Categories > TV > JAG > It only hurts when I'm breathing

Thinking

by Sayuri 0 Reviews

Mac hears a song in the radio and finds it matches her current mood.

Category: JAG - Rating: PG - Genres: Romance - Characters:  - Warnings: [!!] - Published: 2006/08/04 - Updated: 2006/08/04 - 955 words

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It only hurts when I'm breathin'


Disclaimers:
JAG and its characters belong to DPB, I'm only playing a bit with them.
The song 'It only hurts when I'm breathing' belongs to Shania Twain.

Spoilers:
Everything up to Paraguay, this is set directly after the end of 'Shifting Sands' (is that really the name of the episode after 'A tangled Webb Part 2'? I don't know)
Summary:
Mac hears a song in the radio and find it matches her current mood. Most parts are Mac's POV. ,

A/N:
,Sorry for any mistakes in the story, but I haven't seen 'Tangled Webb' and 'Shifting Sands' yet. In Germany, the tenth season has just begun and the ninth season will be repeated for the first time in a few days. Feedback, please!!!


8:43pm EST
Mac's apartment;
Georgetown, Washington D.C.
After returning from the hospital


'I can't believe he joined the CIA! How could he? Wasn't it enough for him to see what Clay has been through in all his years there? I didn't hear it right, I guess. That cannot be real...
But, hell, with my good luck in the past few weeks it has to be real. I don't understand what got into him. Wouldn't be surprising if he has totally lost his mind.
Everything just because I had to go after the Gunny. If I hadn't been so stupid, Harm would still be at J.A.G.! I would have come back after a while and everything would have returned to normal.
How will I ever be able to work at J.A.G. like before this assignment without Harm? Without his jokes and his smile. Without our teasing and our courtroom battles. Without feeling his presence and having his shoulder to lean on.
Of course, our relationship wasn't entirely that good the past months, but we could have worked it out.
If he dies on a mission with his new colleagues no one would ever tell me why. I would never get to know if he was really dead or if he faked. The chances of getting seriously hurt are also so much higher than as a lawyer.
But how could I change something about that? We once were friends but after my reaction to his actions in Paraguay, we're not even that.
Someone who said a relationship between us could never work cannot expect anything. I guess that's why he didn't tell me.'


She turned on the radio, wanting to find a station with nice songs about how good life is. At first it seemed like she had succeeded- songs often played on Parties made her feel less miserable.
Then a voice told the listeners the next one would be one of Shania Twain.
She thought this would also be cheerful, but it happened to be a sad ballad.


'That's not what I need, this can only be something 'bout lovesickness and so on. But why don't I listen a bit? I'm already feeling miserable again, this song can't make it worse.'


Hope life's being good to you
Since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now- I've finally moved on
It's not so bad- I'm not that sad


She gasped. This song must had been written for her and Harm. This was exactly what she had told everyone. Inside of her everything looked different.


I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, I feel so alive
I can't complain- I'm free again


This words really suited her relationship to every man of her past- except Harm, even if everybody thought she was glad he went away.


And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So I hold my breath- to forget


This was it. Her best hidden feelings, just sung by someone in the radio. The song named it. Only in the night, when she laid alone in her too big bed she thought about him. But then it was worse than anyone could imagine. Everything she had ever wanted was gone with him.


Don't think I'm lyin' around cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really alright
I've never looked back- as a matter of fact


'At least I didn't tell 'ya. Of course I'm crying myself into sleeping every night. Saying I'm alright is my best weapon. Funny, if anyone thinks I'm not looking back- If they're believing it I've to be a good actress.'



And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So I hold my breath- to forget

It only hurts when I breath

No, I've never looked back- as a matter of fact.

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So I hold my breath- to forget

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breath


The last notes of the song faded- Mac had sung along with the words from the second Chorus until the end. Now tears were slipping down her face, falling onto the sofa.

'Will we ever be able to get it right? If I could talk to him in private - if he was here now- maybe I'd have the strength to set it right, but if...'

As she heard the knock on her door, she quickly wiped her tears away and rose to her feet.
As she looked through the peephole, her breath stopped for a moment.
There was it...
Her chance to get everything alright, maybe this time they would make it...



The End
(but to be continued)
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