Xander's thoughts after 'The Pack'.
Disclaimer: Buffy is owned by people, none of which are me.
Summary: Xander's thoughts after "The Pack"
I can still feel it echoing in the back of my mind. It's not strong and I'm still in control, but I know that it's there. I haven't told the others though. They would only overreact anyways. Although, I do think G-Man suspects something.
Even if he does know he mustn't think I'm a threat. I wouldn't be sitting here if he did. I'll deny it if anyone asks but Giles is a pretty cool guy. Sometimes when he looks at me I can see it. Something I have never seen in my own father's eyes. Pride. It feels good. He even agreed not to tell the others that I remember everything that happened. Although that's probably as much for their benefit as it is mine.
Willow's looking at me worriedly from across the table. I give her one of my patented lopsided grins. It has the desired effect as she smiles and turns back to her book reassured.
I can't believe that I attacked her. No, that I tried to kill her. My Willow! My best friend. I don't know what I would do without her. She knows me better than anyone. She is the one constant in my life. The one person who is always there when I need her.
It amazes me how easily she forgave me. I was possessed. That was enough for her. Not that what I did to her was anything compared to what I did to Buffy.
Oh My God Buffy! I'm so sorry. I was just as strong as her and had leverage on my side. It was just dumb luck that she got a hold of that desk. I shiver thinking of what could have happened if she hadn't.
She has every right to hate me and I wouldn't blame her if she did. Yet when she though I didn't remember she couldn't tell me the truth about what I tried to do. I guess she knew the guilt I would feel. That I do feel.
I know that even if she has forgiven me that she hasn't forgotten. It's little things really. Like finding lame excuses for not being alone with me. The friendly touching that used to be ok, now completely off limits.
Maybe one day she'll be able to trust me again. I cant' say for sure. One thing that I do know is that I will always be here for her. The same goes for Willow and Giles. Maybe it's its instincts, maybe it's mine, but I'll do my best to help and protect them.
They are my friends.
They are my family.
They are my pack.