Edward and Alphonse come home for a rest, and Edward decides to confess his feelings to Winry, but he'll need help to do it. The help that he'll receive will come from the most unlikely of men, wh...
Disclaimer: We do not own the copyrights to Fullmetal Alchemist, Roxanne, or any other books, movies, and songs referenced in this fan fiction. All Copyrights belong to their respective owners.
A Fan Fiction Comedy By
Chapter 1: Charlie Daniels
"Ah, it feels good to be back doesn't it?" Edward Elric asked his little brother Alphonse Elric as he stepped off the train at the station of their hometown, Resembool.
"Yes, it does." Al answered back as he towered over Ed in his suit of armor, "Shouldn't Winry be here to meet us?"
"Speak of the devil!" Ed smiled, "Here she comes!"
Just down the platform of the station was Winry who came running towards them with such a cheerful smile on her face that if she was in a dark room she would be the light of it.
"Welcome home, Ed and Al!" Winry greeted the brothers, "Are you two here to get repairs?"
When she asked that, she seemed to glow with greater radiance, because that was one of the greatest pleasures that she got out of life was mechanics, taking things apart, finding out how they worked, before she put them back together again. She had her hands clasped together hoping that Ed would say yes to her question so that she can work on his automail arm and leg.
"No, Winry." Ed answered, "We're here just to gather our thoughts together before we go back on our search again."
"Oh..." Winry answered back, her shoulders drooping slightly and her face looking sullen with disappointment.
"I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm feeling a little hungry," Ed had announced.
Winry brought herself out of her disappointment to report something new to Ed, "There's a new place that was just opened here recently and it's pretty close to here."
"Let's go then," Ed smiled, "My stomachs growling!"
The three of them came to the new restaurant that had been built near the train station, probably because whoever built it knew that when travelers come in, they'll be pretty hungry. The owner was right about that since in just a few months, the business of the restaurant had boomed considerably with travelers as well as locals.
The place wasn't all that special from the outside as well as inside, just a bar, tables, and a few waiters with the bartender. Yet, what made the place special was the food, it was such that there were sneaking suspicions that the cook might slip something into the food, but then again it didn't matter since it still was so good.
Edward, Al, and Winry sat down at one of the tables near the window, Alphonse was looking down at the red and white checkered table cloth, Ed was looking out the window, possibly lost in thought about his search for the philosophers stone, while Winry wanted to break the ice.
"Ed, I should tell you that someone new has moved into our village," She suddenly brought up.
"Why mention that?" Ed asked wondering about the importance of it.
"He's a new teacher at the school, he teaches literature," Winry explained, then her expression grew to one of slight fear like she was afraid that he was nearby, "but...he's...he's kind of odd..."
"What'd you mean?" Ed asked cocking an eyebrow.
Winry's eyes then widened as she looked out the window and to the door of the restaurant, her slight fear growing to perpetual terror.
"Here he comes," She quietly whispered to Ed.
The Elric Brothers turned and looked to the door and in walked in a man dressed in a short sleeved white suit shirt for the warm summer weather outside and a pair of black slacks. He had a head of full white hair yet his face looked young with very few wrinkles that men get when their hair turns to that color. Yet, Edward and Alphonse Elric understood instantly what Winry meant by him being "odd", sitting upon his face, he had a nose that must have been as long as a human middle finger. Yet, the man walked into the restaurant with a slight bounce in his step, he was genuinely happy with the world around him, not knowing of the evils that the Elric brothers had faced on their own.
"Who is he?" Edward whispered as the man with the long nose walked up to the bar.
"His name is Charlie Daniels," Winry answered keeping her voice to a slight whisper, "But he likes to be called C.D. for short. Don't say anything about his nose, I heard two guys made fun of him for it and he beat them up using only a tennis racket."
"That guy?" Alphonse asked
The three of them watched the man named Charlie Daniels order his drink and sit down at one of the tables as a waiter brought out a menu for him. He sat there for a moment perusing the menu and looked as though he made his decision. Charlie had got up from his table and headed in the direction of the bathroom at the end of the bar, along the way, he bumped into a rather large muscular man. Charlie apologized as he continued on his way but the muscular man was looking for action.
"Hey, where you goin' big nose?" He asked in his gruff voice.
Charlie stopped dead in his tracks, while the commotion and conversation in the restaurant had come to a grinding halt. He turned around to face the muscular man, but instead of anger or rage on his face, it was more like curiosity that he had.
"Pardon me?" Charlie asked.
"You heard me, big nose!" The muscular man reiterated his joke as he laughed at him.
"Ha!" Charlie laughed, "I guess you got me there."
The muscular man had laughed in his victory.
"But what a wasted opportunity." Charlie shook his head at him.
"What?" The muscular man asked
Charlie stepped closer to him, tipping his head at him, "Well, you got someone in front of you with something like..../this.../" Charlie mentioned presenting his large nose to him, "And all you could think up was /big nose/."
"Think you can do better?"
"Yeah, I think I can do somethin' better!" Charlie smiled as he looked over at the other end of the bar to see a small dartboard setup, he went over to it and pulled the dart off of it and handed it to the muscular man who followed him to the dartboard to humor him, "here, whatever you hit on that board I'll think of that."
The muscular man took it and threw the dart at the board and it instantly hit the 20. Charlie tilted his head back seeing that whatever plan he thought of had misfired.
"Two out of three!" Charlie declared to the restaurant, "Two out of three!"
He pulled the dart off the board and brought it back to the muscular man who took it and flung the dart at the board and it hit the 20 once again, the restaurant was clapping for his accuracy while he reveled in his skill.
"Darts Champion, Central City 1910." The muscular man stated.
At the other end of the restaurant, the Elric brothers were watching this and Ed had to comment.
"That guys in way over his head."
"Okay," Charlie announced to the restaurant, "Twenty something betters!"
The restaurant clapped for him and cheered him on to see if he could actually pull it off. As they did, Charlie went to his table and picked up his drink and carefully took a sip of it so that his nose wouldn't dip into it.
"Alright, let's start with obvious," Charlie started as he came up to the muscular man, "Excuse me, is that your nose or did a train stop on your face?"
The restaurant laughed at this joke, even Ed and Al, as well as Winry.
"Meteorological!" Charlie continued, waving his hands around like a man making a warning to the town, "Everybody take cover! She's going to blow!"
Edward couldn't help but laugh again.
"Fashion." Charlie changed his stature to look very prissy, "You know you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger...say...a city...Personal: Well...here we are...just the three of us. Punctual! Alright Delbman! Your nose was on time but you were fifteen minutes late!"
Even Alphonse had to laugh at that one.
"Envious. Oh, I wish I were you! Gosh! To be able to smell your own ear!" Charlie made the joke while the muscular man seemed to grow more surly with each joke that he made, "Naughty. Um...pardon me sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away? Philosophical! You know it's not the size of a nose that's important...it's what's in it that matters. Humorous! Laugh and the world laughs with you...sneeze and it's good-bye Central!"
By that time, Edward was pounding his feet on the floor as he grabbed his stomach laughing at it.
"Commercial!" Charlie continued as he took another sip of his drink, "HI! I can paint that nose for 39.95! Polite: Um, would you mind not bobbing your head, the orchestra keeps changing tempo. Chorus: Everybody! /He's got the whole world.../"
"/...In his nose!/" The patrons of the restaurant had responded in the start of the joke as they all continued to laugh with each joke that he made.
"Sympathetic," Charlie continued as he leaned on the muscular man's shoulder, "Aw! What happened, did your parents loose a bet with God? Complementary; you must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure...woah...I'd hate to see the grindstone."
The laughs were rather stifled in the restaurant, but Charlie turned to them and asked them, "Just think about this."
Given a little more thought, the did manage to get a small laugh out of that one.
"Inquiry," Charlie continued, "when you stop to smell the flowers...are they afraid? French: Sire...the pigs have refused to find anymore truffles until you leave! Pornographic! Finally! A man who can satisfy two women at once!"
The men laughed and the women were throwing out cat calls at that last joke, even Winry had to join in on it. Though Alphonse was scratching his metallic head wondering what the joke meant but continued to watch with intent.
"Religious!" Charlie continued, "The lord giveth! And he just kept on giving didn't he! Disgusting, say who mows your nose hairs?"
At that last one Al was making the count mentally and he then leaned over to Ed and Winry and whispered,
"He's over twenty" he reported.
"Yeah, but he's on a role now." Ed smiled waiting patiently for the next joke to come out.
"Paranoid!" Charlie stated, "/Keep that guy away from my cocaine!/ Aromatic, it must be wonderful to wake in the morning and smell the coffee in Central. Appreciative, oh how original! Most people just have their teeth capped!"
The people in the restaurant were starting to applaud Charlie Daniels seeing that he had already broken through the twenty something-better barrier, but then Charlie turned to them and stated:
"Not yet!" He called out happily, "One more!"
He went back to the muscular-man who already looked perturbed as it was but Charlie wasn't finished with him. He looked at him dead square in the eye with a very smug look on his face knowing that he had already won.
"Dirty," Charlie stated as he made the last joke, "Your name wouldn't be Dick would it?"
There was a roar of cheering, even from Edward, Al, and Winry's table in the small triumph that this man had made, while the muscular man's rage had exploded into a spattering of name calling.
"You smart-ass son-of-a-bitch!" He snarled at Charlie.
"You flat-faced, flat-nosed, flat-head." Charlie calmly insulted back at him.
"Hey!" The muscular man called
Charlie turned to see that he was trying to make a jab at him, but Charlie was too quick for him, he ducked, and when he came back up, he elbowed the muscular man in his gut and brought his fist up against his face. The blows were such that the muscular man was standing still for a slight moment; Charlie then walked over to Edward, Al, and Winry's table and asked:
"Has he fallen yet?"
Edward looked and saw the muscular man had fallen to his knees and then onto his back.
"He has now." Ed answered back.
With the applause coming from the entire restaurant, Charlie Daniels went back to his table with his drink and waited for his waiter to make get his order.
To be continued...