FicWad

Slash

Even through the smack my face and my heart throb. Duff had never hit me before; of course I hadn’t ever blurted out that I’d cheated on him and begged him to let me die before either. At least the secret is out though; I feel like hundreds of pounds have lifted off of my shoulders only to be dropped right back onto my chest because my heart is broken and I’m afraid he’ll never forgive me. Even through the sedation of alcohol and drugs I can feel the pain and the fear and the sheer anxiety of wondering what the hell he’s doing right now and what he’ll say and do when he comes back.

I want to leave, bolt and disappear for a couple of days because I don’t know if I can handle any more confrontation with Duff or anyone else tonight without having a nervous breakdown but Duff posted one of our body guards outside my door so I couldn’t get out and get anymore drugs or alcohol tonight; bastard took everything out of the minibar too. So I pace around the room, I shower, I put ice on my busted lips and the bruise on my cheek where Duff hit me. Finally I just give up and go sit on the balcony with my guitar and a pack of cigarettes and I lose myself in playing so I don’t hear Duff come in.

I don’t know he’s there until I stop playing for a second and a voice behind me says “God you’re fucking amazing with that thing no matter what happens to you, do you know that? Seeing you from the back like that and hearing you play it’s like you’re still that fun loving, innocent, talented kid I hooked up with a year ago. I never wanted you to change.”

I turn my head and look at him and his face is bruised and his nose is bleeding and he has his arm wrapped around his stomach but from his busted and bloody knuckles it looks like he gave out more punches than he got. Guilt surges up inside of me because I know the bruises came from Izzy and that Izzy’s probably in worse shape than Duff. Izzy was a fighter but I don’t know how much he would throw back at Duff when he knew he was in the wrong. I hate that Izzy got hurt, I hate that Duff was hurt and angry enough to beat up Izzy, I hate that I caused all of this. But I’m angry too because none of this would have happened if Duff had been here and not off marrying some whore. “Yeah well, maybe if you’d stepped in once in a while instead of handing me over or giving in every time somebody asked I’d still be that same kid, but that shit’s done now and I’ll never be that way again, the world sucks man. I just wanted to do my part to help the band. So, did you fucking kill Izzy or what? Because if you look like that I’m betting he looks worse. You should have beaten up all those record company guys instead of your bandmate.” I growl and turn back around and pick my guitar up to play again. If he wants to hit me and beat up Izzy instead of beating up all those jerks who literally fucked me right in front of him and made me bleed then I don’t have a lot to say to him. I know it’s easier for him to take his rage out on Izzy though a) because he’s here and he can get to him and b) because I slept with Izzy willingly.

“Look, I know I made my own choices with those record company guys and with Izzy but it would have been nice if just once you had stepped in for me. If just once you had said “I don’t want him to do that” or “I’m not going to do that,” but you never did. “You did what you needed to do and I did what I needed to do.”

“So what you needed to do was fuck Izzy?” he snarls. “I’m not man enough for you?”
“Who said that? I didn’t say that; I just said that you weren’t there for me; you were busy with your wife and incidentally if you hadn’t agreed to whatever Sixx said and gone off and gotten married to that whore I wouldn’t have been alone to begin with so none of this ever would have happened!” I spit out.

“Fuck you Slash; I did that shit so you wouldn’t have to or have to do something worse. You don’t get it, people just like to fuck with us and if it’s not me that takes the hit it’s gonna be you. Nikki’s out to control our band for some reason and he wants you and I split up; at least in public and after that shit with the video camera I feel like he’d do anything to blackmail us and I know you and if he threatened me you’d let yourself get pimped out and I’m not doing that shit again; I feel bad enough about the first time that happened, I’m not letting it happen again! Goddamnit why can’t you see that I’m doing the best I can, ever since I let those guys from Virgin have you I’ve sworn I’d never let anything happen to you again! I saw something in your eyes die that night and I don’t want to be responsible for any more of that but it seems like no matter what I try to do you just end up getting hurt anyway. Fuck me!” he says and slumps into himself and runs his hands over his face as he heads into the bathroom.

I know he means it too by the way he just crumpled; fuck, why does this shit have to be so complicated now? What happened to just being stupidly in love with each other? Oh yeah, fame happened, screwing our way into a record deal happened, all of that. So much shit; god damnit I really don’t want to fight with him. I remember being with him in that hammock in San Diego and promising him that we would never become like Axl and Izzy, that we would always tell each other when we were hurting and why so that we could help each other and not push the other away. We haven’t kept that promise to each other very well. I sure as hell pushed him away by fucking Izzy. He pushed me away by marrying Mandy. This is bullshit! I’m sure he did marry Mandy so that there wouldn’t be something worse laid on me but who’s to say that would have happened? I know Duff just wants to protect me but sometimes, no matter what his intentions are he ends up hurting me and I’ve built up a lot of resentment. Fuck, I really needed to go and talk to him even though I’d like to take a swing at him myself.

I sigh and stand up and walk back into the room and put my guitar back in the stand. I strip my boxers off and walk into the bathroom and open the glass door and step into the shower with Duff. He’s rinsing soap off of himself and when he steps out of the water I pick up the washcloth and gently wipe the water out of his eyes.

“What are you doing in here?” Duff asks.
I sigh and reach out and take his hands into mine. “Duff, do you remember what we promised each other laying in that hammock in San Diego?” I ask him quietly.

“Yeah, I remember. We promised each other that we would never become like Axl and Izzy and that we would come to each other when we were hurting and help each other instead of pushing each other away. Guess we’ve done a pretty shitty job keeping that promise,” he sighs.

“Yeah, we have, but we don’t have to keep doing a shitty job of it. I don’t want to be them. Duff, it really hurt when you agreed to marry Mandy, I felt like somebody shot me the hole in my heart was so big; so I went looking for something to fix it. I picked the wrong thing; I should never have done what I did with Izzy. I know it hurt you, I kind of wanted to hurt you as much as you’d hurt me so that you’d know what it felt like but that was a horrible, selfish, thing to want and I’m so sorry. All I wanted for us from the beginning was for us to be happy and all we’ve done since Nikki made that tape is make each other miserable. I made that promise to you and I wanted to keep it, I still do. Duffy, I’m sorry about what happened with Izzy, I’m never wanted any of this to happen. I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to forgive me for it and if you can’t I understand.

I don’t want to lose you and I don’t want to fight; it’s you that I love, only you. Shit, I don’t know what’s happening; this is all we’ve ever wanted but it’s like the better and bigger we get the crazier and worse things get inside the band. Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know which way is up things get thrown at us so fast that turn our world upside down; the only thing that’s ever been stable is how much we loved each other, you were my rock Duff. Then you agreed to marry somebody else and marriage is serious Duff, it’s not like you agreed to fuck her for one night; you got married to her! It’s not an excuse but it felt like everything that I had that kept me steady was being pulled out from under me, I was so afraid I was going to lose you…”

“I don’t want to lose you either,” he sobs and then suddenly he’s in my arms and he’s absolutely bawling. I just hold him and let him cry and rub his back and talk to him quietly, trying to calm him down. He finally settles down and I cup his swollen, tearstained face in my hands and stare into his eyes; looking for some shred of the love I usually see when I look into them but that’s all I see, shreds. I feel my own eyes fill tears at what was lost. It hurts to look into his eyes and see so much pain and disappointment.

When he sees that I’m crying Duff pulls me into him and holds on tight. “Don’t cry Curly Sue, I’m not going anywhere, it just really hurts; I know you’re hurting too. I love you so much, I just need some time to process everything; we both do. We both finally get ahold of ourselves and I wash Duff’s hair, rubbing his scalp and neck trying to loosen some knots in his muscles.

We get out of the shower and get ready for bed. Duff leaves the bathroom before I do and I come out to find him sitting on the edge of the bed staring at his wedding ring on the bedside table and he’s gone absolutely white. “Duffy are you ok?” I ask as I walk towards the bed. “Baby?” No response. I squat down on the floor in front of him and his eyes are full of panic and he’s breathing hard. He’s having a panic attack. “Duff what’s wrong?” I ask and take both of his hands into mine; they’re shaking and clammy.

“I…don’t…want…any of …this…Slash, I just…want…back…what …we…had,” he chokes out.

“Breathe baby breathe,” I say quietly to him and I try to get him to breathe deeply with me but he can’t seem to do it. “Duffy I’m right here in front of you, I’m not going anywhere, we’ll fix what’s broken with us, we always do and we’ve been through some pretty awful shit. It’s gonna be ok, let’s take a walk ok?” I pull him up off of the bed and get him moving, it usually helps but this time his breathing just becomes more labored and then all of a sudden he collapses. I catch him before he hits the floor and I try and wake him up but he won’t wake up. I run for the phone and call 911 and the next hour or so is a blur of lights and doctors and worry. The doctors said there’s nothing wrong with him other than he needs to stop drinking and that he’s mentally and physically exhausted. They said he needed some time off to rest. That’s it, I’ve had it, I’m taking my baby and we’re getting out of here for a couple of weeks, this is our last week of touring before a break anyway. We’re going back to the beach, to the resort with the hammocks, to the last place we found some real peace together.