This is going to be interesting ...white pills and troubled minds.
“I’m worried Jet.” Kobra bluntly tells me in a hush tone so the others in front can’t hear our conversation. We packed up camp and started walking not long after Ghoul and I got back. Kobra’s eyes are wide and scared as he searches for answers in me. I know what he wants me to say but I can’t lie to him. I can’t say ‘he’s fine’ because he’s not…none of us are really, and Kobra knows it. Stubborn strands of his blond fringe sway in front of his sunburned face with each step we take.
I look ahead to the red head topic of our conversation, he’s been quiet and giving me the cold shoulder all day, I kinda though we were over our fight and moving on but his behaviour suggest otherwise. I wish I could just understand what’s going on in his head, but I’m no mind reader. Ghoul is following close beside the older, carrying way too much weight for his size but refused to let go. Dam fools is going to over exhorts himself. It’s like he’s trying to prove himself, but he doesn’t need to.
“I’m thinking we should all sit down and really talk.” I finally answer Kobra as we trudge under the hot California sun side by side. Our group needs to work things out and we can’t do it in this heat with the threat of Dracs on our backs. Once we find a safe place and relaxe a bit we must discuss our troubles and open up to each other or we will surly break apart.
“Maybe even get Dr D to sit in.” I pant as I wipe away salty sweat that has been building up above my eyebrows from the heat of the sizzling sun. Kobra just nods his head in silent agreement and continues to march on looking straight ahead.
“do you really think it’s that bad? I mean to have Dr D involved.” he asks sadly, avoiding any eye contact because I know he doesn’t really want to hear the answer.
“Right now it seems like only you and I are the stable ones…so yeah.” I say shrugging a shoulder sympathetically. We both know involving Dr D means it’s serious. Kobra frowns to himself and just bows his head, keeping quiet. He knows I’m right and it hurts to think we’re losing our best friends, him a brother too. He’s so worried for his brother and Ghoul it’s just radiating off of him in waves. Poor kid needs to stop worrying he’ll give himself a headache, especially in this heat. I sigh inwardly and look around the plain empty desert, we have been walking for hours now but Ghoul refuses to stop and Party won’t even listen to us. Those two are on a mission. I take a deep dry breath in and decide it's time to speak up.
“Guys we need to stop. We need to-”
“YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND STOP COMPLAINING IS WHAT WE NEED!” Party spins around and barks at me like a guard dog. Kobra and I stand still and just stare in shock… we were not expecting that reaction. Ghoul drops a bag and steps in front of Party placing a hand on his chest to stop him from coming at me. There is just a moment of those two staring at each other in a mute argument. I glance at Kobra to check if he’s okay. He’s so confused, we both are. Where is the Party we know? Where did he go?
“Pull yourself together.” I growl under my breath as I stare up into the drunks cold, stale eyes. His breath is a putrid stench as he pants from walking in the heat. I feel his heart beating abnormally hard against my open palm like it’s attempting to break free from its fleshy cage and fly away. He looks just about ready to swing his closed fist at me. As soon as Jet started speaking I seen Party tense and hunched his shoulders. He spun around yelling and I drop the bag I was carrying in my arms to use my body as a human barricade. I will not let him hurt the others.
“Go on… hit me. It’s not like you haven’t before.” I provoke him as I stand my ground. I’d prefer he hit me again than hit Jet because I’m already damaged goods.
“Jet is only thinking for the better of the group. What are you doing? Do you wanna watch your own brother die from dehydration?” I hiss at Party and watch as his eyes shift from me to glance at Kobra. Poor guy's bright red in the face like a tomato and dripping in his own sweat as he pants silently standing in the sun next to Jet. Party looks back at me and we stare at each other as a hot delicate breeze floats by our forms. Why is he acting this way? I want the old party back. It breaks my heart to see him like this. Party backs down first whacking my hand off his chest defensively and stomps forward towards a few rocks. He ruffles Kobra’s sweat drenched hair and they sit down together to drink. I sigh and watch him closely. Jet keeps his distance but also sits down and pulls out a water bottle to drink from as I find a place beside him.
Party put his hand into his pocket and pulls something out without the others seeing. He pops it into his mouth secretly then drinks from his bottle. What did he just take? Holy fuck…he’s on drugs. No don’t jump to conclusions Ghoul. I shift my body and drink from my own container of water. I need to confront him about this later when the others are not around in case I set him off. Last thing I wanna do is start another fight.
I fucking knew Ghoul would protect Jet. Stupid prick! Ghouls mine! Mine! I will not let Jet have him, NEVER.
I scowl at the ground as the sand in my boots grind into my skin. The dust and light stings my eyes as I look to the horizon. After we began walking again the pills finally started kicking in and everything became a little fuzzy but it relaxes me. My skin feels hyper sensitive and I can feel every drop of sweat on my body and every grain of sand hiding in my hair.
I remained ahead of the pack with Ghoul following my footsteps while Kobra and Jet hanged back talking to each other. I strain to hear their conversation but my hearing is not as sharp as it used to be. It wouldn’t surprise me if Jet was trying to turn my own brother against me…Fuck! I stand still and turn around suddenly kicking up dirt and startling the two at the back. Ghoul just lifts his head to watch me closely, unfazed by my sudden movement, slight confusion written across his harden face but other than that it's just a cold hard stare. Even with his expression he’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. His black shoulder length hair covering part of his face but his eyes still shine through. Even tho they are coated in depression and fear they seem so innocent and strong. I wanna kiss him but I don’t think he would let me so instead I look over at Kobra and motion with my arm for him to join me at the front of the line.
“Come walk with me.” I half smile as he leaves Jet behind and walks to my side without any questions asked. Jet looks confused but says nothing. Ghoul bows his head again as I turn back around and we all set off once more. Kobra watches me as we walk, probably wondering why I called him over.
“I only want what’s best for you.” I softly speak so only him and I can hear our words. He nod but says nothing.
“You’re my baby brother and I love to bits, I need to know you’ve got my back.” I look straight ahead as the sun reflects off the sandy dirt.
“I’ll always have your back, you know that.” He speaks quickly like he’d done something wrong. I half smile and lazily sling one arm over his shoulder to give him a side hug. He clams down and wraps one arm around my waist to complete the hug. Jet could never brain wash him as easily as he did Ghoul. I quickly kiss above Kobra’s temple then release him from my arm as it's way too hot to stick together.
“Love you little bro.” I say as we continue to march to our destination.
“Love ya too.” He attempts a smile but I know he’s worried. The rest of the walk is pretty quiet.
It’s been a long day but we finally stop running for today and settle down to rest for the night. I ate what was given out but luckily for me we had to use one of the cans because nothing was caught in our traps. Over dinner I watched Party closely. Half the time he was spaced out and off in his own world, he would just be staring into the yellow flickering flames of the fire, watching the smoke rise and disappear. If he was conscious enough he would glare at Jet like he stole the last cookie from the jar. Jet either didn’t notice or was ignoring him.
Every so often he pops a pill or two past his dry lips from his pocket when he thinks no one is watching, but I was watching. How long has he been doing this to himself? Jet and Kobra have called it in for the night, tucked up under their own blankets that desperately needed a wash after weeks on end of rolling around on the dirt. I look over a Kobra as he stirred in his sleep.
I’d also notice that Party seems to be becoming highly protective of Kobra and trying to keep him away from Jet all day. I don’t know why suddenly Jet is the enemy but I have a feeling it’s the drugs fault. Twisting his mind into believing lies and convincing him to drink and pop the pills that are poising his body and tainting his blood.
I watch him now as he sits across the fire staring into the heat as the others softly snore in their slumber, today was a hot one and they would be sleeping deeply for a while. I try not to but still I wonder what it feels like, if the pills make things seem better. If those little round tablets could make the pain and stress go away for just an hour or two. No Ghoul. I need to not think like that. But God dam this curious side of me. Those pills would have to be something good to have Party hooked on them like a fish on a line.
I shake my head violently, dust shaking out of my unwashed hair, trying to forget my thoughts of experimenting with drugs. Sure when I was younger I’d smoke some weed but these pills would have to be produced by BL/inds and anything to them means bad news...right? Where did he get them from? Where did he get the alcohol from? Fuck so many questions but no answers. I sigh and stand up to mover over to Party. The plan was to ask the questions currently spinning round in my head making me dizzy but I couldn’t decide which one to start with so instead I sat down next to Party in complete silence and waited for him to notice me. He looks up and away from the fire with a questioning expression, his dilated eyes shining and reflections of the flames flickering out of the corners.
“I wanna try them.” The words just spill out of my mouth with confidence. I was not planning on saying that but I gave in to my curiosity at the last second. Party stares at me with confusion tho his body stiffens. He knows I know.
“What?” he tries to play innocent but we both know what I meant. His hand protectively covers his pocket contain the pills casually.
“The pills you’ve been popping all day Party. I want to escape for a while. Please just let me have some.” I soften my expression and bow my head in defeat. What am I doing? Drugs are not the answer, but what is the answer? I wanna feel something else instead of this numb hollow feeling I’m currently living with. I wanna feel free and just forget, I wanna lose myself but I don’t know how to explain it.
Luckily I don’t need to.
Party digs into his pocket and pulls out the small container that raddles as he hands them to me. I pop the cap and look over at Kobra and Jet to ensure that they are sound asleep. I really don’t want them to find out about this.
“They won’t wake up, they were exhorted.” Party softly whispers and he hands me a bottle I know to hold vodka. I tip the container of pills and small capsules of the drug lands onto the centre of my palm. I recap the bottle and Party takes it back to stash back into his pocket again. I stare at the four white pills looking back up at me as I gently swing the bottle of vodka in my other hand. I think deeply about what I’m planning to do. Do I really want to do this? What if they have a bad side effect on me? What if they kill me?...What’s it matter?
“They make things feel better. Trust me.” Party encourages me as he cups the bottom of my hand with his own and moves the pills closer to my lips. I breathe in shakily as I pick up one single tablet. It's smooth as the first pill touches my bottom lip. I play with it on the edge on my lip for a moment then I breathe in one last deep breath.
“Fuck it.” I throw all the pills onto my tongue then wash them down with a swig of vodka before I could back out. It burns but in the way you know it’s meant to. I feel the liquor line my stomach and I already begin to feel a little better because I know that soon I’ll either be high or at least drunk. I turn to Party and he’s smiling wide at me. I feel accepted and can’t help but smile too as I drink deep from the bottle.
This is going to be interesting…