE's spotlights move back to STEVE.

STEVE
And if you like to buy me flowers
Just go ahead now
And if you like to talk for hours
Just go ahead now—

LEON shoves STEVE out of both of the spotlights.

LEON
If you want to call me baby
Just go ahead now—

STEVE shoves LEON out of both of the spotlights.

STEVE
And if you like to tell me maybe
Just go ahead now—

LEON tries to shove STEVE out of both of the spotlights again, but STEVE shoves back. They continue trying to shove each other out of the spotlights.

LEON
If you want to buy me flowers
Just go ahead now—

STEVE
And if you'd like to talk for hours—

LEON & STEVE
(screaming at each other)
Just go ahead now!

The music continues as LEON punches STEVE in the face and in return STEVE tackles LEON to the ground. They roll around on the ground, punching, kicking, shaking, and choking each other. STEVE pulls LEON's hair again.

CLAIRE and HUNK enter stage left, their arms intertwined. They walk over to STEVE and LEON, who take no notice, and stand over them.

CLAIRE
Ahem.

The music abruptly stops, and the spotlights disappear. STEVE and LEON stop fighting and look up.

LEON & STEVE
Claire!

LEON
Hey, who is this guy?

STEVE
And what's with the Darth Vader get-up?

They both stand up, LEON straightening his hair, as CLAIRE explains.

CLAIRE
Just someone who got stranded here, same as us. He found a key that might lead to a way out of here.

HUNK holds up a key. STEVE tries to touch it, but HUNK quietly pulls it away, shaking his head.

LEON
But…what about me?

STEVE
Forget you! What about me?

CLAIRE
What about you guys?

LEON
Well, uh…well, we don't even know anything about this guy! For we all know, he could be working for Umbrella!

STEVE
Yeah, really.
(poking HUNK's gasmask)
Besides, there's no way a dork like this can watch your back.

HUNK grabs the hand with which STEVE is polking his mask and whales STEVE in the stomach. As STEVE collapses to the floor, HUNK elbows LEON in the gut, whirls around, and then uppercuts LEON, sending him sprawling across the floor.

CLAIRE
I think I'll be okay.

She and HUNK re-intertwine their arms.

CLAIRE
I'll see you boys later. Have fun singing and dancing and beating the tar out of each other.

She and HUNK exit stage left.

LEON
(climbing shakily to his feet)
That is the last time I break out into song for a girl.

STEVE
(sitting up and holding his stomach)
No kidding.

LEON extends his hand to STEVE.

LEON
Here.

STEVE
(taking LEON's hand)
Thanks.

LEON pulls STEVE to his feet.

STEVE
I can't believe she ditched us like that. And for that weirdo, too.

LEON
Welcome to the wonderful world of dating.

STEVE
Ulgh, let's get out of here.

LEON
Yeah.

Side by side, STEVE and LEON start to limp towards stage left.

JILL enters stage right and passes LEON and STEVE, who pause to watch her pass. She does not seem to notice them. When she is center stage, she bends over to tighten one of her boot strings. As she bends over, LEON and STEVE's heads bend sideways, their gazes fixed on her behind. She stands up and exits stage left.

LEON and STEVE both motion to run after her. Immediately the music starts up again and the spotlights on STEVE and LEON reappear. Before STEVE can get more than two steps forward, LEON grabs him by his shirt collar and yanks him back. LEON doesn't get more than two steps himself, as STEVE shoves him aside and makes a break for stage left. LEON, however, grabs him, and soon they are on the floor again, punching, kicking, shaking, and choking each other just as before. The curtains close.

THE END

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