One Shot - Two science fiction geeks unite as the Super Genius and Purple Pixie Princess, armed with force lances, Gauss guns and the luck of the gods, invade the Hellmouth.
AN2: 'Voluntold' noun, when one is volunteered by another and told at the same time to do something without a chance to either prepare or to say no. This generally happens from the parent to the child - "I volunteered you to do this." "So I have been Voluntold."
Xander adjusted the belt at his waist, laden with exact replicas and fairly heavy ones at that, one last time as he, Buffy and Willow left the air conditioned halls of the school and went towards their respective brat packs - they had been 'voluntold' by Snyder to partner up with a teacher to lead around kids in the time-honored tradition of legalized extortion, a.k.a. Trick Or Treating, and while both Buffy and Willow had been rather down about it, Xander found himself more than a little up about it for two reasons. Reason one: he had the chance to pull out a character costume that had recently come to mind due to reason two. Reason two: he had, after being voluntold by Snyder, found out that his favorite television series was also the favorite of his now-partner, Jenny Calendar, so dressed in his bright orange cargo pants, a white shirt, a fully-stocked tool belt, several weapons and with a loud, even by his standards, Hawaiian shirt, he was going as the Super Genius himself.
"So, Harris, where is your body guard? Curling her hair?" Larry and his ilk were laughing at him already, but he ignored them, which they took poorly, "Hey, Harris, I'm talking to you."
Xander stopped, "Yeah, you are ... and in case you're too stupid to realize it, I was ignoring you on the counts that a) I am not interested in talking to you, b) I need to get to my group ..."
"And c) his partner is here." Xander turned and did his best to both not let his jaw drop and to thank whatever god or goddess that was listening that his cargo pants were as baggy as they were - Jenny Calendar, dressed in a purple leotard, her skin painted purple and with sparkles and her nigh-black hair dyed blonde and teased out, with a Gauss gun at her hip and a force lance at her thigh, stood there as the Purple goddess herself and she did not look amused, "More importantly, Larry, if you DO have a problem with Xander, at least be enough of a man to take it up with him when the odds are a bit more even."
Larry blinked, "What do you mean?"
"I count it that you have seven of your friends at your back right now, but I have yet to see you attack Xander when it is just you and him. Why?" Jenny stepped forwards and had a nasty grin on her face even as Snyder charged over, "Scared?"
"He should be, Jenny," Xander ground out even as he pinned the troll with a direction-altering glare before turning to pin a position-fixing one on Larry. "She brings up an interesting point, Larry - why not have a go at it when all I have to worry about is making sure I don't kill you instead of having to worry about your goons?" There had been a reason that the Hyena had picked him to be Alpha - when necessary, he was an ice-cold son of a bitch and capable of doing anything ... including killing people, he had come to find out. Tony had, one night not too long after the Hyena incident, made several remarks that had finally pushed beyond the edge of Xander's own mind and that night, after slaying was done, Xander had found himself laying the edge of a razor-sharp kitchen knife across the alcohol-sodden and unconscious man's throat - Tony, to that day, still had the thread-thin scar and still had no clue where he had gotten it from.
Larry, for his part, backed up slowly, "You wouldn't."
Xander let a mask of indifference slip over his features as he stepped forwards, "Try me." Larry, for his part, drew himself up and left at a not-quite-trot, his cronies following him, which allowed Xander to turn back and smile at Jenny, "Thanks for the save, Ms. Calendar."
She smiled back at him, perking up slightly, "No problem, Harper."
Xander smiled and slipped into character as they went towards their group of kids, "So, my Purple Pixie, how do you feel on this night of legalized extortion?"
Jenny schooled her features into a frown of cute confusion, ala Trance, "Well, I'm not sure - I mean, I get the concept of the 'Treat', but why is it that we have to play a trick on them if we don't get good stuff?"
He arched an eyebrow at her, "You mean that if I, Seamus Zelazny Harper, Super Genius extraordinaire, gave you sub-standard chocolate and sugar-free products on a day that was MADE for such things, you wouldn't want to play a trick on me?"
She scrunched up her brow as they walked, "No, I'd sic Tyr on you, saying you called him a Drago Katzov."
Xander winced, "Sure, fight dirty - I'll go after you gardenia, Jacob."
'Trance' stopped and slapped him on the upper arm, "Harper! Don't you DARE threaten Jacob or any of my plants," Jenny fumed theatrically and Xander had to admit that he could see just what Giles saw in her, but she then stopped fuming and smiled somewhat mildly, "Now, Xander, that we are in character, shall we go pick up our children?"
Xander arched an eyebrow at her slightly and smiled, "Sure, but only if they look like you, Jenny." She arched an eyebrow at him and then winked as they got to their group, a bunch of kids whom had dressed in the gamut of costumes, and he smiled, "Alrighty, kids, listen up and learn the keys to sleazing extra candy..."
"Ohhh," Trance groaned as she dragged herself off of the ground slowly, shaking her head as her tail proceeded to cramp up, again. "What happened?" She looked around and saw chaos surrounding her, literally, and squeaked as something charged her, making her pull her Gauss gun and fire at its feet, scaring it away, "Where is everybody? Harper? Rommie? Beka?"
"Ow," she turned to look behind her and saw someone dressed much the same as Harper would, a loud shirt and baggy cargo pants, with frosted blonde hair, a Gauss gun, a force lance and a data port, but it wasn't Harper - he was too tall, too muscular and wasn't quite cute enough, though he wasn't far off of the mark. "Did anyone get the number of that Chin Head freighter that just hit me?" He looked around once, blinked his brown eyes, and then stared at her, "Trance? Is that you?"
"Yes, who are you?"
"It's me, Harper, the Super Genius of Andromeda." He stood up, now showing that instead of her being a few inches taller than him, he was now a few inches taller than her, "Hey, you shrunk ... mostly."
"Huh?" She looked down at her body, something that now registered as it not being hers, and saw that, save for two places, she had indeed shrunk, "Wow."
"Yeah, and might I add," Harper started before wolf whistling, which brought heat to her purple cheeks. "So, Trance, what in the hell is going on here? One second I'm in Machine Shop 17 getting ready to finish up some modifications to Rommie and then I'm here, on the ground, in a body that is most definitely not mine ... though I do have to admit that it's better in some respects." Before he could say anything else, though, something roared behind him and he that caused him to spin, pull his pistol, and fire into the thing, dropping it where it stood, "Uh, Trance, answers? Please?"
"Ah, actually, I was kinda hoping that you could tell me." They stood back to back, her tail snaking around his waist to make sure he didn't go anywhere on her, "Can you reach Rommie or Dylan?"
"Not yet," he grunted, popping off another shot as they moved, back to back, towards a defensible position. "So, Trance, do you think it's just us or general bad luck that gets us into positions like this?"
"In the middle of a fight, back to back, without backup or support, and wondering just how in the hell we got here."
She smirked a little as they came up to what looked like an ancient automobile that Harper was always showing her, and took up cover on the other side of it, and that is when Trance saw something that made her question both her eyes and her sanity - a young woman, red haired and dressed in a leather bodysuit, running THROUGH several of the antique vehicles and right at them, "I'm not sure, but aside from the fact that I see someone running through solid matter, I'd say that it was just us."
"Xander! Ms. Calendar!" The redheaded 'ghost' ran up to them and slid to a stop, "Are you two okay?"
Harper looked at her, and then at the ghost, "Who?"
The ghost scowled at him, "Xander, now ISN'T the time to try and be funny! Are you okay? Everyone around here is going nuts."
"Um, I kinda hate to break it to ya, babe, but my name isn't 'Xander', it's Harper, Seamus Harper, and the portrait of purple pixie perfection here is Trance Gemini." He looked at her this time, "Trance, please tell me I'm not talking to someone who's standing through an old car. Tell me that this is a dream induced by some bad Sparky."
Trance shook her head, "Sorry, Harper, but unless I got ahold of it too, it's ... real." Trance knew that wasn't a possibility - she was, under pain of death from Beka, Rommie, Harper and Tyr, to never touch Harper's Sparky again, as it made her Uber-hyper and made her also babble incessantly, "Um, excuse me miss ghost lady, but who did you say we were?"
The ghost growled in frustration, "You are Jenny Calendar, a teacher at Sunnydale High, and he is Alexander Lavelle Harris, my best and oldest friend since Kindergarden, and we need to go find Buffy! She could be in danger."
Harper pulled his aim to the side and fired at a charging thing's feet, "Buffy? What's a Buffy, Trance?"
Trance shrugged, "I don't know, Harper, but she sounds like she needs to be helped. Alright, lets go find her, then, and then maybe we can get some answers."
(Later - Summers Residence)
Willow watched as both 'Harper' and 'Trance' swept the room, Gauss guns drawn and leading, and 'Lady Elizabeth', or 'Lady Useless', if one happened to listen to 'Harper', looked around in fear as they settled into her real house - it had been a harrowing incident getting there, well, mostly, after some tension had been broken as Buffy had been scared of a car, calling it a demon, but they had made it and now came the fun part.
"Coast's clear, now how about some answers, Ghost Babe?" 'Harper', though he was actually Xander, was REALLY starting to get on her nerves with the names he was giving her - Ghost Babe, Flower, Will-o-the-wisp, Lady Red, Leather-clad Goddess and, her own personal 'favorite' Sex Kitten. She wondered idly if it was Xander or 'Harper' who was coming up with all of the names, "Just who is it that you say we are?"
"I've told you four times, Xand ... Harper, you're my best friend." She heard a scream at that point and stuck her head through the wall of the house to see Cordelia Chase being chased by a dog-like thing, which caused her to pull her had back inside, "You guys need to help her! She's a ... friend, sort of."
Harper sighed and walked to the door, opened it and, with a rather negligent raising and look of his 'force lance' fired off a single round that hit the dog-like thing in the torso and made it explode, "Yo, leather-clad girl! Get in here!"
"Xander Harris if you got blood and bits on this costume I swear I'm going to make you buy it for me!" Willow watched Cordelia Chase run into the house and watched as she yanked off the set of cat ears she was wearing, "God, what happened to that thing?"
"Harper shot it with his force lance." 'Trance' replied as she looked Cordelia up and down slightly, frowning, "Um, what are you supposed to be?"
"I WAS a cat, Miss Calendar, but doofus over there shot Jojo the dog-faced boy behind me." Cordelia turned to her and snarled, "Willow, what's happening out there?"
"Um, well, we all kinda got turned into our costumes ... kinda. I mean, look," she said, walking through the couch. "I dressed as a ghost, so I became a ghost, and both Xander and Miss Calendar went as Harper and Trance off of that television show, Andromeda, and ... here they are."
Cordelia blinked and looked at 'Trance', who waved back, her tail twitching slightly, and then looked at 'Harper', who was muttering something about 'hot babes' and 'tight leather', "So, he's, like, the smartest person on the planet now?"
"You may refer to me as 'Super Genius' or 'Love God', baby cakes, but that can wait later. We have someone with a huge forehead coming this way, being chased by some more of those things - have a look-see and see if you recognize him, Red Hot Ghost Babe."
Willow scowled at 'Harper' even as Lady Buffy sniffed in distain, Trance smirked and Cordelia smiled nastily, "Oh, I am SO going to make you pay for that later, Xander."
(Later, yet again)
"What do you mean you 'LOST' her?!" Harper brought his Gauss gun up to rest directly in the face of the 'man' identified as Angel, a really fluffy kind of a name, if one were to ask Harper, but nobody did, "Look, I don't know why but I get the impression that Miss Screams A-lot was kinda important ... and you lost her, Captain Forehead?"
Angel growled at him and Harper almost pulled the trigger on his gun, "Boy, you have no idea what's going on here, so back off and let the real men do the saving."
Harper didn't even think about it - he snapped his foot out and hit the man in the groin, dropping him to the ground and giving him a clear line of fire, holing one of the sneaking bastards in the chest and, somewhat surprisingly, turning him into dust, "What the hell?"
"Questions later, Harper," Trance shouted at him, pulling her own pistol, "shoot now!"
Harper did just that, ignoring the pained moans of the vampire with a soul at his feet even as the cat girl, Cordelia, beat one of the guys over his head with a pair of salad tongs and the ghost girl, Willow, bitched at him about hitting Angel 'down there' - Harper wasn't sure why, but he REALLY hated the guy, so he ignored Willow and kept firing as Willow said she was going to get more help.
"Why, Ethan? Why did you pick that bloody show to have costumes from?" Even through the pain, Ethan smiled at his old chum, Ripper, who was wiping his knuckles off, "Do you KNOW what repercussions this could have on both Jenny and Xander?"
"Of course I know, Ripper - that's why I sold them the parts of their costumes that I did. Just think of it, the woman will have the possibility of knowing all of the possible futures to come with every action and decision you make and the boy," Ethan chuckled, casting his mind back to what he knew of the characters. "The boy will have not only the genius of his character, but the past memories ... both good and bad. He'll remember seeing the Earth overrun with terrors that any demon would quiver at, being subjugated to horrors of his captors that any Nazi would be thrilled at, and the best part is, if all goes well he'll still have that damned hunk of metal in the side of his neck, making him more of a target than ever!" Truth to tell, Ethan wasn't sure what would happen to the boy and the woman, but if it turned Ripper's crank any, more power to it.
As if in response to that thought, Ripper kicked him bloody hard in the stomach, lifting him off of the ground.
She could hear Harper's suppressed bitching of frustration as his force lance also went dry from having shot the last of seemingly endless 'vampires', leaving only the thin, bleached one and two others, each one holding an ally in Cordelia and Lady Buffy. Her own force lance was empty and her Gauss gun had only two shots left in it, so she brought it up as Harper brought up his own, "Now, let them go. Please?"
The blonde man snorted at her, "Not a chance, ducky, but nice try. Now, after I finish draining the Slayer here, I'm going to snap his neck and then ... then I'm going to have a nice time with you." He grinned lecherously at her and Trance had to stop herself from recoiling in disgust even as Harper snarled and moved his Gauss gun in a sweeping arc, firing off two shots that hit both of the other two vampires in the head, killing, er, dusting them as both girls screamed, leaving the blonde one alone.
"Not going to happen, you pathetic excuse for an Uber. NOBODY touches Trance."
"That's right, I'm his Trance, and no one else's." Harper looked at her as his Gauss gun said he was out of ammunition and she smiled at him lightly, "Well, the last thing I remember was the two of us, in the same bunk, your hands rubbing up and down the front of my -"
"Okay, Trance, I get the picture." Harper shook his head, as if to try and remember, and put his gun away even as she heard something crash inside of the building behind them, "When we get out of this, we're going to have to revisit that, Trance -" Anything else he was going to say was completely washed out by a scream of agony as a wave of power hit him and then her, sending her world into an absolute blackness even as her mind brought up a perfect possible future scenario.
(Next Morning - Saturday)
Rupert cleaned his glasses once, then twice, and then a final time before putting them back on to make sure the sight in front of him was actually there - in his library, his domain, and on a couch towards the side, lay both Alexander Harris and Jenny Calendar, student and teacher, respectively, holding one another as they slept ... with a long purple tail wrapped around Xander's waist that appeared to originate from Jenny, who also had a slightly purple cast to her features. Both were still in their costumes from the previous night, only Jenny had removed most of her makeup and adornments, while Xander still had that metallic 'data port' on the side of his neck, and both looked very content in their mutual positions.
Naturally, that was when his shoe squeaked against the floor, which had an interesting result - Xander's hand shot up, filled with a rather futuristic-looking gun, his eyes cold and calculating even as Jenny's eyes snapped open and she yawned, stretching in place next to Xander before snuggling into his side and mumbling something to him that caused the gun to come back down and disappear, "What the bloody hell..."
"It appears that we have much to explain, Rupert." Jenny stood up and he could see that, indeed, it was her tail that was wrapped around Xander's waist even as he stood with her, an appendage that unwrapped from around said waist and fell to the ground, limp and lifeless as she shivered in her costume, "Now, before you start jumping to any conclusions, Rupert, Xander and I had a lot to talk about last night, and when we finished we were both exhausted and fell asleep as you found us, though I must admit my tail was then very real and didn't want to leave him alone." She smiled at this even as Xander blushed lightly, "Either way, apparently the spell did something to the both of us and we are now stuck with memories and such from our costumes."
Xander's hand went up to his neck, fingering the bit of metal lightly, "Yeah, this thing works like a champ, only half of the computers on this planet are too slow for it to work on." He shook himself off and looked at Giles, "Well, that aside, I have a ton of space-faring know-how and ... well, there's no nice way to say this, but a shit-load of memories that I never wanted."
Xander looked into his eyes and for not the first time Rupert could see the old soul there, "Take the entire second World War from the Axis point of view, combine it, and then raise it to the Nth power and you're in the ballpark."
Giles could only shiver as Jenny went on, "Yes, and as horrible as that is ... I too have picked up a rather interesting skill." She peered around and smiled, "The next person through the door will be Buffy, then Willow, and the Slayer will be prattling on about how mush she knows about the French now." He gave her a look that clearly said he did not believe her, but then, as if by design, Buffy and Willow came through the door with his Slayer going on and on about how great the French were and how easy French class was going to be, which made him look at Jenny even as his own British roots were beginning to get up and arms, "Told ya so."
"Yes, quite." He turned to tell Buffy something but then paused and turned back, looking at Xander oddly, "One second - you said that only half of the computers on the planet could work with your ... thing. Can I take that to mean that you have ... hacked ... things?"
Xander gave him a very cheeky grin and took up a position of pure arrogance, "Just call me Xander, Super Genius Extraordinaire - Jenny and I hacked almost every government computer on the planet last night from that terminal there and got tons of dirty little secrets to ... work ... with now."
Willow walked up, completely ignoring Buffy as her jaw dropped, "But how? That thing's archaic!"
Jenny smiled, "Well, as the proper software and hardware are not yet in existence for Xander to use his new data port to it's fullest potential, what this does is allows us to use the unused parts of his brain to accelerate the computer processing speed by a factor of nearly a thousand ... and then some. After all, the human brain IS a computer, of sorts, and the fastest one known to man - if we hook him up to another, more powerful base system, I am sure that he and I could rule the world in under a day."
"But, what if something goes wrong? What if some sort of super virus infects Xander's brain?" Rupert tuned Willow out as she went off on a babbling tangent on the dangers of hacking, though she herself was guilty of no less than half of them, until Xander stopped her.
"Willow, stop. Breathe. Trust me that nothing bad is going to happen - as far as computer technology goes, I am now officially a god. I mean, if Bill Gates knew one percent of what Harper knew and what I now know, we'd all be wearing those K-mart sweaters and sneakers!" He stepped back and grabbed a small ream of paper, all of which appeared to be written on, "With Jenny's help and connections, she and I will be bathing in dough by this time next year!"
Rupert watched as Jenny came up behind Xander and wrapped her arms around him in a familiar, almost romantic, gesture, resting her cheek on his shoulder, "And more importantly, I'll be able to head off any real problems we'd have with what I can now do."
Willow looked more than a little perturbed, "But what if it all goes wrong?"
Xander smiled at her, "There is an old saying that I am going to modify slightly - Trust in the Xander, for the Xander is good." Oddly enough, that didn't reassure Rupert one whit even as Buffy caught up with what they were saying and demanded Xander to fix her mother's computer at home.
AN: Okay, I've been batting this one around for a while and needed the room it was taking up - if anyone wants a sequel, sorry, but this is as stated, a One-Shot. Feel free, though, to try some more with my blessings. R&R, AR.