Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Letters from the Asylum

The Epilogue

by LabRat 7 reviews

The completely crack conclusion to this exercise in psychosis.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Parody,Romance - Characters: Bellatrix,Harry,Hermione,Narcissa,Voldemort - Warnings: [!!!] [X] - Published: 2013-05-03 - Updated: 2013-05-03 - 7597 words - Complete

5Funny
Disclaimer: labrat/NarutosBrat wrote Harry Potter. Who me? Yes you! Couldn't be. Then who? The evil shewitch JKR who came up with such a sick twisted concept as Albus Severus Potter. I mean seriously, I could see that ending coming a mile away, and I wouldn't have even really made much of a stink about the epilogue if it hadn't been for that. I think at that point, I lost any and all respect I may have had left for canon Harry Potter.

A/N: To everyone who has alerted or favorited my stories, I thank you, but I implore you to seek psychiatric help. It takes a sick sonuva to enjoy stories written by a twisted, demented bastard like me.

Also, please don't ask me where ideas like this come from. I have runners who does my venturing into the dark reccesses of my mind where fics like this originate. He and his girlfriend are made of much stronger stuff than I am, and they're in therapy now, so I guess I'm hiring.

Finally, fair warning, the epilogue is pure crack. Do not flame me, you have been warned.

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August 18

It's amazing when one has an epiphany. For Ron Weasley that moment came in the afternoon, on the 18th of August shortly after a row with the girl he'd been crushing on for over a year. It had started out like most of their mundane arguments, bickering over something trivial, before devolving into a full blown argument. As was par for the course, the insults got progressively more offensive. Now usually, either Hermione stormed off, or backed down at this point, or he realized that if he kept going he'd push things too far, and say something that couldn't readily be forgiven.

Unfortunately, this was one of those arguments where it was his turn to back down, and his filter had taken a vacation. The insult was out of his mouth before he could stop it. Seeing the looks of shock, the tears forming in Hermione's eyes, and the look of pure loathing coming from her face, he knew that he'd crossed way over the line. Knowing that nothing he said would make things right between them right now, and that it would be awhile before Hermione even considered forgiving him, Ron stood from the table, and left the kitchen. Upon reaching the top of the stairs, he passed the door to his room, kept going until he reached the one Harry had claimed, and decided to face the music.

"Harry?" Harry looked up from the Runes book on his lap. He was doing a bit of final revision for his test in three days.

"Yeah, mate?"

"Treat Hermione good, okay?" He said his eyes glued to the floor.

"What happened?" Harry asked, frowning.

"Hermione and I got into it, and I said something that was way across the line." Ron admitted. "I'm not going to repeat what I said, so don't ask, but I know that any chance I may have had with Hermione is gone now. So just, do me a favor and be good to her, okay?"

"Um, okay." Harry replied.

"Well, I'll see you all on the first." Ron said. "Trying to stay would probably be a bad idea with Hermione here, and I should probably give everyone a chance to either calm down, or get past what I said, before I even think about showing my face, trying to apologize, or asking for forgiveness."

"If you say so Ron." Harry said. "I do hope this doesn't completely ruin things between us, if it helps."

"Thanks mate," Ron replied. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to pack."

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While still unsure about committing to being Mrs. Harry Potter, Hermione eventually ended up renting Harry, with an option to buy after tagging along with Harry and Narcissa when they went to meet Bellatrix. All she'd been told by the elder blonde was that the three were going to celebrate Harry's O score on the Runes OWL. While she could admit that she'd been just a bit frustrated that Harry had scored three points below her after only a couple weeks of study, Hermione was still very proud of him, and wanted to celebrate with them. She hadn't known that the celebration the two women had planned was mandatory 'no clothing'.

They met the eldest of Harry's lovers at an inn near the entrance to Knocturn Alley coming from Diagon. Upon entering the room, Bellatrix wasted no time in jumping Harry, and already had him stripped before the other two ladies realized it. In order to keep the young woman from having to watch her elder sister act like a complete slag, Narcissa took Hermione back down to the lobby, and rented another room. There, she sat down, and got to know the Muggleborn that had held such sway with her boyfriend better, saying that she could wait for her sister to finish her first round before joining. Narcissa also apologized for not telling her beforehand what their planned celebration entailed.

With the others so efficiently occupied, Narcissa tried to use the time provided to prove that she was indeed bisexual, and that she knew how to get a woman off. Sadly, Hermione protested, and the elder witch wasn't about to force the issue. When Bella finally finished, and Hermione still hadn't cracked, Narcissa just shrugged, and joined her sister and boyfriend. Before stripping and jumping Harry, however, she casually casts a pair of Charms on the wall separating the two rooms. These Charms would give Hermione a front row seat of their celebration. Being able to see and hear what was going on next door had Hermione rubbing herself raw by the time Harry finished celebrating with the two older women.

To everyone's shock, Bellatrix followed the trio out of the inn when they went to return room keys, and return to Grimmauld Place. According to the raven haired witch, Harry's rather informative 'proof' had ended her former master's campaign, and would likely completely undermine the both the pureblood agenda and established status quo to the point of destabalizing the Ministry. Given that she didn't have anywhere else to be, she figured she may as well go back home with her sister and new master. Harry protested being called anyone's master, but when Bellatrix promised to only call him that when they were naked and sweaty, he couldn't lodge any kind of protest given the slight coughing fit he ended up with.

With a glamour to mask her appearance until they actually arrived, the move into Grimmauld Place met with little to no trouble...aside from a slightly rocky start with Neville- who'd ended up being allowed to stay for the remainder of the summer when his Grandmother was called overseas to testify on behalf of her estranged baby brother's sanity. Later that evening, while Harry was regaling Hermione with all the interesting things he'd learned form Narcissa the past week or so- things that she'd yet to cover with the others- they found themselves interrupted by two randy witches. Despite having been thoroughly done in earlier that day, Bellatrix was insisting on making up for lost time, and Narcissa had decided not to miss out on another opportunity for great sex.

Hermione initially protested when they tried to drag her into the action, but a number of factors went a long way in battering her defenses until they'd whittled down to nothing. First came being distracted by Bellatrix's head bobbing in Harry's lap. Narcissa used her sisters loud, obscene oral distraction to sneak in and snog her silly, further distracting her for the next assault on her protests. This came in the form of Bellatrix releasing Harry, and suckling on Hermione's exposed nipples- which Narcissa had also managed to do while distracting the young witch with her kiss. With her struggles calmed enough to move forward- and the fact that she was actively kissing and fondling Narcissa back said as much- Harry delivered the coup de gras when he applied his expert tongue training to go down on her. Hermione certainly approved of how cunning a linguist Harry was when she heard hissing, and stars exploded before her eyes.

They finally finished their debaucherous marathon in the wee hours of the morning with Narcissa and Bellatrix tonguing her fanny and anus respectively. Hermione was straddling Narcissa's face, Bellatrix was straddling her sister behind Hermione, while the youngest witch in the room was doing magical things with her mouth as she lathered Harry's magnificent todger with her saliva. It was as she climaxed a final time that she decided she might take the advice she'd already received from several sources.

Luckily for Hermione, Narcissa and Bellatrix had made known the importance of a girl's first time, or the lustful haze would have seen her riding Harry like a pornstar. It was for this reason that Hermione didn't lose her virginity until three nights later. It was equally special because she had been able to initiate things, and mostly control the pace. After all, once she'd finally gotten used to the fullness, and told Harry to go harder and faster, she'd lost all control of the situation, and could do little but lay back and enjoy the ride- no pun intended. She had to admit that Narcissa hadn't been lying about having him well prepared for his wedding night.

It was two days after that when the others find out about the odd relationship when they stumbled upon Harry and his lovers mid-rut. Harry was kneeling behind Narcissa, thrusting wildly from behind, while she was providing clean up for Hermione whose belly felt decidedly full. Bellatrix- who had begged Harry to give it to her from behind without mercy- was still unconscious from the strength of her last climax.

Neville and Ginny could only stare wide eyed at the spectacle on the bed. Despite personal feelings, and standing commitments, both teens could admit to feeling quite a bit of gender appropriate envy for the bed's occupants. Lessons for that day were postponed for an hour while the debaucherous group finished and cleaned up. They were eventually canceled when Neville and Ginny proved far too distracted to get anything out of them, spending most of the time off in their own little worlds.

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By the time the summer ended, British Wizarding society had gone through a most shocking change. The first of which was when- in an ironic twist of fate- after turning herself in by way of her niece, Bellatrix got off by claiming Imperius. When they found traces of a potion that mimicked the Unforgivable, they had no choice but to accept it. Snape really was good with potions, you know. Upon learning that Bellatrix had moved into Grimmauld Place around mid August, the Order was rightfully afraid of what she might do with access to so many potential victims.

Things took a turn for the better when they got word of the awkwardness between she and Neville there for the first few days; as well as the solution that followed. After spending a night alone with the woman, the hostility between them was ended. Neville emerged from the room the next morning with a triumphant smile, and a hoarse voice. Bellatrix was found sitting in a corner, knees pulled up to her chest, rocking back and forth, and in desperate need of penis induced comfort. While they never found out what happened, they did find that she developed a slight twitch whenever Celestina Warbeck- whom she'd already detested- was played on the wireless. Things between Neville and Bellatrix became much more civil afterwards; even friendly once she finally recovered, and declared him her protege.

The very next evening, the sister's Black met, and were once again on friendly terms, much to the shock of Andromeda. When Bellatrix and Narcissa went to visit their younger and older sister respectively, the first thing they did was draw her into a group hug- well, technically the second, as they'd had to petrify her to keep her from cursing them while they explained things to her. Bellatrix then went even further by apologizing about giving her grief for having the guts to actually admit that she didn't want to marry the man that their parents had chosen for them. When Ted Tonks came home to find his wife and her sisters having a tearful, yet happy reunion, while catching up, he almost fainted. When Bella started grilling her little sis on how he was in bed, he did faint.

Tonks found the whole thing surreal, especially when her aunt Bellatrix started grilling her about whether 'Wolfie' was an animal in the sac. When she expressed a desire to find out for herself, and revealed that Remus was constantly throwing excuses her way about why they shouldn't be together, Harry staged an intervention for his father's good friend. It took only three hours of convincing to get Remus' head on straight. And it started with Harry sitting him down, and explaining things to him.

"Moony, why do you keep pushing her away." Harryasked. "Awesomeness in bed aside, Tonks is a great girl. She, like everyone else here, obviously doesn't care about your affliction. In fact, you seem to be the only one who does, and it's rather obvious that with the right precautions, it'll rarely, if ever be a problem. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get your shit together, wolfie."

"Harry-" Remus started to again protest, but found himself silenced by Bellatrix. What followed was Harry describing in explicit detail- with Tonks' permission, of course- the things she could do to a bloke to make him cum from personal experience. It then took another six hours of experimentation for Tonks to confirm that yes, Wolfie was definitely an animal in the sac.

Tonks would never admit which one was the better lay between Remus and Harry, just smile this mischievous little smile and go responsive for a few minutes, staring off into space. In honesty, she never compared the two. More than once, however, she did have fantasies where she wondered what it might be like to take on both of them at the same time. She probably wouldn't survive, but what a way to go.

The next big shock came when Voldemort gave up his quest for world rule, and turned himself in to the authorities- he'd also somehow get off using the Imperius defense. Harry found it entirely amusing that he ended up turning the tables on many of the Death Eaters who'd used that defense, implicating their fathers as having put him under the curse so many years ago, and using his former handsomeness and charisma to further their own agendas. That Dumbledore unknowingly helped Tom's case by vouching for the two characteristics- and expressing shock that such a bright student had turned out the way he had- nearly had him in tears. Harry wasn't sure whether Dumbledore was acting, or just extremely gullible, when he'd gave a pained sigh at having not seen what was happening, and allowing such a gifted student to be used in such a way, but he was very convincing.

Much to Snape's annoyance, Dumbledore would receive an application for professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts from Tom Marvolo Riddle. To the greasy bats further annoyance, he was much more qualified for the post, and would be given the job. To the anger and horror of the man, as the Heir of Slytherin, the students of his house would start a petition to have Snape replaced as their Head of House. Given the wide popularity of Professor Riddle and his classes, it wasn't surprising that students from all of the houses signed, and the appointment went through. He quickly became the most popular professor at Hogwarts, and eventually replaced Dumbledore as Headmaster when McGonagall decided to remain Deputy.

Before classes even started, Tom made it a point to seek out, and apologize to Hagrid for the ordeal that resulted in his expulsion. He even offered to petition for Hagrid to regain the right to his wand, and to help tutor him so that he could become a wand using member of society. It would certainly make teaching his classes easier, as well as dealing with his beasties. Not only that, but it would also allow Hagrid to finally complete his full Mastery Course in Magical Creatures. Hagrid- being the nice guy he is, and in the face of everything offered- forgave Tom easily.

The night before school was set to start, Harry and Tom decided to add further add credence to his innocence- more on that later- by orchestrating a massive Death Eater capture. Tom, using Severus Snape's mark, summoned the entirety of his minions into a massive prank bomb- courtesy of the Weasley Twins and Mr. Moony- that ended with a one way trip to Azkaban via the Aurors and Order Members ready to apprehend them. The only former Death Eaters that escaped the sweep were Bellatrix, Snape, and Random Death Eaters 23 and 32. Bellatrix because of the potion, Snape because he was a spy for Dumbledore, and the latter two because Harry and Tom vouched for them. Why you ask, because they'd dealt with Umbridge and brought Tom his delightful recliner. Besides, aside from that thing with Umbridge- whom they really disliked- they were decent blokes.

Even moreso, they'd been at school at the same time as Harry's parents, and were able to tell stories about his mum and the Marauders war with Snape from an outsiders point of view. James was indeed a bit of a bully, but not to people who didn't deserve it. It turned out, that with the exception of Snape- where jealous of his closeness with Lily was involved- the Marauders tended to mostly target people who were falling into the Pureblood agenda and outwardly becoming bigots. Something about the wankers making them all look bad.

Harry Potter would wind up being the first ever student to be named Head Boy before he even reached his Seventh year, and the only student to ever hold the position two years in a row. Dumbledore's reasoning for the appointment, was that Harry had accomplished what he'd never been able to: he redeemed Tom and Bellatrix, and brought them back to the light. No one would disagree with the appointment, because he'd not only fulfilled the prophecy, but he'd ended the curse on the defense position, and gotten a highly intelligent, exceptionally powerful magic user to become a productive member of society. This of course only garnered Harry even more fame, and in the end, he decided to just embrace it, and use his fame for a good cause...making Colin Creevey Minister for Magic.

Upon finding out that Harry had not only been banging two fit older women and Hermione, but that he'd been named Quidditch Captain and Head Boy, Ron reacted in typical fashion: throw a fit, and gripe about how it wasn't fair. Luckily for him, he'd chosen to do this privately, as it could have likely ended up with him losing his best friends. His fit was premature, however, as Harry realized that Head Boy duties and Quidditch Captain duties would be too much to deal with; especially if he wanted to keep his grades up, and be able to satisfy his three girlfriends; that would soon become wives along with two others, though he didn't know that yet. While he'd still play, he passed the captaincy on to Ron who unsurprisingly flourished at the position after about a month of floundering under all the attention. After their first game, which Gryffindor won, he settled down, and his extensive knowledge of the game showed through.

There was a bit of a stir on September 1 when Voldemort was introduced as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and Bellatrix Black was introduced as his assistant, since they refused to give her the title she wanted. After all, Harry Potter's cocksleeve just wasn't kid friendly. The dueling club she started was extremely popular, and her baby sister's Potions turtoring had just as many loyal followers. Narcissa would eventually take over the first three years of Potions once Tom took over as Headmaster, as it was deemed a more delicate touch was needed for the initial learning.

During his first Defense class, Harry was proven absolutely correct; Tom was an incredible teacher. Harry had been surprised when on the first day of classes, Tom had regained much of his formerly handsome features. Tom attributed it to reabsorbing his Horcruxes, but it was also because of all of his good deeds, and regaining his humanity. And Harry wasn't the only one to notice the new handsome professor.

On her birthday, Harry proposed to Hermione, who hesitated in answering; mostly because she wasn't sure if she was ready to take that plunge. Three days later, Narcissa was made the new Lady Black when it was discovered that Draco would have a new half-sibling. Bellatrix, in a fit of jealousy, decided to drag Harry to bed, and by Halloween, Draco would have a new cousin on the way as well. These two announcements would lead to a rather debaucherous week of almost nonstop unprotected naked hugging between Harry, his wife, the young woman he hoped would accept his proposal as Lady Potter, and his Mistress; as well as a future pregnancy scare for the Lady Potter around mid-December which would turn out to be an acute case of Influenza. It also led to Harry being given married students' quarters, which Narcissa had insisted upon, after finding out that she and her sister were both with child.

After waking up every day for four and half months with one of three- especially after Bella moved in, and the two recently widowed Blacks somehow conned unpaid positions on Hogwarts' staff out of Dumbledore- extremely practiced tongues doing wonderful things between her legs, Hermione finally caved the night before Christmas. And while both Bellatrix and Narcissa had been adamant about her joining their pudding club, Hermione managed to hold out until Harry put a stop to it. It hadn't been easy though, what with Bellatrix constantly trying to slip her fertility draughts and lust potions keyed to Harry.

In an odd twist, and a scandal that Rita Skeeter nearly creamed herself over, Tom Riddle publicly adopted Harry Potter as his heir. While it should have been done quietly, apparently someone in the Clerks Department misfiled the paperwork he'd had turned in by one of his unmarked followers. When the new permanent Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour interrupted dinner the first night back from Christmas break and made a bitch about it, Tom publicly declared that Harry Potter was his heir, and that he'd filed the paperwork even before he'd been able to shake off that Imperius, and return to the light.

When asked why he'd chosen Potter, his answer was that as his closest living relative, he was the obvious choice. In truth, while it was a cousinship several times removed, the fact of the matter was that Harry was the only person still alive that had any family ties to him. Harry's ability to speak Parseltongue- which Voldemort ensured Harry kept even after the Horcrux was eliminated, because it would be a dick move to take away such an awesome trick to drive witches crazy, especially since Harry was the one to point that particular use out to him- further confirmed it.

His reasoning that the young man had technically defeated him at least three times made his claim to heirdom legit. Of course, no one called him on this. Because it was Harry Potter and Tom 'I am Lord Voldemort' Riddle, wizarding Britain just decided to ignore the inconsistencies, and agree with the smarter, more powerful wizard like they'd been doing for centuries. Unfortunately, this would require Harry to take another wife to continue Slytherin's line- which Bellatrix was only more than happy to claim- as well as the Peverell line of which they were now the last two of, and which Tom- by default- currently had headship of. Harry couldn't help making a joke about it being ironic that they were the last two of that family, yet oddly, Tom's former occupation had nothing to do with it.

Ginny Weasley- who'd amicably split with former boyfriend Dean Thomas by this time- quickly volunteered to be Lady Peverell, but soon changed her mind. You see, Prewett women tended to be so easily satisfied in bed that a mediocre lover was more than enough to turn them completely out. Oddly enough, women born to the Weasley family were the same way, so Ginny got a double dose of the trait. What this meant, was that even a first time shagger with less than average equipment could get her off spectacularly, and it took absolutely no talent for someone of normal size to pretty much shag her into a senseless, drooling mess. For someone like Harry- who was incredibly well endowed, naturally gifted in the sensual arts, and who'd gained a lot of experience from constantly shagging two older women and his best friend- this was just a bad situation waiting to happen.

After one good reaming from Harry- where her number of climaxes exceeded both her parents ages, though thankfully not combined- left her catatonic and drooling for four days as she recovered- and induced fears from her family and friends that she'd be joining the Longbottoms in the Janus Thickey Ward- she decided that Harry was way, way, way too much of a stud for her, and capable of producing too much orgasmic happy in her for her to spend the rest of her life with him- even with three other women taking the brunt of it. She did make a joke that even if she had ended up on the closed ward, it would have been a bloody fantastic way to go. Luckily, this occurred the day before the start of Easter Break, so she didn't miss anything while she was incapacitated.

Luna also turned down the offer of being Lady Peverell, as she didn't want to marry Harry, even if she was sexually attracted to him, and would like to make love to him. She also oddly enough said that she'd wait to take up the free shag that Harry's wives offered her, because she knew that sleeping with him now would surely end with the above undesired result.

The position of Lady Peverell would eventually go to the Patil Twins. The circumstances of that occurrence were as odd as they were humorous. You see, originally, the position was intended for Padma, whom Harry had begun dating during the latter half of his sixth year with major encouragement from all of his then current wives. Once they'd reached a point where Harry knew that she was the one, he proposed. That's when things took a turn for the weird. Less than a week later, Parvati began wearing a ring identical to her sister's in every way- which kind of made him regret not using one of the numerous family engagement rings he'd had available to him.

Shortly after that, they'd taken to switching places, and in Hogwarts robes the only way to tell them apart was the house patch. Regardless of how good a boyfriend he wanted to be by being able to tell them apart- which normally he'd have been able to do after learning some of Padma's quirks- Parvati and Padma had already gone to great pains to make that impossible. In the end, unable to distinguish which sister he'd proposed to from the other- and they certainly weren't telling- he'd been forced to marry both, which he'd done nine days after their sixth year ended. Only then had they dropped the insanity so that he could tell them apart again. To make up for their deceit, the twins made sure that neither Harry, nor their sister wives ever regretted taking them both in. His fourth wedding night- which ended up running for two and a half days before everyone involved collapsed and slept for the other half of the third day- definitely went a long ways in doing just that.

One evening while the family was lounging in their rooms, because the thought just wouldn't go away, Harry asked the twins why they'd done what they did. The answer they gave was amusing and interestingly enlightening. The most pressing matter was that as the eldest daughter, Padma couldn't wed until Parvati had been married first. Thus explaining why they'd insisted Parvati exchange her vows first. The second reason, was because they'd agreed, on their first train ride to Hogwarts, that if either one of them managed to land Harry Potter, and it looked to be a sure thing, they would share him. Padma even admitted that she'd hoped that they'd have been able to get things going during the Yule Ball. When it became obvious that Ron was going to sit and sulk over Hermione the entire time, they'd hoped that he would step in and ensure they both had a good time. In turn, they'd both show him their appreciation afterwards; though topless snogging was as far as they'd have been willing to go at that age.

Less than a year after becoming Defense Professor, Tom would be forced to come out and admit to the secret relationship he'd been having with Professor McGonagall since that Christmas. The two would marry that summer, and Tom shocked everyone by taking her name. While he was no longer ashamed of his heritage, he still had issues with his father; not that Harry could blame him; his Muggle relatives were just as much dicks as Tom's were. While they never had any children together, Harry happily provided them with more than enough grandchildren to spoil.

Harry found it even further amusing that Tom would gain further prestige by revealing to the magical masses research that Muggles had long since discovered; while at the same time claiming that those evil men who'd Imperius'd him, had turned him into Voldemort to silence him from revealing the truth. St. Mungo's was flooded with blood supremists for nearly a week afterwards. Patients with both mental (minds snapped from the trauma) and physical (most often from botched suicide attempts) packed the hospital as the blood whores reacted to having their beliefs stomped on, disproved, and shoved in their collective faces.

While the first year of Professor Riddle's residence as a professor was extremely frustrating for Severus Snape, things actually started looking up. At the wedding of Harry Peverell to Padma and Parvati Patil, a drunk Snape- who'd been invited and strongly advised (read forced) to attend- would end up spending the night with an equally intoxicated widow by the name of Petunia Dursley. They would marry several months later when they discovered that their one night stand had led to a happy accident. With him getting consistently laid by his hormonal wife, Snape actually became a likable human being, and his classes became quite popular as well. He even mellowed to the point that he wasn't even bothered when Headmaster McGonagall hired Harry Potter as the new Defense Professor.

The best two things to ever happen to Dudley Dursley were his exposure to the Dementors, and the death of his father- a massive double heart attack suffered when he'd read the invitation from Harry to attend the freak's wedding to a pair of Indian twins. Without Vernon to raise a fuss, Petunia and Dudley Dursley would attend Harry's wedding, and find their soul mates. Petunia finding hers in the boy she'd once loathed for seducing her sister away from their family with his powers. Dudley finding his in a buxom young witch named Millicent. The two married three years later, and had four children; three of which attended Hogwarts, the last becoming a geneticist and researcher who actually discovered the gene that determined magical ability. Along with his elder sister, they were able to completely eliminate Squibdom as a magical defect.

Neville Longbottom found himself reaping the benefits of being Harry's friend as well. Being Harry's friend, and Bellatrix Slytherin's protege had given the young man a confidence, presence, and prestige that nearly rivaled that of his being the heir to the Ancient and Noble House of Longbottom. When he'd asked out Hannah Abbott, he'd learned that she and her best friend Susan Bones shared practically everything. Hannah soon found herself in line to become the Lady Longbottom, while her best friend had a Line Continuation arrangement to protect House Bones from extinction. When asked why they decided to share Neville, Susan had gone on record as saying that they'd taken inspiration from Harry's family. Besides, since they practically shared everything else, and the situation fit her family need perfectly, so why not?

Without his father there to guide him, Draco Malfoy became much less of a dick. With his mother's influence, he actually became something that the new Black Family could be proud of. In a bit of an odd twist, Ginevra Molly would become the new Lady Malfoy nee Weasley, effectively ending the Blood Feud that had been going for more than two hundred years. This was fortunate for Draco, as his Mafloy genes had really screwed him over in the size and prowess department. Thankfully, with Ginny's ease of satisfaction- which only increased after their first child was born- he'd never have any trouble putting his wife to sleep with a deliriously happy smile on her face. He wasn't even offended when Harry slipped him a 'How to...' manual on coaxing her to messy orgasms as a wedding present. They regularly made a habit of breaking out the book, and using her messy orgasms to completely ruin any piece of furniture they were planning to replace.

Years down the road, Luna would marry Rolf Scamander. Apparently even with all the changes, she was slated to marry him- kinda like they were soul mates or something. The only problem was that an expedition with his grandfather during puberty had left the young man sterile. Rolf wanted children, and so did Luna, so Rolf approached the man who'd become something of a best friend- and whom had been his best man- about being the surrogate donor. It should come as no surprise that the Wizarding world only allowed artificial insemination for special circumstances that he just knew this wouldn't fall under with his luck. That had made Harry unsure.

Luckily for them, Narcissa had once again taken up her passion of Potions making, had gone for, and achieved, her Mastery along with Hermione's help- who had done the same- created a variation of the Polyjuice that would allow Harry to take the form of Rolf, and even ejaculate Rolf's DNA in the form, while still keeping his own virility, volume, and potency. Luna would have seven children by Polyjuiced Harry- three sets of twins (two boys then four girls), and another boy- and Rolf would love and adore each and every one of them, profusely thanking Harry (with hugs and chocolates of all things) each time Luna got pregnant. In an odd twist of fate, Luna's seventh child- who just so happened to be born 7-7-2007- would be the one to finally discover the elusive Snorkack. In an odd fit of irony, he would discover that the creatures they'd been calling Garden Gnomes for over five hundred years were actually the Snorkacks his mother and grandfather had been searching for.

Ron would go on to play for the Cannons, and actually bring them to a .500 team within two seasons. And in his third season, when- just for kicks mind you- several former members of the Gryffindor Quidditch team decided to sign a contract for a season, and donate their salaries to charity (Harry's idea of course), the Cannons would record their first league title in history. When Krum signed two years later, and they finally got a couple decent Chasers, the Cannons became a serious contender, and would win their division several more times over the course of Ron's playing career.

Upon retiring, and taking up a management position, that's when the Cannons' fortune really started taking off. Between his own, Harry's, Neville's, Viktor's, and his siblings children, the Cannons never had a shortage of exceptionally gifted Quidditch players to sign- well, the few who decided to go pro, anyway. Ironically enough, it was Harry's youngest daughter with Hermione that would go on to become the Michael Jordan of Quidditch. When the owner of the team passed, he left it to Ron- who'd brought the team so much success. By the time Ron Weasley passed away, the Chudley Cannons had won a record 34 league titles, and a record 19 straight.

On a related note, after a string of rejections and horrible dates with the few girls who'd accepted, Ron's jealousy over Harry's love life disappeared on the train ride to Hogwarts for their last year. Lavender Brown kidnapped him during his Prefect rounds, pushed him onto a bench in an empty train car, and sucked his knees to rubber. With the inside track on Ronald Weasley- thanks in part to his two best friends- Lavender had no trouble wrapping the boy around her finger. It was a lucky thing that they were actually a good match for each other, because her feminine wiles had him proposing to her on Valentines day of their seventh year. They would marry on September 1, two years after they got together, in remembrance of the day they'd found each other.

They would go on to have a dozen children together, leaving many women in fits of jealousy over how she had so many children, yet never lost her delicious hourglass figure, but each pregnancy just seemed to add to her mind-numbingly brilliant curves. Were anyone to really pay attention, they'd have noticed that Lavender's pregnancies always tended to occur right after the Cannons had milestone successes. Their first three- and their first set of triplets- were conceived less than a week after the Cannons first league title, and she always seemed to have a pregnancy announcement within a couple months of the team winning their division. She'd have her ability to have children completely removed shortly before her 36th birthday, after their twelfth child was born.

Fred and George Weasley- along with their best friend Lee Jordan- had created and would run the greatest joke shop in the world: WeasLee Wizard Wheezes. With Harry as a silent partner, and Mr. Moony as a product consultant, the joke shop would become an overnight success. Within seven years of their first shop opening its doors, they'd bought out Zonko's, and begun using the much more organized facilities to take their enterprise to even greater heights.

Fred, George, and Lee would would eventually marry Angelina, Katie, and Alicia respectively, and all of them would share a home. The relationship the three couples shared was unorthodox to say the least, with it not being a rare sight to find one the girls sharing a bed with any one of the other household's husbands (1). As a matter of fact, Angie, Katie, and Alicia each had a child by all three men. Ironically enough, all three women would produce a set of twins with their own husbands.

Remus Lupin would indeed marry Nymphadora Tonks, and naughty games of Red Riding Hood would ensue on an almost weekly basis; one of which resulted in their son Theodore Lupin. They would have three more children together- once she'd finally been talked into taking a desk job in the DMLE- and to Remus's delight, none of them would have his affliction. Of course, he'd almost had a heart attack when his eldest, Teddy, figured out how to use his morphing gift to actually take the form of a werewolf. And if that wasn't bad enough, as a prank, he'd taught all three of his younger siblings how to do it. Harry had laughed at him, telling him that the Marauder blood was strong in young Theodore, and that this was what he got for being the sole surviving Marauder.

In an odd twist, a vow that Tom made back before he'd officially turned came back to him. He'd once vowed that if Potter scored with all three Black sisters, he'd be driven to wholescale slaughter to calm himself down. He'd also vowed that if he got them all at the same time, there would be nothing to stop him killing him. Luckily for several people who had vested interests in Harry's wellfare, Minerva was quite well versed in ways to calm him down. Not only that, but making good on that promise would cost him the love of his life and his heir.

Now you may be wondering why the vow had come back up in the first place. Well, it just so happens that at Remus and Dora's wedding, Ted got a little tipsy, and revealed a secret desire of his that Narcissa and Bellatrix were all to happy to help set up. This desire, to watch his wife make love to another man; though thankfully for their marital happiness- because it was doubtful Andromeda would have gone along with it otherwise- it was just a curiosity he'd wanted to explore once in his life.

It was a good thing that Ted passed out after the first half hour- seeing her sisters doing such kinky things to his wife overloaded his brain with happy thoughts- because by the time the second hour started, he'd have realized this wasn't a fetish he wanted any part of. If he'd seen or heard even half the things his wife was doing and saying/screaming, well it might have made him feel like less of a man.

On her twentieth birthday- which was about four weeks after she'd completed her Charms Mastery training, and was the night before her final examinations for certification- Gabrielle Delacour visited the Potter-Black-Slytherin-Peverell home. She was always a welcome guest as Fleur's kid sister and friend of the family, had free access to come and go, and took complete advantage of that fact. Upon finding the entire family in the sitting room- well, the adults anyway, the children were either out playing or upstairs napping- she would release the full extent of her Allure on the group after shrugging off the very thin robe she'd been wearing.

She had been practicing for quite some time to get her Allure strong enough to overpower Harry's seemingly natural defenses against mind altering magic and substances, and it had paid off spectacularly. The uncontrollable lust induced orgy that took place for the next several hours left them all satisfied beyond belief, and proved that Harry was more than capable of handling five wives and a randy Veela at once. It also shouldn't be surprising that every woman in the room- who wasn't already, as was the case with Parvati and Bellatrix- ended up becoming pregnant as a result of the episode. Upon finding out that his daughter was pregnant by Harry Potter, Monsieur Delacour approached Harry about what should be done to keep the scandal from besmirching their houses.

In the end, Gabrielle became Harry's final wife by way of a Line Continuation Contract with the Delacours. Since they'd only had daughters, and hadn't been able to produce any more children- not through any lack of trying, a very smug Mr. and Mrs. Delacour would happily inform- they needed a child to carry on the name. Luckily, Potter family magic was predisposed to producing firstborn sons- although Bellatrix and Parvati's first had been girls. While Harry's children with Gabrielle were raised with their family, it was understood that they would be heirs of Delacour. Even still, Harry thoroughly enjoyed providing heirs for Monsieur Delacour's house, and Appolline absolutely doted on her three grandsons and granddaughter.

Three months later, Bellatrix gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Two months later, Parvati blessed him with another son. Four months later, the rest of Harry's wives all gave birth to healthy children. In an odd twist- one that Ron felt compelled to mention- the ladies all gave birth in reverse order of that which they'd joined the family. Starting with Gabrielle, they all gave new life, all within forty-five minutes of the wife before them. A deliriously happy Harry cast his Patronus to send out the message to the extended family, and three months later, the corporeal, and very solid entity could still be found prancing around the Potter-Black-Slytherin-Peverell home.

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1. Look up polyfidelity for more information about specifics.

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This is the end for me in regards to this fic. However, if anyone is interested in going a little more in depth with the end of the summer, and on into the next few years as described by the epilogue, you're more than welcome to, and I daresay I'd like to see it.

Also, I wonder if anyone caught the slight reference to the prophecy I used to have Harry defeat the Dark Lord. Here's a hint, 'either must die at the hand of the other'.

You want to know what's sad? I'm having so much fun writing crack fics, that I'm kind of reluctant to go back to my serious fics, or even the smut ones that I've got going.
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