Categories > Original > Fantasy > MegaMistake

Teenage Angst

by CarcinoGeneticist 2 Reviews

Puberty is far too hard on poor FFN. This was mostly an excuse to write fight scenes and angst. :D

Category: Fantasy - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst,Drama,Humor - Characters:  - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2013/03/24 - Updated: 2013/03/24 - 1651 words

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“Yo, Shinobi boy! I’ve got thirteen ogres, seven basilisks, and four imps! What’re you at?” Naraangsprite calls, expertly tossing another-ANOTHER!-monster off the edge of the cliff.
“No way! You are so cheating!” I shout.
I’m at three ogres, two basilisks, and five imps. He has to be cheating!
“Am not!”
“Are so!”
“Am not!”
“Are so!”
“Why? What do you have?” Naraangsprite asks, smirking. “God, you irritating little so-and-so! I can’t stand you! You’re such a jerky jerk!”
That just makes him laugh.

“Chill out and kill some monsters for once, hey?” he asks. The arrows on his arms and forehead light up as he raises water from the ocean to wash away another ogre. He flies over to me, tail wrapping around around my shoulders.
“Fourteen.”
I brush him off. “Shut up!”
He takes it in stride. “Somebody’s a sore loser...” he singsongs. I swipe at him with my Pen-sword, and he floats away, laughing like a maniac. “Get back here and take it like a ninja!” I shout, jumping and pushing off a sapphire ogre to get up. Naraangsprite sees me coming, dodges my attack, and instead grabs me under the arms, hoisting me up higher into the air.

I try to squirm out of his grip, but I’m not having much luck.
“I can’t stand you!” I mutter, trying to break his hold. I pin my ankles together and try to flip forwards, hoping that my momentum will fling me back the the cliff. Naraangsprite expertly changes his hold.
“Neither can I! I’ve got no legs!” Chortle Chortle Chortle.
“That’s not funny! Let go!” I snap.
He does. Naraangsprite’s kind enough to not drop me back on the cliff, but to drop me right into the ocean. In the six-second drop, I manage to shove my Pen-Sword and some new fingerless gloves I combined with my computer into my Sylladex before they get killed by the water.
Cold water right up the sinuses has never felt worse.

“AaaaHAAAHH! COLD!
I tread water, trying to find Naraangsprite. It would be just like him to hold me under water. Something rumbles, deep behind me. I turn in the water. Naraangsprite’s hovering high up above the water. He’s pushing a massive wave towards me. I’m starting to regret making an avatar part of his genetic makeup.
I hold my breath.
Here goes the cold water.

The wave pushes me deep under, and then spits me out on shore. Spitting out seawater, I roll over onto my stomach. My clothes are soaked, and I’m freezing.
“I win! I am the greatest! Believe it!” Naraangsprite’s voice carries over the water. He lets lose a war-cry, coming over to where I am.
“You okay, Shinobi boy?” He even helps me up.
“I’m freezing. C’mon, let’s go back home before I die of shock or something.”
This is what happens when Fictionpress goes away. I get thrown in the ocean and Naraangsprite’s ego doubles like a tumor.

A dark spot appears on the horizon, swelling blackish-blue. Great. Another Plot Hole. They’re quite literally everywhere, this being the Land of Plot Holes and Leviathans. Plot Holes are basically black holes, except if you fall into them they can spit you out anywhere.
Naraangsprite stops, turns his head back to the ocean. “Do you hear that?”
“Hear what?”
The thing I was supposed to be hearing comes to the surface. It’s a...it’s big. Very, very big. Dark grey. Big teeth, big fins, and Oh What Big Eyes You Have!
“Oh baby...” Naraangsprite murmurs, eyes widening.
I pull my sylladex out of my pocket and equip my Pen-sword and my gloves. Then the glasses. I’m Mosh Jot Strife fighting this thing. But first, I need some music.

[Fanfiction.net (FFN) messaged Youtube (YTB)!]

FFN: Cool tunes please!
YTB: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGMvnQ069Js&list=RD02ANlMJYmCE2E
FFN: Thanks.

I wave my hand to clear the message and sync up Youtube’s playlist with my Mosh Jot Strife. It signals me to start with a Ready...? GO!
Wow. What is this music, even? Whatever.

I sprint forwards, ignoring the roar of the thing. Naraangsprite gets the first hit in with a thrown boulder. It smacks the beast across the gills, knocking it backwards. Footprints start to show up in the eyescreen for the headset. I nail all of them, then take the advice for a JUMP! that is coming up. It rates that as excellent. I slam the edge of my Pen-sword through a gill, relying on my weight and gravity to do the rest of the work. The gill tears around my Pen-sword as I fall, spattering me in monster blood, which is just so yucky.

The monster screams, and tosses his head, throwing me to the side, and knocking over Naraangsprite, who was zooming through the air. We both fall down into the sand, and I’m shoved away. “Nice move, moron!” he snaps.
“Whatever. Hey, listen, since it’s a water thing, try using-”
He cuts me off.
“Fire? Ka-chow!” Two flame spheres light up around his fists. “Let’s go!”

Round Two is much more successful than Round One now that we’re working together. I jump in time for Naraangsprite to toss me through the air and I slam Mosh Jot Strife into the centre of the monster’s eye. The rest of the eye gives around me, and I sink into a slushy pit of fluid and flesh. I continue hacking until I tear the back of the eye socket with a wicked upslash.
A quick stab in the brain, exactly what the doctor ordered. Victory.

When I finally emerge from the back of the monster’s head, Naraangsprite’s shaking the flame out of his hands. “Dude! Lookit you! You’re a mess! Man, your sister would so kill me if she saw you right now!”
I look down at my shirt. It’s not even blue anymore, it’s like this weird mix of grey-red-teal, and I’m spattered in monster guts. I don’t even want to know what my face looks like.
My message program comes up on the palm of my gloves, heating up my whole hand.
Yay, HSG!

[Homestuck General (HSG) messaged Fanfiction.net (FFN)!]

HSG: Holy fucking hell pixieboy.
FFN: Um. Good morning?
HSG: >Implying it’s good.
FFN: What’s new with you?
HSG: UUUUUGGGHH.
HSG: Listen you know how Tumblr and i have a pretty
HSG: difficult
HSG: Relationship.
FFN: I know you guys hate each other, but that’s about it.

HSG: OHHH HO HO HO.
HSG: THIS IS WHY I’M SMARTER THAN YOU.

Naraangsprite pokes me in the ribs. “He seems peachy.”

HSG: SEE, HATE DOESN’T EVEN BEGIN TO DEFINE OUR RELATIONSHIP.
HSG: I HATE HER SO MUCH THAT I’VE BROKEN THE FUCKING HATE BARRIER.
HSG: Hate barrier reef is fucking broke.
HSG: And I swear to God if she tells me to check my fucking privilege or blog about it I am going to seriously FLIP. MY. SHIT.
HSG: And MSPAF’s on her side so whatever but DA’s still in love with me because I’m hot.
HSG: Y’know I used to be crushing on MSPAF. But I got over him.
FFN: That’s interesting?
HSG: Bet your cute ass it’s interesting.

HSG: Anyways. Your land. I like that shit.
FFN: Thank you.
HSG: It’s very.......
HSG: LOPHALLIC.

Beside me, Naraangsprite starts laughing.

FFN: What did you just say?
HSG: Hmm?
HSG: Oh yeah.
HSG: Your land’s very LOPHALLIC, isn’t it?
FFN: I...don’t....
HSG: >Implying something’s wrong?
HSG: >Implying it’s not LOPHALLIC?
FFN: But...I...what?
HSG: Oh man.
HSG: Man oh man. God, look at the poor thing. He’s got no idea what to do.

Unfortunately, most of our conversations these days revolve around you-know-what.
Y’know.
Sex.
Which is kind of gross, I guess. But...I dunno. No, wait. It’s sort of...weird? Should I put a trigger warning on this?

HSG: What’s on your mind?
HSG: Have you finally hit puberty and thinking about some fine female specimens?
FFN: NO.
HSG: It’s perfectly fine if you are. I’m just trying to get a read on what you’re into.
HSG: I’m into feet. Just girl’s feet, mind you.
HSG: Tumblr’s got nice feet.

I try to terminate the conversation, but he just won’t leave me alone. The trip through the Gate dropped the house in the middle of a forest, so I stomp all the way there, and barrel up the stairs, ripping bloodstained clothes off me. Screw all of this! God! Who needs that douche canoe anyways? I hate him! I don’t want to talk about sex all the time or his drama.
I switch the shower on. Does he even care about me?

The shower is nice. It is a friend shower. God, I hate being a teen.
Afterwards, I nearly message Youtube, but decide not to. She’s probably off having great adventures with Pottermore or something.
I slide my gloves back on. Hey-oh, looks like HSG’s given up and Ficwad’s shooting me a message.

[Ficwad (FW) messaged Fanfiction.net (FFN)!]

FW: hey
FFN: Hey back.
FW: i just ginda realized something
FW: Kinda*
FFN: Oh really?
FW: yeah. everything’s pointless
FW: and everybodys dead
FW: that girl you wanted to talk to?
FW: dead.
FW: that place you wanted to see?
FW: Gone.
FW: I’ll never see mychem in concert :(
FW: BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING DEAD.
FFN: Look on the bright side.
FFN: At least they didn’t break up! :):
FW: aww thanks
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