FicWad

Axl

I fucking left that studio with Duff in silence as Slash starts to bitch at Izzy about it all being his fault. I wished for Duff's sake I could agree. But last I checked it takes two to tango, and they were all too happy dancing last night. Duff and I get in a limo out front. Slash chases after it as it pulls away from the curb. Izzy would never draw that sort of attention on himself. But he will track me down, rest assured.

I look over at Duff. He closes his eyes, holding his breath as tears escaped from behind his shut eyelids. I feel bad for the guy. Hes getting a real dose of my world and what it's like to love someone like Izzy. Unfortunately Duff hasn't the countless years of lies, well versed words, and deceiving smiles for as long as I have. All too soon I know he will become an expert on it too.

"Duff, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this shit right now," I sigh and run my hand over my face.

"This is my fault," he barely whispers, eyes still squeezing out tears, "The whole thing with Mandy..."

"Man how is that any diffent than the chick you practically gave him your blessing to fuck?" I ask.

"But I promised I wouldn't. If it was any other chick it wouldn't have mattered. I promised him I wouldn't touch her...but what did I do? I fucked her. I was drunk and coked out...it's no excuse, but it's what happened. I made him run right into Izzy's arms."

"Don't fail to put the correct blame on that lying cheating junkie of mine! Izzy is an opportunistic little fuck and he knew exactly what the fuck he was doing! I've had it with his shit Duff. I don't even know who the fuck I'm with anymore. Somewhere over the years hes just...slipped away. I've tried to hang on. I've dealt with so much...fuck! I know the selfish fuck loves me, I do! But how much am I just supposed to stand by and take until he gets his shit together? He makes me look like a fucking fool!"

"Izzy promised me he'd never hurt me again. Promised he'd never fuck Slash again...Fuck man, now it's going to happen all over again," Duff disappointedly shakes his head, "I might kill him if he does Axe."

I Huff, "If I don't fucking beat you to it. And I can't really promise you that Slash won't get a taste of my fury too. I let the shit slide the first time... I lay no blame on the kid whatsoever. I hope you understand I can't do it twice. And as far as Izzy's concerned, well apparently you didn't beat him good enough the first time."

Duff shrugs, "I hated doing it. It fixed nothing. It didn't make me feel any better. And none of it changed what happened between them...Do you think it's happened more than just once?" He warily asks me.

I look at his eyes silently pleading with me to give him one tiny glimmer of hope to cling onto. But I'm not going to lie to him or sugarcoat shit to give false illusions. "I honestly don't know Duff."

The tears start to fall from his eyes again. His lip quivers a bit. God I hated the pain on his face. I can't help but feel partly to blame indirectly. Izzy was my responsibility. And I don't give him the love, adoration, and affection I had once upon a time. A little known fact about Izzy that not everyone realized, hes codependent. And he requires a lot of love and attention, sometimes more than I have to give. I wish I did because Izzy gives exactly as he is given. We could be happy again if I...

We pulled into the hotel.

"How in the fuck..." I hear Duff mumble and stare out of the window.

I turn to look and I see Izzy pacing erratically and smoking a cigarette. One of our bodyguards stands watchfully close. I knew he'd come after me. Shit. "Izzy always knows the fastest escape routes," I sigh. Fuck I didn't want to see him right now.

'I don't want to fucking see him right now, " he growls taking the thought in my head and putting them in words.

"Me either," I sigh.

"I wanna hurt him," Duff adds.

"I know, me too. You can go first."

He gives me a puzzled look for a moment. Then his face goes blank. Then it's replaced with anger. He shoves the limo door open and flies out for Izzy. He grabs him by the collar and pushes his back into the front of the hotel. I file out. The security guy looks at me to tell him if he should break them up or not.

"Upstairs," I call out. Izzy hears me because his eyes flutter to mine. I'm unsure if Duff hears me or not. The security guy says something to Duff and he slowly let's go of Izzy. I proceed inside and hold the elevator.

Izzy enters first, like he's walking up to the gallows. He looks at me worried but I look away. Duff storms in and pressed the button for our floor. The second the door shuts he spins and punches Izzy in the jaw. Before Izzy can react Duff is pinning him to the wall. One arm presses over Izzy's throat and they are eye to eye. "You promised me you lying piece of shit," Duff says lowly.

Izzy goes cold. "No Duff, I promised you I wouldn't hesitate."

Duffs long fingers on his right hand wrap around Izzy's throat and hold him in place as he rares back his left fist and punches Izzy in the mouth this time. I reach over and stop the elevator. No way was anything breaking this up.

Izzy's mouth is bleeding. He just gives Duff a crooked smirk.

"I'm gonna beat you ten times worse than the last time you piece of shit!" Duff tells in his face.

"I let you," Izzy says with that bloody diabolical gleam.

"You let me?! What, you think I can't fucking take you! You're a toothpick!"

Then I hear the distinctive click of a guns hammer. "With a gun motherfucker," Izzy hisses pressing the barrel of his gun to Duffs nuts. "Now back the fuck off me," he says in a low warning tone. Duff slowly moves away.

Izzy let's his gun dangle firmly in his hand at his side. He can't look at either of us. He just looks down. I can see a tear fall. He quickly turns to me. He grabs my hand and thrusts his cocked gun into my hand. He drops to his knees before me, taking my hand with his gun and holding it to his temple. "Do it! Fucking do it! Fix everybody's problems! Do me the fucking favor!"

I can't tell if this is a clever tactic to get off the hook or if he was completely crazy. His eyes look into mine and are brimming with tears.

"I only bring you pain," he whispers to me, "I'm no good anymore. All that was good in me is dead. I'll never be any good. Not for you or anybody." A tear rolls down his cheek. 'Set me free. I want it to stop."

His finger is over my finger on the trigger. I can feel him applying pressure. "Izzy no!" I blurt. "I say when you get to leave! Remember!? Izzy let go of my hand...Duff..."

"Move and I'll do it Duff," Izzy says. Duff just stands in shock not sure what to do.

"Goddamnit Isbell! Let go!" I scream at him. Finally an opportune moment comes and I'm able to jerk the gun away without it going off. I uncock it and glare down at Izzy on his knees. "You'd do it yourself if you wanted it done!" I back hand him with his gun. I throw it to the floor at Duffs feet. I rare back and punch Izzy. He falls backwards and I come down on top of him. Izzy doesn't even really fight me. Tears are streaming from his eyes as I punch him again. "You fucking idiot!" I yell at him. "I can understand how you could do this to me, but how the fuck can you do this to Duff?! What the fuck has he EVER done to you? Does he possess what you want?!"

"Axl," Izzy cries out completely crumpled and broken on the elevator floor, "Please..."

"Not gonna work this time Izzy?" I shout and punch him in the stomach.

He coughs and tries to catch his breath. "Ax..."

"Save your fucking sorries! Save your fucking tears! And spare me your bullshit lies!!" I back hand him hard. A spray of blood goes across the floor.

Then Duffs long leg thrusts into Izzy's ribs, "How could you?!"

"How the fuck could you?" Izzy pants and curls into a ball. "I know how it hurts to have a woman take the man you love away! It fucking hurts! And there's nothing but vengeance left inside you. Contempt. Who the fuck did you expect us to run to?"

"You little shit," I seethe, "you wanted Slash from day one! You've fished for excuses to excuse your fucking lust! You point your finger at me and say I used the kid?! You used him too, and it wasn't for the fucking band! You are the most selfish mother..."

"Why don't you tell him about your mom Izz?" Duff Huff's.

"Duff shut up!" Izzy glares up at him.

"What about his mom?" I ask.

"Duff don't," Izzy nearly begs.

"No tell me!" I demand and look at Duff.

"If Izzy doesn't pay the Mexican cartel every month they're gonna off her cuz Izzy gave them her name and address as his insurance policy. If he fucks them, they kill her!"

I feel my blood run cold as I glare at Izzy on the floor. I could believe what the fuck I was being told. How could he do that? And in that moment it hit me. I knew it, but now I had no doubt. Drugs were the most important thing in the world to Izzy. They meant more to him than the band, me, Slash, fuck his own mother. He didn't belong to me anymore. He belonged to heroin.

"How could you?" I question in disbelief.

"It was that or us starving," he gasps trying to catch his breath.

"The only thing that was starving was your fucking arm!!! I can't believe you! How much? How much do you have to pay a moth to keep her alive?" I demand.

"Five grand," he winces. In pain. "And I've managed it this many years...I'm not stupid."

"That's debatable Isbell," I lowly growl.

There is a long uncomfortable silence between us all. None of us knew what to do or where to go from here. I wanted to beat him more, wanted to let Duff at him, but Duff's words played in my head. It would accomplish nothing nor make me feel any better. We watch Izzy rise to his knees. He looks sideways up at Duff.

"He saw you with her. She fucking laughed at him." He tells Duff, " I saw it too. I just wanted to get him out of there before he did something stupid. But then...I sware to God Fireball it just happened. Just a kiss."

"You don't believe in God," I growl down at him.

"Fuck Axe, Do you know what it's like for me and Slash to watch you two play magnanimous to some bitches? Watching the smiles, flaunting hugs and kisses when there's a camera around?! You both promised us they meant nothing! How do you think we feel?!" Izzy shouts regaining his breath.

A part of me gets it, but it's too heavily clouded by my anger at the moment. I feel like a betrayed fool. "How the fuck would you feel Izzy if you walked in to see me and Duff grinding against one another and kissing?! How. The. Fuck. Would. You. Feel?"

Izzy just looks at me not knowing what to do.

"In fact, that's not an entirely bad idea!" I turn to Duff. I rise on my tip toes. My hand snakes into his blonde locks. I pull his head down to mine for a long hot kiss. I close my eye's and fucking give Duff all I've got to give. Going along with the act, I think he gives me the same consideration. I feel his long arms pull me into him we kiss in our rage far too long. When we finally break apart I smirk at Izzy. He stands paralized with tears streaming down his cheek. "Yeah Izz, how was that for you darlin?" I sneer.

Duff glares over to Izzy, "And were still not even with you cheating fucks.I wanna chop your fucking balls off and that breaks my heart Izz. I loved you bro. You were one of my best friends, bandmate, and like a brother to me. But you hurt me more than anyone, Slash aside. How could you do that to me? How do you live with yourself?"

"A 10cc love affair," I feel the needs to throw in. That's how Izzy did the things he did. Heroin made you just not give a fuck. Not who you hurt. Not who it affected. You have lost your fucking soul. I zzy is gone, all we have is a numb junkie with no morals, self control, or caring about the people who care about him the most.

Izzy grips at his head and starts to wail. " I told you I was no good.you should have let me just end it. Baby I hate hurting you. I hate hurting Duff, I hate Slash hurting Duff. But Slash is the only onr who gets how I feel. And I get how he feels."

"That's no Fucking excuse!" Duff blurts gripping Izzy gun so tight in his hand his knuckles turn white. In this moment I'm afraid his cokeed rage will wanna do something stupid like pull that trigger. Then he slams the gun in my hand. "I don't have time for this, I've got my own junkie to deal with." Then he opens the elevator and storms out.

Izzy manages to pull himself up with the handrail. He's looking at me with a hurtful look. I don't want to feel remorseful, but he's crumpled up and bleeding. "Come on, go get cleaned up," I sigh and motuion for him to exit the elevator.

I could tell he was in pain by the way he shuffled his way down the hall using the wall as support. I reach my door and give him a glance. "I'm so sorry for breaking your heart. It won't happen again."

I roll my eyes having heard all this before. I shove myself into my room and lock the door. I glance down at my arms and see a spray of Izzy's blood up it. I go to the bathroom and turn on the faucet. I stick my arm under it and rub briskly until the blood is gone. 'It'll never happen again' kept ringing in my ears. What did he really mean by that?

Fuck him, I think as I shut the water off and sling the water from my fingertips. If the little shit wants Slash he can have him. I'm so fucking done with his drugs and self absorbed nature. Sick of his empty lies and broken promises. How could he tell me he loves me all those times? Who the fuck was i fooling? He didn't love me.

'It'll never happen again.-

Damn right it won't! He's out of chances with me. I love him, god knows I do, but loving him hurts too much anymore. I just wanna be free of his spell. I don't want to be addicted to him anymore. I'll never know if I can ever trust him again. Tonight, the part of him I held so sacred died.

'It'll never happen again.'

My eyes shoot to the door. A twinge of fear bubbles in my guts. I race for my door and exit out in the hall. I go to Izzy's room next door. I think about knocking, but instead I try to quietly turn the knob it's locked. Another wave of fear creeks through me. I fish for my wallet and bring out a credit card. I slide it between the doors locking mechanism and push it open effortlessly. It's pitch black and silent. The only light was coming from under the bathroom door.

'It'll never happen again.'

I softly open the door. I find Izzy on his knees in the middle of the floor. He is shirtless. His eyes strain in determined concentration down at his arms. Typical, he's shooting up. But then I notice drops of blood on the tile surrounding him. I come closer for a better look. He isn't shooting up. He's dragging a rusted razorblade up his arm. It tears open his skin a little deeper with each swipe.

This is what he meant by 'it'll never happened again'. I rush to him and throw my arms around him! "Izzy no!' I struggle with him and wrangle the blade from his hand." What the fuck are you doing?"

"I can't live without you," he whispers before I feel him shaking in my arms.

I pull him up and drag him to the sink. I cut on the water and stick his arm under it. "This little tactic won't work this time Izzy." I say as I was the blood from his arm and hands. "Who the fuck are you? My Izzy is stronger than this." I grab a towel and wrap it around his arms. " Me and this Izzy are done. Do you understand me?"

"Baby please," he looks to me with desperate eyes.

"No," I shake my head, " You don't love me anymore. You can't even love yourself. You've made a mess of your life, my life, the bands life....fuck, even your family. You think I'm gonna stick around for your fall out? I'm done Izzy. Fucking done. I don't want you dead. I don't want you to leave the band. I just want you to get it the fuck together. If you pull a stupid stunt like this again ill have management throw you in a but hour. When you find the Izzy I love, you let me know. Till then, go to hell."

And I walked out leaving him there. I went back to my room and ate a hand full of Valium to sleep. The next morning the phone ringing woke me. It was Doug. Izzy was missing.