Meg Griffin and her family must contend with a sudden zombie outbreak...and meet her new boyfriend.
By Kairi Taylor
"Look Meg, try to see this from our point of view. Something like this only comes along every once in a while and when it does you just have to jump at the chance. You'd do the same thing too!"
Meg rolled her eyes, a clear indication of her annoyance at the statement. One of the things she had learned in her 18 years of existence in Quahog, other than why it's a very good idea to never let her father ingest a can of Red Bull, is that the loyalties of the few friends she kept could be called wavering at best.
"Oh no, Beth, I completely understand," Meg replied, "I mean if you want to go to Connie's Halloween Dance, be my guest. It's not a big deal really."
"Are you sure? It sounds like a big deal to you."
"No it's not. If it was a big deal, I'd take great pains to remind you that it was me who just a few months ago talked you out of buying hideously fake boobs because Johnny Bishop said you'd look better as a DD Cup. But no, I'm not that kind of girl."
The other 3 friends in Meg's small circle shifted uncomfortably in their seats in the cafeteria table. There was no denying Meg was angry with them but her rather blasé expression betrayed any notion of it. "All right Meg, fine, we're horrible friends we admit it," Patty huffed, "but face facts: none of us are popular. A popular kid asked us to go to her dance. You knew we'd be taking this."
"Yes, I realize that. I was hoping for you to, you know, have a moment of hesitation, maybe at least 5 seconds. The invitation itself is bad enough. 'A Night of Halloween Fright, Music and Fun With a 100% Guarantee Meg Griffin Will Not Be Here'. Forgive me if I withhold my enthusiasm."
"You forgot the dates she got us." Ruth pointed out.
"You mean bought. I thought there was a law preventing girls from having male escorts after The Corey Feldman debacle."
"Ok, 1 they are not male escorts, they are from the Future Manwhore Club", Esther pointed out, "and 2, they were completely optional."
"If you want Meg, I'll get one of the backup boys to hang out with you on Halloween," Beth offered "but he's kind of on the odd side. I think he may be a Scientologist."
"Thanks but no. I've already got a date lined up." Meg smiled. At that precise moment, everyone in the cafeteria stopped and turned to face Meg as soon as those words left her mouth. "The Swiss meatballs must be getting to me," the cafeteria lady said, "but did you say you have a date?"
"With a guy?"
"This time yeah." Students and teacher alike looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and started exchanging cash as one student asked "Ok, so how long did it take for Meg to find a normal guy this time?"
"Uh, since the middle of Season 9 I think!"
"Oh good. All right, we're now taking bets for how long it'll take for Brian to make another anti-religion crack."
As she put her books away into her locker, Meg let out a sigh of relief. Things were a rather mixed bag as far as her social and private life were concerned, but her academic prospects had turned out better than she hoped; she had been contacted by both Cornell and NYU for a potential scholarship and the school paper had promoted her to the head writer position. Considering the last assignment she had, which of all things involved an underground fondue network implicating the Chess Club it was a very welcome step up.
Closing the locker door, a very welcome face warmly greeted her with a smile; a young, round faced man, about 2 inches taller than her and with a mass of red hair on his head was waiting. "Hello luv, how was your day?" The charming English accent warmed her heart as she replied "As best as I expected it to go, if you expect your friends to openly betray you."
"In short, normal."
"Don't get so down, Meg," the young man said "just think of the good thing about all this. In a few months you'll be as far away from them as humanly possible. Unless of course you snap and go on a chainsaw killing rampage. Then that will put a damper on your plans."
"I'd probably have time to write my memoirs."
"With the option of having them made into a film by Warner Bros."
"Oh God no. If anyone is going to turn my life story into a movie, it's going to be Universal."
"Hello there, Meg."
She cringed at the sound of the voice nearby, the voice that held a more-important-than-you weight to it; Connie D'Amico stood a few feet from her, along with her entourage of hanger ons and admirers. The cruel smirk on her mouth was a contrast to the beautiful face that it was on. "Hello Connie." Meg deadpanned."
"You know, I was reconsidering my decision not to invite you to my dance."
"Oh really?" Meg raised an eyebrow. She knew a joke was coming, but it was taking all of her recently acquired patience to not outright throttle Connie.
"Yeah, the guy who was playing the Creature From the Black Lagoon called in sick. I think you'd be the perfect replacement." The following seconds of cruel laughter did little to break Meg's resolve; she's heard far worse.
"My aren't you the witty one. Did it take you 3 days to think of that?"
Connie looked at the young man who dared to speak to her like that. "Oh and who are you supposed to be, her knight in shining armor?"
"No that's my brother Gawain." The young man said as he pointed down the hall, where a horse carrying a man in silver armor galloped fiercely, a buxom cheerleader in his arms. "My name is Shaun however."
"Whatever. Like I said, who are you supposed be?"
"I happen to be Meg's date for the evening, in case that information is vital to you. Which it isn't."
Right, a 'date'," Connie smirked, "Listen cutie, I have a better idea. Why not ditch Meg and hang out with people who really matter?"
"I beg to differ," Shaun said, "as I enjoy her company very much. And may I point out that I don't particularly care for women who are rather slow learners."
"I've been here as a student for a brief time, but I heard that in all the history of you and Meg, during the times that you chose to torment her, her mother sent a sexual deviant to your house, her father bashed your face repeatedly into a fire extinguisher, her younger brother humiliated you and stole your position as the alpha bitch, you were arrested for dating her 1 year old baby brother, Meg herself personally beat all of you bloody with a bag full of soda cans before claiming you as her own and the family dog verbally dissected you and reduced you to a state of tears while drunk off his arse. Yet after all of this you continue to harass her. Either you are extremely daft or you have the learning capacity of Gov. Rick Perry."
Connie narrowed her eyes, not enjoying the fact that the British kid just verbally ripped her. Snapping her fingers, she coldly uttered "Teach him a lesson. Painfully." As the two jocks approached him, Meg shook her head. "Looks like someone forgot about the new anti-bullying policy."
"THIS ONE YA PUNK!"
Before the jocks knew it, WWE Superstar Sheamus took them down; he smashed in the jaw of one with the Brogue Kick before grabbing the other and tossed him hard out the window. Connie and her group of minions then took the best course of action, mainly running for their lives."
"Anything for a fellow ginger!"
"Oh come on Meg, you gotta come to my house tonight!" Neil begged her as she printed out her latest editorial. "We're gonna have so much fun, it can be a double date!"
"I don't see the fun in watching heavily censored classic horror movies." Meg pointed out to the editor of the school paper. "And that reminds me, who the hell censors the 1933 version of Dracula?"
"The movie makes my father very squeamish."
"Your father has issues."
"Oh, and yours doesn't?" Neil reminded her.
"Hey I freely admit that my father can be a tremendous d-bag. But at least he's finally in therapy with the rest of us."
"I heard about that. Just what happened?"
"Family Game Night, that's what happened."
"Was it Monopoly?"
"No, it was the Game of Life. One minute, Dad's making a wise crack about Chris' college prospects and Mom's saying I should hope for a human baby, next thing you know the police are taking our fingerprints after I crash the car through the front window."
Neil blinked at this, not bothering to find out what would drive Meg to attempt to commit possible vehicular homicide. "At least you did something as a family." Looking at Connie's invitation Neil observed something. "Now this is weird…"
"I told you, I have no idea where those pics of your girlfriend came from!"
"Not that, it's the—wait why do you have—"
"You do not wish to pursue this line of questioning." Meg calmly said as she waved her hand in front of Neil.
"I'm not going to pursue this line of questioning. I just noticed something about the dance. It says here that Connie plans to read from the Necronomicron."
"Necronomicron? Well it is a Halloween party. From a certain ascetic sense that wouldn't be too weird."
"You know what's really odd? Not one Jewish joke so far."
"It's fan fiction," Meg explained, "the writer is trying to keep it as close to pre-cancellation Family Guy as possible."
"Honey have you seen the candy corn?" Lois called to Peter as she set about the task of filling the bowls on top of the coffee table with various candies. Peter entered the room seconds later with a bag of the requested treat as he asked her "I don't understand why you went with this, why not the black licorice?"
"Ugh, not that. That is one long black stick I won't be putting into my mouth again."
"Can't tell if that was a double entendre or an unintentional joke." Peter replied.
"It was unintentional."
"Good enough for me. Still, do we have to hang out with the kids tonight? I was hoping for one Halloween you and me could do something together."
"I know sweetie, but I want to meet this Shaun person that Meg's been with, he sounds like a nice boy. Who knows, he could be the next David Beckham or Matt Smith."
"Or Hugh Grant."
"Ugh, not him. His taste in women is questionable. I rather go for Christopher Eccelston."
"Nah, I'm not a big fan of him." Peter replied. "Don't get me wrong, he was a great Doctor, but his choice in roles is hit or miss. Did you see his performance in Rise of Cobra? Clancy Brown did a better job, I could actually believe he was Destro!"
"Hey look, doesn't Stewie look so CUTE in his costume?" Brian and Stewie made their way down the stairs as Peter got a good look at their attire; Stewie was dressed up in the costume of the original Blue Bomber himself, Mega Man, while Brian had on a white button down shirt, brown pants and black jacket while a camera hung around his neck. In his hands was a baseball bat.
"You know, I really wanted to go as Proto Man," Stewie said, "but that may have been too obscure for everyone. And at least it wasn't the Captain N version. God, how lame is it to say 'mega' every other sentence?"
"Not as lame as the Kid Icarus character." Brian added. "I died a little every time he spoke."
"Hey, looking god there son!" Peter smiled at Stewie. "You just watch out for those spikes though."
"Oh don't worry, I've got that taken care of!"
"How much for the Shock Guard?" Stewie asked Roll as he approached the counter to her shop. Checking her list, she informed him "That will be 50 bolts for 1."
"Wow, 50? That's a pretty good deal. I'll take 3, oh and throw in a E-Tank!"
"And look at Brian!" Lois pointed out. "He looks like he's ready to get the scoop of the century!"
"Of course Lois after all he has—"
"You finish that & you'll be taking a baseball bat to the knee." Brian warned Peter.
"It's really nice of you to take Stewie to the party at the mall tonight Brian." Lois said to their long time canine friend.
"Hey, no problem. I've got nothing better to do tonight anyway. It was either this or watch extremely edited horror classics with Mort." Brian shook his head in frustration as he muttered "No man should see Frankenstein censored in such a manner."
"Just promise me you and Quagmire get along." Peter added. "I know things between you two are a bit tense."
"Ain't that the truth?" Stewie replied.
"I don't think you'll have to worry too much. He'll probably be too busy hitting on single mothers to be bothering me. I can only speculate how many kids may actually be his."
"Vegas odds say 10." Lois spat out. "Where's Chris?"
"Oh he's in his room doing You Know What." Peter replied, making quotation movements with his fingers.
"Wow…he's really dedicated."
"I know Lois, who'd thought he'd get past round 20 of Call of the Dead on his own?"
"Oh God, why can't he just masturbate like any other normal kid?" Stewie sighed.
The Quahog Mall was about as lively as it can get that night as it was filled with all sorts of children dressed in various costumes running around the area. As Brian and Stewie made their way to the mall entrance, Stewie observed "Tell me Brian, is it me or are the costumes for Halloween getting less and less creative?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well look at that kid right there dressed as Justin Bieber."
"Wait," Brian narrowed his eyes, "I think that is Justin Bieber. And if he's not, I feel sorry for him. No kid deserves to be run out of town on the rails like that."
"Too true. Oh look there's Joe and Quagmire." Stewie pointed ahead to the gates of the mall where Peter's friends stood; Joe was dressed in the costume of Robocop while Quagmire had on a black trench coat and dark shirt with pants while twirling a stake in his hands."
"Hey Brian, thanks for making it." Joe said.
"Don't mention it Joe," Brian smiled, "but your costume choice…"
"The irony is not lost on me, I know," Joe answered, "but it was either this or Serpico."
"So much for cybernetic realism." Stewie quipped.
"I'm still stumped by Quagmire's choice of costume though," Joe continued, "he's says he's an angel or something."
"No, not an angel, ANGEL, the vampire with a soul from Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Quagmire explained.
"Oh right the show with the lesbian witch that loves flutes. How'd I forget that?"
"So you chose a vampire who has serious relationship issues and probably has been with far too many women. Seems appropriate." Brian observed.
"Hardy har har, coming from someone dressed as a glory hound reporter who makes amoral choices and has an infection." Quagmire shot back.
"Well that didn't take too long." Stewie sighed.
"Ok you two, knock it off." Joe said. "You both promised me you wouldn't lay into each other and I expect you to live up to your word. This is supposed to be a fun night for the kids, so behave or as God as my witness I WILL put you over my knee and spank you!"
"You can't possibly be serious."
"Check the Quahog by-laws. I think you'll find some interesting law enforcement provisions have been in place for a long time."
"And that was how I discovered the true meaning of Arbor Day."
"That's very fascinating Peter, but Shaun only asked you what you prefer to watch on the weekends." Lois sighed. The couple was seated in the living room with Meg and Shaun at that moment, Shaun enduring what was best described as the most awkward story ever involving maple trees, lemurs, pancakes and Eric Bana.
"No it's quite alright, Mrs. Griffin," Shaun assured her, "I've heard quite a few odd anecdotes before. It's just that last part…"
"Yeah, visiting Oregon will be a bit of a problem for us." Lois said.
"The good thing about it is that I learned how to be a very capable lumberjack." Meg pointed out. "Always good to have a career to fall back on."
"You have no idea how true that is." Lois agreed, remembering some of her more questionable jobs. "Meg, can you help me in the kitchen for a bit while we let Peter and Shaun get acquainted."
"This is not girl code for 'we're gonna gossip to your friends about this' is it?"
"No Peter, we wait until poker night for that."
"Oh, ok then."
Picking up the plates of leftovers on the table, Lois and Meg rose from their seats and left the room, leaving the two men alone. "So, Shaun, I see you're quite smitten with my daughter."
"Yes, I do suppose you could say that." Shaun agreed.
"I'll have you know, Shaun, that I don't just let anyone date my daughter! We have very
definitive guidelines for whom she dates. For starters, it helps if any of her beaus are human."
"Understandable. Who has she dated?"
"Quite a few. She went out with my neighbor Joe's son before he faked his death in the war and went AWOL. That was a very awkward Thanksgiving. She went out with Adam West at some point. It was an on again, off again deal. She dated this nice kid who was in jail. I don't know what happened with him but MAN did interfering with that one come back to kick me in the ass! She had a quick fling with Jimmy Fallon—"
"Yeah I saw. Thank you for popping him one."
"Lorne Michaels personally thanked me. And then there was this girl she dated but I don't think it counts. She just didn't even try to get to first base until Lois showed her how."
"It sounds like Meg had a very, umm, varied list of suitors."
"Quite, which leads me to you Shaun." Peter continued. "I must ask you a series of questions to gauge your worthiness and whether or not your seed is worthy of her!"
Shaun's eyebrow's raised. "Um, wait…"
"No no, this is mandatory. First question: what's up with Cardiff?"
"Ugh, I get that a lot!"
"You have no idea," Shaun explained, "because ever since they filmed the first series of Doctor Who, it seems like everyone wanted to know about it. I'm not even anywhere NEAR Cardiff, I'm from Wales! And don't get me started on that Manchester United!"
Meanwhile, in the gym of James Woods High the dance was going on as well as anyone would expect to: the house D.J. blasted obnoxious remixes of Halloween classics while teenagers danced awkwardly or held strange and grossly inappropriate conversations with one another. One of them involved Meg's friend Molly and her paid-for date, a tall fair skinned boy who bared an uncanny resemblance to Taylor Lautner.
"Are you sure that—"
"No, I'm sorry. I can't walk around the rest of the night topless. I get that a lot."
"Ok then how about we slip out and get a little more intimate?"
"Whoa, wait, hold up! Look, I know Connie paid me and my friends to escort you to the dance, but we have rules. I'm not just some manwhore who you can throw money at and have your way with sexually for hours on end…not since Mrs. Palin came to town that one time. I'll never look at a moose the same way again."
"Oh, sorry." Molly apologized.
"And don't you want to get to know me first? I'm more than just a pretty face and conveniently chiseled muscles."
"Yes, look at your friends. They're making out with mine!"
"That's because their drinks were spiked. Thank you for not stooping to their level by the way."
"You know I thought I'd be enjoying this evening but I'm sadly feeling underwhelmed." Connie sighed as she looked into her drink. Her date, Todd the quarterback, scratched his head and asked her "I thought the point of this was to make Meg miserable."
"And it was, but I just realized two things. One, it's rather pointless to go through all of this if she's not here. Two, I just spent a complete shitload of cash on a DJ who played Gangnam Style. And not even the original version. What does that have to do with Halloween anyway?!"
"Ever seen people dance to it? That is horrifying enough."
"Ok, I'll give you that." Connie sighed and sat down in her chair, leaning back and drinking a shot before looking up at the ceiling and said to her companion "Look, I'm bored to tears. Let's just get the hell out of here and go get some burgers or something. I'm hungry and the crap we got here wouldn't even be fit to serve to a Somali orphan!"
"Now now, let's not be that hasty." The voice behind her belonged to the one person no one actually would take part in a high school dance; Joyce Kinney. The older woman smiled sweetly as she said to Connie "Besides, it wouldn't hurt to do just one quick little reading from the Necronomicron, could it?"
"I suppose not." Connie sighed. "When was the last time a book reading caused a problem anyway?"
"Uh, remember when the Iranian president read Mein Kempf to Bill Goldberg?" Todd suggested.
"Oh yeah…never thought I'd see a man bounce off the torch at the Statue of Liberty like that." Connie chuckled. "Ok, just a few quick sentences and I'm out of here."
Approaching the podium, which was draped with various plastic bones, Connie made a hand motion, signaling the techies to dim the lights. With the appropriately placed flashlight in front of her face she addressed the rest of the audience. "And now, my favorite ghouls, we shall now hear some words from the Book of the Dead itself, the NECRONOMICRON!"
"Is that the correct pronunciation?"
"Uh, I think. Look, not all of us know Latin, ok? Now then…" Opening the book on the podium, Connie read the following words: "Si hoc legere scis, placere intelligere originale putabatur ioco uti antea Klingonica Connie originali legitur sermonibus. Sed quaero, ita tamen inritum fuit rana in fine huiusce sententiae satis est ad plaude caelo canis." Seconds later, a dark cloud formed above Connie and Kermit the Frog was unexpectedly dropped down onto the podium, who then proceeded to pimp slap her across the face. "That's for meddling with the Dark Arts and putting me in this lame gag!" Kermit huffed before scrambling off muttering "Now I have to get a ride from Fozzie Just my luck."
"Opps, sorry, I had you reading from the wrong portion. Try this one." Joyce laughed as she turned a few pages back. Connie cleared her throat and tried again. "Ok, let's see... Clamávero tenebris copias ex inferno, invoco nomen Romero, Raimi, et Mikami Wright ad devolvat furorem in immortuos et mortale hoc regno devolvat furorem Satan! O EPICINIUM et legere fabulas, quod optimum est, si vere ex lege viri. OK iocus est super Sit mortibus incipiam!"
Seconds later, as she finished uttering her words, the ground began to shake underneath the gym. The lights flickered violently as Connie looked all around her and said "Wow, the Special Effects Club really went out of their way on this one. I didn't think the budget could cover anything like this." As she marveled at the rather terrifying sight before her, one of the techies ran up to her and said "Yeah, about that. This is probably a bad time to mention this, but all of this that's going on right now? That's not us?"
"What? What do you mean it's not you?"
"Look, with the money we got, the best we could do was scary silhouettes and a used Bat-Signal. What's going on right now, this ain't us!"
The realization of what was going on finally dawned on Connie. "So, what you're saying is…I just invoked a spell that may have summoned the forces of the damned from Hell."
"Very good," Joyce cruelly sneered. "And they say blondes have no brains."
"Uh look, I know I'm not a main character," the Techie pointed out, "but I'm gonna break protocol and say BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE HER DO?!"
"Oh it's all part of my rather detailed plan to get revenge on an old friend of mine," Joyce sighed. "Now then, I believe you kids have a more pressing matter on your hands. Namely, them."
Connie and the Techie turned to see where Joyce's hand pointed. A large sinkhole opened in the middle of the floor and from the depths, an assortment of bodies, many rotting and some freshly decayed, emerged from the depths, shuffling over towards the students and faculty. Todd blinked and asked Connie "So, are these the type of zombies that run or are they the slow moving varie—" but he was interrupted as a pair quickly rushed over and began tearing into his flesh.
"I'm guessing it's a mix of both actually." The techie said. "EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND SOCIAL OUTCAST FOR THEMSELVES!"
"This is the LAST time I let the mafia dump bodies underneath school property." The principal groaned these ironic words as he was set upon by a pair of the ravenous undead. Unknown to the students within the school halls however, the streets of Quahog was undergoing a similar predicament as well…
"So tell me Shaun, how do you find our country so far?" Peter asked the young man as they continued to sip their individual sodas.
"Oh, I find my experience to be quite interesting," Shaun explained, "but I was kind of confused. I saw this blonde haired, uh, creature wailing on the television the other day. Her lips were the ugliest Technicolor shade and her verbal skills were quite dreadful. I was surprised really, I never thought a Banshee would come on these shores."
"Uh, no that's not a Banshee. That's actually Nicki Minaj." Peter corrected him. "Yeah, trust me, I looked into it and as far as I can tell ya, she's very much human."
"But I do understand the confusion. Speaking of the unintelligible, let's see what's on TV." Peter picked up his ever so trusty remote from the side table and turned the TV on, only to come across the middle of a bizarre news report. "—and the last of the council was shipped out. Again, if you're just tuning in to our news report, this is Tom Tucker reporting live from the bunker of our news office. If the only reason you turned on the television was because you were talking to your daughter's new boyfriend, here's what you missed out on. Quahog is in the middle of what is best described as a disaster of biblical proportions, straight out of a B-movie plot. The streets are teeming with the undead and citizens are being advised to barricade themselves in their homes right now as local police and armed forces deal with the suddenly increase in the zombie population. We go now to our Asian reporter, Trisha Takinawa who is on the scene. Trisha, are you there?"
The broadcast then quickly switched to somewhere on the streets of Quahog, in the middle of a street somewhere where a few houses were on fire. Trisha stood amongst the ruins, her dress torn and wielding a shotgun in one hand, her microphone in the other. Her voice, as ever, was calm, as she began her correspondence. "I'm standing here in the middle of what I can best describe as Hell on Earth, Tom," Trisha began "and after spending a good 45 minutes of my life killing the damned, I can safely say I have never felt more alive. With me now is Staff Sergeant Jack Coulson of the 341st Armored Division. Sir—"
"Uh ma'am, you can just call me Sgt. Non enlisted officers can't be referred to as sir anymore."
"Right. Sgt, what can you tell us about these zombies?"
"Oh, quite a bit actually Trisha. Our intel shows that these zombies would be classified by our definition as a D-Type, some would refer to them as 'Deadites'. These types of zombies are usually unleashed via supernatural means like say a summoning or the arrival of a primal god. The means of which they spread their infection is usually through biting a human. If the human is not devoured by the zombie in question, then it's only a matter of time before they become a zombie, unless of course they hack off the infected limb. However that may not always work."
"I see, quite informative." Trisha paused her interview to wheel herself around and fire a shot into the gut of a shambling zombie approaching her from behind, blasting it in half and allowing the upper body to fall. It continued to slowly crawl her way as she asked "So what is the most effective way to destroy these zombies?"
"That's easy Trish! If anything games like Resident Evil and ZombiiU have taught us, it's that the most sure fire way to kill them is to destroy the head, like so." Coulson then pulled out a large 9MM pistol and fired a couple of shots into the skull of the bloody corpse, rendering it dead again. "While blowing them apart piece by piece slows them down, removing the brain will most definitely take them out."
"Quite a handy tip. Uh, we may have to show the viewer's just how effective this strategy is in a second." Trisha then hoisted up her shotgun and Coulson pulled out another pistol as they proceeded to open fire on the pack of zombies that somehow made it to their location. The next 45 seconds of airtime was a symphony of gunfire, blood and profanities as the two unleashed their salvo of death, shattering skulls and splattering brain matter everywhere. "So, for those of you watching, remember, take the head off and you will probably live to see another day! This is Trisha Takinawa and Tom, if we don't live to see this, let me say that I peed in the network head's coffee. Take that to your graves you racist bastards!"
Peter switched the television off as Shaun sat there, mouth agape. "My word, is that really what's going on?"
"Nah, it's gotta be some kind of hoax," Peter sighed, waving his hands dismissively "and it wouldn't be the first time those loons pulled it off. Come on, it's Halloween, people are on edge, they need a good scare so it's either the zombie apocalypse gambit or something involving vampires. And we all know where vampires stand now."
MEANWHILE IN TRANSYLVANIA
Dracula looked at the TV schedule and shook his head in disappointment. "Beautiful, just beautiful!" he said to Lestat. "First Twilight, then True Blood and now the freaking VAMPIRE DIARIES? Didn't the Fright Night remake even put a dent in all this crap?"
"No, I'm afraid not." Lestat sighed. "Hey, maybe we can get some good press with Konami. They are doing a Castlevania sequel you know."
"I suppose. And Hotel Transylvania has been profitable."
BACK TO QUAHOG
"Trust me Shaun, there's nothing to worry about. If anything, we have to worry about unruly trick or treaters egging my house again this year," Peter explained, "but I came prepared now!" A sudden thump was heard at his door as Peter smiled and said "See, now watch this." Peter reached into the back of the couch and pulled out a large Nerf gun. Getting off the couch, he walked over to the door and quickly pulled it open. On the other side was a teenager…at least it looked like a teenager. Half of the skin from his face looked as if it was ripped from the bone and his shirt had a huge bloodstain streaked across it. The raised arms that were going for Peter's throat had a variety of cuts and teeth marks dotting it. Unphased, Peter raised the gun and said "YOLK'S ON YOU, YOU TEENAGED SON OF A BITCH!" and fired. Normally, you'd expect a dart or two to come out of a Nerf gun. Not Peter. No, he had fired something far more effective. Namely, a small screwdriver. The projectile went through the teen zombie's body, taking a large amount of flesh with it as it exited from the other side, sending the monster to the ground.
"OH MY GOD!" Shaun shouted. "I think you just killed him!"
"Now, let's calm down there. Look, for one this is not murder, at best we can claim manslaughter on the basis that he was trespassing on my property with malicious intent. Now you're a smart kid, I need you to help me figure out a way to explain to the police why I had rigged this toy to fire a tool at high velocity. Also, I need you to help me figure out what constitutes as guilty by reason of insanity if manslaughter does not pan out."
"Yes, of course. Say, you said that this was all some part of an elaborate prank right?"
"Now, if that is true, can you explain THAT?" Shaun said as he pointed to the teen. The zombie rose back up, a large hole in his body, once again slowly going for Peter."
"HOLY CRAP A REAL ZOMBIE!"
"Fire again, Mr. Griffin!"
"I can't! That was a single shot screwdriver!"
Shaun's eyes scanned for something. Anything. Then, in the nearby coat rack by the door, he saw it. And oddly enough he did not question just why it was there but he had no alternative. As the zombie inched closer, Shaun grabbed the nearby cricket bat, pushed past Peter and swung hard. The sudden crack of hard oak meeting skull pierced the air as the wooden sports utensil had made an impact upon the zombies jaw, most likely shattering it as it fell again to the ground. Not waiting to see if his target was going to rise again, Shaun raised the bat and repeatedly swung down over and over again until the head was reduced to a literal red smear on the sidewalk. As Shaun gasped for air, he asked Peter "So, you play Cricket too?"
"Uh no, not really. See I got this Cricket set because I know how you Brits love all sorts of weird upscale sports and I kind of figured it'd be a nice little gesture to introduce you to something from your home country. Oh, and not trying to be funny or anything but you got some red on you."
"Yeah, I know. Uh, do you have any more handy? I think we're going to need them." Shaun pointed outside of the house, where two more zombies, this time apparently freshly minted ones, ran towards the open doorway. Peter grabbed a nearby fireplace poker and Shaun raised his cricket bat, ready to once again deal death.
Fortunately for them, the two zombies became a non issue. And really, why would they be after the following; a pair of kitchen knives whizzed past their heads and were embedded deep into the skulls of each of the zombies, killing them instantly. Peter and Shaun turned to see behind them stood Meg, a couple of kitchen utensils in her hands. Quickly slamming the door, Meg told her father "And you said that week in the Ringling Bros Circus would do nothing for my motor skills."
"I've tried calling the local police. Nothing I'm afraid." Lois sighed as she set the phone down. Peter hung up his cell phone and reported "It's not just us in Quahog apparently. Other cities up and down the coast seem to have been hit by the same thing too. I tried calling Cleveland in Stoolbend."
"How's he doing?" Lois asked.
"Well, the bad news is we won't be attending Cleveland Jr's graduation in the near future. Actually from what I hear, there wasn't much of Stoolbend left to salvage. But apparently Roberta has racked up an amazing 155 zombie kill streak. And Langley Falls has gone to hell as well."
"Does anything important happen there?" asked Chris.
"Not anymore Chris. Not anymore." Peter sighed, as if there was once something great within that area now forever lost.
"Peter, I'm worried. What about Brian and Stewie? They're in a mall and those zombies are out there!"
"Relax Lois. They're with Joe and Quagmire. Those two can handle themselves and look after Stewie. But what worries me is how any of this got started! Is this a Resident Evil situation or a Evil Dead situation? What if what that reporter said is true and we're dealing with zombies from Hell"
"What about aliens? It could be an alien thing." Chris offered. "Oh, you mean like Dead Space." Meg replied. "Nah, can't be."
"Meg's right, if it were aliens they would look a hell of a lot uglier." Peter said.
"Until we know for sure, the one thing we're not doing is leaving this house! Unless, of course, someone wants to make a snack run. If I'm gonna survive a zombie apocalypse, I'm gonna need a serious Twinkie surplus!"
"Oh, and tampons. I definitely need tampons." Lois reminded him. "Oh come on Lois, I thought you had a good supply." Peter groaned. "Fine, ok, obviously we need snacks, feminine hygiene products, what else?"
"The phone." Chris said.
"Well yes Chris, but I don't see why you need to point out—"
"No, the phone is ringing!" Chris pointed out. Peter, unsure why now of all times the phone would be ringing, picked it up. "Hello? Huh? Oh yeah, she's here. Sure, I can put her on. Uh Meg, it's one of your easily manipulated friends. Think it's the ugly one."
Meg, bewildered, grabbed the phone from Peter's hands. "Molly, is that you?"
"Me-Meg? Oh thank God you're there! We-we need help!"
"Ok calm down, look, I'm sure the cops are on their way—"
"I know! But this can't wait! It's the others, they've kind of—gone and lost it…"
"What do you mean lost it? Are they panicking?"
"Well, I guess. Is ripping out the throats of their dates and devouring their flesh cause for panicking?"
"Actually," Meg sighed, "I think it's more like a case of them being undead now. Where are you?"
"I'm in a closet at school with one of the Future Manwhores."
"Uh, I think I wanna reconsider my options for the future." A voice interjected, but Molly continued "Look, all I know is Connie was tricked into reading from the Necronomicron by Joyce and all hell has broken loose! You gotta call the cops and let them—Oh GOD!" The sounds of a door being shattered off its hinges and loud thumping noises filled Meg's ears as Beth's screams pierced the air, such that even the people in the living room with her could hear it. Seconds later, a low voice was all that Meg could hear."
"Molly? Molly?! Are you OK?"
"Gaaahhh…Oh hey, Meg is that you?"
"Uh, yeah. Who am I speaking to?"
"It's me, Frank! Uh, well I guess I USED to be Frank. I'm kind of living impaired now."
"You mean you're a zombie now." Meg concluded. "Well, if you wanna be crass about it, I suppose you can call me that," Frank answered back, "but that's not the point. The party's kind of lame right now, what with almost all of the students running around and trying to not get killed and the undead just running amuck. You wanna come on down and party with us?"
"Gee I dunno."
"Oh trust me, it's going to be fun. Let's face facts, it's the perfect chance to get out, have fun and kill all those assholes who treated you like crap. And the best part is most of them are dead!"
"Good point. Can I bring my family?"
"Meh, why not? Odds are, they probably are gonna die anyway. Oh and you may wanna try and stop Joyce Kinney if you feel up to it Apparently she's the one who is behind all of this and she's being a real bitch about it so if you can, you know, kill her for us and get revenge for the fallen…"
"Sure, I'm game. See you there!" Meg hung up the phone and said "Hey mom, remember that old friend of yours from TV who turned out to hate you because you made her life a living hell?"
"Joyce Kinney? Uh oh, what did she go and do now, release the sex tape of me and Emma Frost?"
"No, just tricked Connie into raising the dead. I'm going to the school to put an end to all this. Can you come with me?"
"Hell freaking yeah!" Peter smiled. "I've been waiting for a chance like this ever since I joined the George A. Romero Society!" Peter then pulled out a small black remote, attached to his keychain and pressed a button. A pane in the wall slid open and a full rack of firearms was revealed to all present. "Peter, where the hell did you get all of those guns?!" A reasonably angry Lois shouted.
"Oh, a got a good deal from that nice gun shop owner. Now look, I know what you're gonna say, but believe me, I got these legally."
"Ok, Mr. Griffin, before I sell you these weapons, I need you to fill out the necessary paperwork and answer a few questions." The gun shop owner informed Peter as he was handed an application.
"Yeah, that seems fair. Let's see, do I plan to use these weapons for home defense, vengeance or possible zombie apocalypse? Uh, I'm definitely going to have to answer zombie apocalypse."
"So let's get everyone geared up!" Peter replied to Lois as he looked through the racks. "Meg, you can have two of these guns here. They are the Smith and Wesson M37Air Weight revolver. It's lightweight and easy to wield, but it only holds six bullets so be careful not to miss. Chris and Shaun, I have a couple of Benelli shotguns that you two can use to—"
"It's ok Dad, we're spoken for." Meg said to her father as he turned to look at them. Meg was armed with a pair of Jericho 941 pistols and, strapped to her back, was a MP5SFK. At her side was a short katana blade in a black scabbard. Chris was armed with a Ithica M37 and Desert Eagle along with an aluminum bat while Shaun, still with a cricket bat, had an M16-A2.
"I can't believe you Peter Griffin. Out of all the things to do…those were the wrong choices to assign them. If anything you should give them these!" Lois pulled out her own weapon, a Benelli M4 Super 90. "Because when you have to kill every motherfucking zombie out there, this is the way to go!" She then pulled out a large Bowie knife and attached this to her belt.
"Fair enough Lois, fair enough." Peter agreed as he pulled out his own Benelli shotgun and grabbed a machete. "Ok, here's the plan. We make for the car and drive as fast as possible to the school. No matter what, don't panic. Just because these undead bastards look human, don't even hesitate to kill them or else they'll—"
Peter was stopped mid-sentence as the door was busted down violently. The group gasped in horror as Herbert, their elderly neighbor slowly walked in. Or rather, it once was Herbert. The shuffling corpse that entered the home has a large amount of blood smeared upon his blue robes, his left eye hanging limp from its socket. His throat had a large gaping bite wound and his thin arms were raised as he slowly made his way towards Chris.
"Chriisss" he moaned, "Let me hold you one more time." Chris, not flinching for one second, immediately raised his gun and fired one shot. The results were immediate and grisly as Herbert's head exploded in a mass of blood, brain matter and skull fragments, splattering all across the walls and floor of the household. As the body fell limp, Meg whistled and said "Wow, Chris, I didn't think you had it in you to kill Zombie Herbert!"
"Yeeaaahh…he was a zombie. Right." Chris nervously said as his eyes shifted back and forth.
Making their way to the car, the group gasped as they came across the chaos that currently engulfed the streets of their hometown; people ran down the streets as various undead heathens either shuffled down the streets or ran them down, ripping apart flesh and feasting upon mutilated corpses. Some folks elected to defend themselves, as one man managed to take a broom, break the brittles off and use it as a quarterstaff, bludgeoning various attackers and even using the pointed end to impale one zombie through the mouth. One woman using a makeshift set of nunchucks with a pair of old X-Box consoles, painted the streets red with the blood of her would be killers.
"Well, nice to see the neighbors are taking this well." Meg observed.
"Quite." Shaun agreed. As they all got into the car, Peter pulled out a CD and slid it into the CD player, saying to the other passengers "You know, when I first made this mix, I wasn't really being too serious. I mean, honestly, it was just a gag and now that I look back on it, making a Zombie Killer CD playlist doesn't seem so bad now!"
"Just drive Peter!" Lois yelled.
"Ok, ok! But please feel free to enjoy the musical styling's of Metallica as I run down these flesh eating sons of bitches." And with that, the thunderous guitar chords of "For Whom the Bell Tolls" filled the interior of the vehicle as Peter pulled out of the driveway, backing up onto a zombie and tearing it to pieces. The car sped down the road, taking time to hit every walking corpse in its wake, leaving a massive set of bloodstains streaked across its chassis as they drove towards James Woods High.
"Ok Brian, let's review. What did I expect to do today?"
"Come to the mall, take part in Halloween fun and collect a massive amount of candy from people in badly made monster suits."
"Right. Now what are we doing instead?"
"Killing legions of the dead which have inexplicitly been summoned from Hell." Brian answered, taking the time to swing his axe and behead a zombie which had somehow managed to make its way past his barricade, set up at the entrance to the mall
"Now that said, I have to say my expectations being dashed now doesn't seem so bad all things considered." Turning around, Stewie pulled out a pair of '45s and fired quickly, skillfully placing a bullet into the skull of 3 more zombies. The bodies fell to the ground as he twirled the guns and holstered them. The two then looked out from their vantage point and Brian sighed, telling Stewie "I don't think a fire axe and a pair of guns are gonna hold off 100 zombies."
"No, I didn't think so either. But we had bought Joe and Quagmire just enough time to lock down all of the other entrances, so we'll be safe for a while." Shortly after he said this, Joe and Quagmire joined the two, Quagmire armed with a bloodied baseball bat and a hunting rifle, Joe with his service pistol and a lance. "And they said it was crazy to put a medieval arms store in a mall! Who's crazy now?!" Joe laughed.
"So, how's it look from over there?"
"The good news is that we don't have to worry about the undead coming in from the rear." Joe informed Brian and Stewie, "but the bad news is that they seem to think that this spot is the weakest point, so they're all making their way here."
"So, our options are pretty limited." Quagmire added. "We can either wait it out with the other survivors and hope Joe's backup arrives, or we can make some sort of last stand and die a needlessly heroic and violent death. I dunno about you guys, but I vote we protect the survivors and wait it out."
"Oh ANYTHING to impress the ladies?" Brian snorted.
"Oh come off it you smug bastard, it's not just about the ladies. Especially the hot French redhead who's looking out for her 5 year old nephew. It's about survival and if you can just stop being so judgmental for once, you'd see that!"
"Oh coming from someone who jumped down my throat for that one time in Christmas—"
"I apologized later, didn't I? It was an honest MISTAKE!"
"OH WILL YOU TWO ASSHOLES KNOCK IT OFF?!" Stewie yelled. "Look, Quagmire, you're a sexual deviant, we know that, but you actually have a nice side we can all appreciate, so stop being such a dick to him Brian! The man is capable of reasonable thought not involving boobs and sexual innuendo. And Brian, you have a tendency to look down on people for not having the same 'enlightened' views as you, but you've been the voice of reason to all of us many times so give him some respect Glenn! Now both of you stop acting like you're trying to be the alpha male in this show because if you haven't noticed, there is a an army of the dead out there trying to make their way in here and unlike you, I am focused ON NOT BEING A FUCKING BLUE PLATE SPECIAL!"
The three men stood there, mouths agape, until Quagmire broke the silence. "Ok, THAT I understood."
"You're right kid. We need to think of a plan instead of sniping at each other." Brian rubbed his temple. "Ok, we are in a mall full of various items we can use as makeshift weapons. How can we use them to our advantage?"
Joe and Quagmire quickly scanned the area, until Quagmire pointed out "Hey, there was a sale on propane tanks and propane accessories this week!"
"And there just happens to be a very handy catapult on sale as well." Joe replied, smiling as the realization of that they could do dawned on him. "I say we have an impromptu barbeque! Quagmire, go and get the others, I have a plan."
"Is it very destructive?" Brian asked.
"Damn straight it is!"
"That's all I need to hear!" As the three of them ran off to the pper area, Brian turned to Stewie and said "Thanks for the pep talk."
"Yes, amazing how far the word 'fuck' can get people these days!"
"Wow, the school has REALLY gone to Hell since the last time I was here!" Peter whistled as the car pulled up to the front of James Woods High. The state of the school facility right now was anything but remotely close to stable; as Meg scanned the area shoe took note of all of the broken in windows, flames that erupted from certain rooms and twisted wrecks of what was once cars. Various school furniture had been tossed out and left in broken heaps on the grass lawn, as they were most likely used in desperate bids to escape. Some corpses dotted the landscape., many missing limbs or internal organs. But what was most disturbing to Meg at the moment was the fact that there was nothing but an eerie silence, no signs of anything remotely alive within the vicinity. "I don't like this. I don't like this at all." Meg cautiously warned the rest.
"I agree," nodded Lois, “ there's no way it can stay this quiet for long."
"Now now, hold on a minute," Peter chimed in, "this isn't like a stereotypical horror movie. Maybe all the survivors escaped and the school and the zombies got bored and went to some other hotspot like a police station or a mall or something. Just because there's a strange almost foreboding lack of sound doesn't mean that we're in any—no wait, I'm wrong."
Peter pointed to the entrance, which burst open, the heavy wooden doors shattering into pieces as from the depths within lurched out a legion of the damned, blood drenched and hands outstretched as if they were, by instinct alone, lunging for their throats. Some poured out from the windows of the school, others emerged from underneath the wrecks of the cars or from conveniently placed sewer grates and basement doors. "There must be over a hundred of them!" Chris shouted in a panicked tone. "What do we do?"
"What we do best, son: make a bad situation worse!" Peter proclaimed.
"You might want to word that better." Shaun advised.
"Yeah, I'm not really comfortable with that as a battle cry." Chris added. "Ok ok, fine. How about 'They crave brains, we'll feed them DEATH!', does everyone feel that's better?" Peter asked.
"Oh yes, quite!" Shaun said. Everyone else nodded enthusiastically as Meg raised one of her Jericho pistols. In her other hand iPod.
"Oh come on, like you're the only one who didn't have a zombie killing playlist!" Meg laughed.
"Fair enough." The screeching high strings of Grave 45's "Party Time (Zombie Version)" pierced the air as the Wholesale Zombie Massacre began. Now, before I detail the fight in question, there is something I have to admit: I don't do zombie fics well. Seriously. I seem to have trouble writing a good zombie story and, I'll be honest, I don't know why. They're good excuses for mindless, over the top violence and action and I should be able to nail it. But the last time I tried it, I was less than impressed with the results. So, this is probably my last time I will attempt a kick ass zombie story so if I'm gonna do it, it'll have to be as kick ass as fucking possible. And let's face it right now you're probably rolling your eyes and saying "JUST GET ON WITH IT!", so here you go.
Quickly sliding her iPod back onto her pants belt, Meg quickly drew her 2nd Jericho out from its holster and opened fire. Six bullets found their mark as they entered and exited the skulls of a few of her attackers. Another one lunged for her but she was too quick for the beast: Meg sidestepped the revenant and kicked it in the small of the back forcibly, sending it to the ground. The undead fiend would not rise again as Shaun had brought down the full weight of his cricket bat upon the cranium, reducing it to a meaty pulp. As a trio collectively lurched for him, Shaun raised his M-16 and fired 3 quick shots into their knees, immobilizing them long enough for Meg to line up her shot and fire from the side, sending a single bullet through all three heads. Chris, in the meantime, made good use of his baseball bat's durability and lethal potential; he swung hard and smacked the head of one zombie clean off its shoulders. As it flew high and the other zombies looked up, Chris raised the Ithaca and fired into the crowd, ripping apart their bodies and shredding their flesh before the head landed on the ground. Another zombie attacked from the rear, but it was for naught; it soon found the business end of Chris's Desert Eagle in its mouth. The middle child smiled as he shifted the zombie's body and pulled the trigger. The head was instantly reduced to jelly as the bullet took down another zombie behind it. Peter and Lois were having an equally satisfying time racking up their own kills; Peter managed to behead five zombies in a row as he swung his machete with the power and veracity that could be matched only by a certain hockey masked wearing resident of Crystal Lake. As a pair ran up to him, he raised his Benelli and fired, blasting the two of them apart before running towards another and jumping, using his machete to literally spilt it in half in one swift,, albeit blood soaked, swoop. Lois herself waited until at least five of them were lined up before she fired a shot at them, removing limbs in the process. As they staggered back, she cartwheeled towards them and in a very precise manner, used the Bowie knife to behead five of them in one go. As a shower of blood rained down, she raised her firearm and fired rapidly, splattering brains and sending fragments of teeth and skull everywhere she deemed fit. Meg, in the meantime, worked in tandem with her father, who crouched down and allowed his eldest daughter to leap of of him and towards a small crowd of zombies, guns drawn. She fired with precision and lethal accuracy, raining bullets down upon her targets. Shaun and Chris also managed to do well as a pair, with Chris grabbing one of Shaun's arms and swinging him around in a arc, while letting him use his other outstretched arm to smash the cricket bat into the heads of their would be killers.
Eventually, the group finished their work, leaving behind a schoolyard littered with corpses, limb and excessive amounts of blood pools. As they approached the entrance to the high school, Peter noted "I gotta say, this has been a pretty nice family outing. I mean we got to meet Meg's new beau, we did something constructive as a group, we contributed to the community. Our therapist would be pretty proud of us right now."
"I agree." Meg nodded. "We've made a lot of progress since the last time he had a group session. And we did it at school too."
"It pretty much kicked his idea of punching out drunken whores in it's ass," Lois chimed in "but, uh, for the record, let's pretend that the ones I tossed into the wharf never happened, ok?"
"And we at least survived longer than most other horror story families." Chris pointed out. "This is usually the part where a surprise attack comes and one of us gets infected."
"Uh, honey, don't jinx it!" Lois reminded Chris. "If anything I've learned from browsing TV Tropes it's that when a lampshade like that is hung, that's when something completely stupid happens to one of us and—"
Sadly, Lois' prediction and need to browse one of the most interesting pop culture web sites came all too true; The door to James Woods High suddenly had a couple of zombies pop out, one male and one female, and the male zombie managed to grab Peter's left arm. Before he could make a move, the zombie bit down hard on his limb, sending out a spurt of blood all over his shirt sleeve.
"GAAHH! MY ARM!" Peter cried out in pain.
"OH MY GOD, PETER!"
"That hurt you bastard! LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT!" Peter, enraged naturally, then grasped the zombie's wrist and bit down on it with the force of a lion making it's kill. As the blood came forth from it's wound, to the surprise of everyone, the male zombie screamed out in pain and said "OWW Hey man, what the hell's your problem?!"
"That was my husband you bastard!" the female zombie yelled. She lunged to bite at Peter's right arm, but at the last second, Lois pushed him away and instead received her own bite wound. "Oh, you BITCH! Is that how you wanna play? Let me show you my vampire impersonation then!" Lois then grasped the female zombie and proceeded to bite down on the side of her neck as Peter and the male zombie looked on.
"Uh, I dunno if I should be turned on or repulsed now." Shaun said to Meg.
"Yeah this is getting weird." the male zombie said. "Ok, everybody calm down, let's just stop letting our emotions get in the way here." Lois and the female zombie were separated from one another as a couple more zombies joined them, one dressed as a janitor and another as a food server. "Look, I'm sorry about biting you, but I kind of was going through the motions, what with now being a member of the undead and all."
"Yeah, I understand, but look man, it hurts like hell to get bit, how did you expect me to react."
"True, true. Being on the other end now, it would seem reasonable for you to be mad."
"We're all new at this you know, so we're kinda just aping how we saw it in other monster movies." The female zombie sighed. "Truth be told, I don't even WANT to eat brains or anything like that, but there's that nagging little voice that just keeps on saying 'eat brains' and it gets to you!"
"You hear that too?" the janitor asked. "Oh thank God, I thought I was going crazy there for a second."
"So, NONE of you want to kill us and devour our flesh?" Lois asked.
"Nah, not us, I mean, if we concentrate and keep the Deadite portion out, we can stay relatively normal." The janitor zombie explained, "but as you can see there are those who couldn't handle being undead and succumbed way too quickly."
"Yeah, uh did you guys do all that?" the food server asked as he looked out over the area. "WOW. I thought Dead Alive was gory but holy smokes!"
"My family has a lot of pent up aggression issues." Meg explained. "So, what about my mom and dad, are they…"
"Infected? Oh hell yeah." The janitor zombie confirmed, "so you have a couple of choices. You can kill them right now to stop the infection—"
"Ok." Meg raised her guns and aimed them at their heads as Peter said "Whoa, whoa, wait a second there are TWO choices Anne Oakley! What's our other option?"
"Knowing my horror movie lore, it's gotta be destroy whatever is making zombies." Chris suggested. "Yeah, pretty much that" the male zombie agreed. "That Joyce Kinney has the Necronomicron so I wager if you destroy that just maybe you can reverse the effects."
"Sounds like a plan." Meg smiled as she grabbed her mother's Bowie knife. "Mom, is it cool if I go in and destroy the Necronomicron and kill your arch enemy?"
"Sure hon, we'll just wait out here. And make sure you bring her head back for me." As Meg, Shaun and Chris wandered into the depths of James Woods High, Lois looked at the female zombie and said "So…zombie sex…"
"All right, this should do it!" Quagmire said, as he adjusted the proper settings on the catapult. As he looked ahead, he saw Brian scouting the area below, seeing the gathering crowd of zombies below. "How's it look down there?"
"Offhand, I wish we had a howitzer at this point." Brian summed up. "This better work."
"Hey, if it doesn't we do have a plan b." Quagmire reminded him.
"You'll forgive me if my faith in that one is a little iffy. Look, Glenn, about earlier…"
"No no, Stewie was right we were both being assholes to one another. We both have some faults of our own and I shouldn't be the one who has to take a holier than thou attitude, I'm supposed to be the wacky sexaholic guy with an odd sense of humor."
"In retrospect, you do say a lot of creepy things. But I guess I'm no better."
"I've been meaning to talk to you about that, man. You were a pretty cool cat, pun intended, a few years ago. You had that dry wit about you, you were the voice of reason to all of Peter's stupidity, you had an open mind to everything in life. What happened to make you change like that."
Brian sighed as he pulled out a cigarette. "You wanna know the truth? I started hanging out with these other people on the side a while ago when we were 'on the down low' so to speak. They were REALLY opinionated too, always going on about how bad Republicans are, how anyone who believes in religion can't be bothered to form intelligent thoughts or be taken seriously. After a while I just started picking up on some of their ideas and parroting them too." As he took a long drag, Quagmire shook his head and said "Sounds like these people just only liked you because they got you to repeat everything they had said."
"It does, doesn't it? You know what really made me realize how far I fallen? When I used Meg's looks to disprove God. What kind of dumbass move was that?! Really, Meg has it bad enough with most of the people in this town, what I did was worse than kicking an invalid when they're down."
"Weird, isn't it? Despite all the crap we have pulled and all the insanity his town seems to throw at us, Meg's the one thing that seems to redeem us."
"It is weird…and I can't believe you waited until she was 18 to try something with her."
"Strictly speaking you did make out with her at the prom."
"Good point. Ok, let's get ready." Brian checked on the propane tanks as Quagmire said
"You think this will work?"
"It better, otherwise Strickland Propane will be hearing from me! LET 'ER RIP!"
Quagmire gave the thumbs up and pulled hard on the lever, watching as the propane tanks that were gathered were launched high into the sky, hovering almost in mid-flight before falling flat to the ground. As a couple of them landed on top of a couple of zombies and crushed them, Brian reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the flare gun. Aiming it towards the center of the crowd, he narrowed his eyes and muttered flatly "How do you like your ribs?"
"You got that from Action Jackson?"
"Yes. Yes I did."
With a steady pull of the trigger, Brian released a single red flare into the middle of the propane tanks. A even brighter flash of red lit the dark skies up as the tanks exploded, showering the area with burning limbs and scorched flesh. The two of them looked down and surveyed the area as Quagmire stated "Wow, I guess Mythbusters had it half right. Did we get them all?"
"Almost. I see at least 10 more of them still walking about. So, does this mean—"
"Plan B." Quagmire raised a transceiver to his ear. "Ok Joe, we've got at least 10 stragglers. Time to make some noise. Giggity." As he dropped the transceiver, Glen tossed down a repelling cable along with Brian and pulled out a golf club while Brian held up his trusty battle axe. "What's say we all have a dry martini after this is all over?" Brian suggested.
"Throw in an Asian stewardess and it's a deal!"
Suddenly, from out of the mall raced out Joe and Stewie: On either side of Joe's wheelchair was a pair of chainsaws while on top on his shoulders was Stewie. "I'M JUDGE JURY AND EXECUTIONER TODAY YOU BRAIN EATING HEATHENS!" Joe screamed at the top of his lungs.
"WHAT HE SAID!" Stewie added.
What followed next was a simple set of violent acts; as Joe raced through the first five zombies, his chainsaws tore through them, shredding flesh and bone and separating limbs from their respective bodies. Stewie in the meantime finished off the remainder of the zombies with a few well-placed gunshots, taking heads off left and right. As the last zombie fell and Joe stopped moving, they were quickly joined by Brian and Quagmire, with weapons ready. "So…what now?" Brian asked.
"If there are anymore of these things, we can more than take them!" Joe grinned as he adjusted his chainsaws. "I doubt there are anymore surprised left for us!"
And that's when it appeared; out of the smoke from the flaming remains of the propane tanks walked a huge hulking mass of pure concentrated undead evil- it stood at least 8 feet tall and had eyes that burned red with the fires of hell. The muscles bulged, purple veins pulsing throughout the body and its mouth had a row of long, dagger like teeth. In it's hands were a huge club made seemingly of collected bones, femurs and ribs to the observant. It bellowed in rage as it slowly approached the 4 with a glare unlike that of—
"Oh screw this!"
Stewie raised the arm cannon on his arm and aimed at the monster's head. Seconds later, a orange colored pod was fired out and embedded into the beast's head via a trio of sharp claws. This did not make sense to the others but moments later, the reasons became clear as the pod exploded, taking the beast's head with it. As the body fell limp, Stewie said "Looks like attention to details did pay off!"
"I hate to say it, but I rather prefer it when the zombies are out and about," Shaun said to Meg as they walked the halls with Chris carefully. "I mean, at least we know when the attack's coming."
"Me too," Meg agreed, "but we'll have to be extra cautious. If Joyce is still in the gymnasium, she may be expecting us. Still, I think we should at least find out where the others are."
"Maybe they're hiding in one of the closets." Chris suggested. "I'm hearing all sorts of weird sounds coming from that one."
Meg and Shaun looked at each other. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Depends. I was thinking of having an apple Danish and some lemon tea right now. Does your idea involve opening that door? Because if it does I have to say I rather we do my idea."
Carefully, Meg placed one hand on the door knob while Chris and Shaun held up their respective weapons to their sides. With one fluid motion, Meg pulled the door open to see the following; Velma Dinkley and Marcy 'Hot Dog Water' Fleach, in the middle of a passionate embrace, kissing. Marcy had halfway pulled off Velma's sweater when the former noticed the three standing their, mouths agape. "Uh, do you mind?" Velma asked.
"If it's not one thing it's another." Marcy sighed as she pulled the door shut. An audible click signaled that the door was now locked as Shaun blinked and said "Well, that answers THAT."
"And now I'm out 10 bucks." Chris said as he handed money over to Meg. The shuffling of feet could be heard as Shaun said "There's someone over in that room."
The door across from them slowly opened and making his way out was the Techie, a lead pipe in hand. He turned to see Meg and the others and sighed "Ok, it's just you. For a second there I was worried I'd have to kill another crazed Jehovah's Witness. Those guys REALLY lost it today." Turning to the inside, he shouted "We're ok now, it's Meg and Shaun!" He then motioned for them to go inside, saying to them "you guys may wanna see this."
Following the Techie inside, Meg and the others were treated to a rather interesting sight; in the classroom along with them was Molly who had a pickaxe in hand, the Future Manwhore who was shirtless and wielding a hockey stick with dried blood and sitting in a corner, knees pressed up against her chest, was Connie. Her eyes looked almost empty as she rocked back and forth, shivering slightly. "I take it you guys had a pretty rough tome." Meg concluded.
"More or less," Molly recalled "I mean it's not every day that you have to kill your former friends who try to eat your brains but you have to learn to adapt in a emergency."
"Uh, you seemed to be rather eager about killing your former friends. Really, REALLY eager." The Future Manwhore pointed out. "Well, can you blame me? They were trying to get their hands on your hot ass!" Molly shouted. The Techie pointed to Connie and said "She hasn't exactly been a source of inspiration for hope given her current lack of coherent sanity. So, if anyone wants to try to get her back to reality, be my guest."
"I'll try to see what I can do." As Meg approached Connie, Chris asked the Techie "How'd you manage to survive this long anyway?"
"It helps if not only I'm a background character, I also watched every good and bad zombie movie in the past 30 years. Also, I'm black so that means I gotta be doubly cautious or—"
Turning around quickly, he shot a zombie coming in through the window with a crossbow bolt, killing it dead in it's tracks.
"Shit like that happens."
Meg approached Connie, a sense of odd wonder overtaking her. Here she was, her primary tormentor for much of her academic life, seemingly reduced to a frightened shell. Meg wondered if she should have some feeling of either remorse or joy for Connie's apparent misery. For the moment, she decided to see just where Connie's mind was. "Hey Connie..so quite a day, isn't it?"
Connie looked up at Meg. Immediately, a look of scorn crossed her face as she spat out "Oh, it's YOU. I figured you'd show up, with all the freaks that come out at night!"
"Ok, I guess she's fine." Meg deadpanned. Connie rose to her feet and continued. "Well, this is just great! I suppose I should feel GRATEFUL you came in to save the day, but I suppose I should feel grateful to anyone that picks up crap after their dog."
"Uh, has she been always like this?" Shaun asked Chris. "Eight seasons and beyond." Chris nodded.
Meg rolled her eyes as Connie continued her ill advised tirade "Look at you, all dressed up and no one to kill. I suppose if we're gonna kill monsters, we may as well send a monster out to do it. Oh hey, how about—"
"If I could interject for a second, may I make a suggestion?" The Techie asked. Meg, without missing a beat, grabbed Connie by the collar and broadly smacked her across the face, yelling "SNAP OUT OF IT, BITCH!"
"Yeah, that was what I was going to suggest." As Meg continued to shake Connie, she was pulled away by Chris, who told her sister "No no, you gotta do it like this." Chris then proceeded to pimp slap Connie across the jaw while screaming "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF WOMAN!" Chris was immediately stopped by Shaun who said "No you have to take a firm approach." He then grabbed Connie by the shoulders and shook her violently while yelling "KEEP IT TOGETHER, WOMAN!" then Gibbs-slapped her across the head. Molly then shoved Chris aside and said "Ok, ok CLEARLY thus requires a woman's touch!" She then grabbed Connie by the throat and screamed "STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH!" and roughly slapped her twice across the face."
"I think we can stop now." The Future Manwhore said. "Otherwise, we'll be spending an inappropriate amount of time ripping off more gags from priceless comedy movies."
"Yeah, he's right." Meg observed. "Look, Connie, no one's going to blame you for what happened tonight, as far as I have heard, Joyce is responsible for all of this. But what you're doing now? It's NOT HELPING. I've been putting up with your crap all of our school lives and I can't wrap my head behind why you've done this! Seriously, all I ever wanted to do was be your friend, and you've done nothing but be the cruelest bitch since Imelda Marcos! What could I POSSIBLY have done to warrant any of this, especially in a time when I came here of my own free will to save your ass?"
Connie's gaze was on fixated on the ground now. Suddenly, a couple of tears dropped onto the ground below. "Ok..that's new." Chris remarked. "Usually, it's one of us who brings her to tears, but violence is usually involved."
"Look…I—I'm jealous of you, ok?"
"JEALOUS. People have been absolutely horrid to you these last few years, you know? You're an average girl, but no matter what happens, no matter how much people seem to insult you or tear you down you find a way to face it, and you just keep pressing on. You have great grades, honors up the wazoo and me? I have to keep on living this mask of the 'popular girl' the one every guy wants to have in a three way with their girlfriend. If I even show one ounce of frailty I get dropped, so I have to be this monster with blonde hair! And look at what it's gotten me, half the time I get humiliated and the other half I spend with people who don't even know what the fuck shawarma is! It's a food item not a scarf! And then I see you and you find ways to deal with this and you so damn beautiful on the inside ad even managed to get yourself a nice boyfriend and—oh FUCK IT!"
And with that said, Connie grabbed Meg's shoulders and fiercely kissed her on the lips, shocking just about every person in the room. "Damn. Well that probably would explain all those times she asked me to tape Meg in the locker room." The Techie said to himself.
"Hey Quagmire, what's wrong?"
"I sense a great disturbance in The Mojo. As if something that should have happened years ago has just occurred and we're missing out on it. Let's get the rest of the survivors out of here, Joe."
The kiss continued for several minutes until Shaun coughed and asked "Uh, excuse me, Connie? I am fairly sure that Meg's not the type of girl to 'share' if you catch my drift."
"I don't mind actually." Meg replied.
Shaun's jaw dropped. "Well…this is an interesting twist. A VERY welcome twist I may add—"
"Look, may I point out something? We still have the matter of Joyce who, I wish to point out, has a serious desire to kill all of us." The Manwhore pointed out.
"He's right. Look guys, wait here. I'll deal with Joyce myself." Meg cracked her knuckles and gripped the scabbard of her katana as she turned to leave. Before doing so, she felt a light sting as Connie playfully slapped her buttocks saying "Don't take long…killer."
"Trust me, I won't." Meg winked.
"Uh, is this the best night ever or WHAT?" the Techie said.
The gynasium was dimly lit by small flames as Meg pushed the doors open. Inside, sitting at the center, Necronomicron in hand, was Joyce, a twisted smile plastered on her face. The elder woman looked upon Meg and observed "I see that the zombies gave you a bit of a workout."
"Oh, I would say it was more of a casual stretch if anything," Meg replied nonchalantly "but we're getting off base here. This was never about just revenge, was it?"
"No, more than just revenge." Joyce nodded in agreement. "Simply put, I grew sick of this town a long time age. So many stupid heartless people and so many ways they got away with utter insanity. Herbert the old pedophile, Carter Pewterschimdt the billionaire who probably could buy his way out of a murder trial, that Giant Chicken who always picks a fight with your dad over a stupid coupon. Oh, but the worst of it is your entire family! How much have they gotten away with?"
"Offhand, at least 5 instances of capital crimes I know of." Meg answered.
"Exactly. I figure if I was going to take down your bitch mother, I may as well do humanity a favor and destroy this town while I'm at it. I wanted you to take the blame; no one would doubt it as we all know you're just a broken bird who puts up with all sorts of emotional and verbal abuse from Lois. But then again, I figured why not recruit you? Let's face it your mom is dead girl walking, so to speak. I can help mend all of that pain she inflicted on you."
"So…essentially this is just about you not being happy my mother wasn't humiliated as much as you wanted her to be then? Yeah, can I point something out to you? My mom was a bitch to you for 4 years. I had to put up with her for 18. I CAN COPE WITH IT."
"Hmm, too bad. I guess we'll do this the Saturday Morning Cartoon way. Get her, my minions!" Meg then found herself surrounded by a few zombies who walked from the shadows towards her. "Like them? These are a special breed of Deadite I had conjured up. They can walk just as fine as anyone else and—"
If they had any other abilities, they had yet to be revealed as Meg quickly drew her Jerichos and fired, taking them down. As they dropped to the floor, Meg casually ejected the clips from her firearms and continued to stare a hole in her. "You were saying?"
"I count two empty guns, bitch."
"I count one automatic rifle, motherfucker!" Meg retorted, pulling out her MP5SFK and firing behind her, mowing down the other zombies that tried to attack her from the rear. Seconds later, she dropped her weapon to the ground, grabbed the hilt of her sword and quickly drew it, blocking the swift slash that came from Joyce's small sword, which emitted a eerie green light. Joyce, with the Necronomicron in her other hand, said "By the way, this book also grants me some amazing powers too. Allow me to demonstrate!"
And with that, their sword fight began. Meg left backwards to avoid the next swing from Joyce's sword which literally lit the air on fire. Maintaining a tight defensive stance, Meg did her best to parry and block the assorted stabs and swings that Joyce committed herself to launching at her. Joyce seemingly enjoyed the moment, as she attacked with near reckless abandon, but with the precision of a seasoned warrior. At one point, Joyce swung the sword down and slammed it into the ground, causing the ground to shake and sending a wave of bright flames at Meg. Leaping to the side, Meg barely dodged the rapid slash aimed at her chest, but wincing in pain as the sword cut at her side. "Ohh, did I give you a little boo boo?" Joyce mockingly laughed.
"I have to admit that was a good hit. I should return the favor!"
Meg then raised her sword high and before Joyce knew it, went on her own offensive; Meg's speed seemingly doubled as she came at her with swift and precisely measured swings of her own, forcing the older woman to take an defensive stance. Meg mixed up her attacks, going for feints and, oddly enough, attacks with her scabbard as well. As Joyce back flipped to avoid a wide swing, Meg saw her opportunity; she grabbed her mother's Bowie knife and tossed it quickly. The knife found it's mark, as it was embedded deep into Joyce's abdomen. Violently coughing up blood, Joyce dropped to her knees as she looked up at Meg, who held the katana high. "Da—damn…killed by the least popular of Lois' children…what a fucking way to go…" she rasped out, blood trickling from her wound and jaws."
"You know I made a promise to my mom. And although she hasn't been the greatest mom as of late, I can at least grant her one small request." And these words were the last thing that Joyce would hear as Meg swung her blade, taking Joyce's head clean off her shoulders. Meg would swing one more time, slicing the Necronomicron in half as it fell to the ground. The ground violently lurched before settling down a few seconds later. As moonlight streamed into the auditorium upon Meg and the now headless Joyce, she sighed and said "Well, I hope that was the last of the surprises for tonight."
The wall behind her exploded as an ATV burst into the room. A side door opened and from it burst forth Roberta Brown, armed with a double barrel shotgun. "Ok bitch, IT'S GO TIME!" Seconds later, the glass canopy overhead shattered into pieces and Hailey Smith, armed with an MP5, repelled down. "This is for Langley Falls!" she bellowed before looking around and asking "Uh, what happened?"
"Sorry guys. I kinda killed Joyce already." Meg informed them.
"Aw man. I killed over 200 of these bastards before we got here!" Roberta moaned. "You have any idea the crap I had to go through to even make a cameo in this?"
"200? Please I mowed down over 300 with a Blackhawk!" Hailey boasted. "Suck on THAT Macfarlane! So how did you guys do anyway?"
"Well, my adopted brother's kind of dead now, along with most of Stoolbend. You?"
"My dad kind of called a missile strike on our town. Me and my brother, who is an amazing sniper I wanna add, are the only survivors. But man what a night!"
"You two can tell me about it over a cup of coffee." Meg told the two as she collected Joyce's head. By the way, you owe me $20 bucks."
"Let me guess, Marcy." Hailey sighed."
ONE YEAR LATER
"I really appreciate that you guys came to New York to visit me," Meg told Brian, Chris and Stewie, "But I kinda wish you called ahead."
"So do I. I will never unsee what I saw you doing with Shaun and Connie. Does Skittles even condone that sort of use?" Stewie asked.
"Well, us survivors of Quahog need to stick together. Joe and Quagmire send their regards. "Brian told her.
"And we were in town to look at an art academy that wants to hire me." Chris pointed out. "So visiting you was kind of a spur of the moment thing. But WOW. I did not know Shaun and Connie could—"
"Covering my ears now."
"Ät least we fared than Tom Tucker. Whod though his last broadcast involved getting killed by a zombie walrus And Molly marrying the Techie instead of the Manwhore, that was odd."
"To be fair, when she had plastic surgery and he won $200 million in the lotto, things did improve dramatically." Brian pointed out. "Have you heard from your parents?"
"Not much. Ever since the incident and their condition, they have been on the down low…"
"So, how has everything been for you lately Peter?" The therapist asked him as he talked with his patient. Peter, now with pale green skin, had a variety of stiches covering his body. His eyes were now pale gray and listless as he talked. "Well, can't say it hasn't been all bad doc. The government has been quite helpful and offered to replace any fallen limbs with cybernetics. I kinda wish Meg killed Joyce before the zombification had time to spread though. At least out love life's improved, what with our, er, interchangeable parts. And Lois has become quite limber, if you catch my drift."
"Sadly I do. Well, I have to cut this one short. My 12 o clock appointment has come in I don't want to keep him waiting too long." As he said this the door to the office opened and Chris Redfield walked in. "Hey doc, I know this is early but I've got a –ZOMBIE!"
Chris pulled out a shotgun and fired, blasting Peter's head off of his shoulders. As Chris looked down, he asked the therapist "Let me guess, one of the Quahog victims, right?"
Nodding, the therapist stood up and picked Peter's head off the ground. "At this rate, I'll NEVER see my own kids. Get my sewing kit."
"You have no idea how much that stings doc."
(Cut to an old world style den, where I am seated.)
Me: FINALLY, it's done. I am glad you took the time to sit down and read this insanity, because frankly I never thought it'd get done! I sincerely hope you found this as funny as an original pre cancellation episode of the series. But lets face it, anything is now. (An angry Peter appears)
Peter: Well, I hope you're happy, you bastard. You got your 'fanboy revenge' against us, can we let this go?
Me: I'm satisfied-(Homer runs in and swiftly kicks Peter in the groin)—Homer however isn't.
Homer: And THAT was for Seahorse Seashell Party, you abusive prick!
Me: So thanks for reading and as a bonus I present—
Peter: Conway Twitty? (Homer elbow drops him.)
Me: -Yuri fanservice. (A curtain is pulled back to reveal Meg and Connie making out while on the couch next to them are Velma and Marcy, also passionately kissing. Quagmire films the scene while Chizuru Honsho paints on an easel, drool escaping her lips.)
Quagmire: You have no idea how badly I want you to write for our series now.
Chizuru: Best. Fanfic. EVER!