With no further developments in Castiel's state of comatose, Dean begins to grow desperate. Meanwhile, Sam formulates a plan with Meg and Lucifer.
I’ve read through all of his note books too. There are pages and pages of writing by him, but nothing that could be a goodbye. Besides, most of the notes in these books were from before I met him.
Sometimes I forget that I am living, and I get caught up in a sudden realisation that my whole life has turned to shit. When I think about my life, I can’t help but notice that I don’t really have much of a future. I don’t have any family to spend Christmas with anymore (well I do have distant family, but they all live in places like England and Italy, and I’m sure they don’t want anything to do with an insane kid like me). And because of my sudden becoming of an orphan, with all the hell and abuse I suffered for months in a basement, I became crazy and got sent here – Kansas – meaning I had to drop out of high school.
I suppose dropping out of high school wasn’t too bad because I didn’t really have any friends. My only friend was this kid called Balthazar. I never got to explain that I was leaving for Kansas and would probably never set a foot in San Diego ever again. I don’t think he’ll miss me very much because he had loads of other friends at school – he just had a weird fondness for me that I’ll never quite understand. I miss him very much. I hope he’s okay. My only regret is not finishing my education. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get a job when I finally get out of here (if I ever do).
Meg keeps writing letters to me and she keeps posting them under my door while I’m asleep. It’s getting kind of ridiculous now – I must have at least fifteen. I haven’t confronted her about it because, quite frankly, it’s embarrassing. They are all soppy letters about how she thinks I’m cute or notes asking me to meet her in the garden the next day. I think she’s under the impression that I like her, but I really don’t. Well…not as in physical attraction, anyway. She’s nice to talk to sometimes, I guess. I just wish she’d stop flirting with me because it makes me feel uncomfortable.
If she sends me one more, I will change the name it’s addressed to, to Dick and place it under his door instead. Sometimes I feel sorry for him because he thinks everybody likes him, but getting along with people like him is hard when he’s convinced the world revolves around Dick.
I can’t help but giggle as I place the notebook on the pile of Cas’ possessions that we’ve already searched. Doctor Hartman finds a notebook full of song lyrics that Castiel had scrawled down quickly. There was lyrics from every song he’d shown me, every song I’d put in the playlist, and every song I’d ever shown him when we sat in my car with a box full of cassette tapes. Sam finds a letter he’d written for his family shortly after they died, but none of us can find the courage to open it. Besides, that is something personal to Cas; he wouldn’t want us looking through his letters to deceased loved ones.
“I give up.” I sigh, chucking yet another notebook onto a pile of things we’d already looked through.
“Dean…you can’t stop looking now.” Doctor Hartman says as she neatens the pile.
“She’s right, Dean. You can’t give up jet yet.” Sam adds.
“But we’ve looked through every goddamned possession of his, and there is nothing remotely close to a goodbye. Can’t you see what that means? It means that he had no intention of this happening. He wasn’t trying to kill himself, don’t you understand?”
“But, Dean, there is so much more evidence that suggests that he wanted to end his life.” Doctor Hartman says.
“What’s up with you? It’s as if you want this to be a suicide attempt! You’re just looking for a reason to switch that machine off.”
“Castiel was like family to me, Dean. How dare you suggest that I want him dead? If I wanted him dead, why would I keep paying for his life support?!”
“What?” I choke.
“I’m paying for his life support, Dean. If it was up to the doctors, the machines would’ve been turned off two weeks ago because they really do now have much faith in him waking again anytime soon.”
“And you never thought to tell me?” I hiss angrily. The anger was spreading from my stomach to my fingertips, causing my fists to twitch down by my sides.
“Of course I didn’t! You would’ve hated knowing that you can’t afford to keep him alive. I’m doing you a favour, Dean. Can’t you just appreciate that?”
“Of course I appreciate it!” I snap, noticing Sam flinch by my side with the sudden outburst of anger in my voice. “That’s my husband-to-be we’re talking about! His life is the only thing I live for.”
“Well maybe you should show me a bit more respect next time you open your pathetic little mouth.” Doctor Hartman says quickly before marching out of the room.
“I wanted to be best man at the wedding.” Sam mumbles to himself. I look over at him and roll my eyes before leaving the room too, and heading back to where Castiel was still lying in ICU.
As I approach his room, I see Doctor Hartman sitting in the chair by his bed. She’s holding his hand in both of hers and I can tell by her sudden, erratic movements in her back that she’s crying. Something about the whole scene angers me. I think it’s the fact someone cares for Castiel almost as much as I do – after all, it’s my job to look after him and love him more than the earth, the moon, and the sun. Or maybe it’s the fact that he has a mother figure and I don’t even have that anymore. I shouldn’t envy this lady, but I can’t help it. If anything, I should be happy that Cas has people who love and care for him after all that he’s done and been through. But that should be me in that chair holding his hand, not her. She looks so protective over him as she strokes his pale cheeks with the back of her fingers. I guess she knows better than I do that the chances of him awakening are slim.
This lady was keeping him alive – and I totally disregarded that for days.
I knock on the door before entering. She looks up quickly and wipes her cheeks as if she was afraid to let me see her cry. Without a word, I take his hand and I place the ring on his finger as gently as I can.
“He loved you, Dean.” She whispers, looking at his motionless face with pain evident in her voice.
“I know.” I reply, perching on the windowsill.
“That’s the only thing that’s keeping me from completely believing that he wanted to end his life. He told me that he’d die for you.”
“He’s going to make it, I know it. He’s always been a fighter. This is just another obstacle he’s going to overcome.”
“Dean…” she sighs.
“No. I know he’s going to beat this, okay? I can feel it.”
“But, Dean, there’s only a twenty three per-cent chance of him waking. His other doctors say that if he doesn’t wake up soon, his organs with slowly shut down, one by one. Are you really prepared to watch that happen to him?”
“Just leave it, okay? He’ll be okay.”
“Has he ever been okay, Dean? Really? Don’t you think that letting him go would be for the best? Think about how much pain he’s gone through in the past, the things he has to face every single day, every dream reliving those months with Crowley, all those voices in his head that just come back after the pills have worn off…it’s for the best.”
“I can’t live without him.” I say simply. “I just can’t. I swear to god, if you turn that machine off I will end my own life quicker than it will take for his heart to stop.”
“Suicide isn’t ever an option, Dean! You’ve got your whole life ahead of you!” She says desperately. I could see the hopelessness in her eyes and it made my stomach churn.
“Castiel is my life. Don’t you dare take that away from me.”
* * *
“You could meet someone new.” Sam shrugs. “Maybe a girl this time…”
“SAM!” I hiss. He looks down at his book quickly, as if trying to convince himself that he hadn’t actually said anything.
“Maybe you should go travelling…you could go to the desert and the jungle! Or maybe even the North Pole!” He grins to himself. I could see him imagining me hiking through a jungle with a huge backpack and a map, discovering new species of plant that I could come home and tell him all about.
“Why not?” He whines.
“I have no money…no friends…no Cas to come with me.”
Sam rolls his eyes and stands up suddenly. “You’re always so miserable all the time! Why can’t you ever be happy! It’s not good, Dean. I used to enjoy your visits, but now I just wish they’d end. Go home – I don’t want you here anymore today.”
“I said: GO HOME.” He shouts, grabbing my bag from off the floor. He shoves it into my stomach, grabs me by the shoulder and shoves me out of the door.
“SAMMY, COME ON!” I yell, banging the door with my fists.
“Looks like somebody’s sick of your company.” Meg laughs. I turn around to find her and Lucifer standing against the wall.
“First Castiel…now your brother.” Lucifer smirks.
“Hey,” I growl, pointing a finger at him, “Shut your mouth, asshole.”
“Go on…hit me. You’ll just get removed from the hospital again. You won’t even be able to see your precious little boy up in ICU.”
“Just shove off.” I mumble, throwing my bag over my shoulder. I glare at the two of them before marching off down the corridor. I look over my shoulder to see them head into Sam’s room.
* * *
“Nice work, Sam.” Meg smiles, stroking the younger Winchester’s hair. “Must’ve been convincing…he seemed pissed.”
“Yeah…well…it was just acting.” He replies modestly.
“I was kind of hoping he’d hit me,” Lucifer frowns as he sits himself on the dresser, “It would’ve made this whole thing easier. There’s always the fact he’s going to be visiting Castiel when he’s still allowed in the hospital.”
“Well, we’ll just have to find another way to get him out of that room.” Meg says, pulling a small notebook out of her bra. Sam and Lucifer frown at her and she shrugs. “What? I had to keep our plan somewhere.”
“Okay, whatever, what’s next on the list?” Sam asks.
She flicks to the first page of her notebook and reads it quickly, before answering: “We need to get Doctor Hartman out of her office long enough for Lucifer to use her computer and find what we need.”
“Well…I’m supposed to be having a session with her today in an hour. Maybe I can convince her to have the session outside instead?” Meg suggests.
“It’s raining, you idiot.” Lucifer spits.
“Whatever.” She waves her hand dismissively at him. “Any other thoughts on how to distract Doctor Hartman?”
“I’ve got an idea.” Sam smirks.
* * *
The three of them, Lucifer, Meg and Sam, wait patiently outside Doctor Hartman’s office for her arrival. When she sees the three of them standing there, she frowns in confusion.
“Doctor Hartman,” Meg grins up at her, “I think I have a good idea for our session today!”
“Okay…what have you got in mind?”
“Well, you’ve been under a lot of stress lately, what with Castiel’s coma and all that, so I thought maybe we could have a…uh…girly relaxation session.” She mumbles. By her side, Sam and Lucifer struggle to keep their selves from bursting into a fit of laughter. Even Doctor Hartman is slight amused at her suggestion, but she doesn’t seem to dismiss the idea.
“Sure!” Doctor Hartman grins.
Meg puts on a huge smile and beams up at her too. “Well…come to my room so I can paint your nails.” She says, linking the doctor’s arm in her own. As they pass Sam, she elbows him in the ribs and mutters, “Fuck you.”
They wait for the doctor and Meg to disappear down the corridor before Lucifer opens the door to her office and lets himself inside. Sam sits outside in the hallway keeping watch for anybody who may ruin their plan. About ten minutes later, Lucifer emerges from the office with a hand full of notes scribbled in Meg’s notebook.
“Sure you’ve got what we need?” Sam mutters as they head back to his room.
“Positive.” Lucifer replies.