Duo feels incompetent and tries to leave. Heero interrupts. Attempted suicide, shounenai. 2x1
Summary: Duo feels incompetent and tries to leave. Heero interrupts. H/C, shounen-ai. 2x1
A/N: Lotsa one-shots from me lately. Oh well, better one-shots than no-shots. Sorry about the other fics; I swear I'm trying to update. I just get sidetracked. And I have writer's block on it. shrugs I've been looking around to get ideas though, so maybe soon.
He'd never expected things to become so horrible so quickly. When he'd asked Heero to move in with him and become his lover nearly a year ago, he'd thought he'd found the love of his life. Heero was perfect: strong, brave, kind, beautiful, and hard to kill. They shared interests despite having opposing personalities. Duo enjoyed pulling Heero out of his antisocial shell, and Heero was as much a virgin as he was (or, rather, wasn't), so there was no need to be ashamed. Heero willingly took over the things Duo disliked: the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the uke position...even the jobs. Duo had joined Preventers after the Mariemaia incident. When he'd asked Heero to be his lover, the other boy had been working at a dog kennel. After he moved in, Heero had joined Preventers as his partner, and Duo liked it. At first. When he didn't want to do a job, Heero took it, or made it go to someone else. When he groused about the paperwork, Heero did it for him before his first complaint. When he wanted to go somewhere, eat something, buy something, Heero made sure he did it or had it. It had been great. Heero didn't ask for anything in return, and he seemed happy, too. He was the perfect boyfriend.
Despite his height advantage, intelligence, and bodily power, Duo felt handicapped compared to the Japanese teen. He still loved him - how could he not? - but he felt so incompetent. Heero always thought of everything. Duo never had to lift a finger to do anything, and if he forgot something, Heero was sure to have fixed it before he even realized there was a problem. It was suffocating - even when he screwed up, Heero made sure no one knew. He'd forgotten Hilde's birthday two months before, and before he could apologize for the lapse, Heero had handed her a gift from the two of them. Duo hadn't even known they'd gotten a gift. Heero told her Duo had picked it out, and when Duo protested Heero had seemed confused, and reminded Duo that he'd told Heero that Hilde wanted it, and her birthday was on the calendar. Heero always had the answer, and it was always logical and correct.
It made him want to scream.
He'd grown up on the streets. Duo was the epitome of "individuality," and not being allowed to take care of himself was so frustrating. He'd tried to take on some of the work; tried to get Heero to let him help, but Heero just had to give him that tiny, rare, beautiful smile and tell him he could handle it, and Duo would back down.
He couldn't go on like this, he knew. He'd end up hating Heero if he did, and he didn't want to do that. Heero couldn't help being perfect; it was Duo that was the problem. That was why he was leaving. He'd taken off while Heero was finishing up the paperwork from their last case at the office in order to take the cowardly way out. He packed a few of his things quickly into a duffel for easy transportation and wrote a brief note apologizing to Heero and telling him why he'd left and that he wouldn't be back to their apartment. They were through, and it was for the best.
He was in the bedroom, zipping up his duffel and about to fetch his jacket from beside the note on the comforter when he heard the front door unlock.
Heero was home.
Swiftly, he seized his things and fled to the bathroom, shutting the door just in time as Heero's voice echoed through the house.
He carefully backed away from the still partially open door and set down his bag and jacket to keep from making extra noise. After a moment he heard Heero enter the bedroom quietly, perhaps thinking he was asleep. There was a soft sound of crinkling paper as Heero found the note, and then silence.
Curiosity getting the better of him, Duo edged over until he could see through the crack in the door.
Heero was standing almost directly across from his line of vision, at the end of the bed that was covered in black sheets and a black comforter Duo had insisted on ordering a few months before. His messy brown hair was obscuring his face too much for Duo to see his expression, and he was staring in perfect silence at the note clutched in his hand.
Finally, he stirred and brushed his hair out of his eyes before putting the note softly back down on the comforter and walking out of Duo's line of vision. There was the sound of a drawer opening and a small clunk before Heero moved back into view.
He was holding a gun.
Duo froze in place, mind speeding as he tried to process this. Was Heero really the vengeful type? He wouldn't really kill Duo for leaving him, would he? He watched, still in shock, as Heero touched the note gently.
"Ninmu ryokai," he whispered. Face as calm as ever, Heero raised the gun and placed it at his temple in a smooth motion, finger on the trigger.
Duo burst out of hiding.
"You idiot!" he shouted, ignoring how Heero instinctively pointed the gun at him. He marched up to his partner and punched him in the eye before grabbing the gun, flicking on the safety, and tossing it across the room. Heero didn't move, but stared at him blankly, blue eyes wide as Duo shouted at him. "What the hell were you thinking, you selfish bastard!? Didn't you consider-" Heero reached out to him tentatively, and Duo stopped yelling to grab him in a fierce embrace, with Heero's head pressed into his chest.
"God, Heero, don't you ever do something that stupid again!" he snapped, but with less force behind it. He frowned down suspiciously when Heero didn't respond. "Why, Heero?"
The other boy shifted slightly and looked up at him in confusion.
"You don't want me anymore." His voice was small, and he sounded unfocused. Duo sat down heavily on the bed and pulled Heero down beside him.
"I still love you, Heero; I just can't cope with not being as good as you," said Duo quietly. Heero frowned at him.
"As good as me? In what?"
"Everything," said Duo, with a forced laugh. "You do everything; you keep track of everything, you do everything I don't want to do...it's like I'm some kind of pet - you even let me be seme!" Heero's eyes were worried.
"I just wanted to make you happy. Dr. J said-"
"When did you talk to J?" growled Duo. "I thought he was dead."
"He is," Heero assured him, "but during my training he told me that if I survived the war I'd have to make sure the people I love never want to leave. He said you'd require a pleasant environment at all times. You can't be unhappy, or you'll leave." He shook his head. "But you were unhappy anyway. Why, Duo? What do you want me to do?"
"Heero...I don't expect you to be perfect," said Duo slowly. "I liked it when you used to yell at me to shut up, or not to touch your laptop. You're an independent person, too. You can't just force yourself to change just to keep me happy at all times. So...what is it you want to do?"
Heero's face was blank, as though he didn't understand the question.
"I want you to be happy," he said. Duo shook his head.
"But what do you want to do?" he asked. "I don't have to be happy all the time, Heero. And I'm happy when you're happy. What makes you happy?"
"Making you happy." Duo sighed and attempted to switch tactics.
"What do you like to do when I'm not around?" he asked. He watched Heero as the other boy struggled with the question.
"I...like to read," said Heero finally, sounding tentative. Duo couldn't believe how unstable his attempt to leave had made his lover. He'd seen Heero this vulnerable only once before, when he realized he'd assassinated the Alliance Doves, and Wufei had told him of the only other time he knew of; the emotional collapse during his battle with Heero in AC 196. It wasn't normal, and it was frightening him. Heero was too strong to just give up like this. But he smiled and ran a hand through Heero's messy hair.
"Yeah, that's good," he enthused. "Any particular books?"
"Fantasy," said Heero softly, as though it were something to be ashamed of. Duo ignored that and smiled.
"Great! I'll keep that in mind. What's your favorite type of movie?" He hoped easy questions would relax Heero enough for the hard ones, like attempted suicide.
"Happy endings," said Heero, sounding firmer. Duo's smile became more genuine.
"What does that mean?" he asked curiously. Heero's eyes were beginning to lighten as he relaxed.
"When the characters struggle with something and triumph at the end."
"So no horror movies then?" he joked, feigning disappointment. Heero shook his head.
"They bore me."
"Good! We're communicating." Duo smiled broadly and Heero gave a slight nod. "Next question. What's the one thing you don't ever want to do?"
"Kill someone," said Heero, and flinched as Duo jerked away to stare at him. Heero had killed a man only a few days ago on orders from Lady Une. Duo hadn't even thought it might have affected him. After all, it was part of working with the Preventers, right?
That thought rang in his head as Duo stared at Heero, and quickly made him suspicious.
"Heero, do you even like your job?" he asked incredulously. Those blue eyes flinched downwards and gave him his answer. "Holy /shit/," he swore, leaping up to pace across the rug; shock quickly turning to anger. "Why are you working there?" he demanded. "They don't need you that badly. What possessed you to do a job you hate?" He stared at Heero and his anger vanished at the begging in those eyes.
"Me," he sighed. "Of course." He knelt down in front of Heero and looked up at him anxiously. "I don't want you to hurt yourself for me, Heero," he sighed. "And I definitely don't want you to do anything you hate. What else have you been hiding from me? Are you secretly harboring a desire to top? Do you want kids? A pet? Do you hate going to parties? Do you have any weird tastes, like peanut-butter and tunafish sandwiches? What?"
"I liked the dog kennel," said Heero shyly, looking away. Duo squeezed his hand reassuringly, and Heero took a small breath. "I don't like meat very much." His voice had grown very soft, as though even now he still didn't want Duo to know what he was telling him. "I don't like thinking an animal was killed for me to eat. Fish is okay though; seafood stuff. But I can eat meat," he added hurriedly. "It's not a problem or anything." He stiffened in surprise when Duo stood to hug him tightly.
"You're an idiot and so am I," he mumbled as he pressed his lips to Heero's hair. "Go on."
"I do like being uke," the boy said quickly. "Seme's not as good for me." Duo laughed and sat them both back on the bed.
"Well, that's reassuring. What about kids?"
"Maybe a few years," said Heero slowly. "Right now I'm not ready; I want to be sure I'll be a good parent before I start thinking about it seriously. I do know that I'd want to adopt with you, if we're still together?" Duo hugged him again.
"Yes, we are." Heero relaxed against him. "And buddy, we really need to address your issues with suicide and sacrifice. No more meat for you, for one thing. And you can quit Preventers for any job you like.
"This is a partnership, okay? If I don't like something, I'll tell you, and you can do the same. It doesn't mean you have to change; just that I'm making you aware of how I feel. You don't have to accommodate my every need, you know. Sometimes I like arguing, and its fun when you let me whine." Heero looked nervous, but Duo was feeling better than he had in a long time.
It wasn't easy, living with Heero, but at least it would no longer be "perfect". That, Duo thought as he leaned in to kiss his lover, was real perfection.