Lazer and Party were still sat in the room after their conversation had ended, this left them both to sit in their silences. But this wasn't a good thing for Lazer Queen when she suddenly realised ...
Chapter 34. Thinking's Unhealthy
Me and Party were still just sat at the table, still in the comfortable silence that circled us like a soft, warm blanket. The silence was affectionate, tender, embracing, just like a ghost's soft, delicate breath on your cool, tepid skin. It was almost like a silky whisper in the comforting, soothing silence, a silence that seemed deafening to the ears. The silence drowned out all our thoughts and feelings, it let assurance and relief dance across our subtle features, our unmoving tongues, not letting a single word slip and break the distant sounding silence.
We were both just sat there, both just thinking. We were both just letting the silence flow across our entire frames like a warm summer breeze, like the cascading rays from the outstanding blazing sun shining high in the sky. The comforting silence was enchanting, moving and captivating, but that quickly changed for me as I came back to reality and noticed something I wished I hadn't noticed.
I still hadn't taken my hand from Party's arm, my hand still softly resting on his firm bicep, soft to the touch and held an encircling warmth. And for some unknown reason I couldn't bring myself to pull my hand away, for some reason I didn't want to pull my hand away and I couldn't help but wonder why. It was just something I didn't understand, something unfamiliar in my eyes. For some reason I was lost in question, for some reason I was captivated by the sign.
Did I feel this because I wanted to comfort this man? Because I wanted to help him? Was it because I felt sorry for him? Cared for him? Worry about him?... Or is it because the connection has been made, that close connection that I just can't crack no matter how hard I try... It's almost like the connection I had with Blade, like he meant everything to me, like we were family. But this feeling was stronger, much stronger.
Only now did I realise just what was happening here, only now did I realise what I was allowing to happen. I was putting my guard down, I was letting myself get attached... I was doing the unthinkable at this point in time, the most dangerous thing I could possibly do at this perilous time. I was getting close, too close, something that was endangering not only my life but theirs too. Not only was I putting myself in danger, but I was also putting this group in danger. I can't put them in harms way, I refuse to endanger their lives and put them at risk. I won't let them get hurt because of my idiocy, because of my selfish needs. I won't let them get hurt, I won't let them die, not for me.
After the realisation of this horrible situation hit me I quickly removed my hand from Party's arm and recoiled away from him so quickly I even surprised myself, so quickly I almost felt lonely from the loss of contact, the sudden loss of his comforting warmth. I was scared of hurting him with my sudden recoil, but I had to pull away in my meagre attempt to break that connection, a connection I just can't let myself keep. I need to pull myself away, I need to distance myself away from them. I won't let them get hurt because of me, I won't let anyone else die for me, especially these men. But from my sudden action Party quickly looked up at me with a questioning stare before asking.
"Are you ok Lazer?" I looked up at him with fear and dread on my features, scared of putting anyone in harm's way, scared of putting him in danger. But I quickly replied to try and convince him of the opposite.
"Yea, I'm ok." But I hadn't fooled him, not in the slightest.
He looked at me as if he wasn't convinced, as if he knew me too well. He could tell by my features and body language that I'd been thinking about something, something that made me think twice about resting my hand on his arm, something that made me coil away. I guess it was obvious to tell though, I know that from experience. The eyes never lie, so they always tell the truth.
Thoughts were spinning around my head at light speed, almost knocking me off balance as it hit me like a sack of bricks. Questioning thoughts swirling around, making me feel dizzy and ailing, almost like the room wouldn't stop spinning. Questioning thoughts that played with my mind, toyed with my feelings and emotions as if a child's play thing. Questioning thoughts that made my heart leap with fear, almost like a jolt of electricity through my being. Questioning thoughts that I couldn't hold back, questioning thoughts that I couldn't keep out of the protective barrier I call my mind.
I didn't know what to do but I knew I couldn't stay there, I couldn't stay in this man's presence. His questioning gaze was hypnotic, almost convincing me to tell this man the truth. The effect this man was having on me was overwhelming, immeasurable. One thing was for certain, I needed to escape. I needed time to think, I needed to be on my own... at least for a little while anyway, so I spoke up to address my newly found friend.
"...I gotta go Party. Gotta get my head straight." He raised his eyebrows in a questioning manner and looked at me worriedly before he again asked.
"Are you ok Lazer?" I showed him a fake smile to try and convince him I was indeed ok when actually my thoughts were going a mile a minute, I was confused, but more than anything else I was scared. I was scared for him, scared for these men and scared for Gracie, I don't want any of them to get hurt. So I in answer raised my voice to say.
"Yea, I'm fine. Just gotta let my mind rest is all." It went silent for a while before Party's confusion left his features and was replaced with sadness as he asked.
"Is it what I told you? Is that why your acting like this?" I was shocked he asked such a thing like that and this showed in my tone.
"What?! Don't you ever think like that Party! I would never want to leave because of what you told me!" He looked like he didn't believe me, but still managed to reply with a meagre.
"Ok." I then reluctantly stood up and headed towards the hallway that led to the bedrooms so I could get some much needed rest, but before leaving I turned back to face the poison and said.
"Oh, and Party." He looked up at me hiding no emotion, his barrier down and deep sadness swirling in his irises. I gave him a kind smile before I continued to speak.
"I'm sure you would have been a great dad, and I don't doubt that for one second." He smiled at me in thanks, but he quickly shifted his eyes back down at the floor without saying another word so I took that as my queue to leave. I slowly turned on my heels and left the room, leaving the poison to his sad and lonely thoughts.
Ok, I hope you guys liked and I am sorry if I miss any future updates.
BTW I'm not sure if any of the audience who are not English will know what I mean when I say that I can already hear the winds picking up for the St Jude storm hitting the UK tonight.