Categories > Celebrities > Guns n' Roses > Through The Eyes Of...
Izzy
I’m so sick of my whole fucking life right now. I’m tired of Axl treating me like shit, I’m tired of watching Duff and Slash hanging all over each other all the time, it fucking hurts. I’m tired of how much my heart aches, I’m just fucking tired of everything. We just got into San Antonio this afternoon and we have a show tomorrow night but we’re free for the rest of the day. Axl just fucking yelled at me for nothing and Slash and Duff spent most of the ride here cuddled up in the back lounge with their tongues down each other’s throats. I want Slash to be happy but seeing them together after having him as my own even if it was for a short time. I loved him, I loved Axl, maybe if Axl wasn’t such a dick half the time I wouldn’t still be mooning over Slash. Fuck, I just want him to love me. So, I do what I always do when I don’t want to feel pain: I shoot up. I hide in a stall in the public bathroom of the hotel so that I don’t have to hear Axl’s shit and cook up my fix and shoot it into a vein on the back of my arm. It obliterates all of the pain and other unpleasant emotions and replaces them with numbness and a pleasant warmth.
I go to the hotel bar and order a drink and everything’s good for about 20 minutes and then the hell of cotton fever hits. I’m fucking wracked with chills so bad that I can hardly move my body’s shivering so hard. My face is burning at the same time and my muscles are weak and tense. Cotton fever comes from an endotoxin in the cotton that serves to filter the smack when I draw it up, you never really know when it’s going to hit. I throw some money on the bar and then stumble down the hall towards the elevators. I freezing but I’m sweating and nauseated and it’s all I can do to force myself to walk; I’m so fucking cold and my body’s so tense trying to keep warm that I can hardly move. I reach the lobby and hit the button for the elevator and lean against the wall to wait for it. When the door opens I stumble in with my teeth chattering and am immediately confronted with Slash and Duff who must be on their way out; god damnit. I guess it’s obvious that something’s wrong because they both look alarmed and Slash reaches out to steady me as I clumsily make my way into the elevator. “Izzy what’s wrong?” he asks in a worried voice.
“Fucking cotton fever,” I reply through chattering teeth.
“Ugh, that shit’s the worst. We’ll help you get back to your room, is Axl there?” Slash questions.
“I don’t know,” I tell him. I lean up against the wall and Duff pushes the button for our floor. When we get out of the elevator he surprises me by slinging my arm over his shoulder and helping me down the hall. “Thanks,” I stammer.
“You’re welcome, it’s no big deal. I know how bad cotton fever makes you feel, I’ve helped Slash get through it enough times,” he replies. We get back to the room and Slash opens the door. Axl’s not there for some reason. Slash and Duff get me into bed, get my boots off, and cover me up so that I can get warm. Even then I have to curl up into a little ball to get some warmth. “Ibuprofin, Izzy, do you have any?” Duff asks.
“Yeah, bathroom sink in the black bag,” I answer through chattering teeth.
Slash sits down beside me and makes sure the blankets are completely covering me and gently feels my forehead. “You’re pretty hot Izzy, do you want a cold rag for your head?” he asks.
“Y..y..yeah,” I stammer. Just don’t leave me here alone ok? You two stay with me? At least until Axl comes back,” I plead.
“We’ll stay Izzy, don’t worry,” he soothes. Duff comes out of the bathroom with four ibuprofin and a glass of water and I sit up and down them before curling up again under the blankets.
Just then the door opens and I hear Axl say “What the?” before he gets to the end of the short hallway in front of the door and sees me curled up and shivering in bed. He doesn’t even ask what’s wrong his face just goes dark with rage and he says “God damnit Izzy what the fuck’s wrong with you now? Are you fucking dope sick again?” Again? I haven’t been dope sick in weeks; Duff’s wife seems to have a never ending supply of great dope which she sells at a very reasonable price.
“It’s cotton fever Axl, calm down,” Duff says, trying to soothe my enraged boyfriend.
Unfortunately it has the opposite effect and Axl starts cursing me up one side and down the other for being a junkie pain in his ass. This doesn’t sit well with Slash who’s on Axl before I even have time to blink. He jerks him up by his shirt collar and growls down at him: “Do NOT speak to him like that!”
Axl kicks him in response so that Slash will let go of him; big mistake as this is bound to bring the wrath of Duff. Sure enough Duff grabs Axl’s arm and drags him, protesting, out into the hallway. I don’t know if we’re supposed to hear what Duff says to Axl or if he’s just loud because he’s pissed but Slash and I can both hear him through the wall. He basically tells him that he was there with him in the room the morning that Slash and I got together and that he knows how upset he was and that now Axl has another chance to make things right with me and that he’d better damn well take advantage of it and treat me right and stop being an asshole because all he was doing was driving me away by acting like that and driving me straight back towards Slash and that he had no intention of losing Slash to me again and that he was doing everything he could possibly do to make Slash happy and that Axl needed to do the same thing. Slash and I just look at each other and he shakes his head in mock exasperation at the two of them and softly wipes down my sweaty forehead. “Feeling any better yet Izzy?” he asks and I shake my head. He nods and strokes my dripping hair off of my forehead. I just close my eyes and sigh; his touch is killing me because it’s all I want to feel and he belongs to somebody else. Ok, I’d love to feel Axl touching me that gently too but he won’t.
In the hallway I hear Duff ask Axl if he loves me and Axl doesn’t hesitate; he says that he loves me more than anything. Then Duff asks him if being a jerk to me about being an addict has ever worked, even once in all these years and Axl admits that it hasn’t. So Duff tells him to stop being so hateful and try being kind once in a while, that a little affection goes a long way which is very, very, true. Duff reminds Axl that the one time he acted like a raging jerk to Slash that it hurt him so much that he left him and ended up with me, who had been treating him the way Duff should have been. Duff asks Axl why he would want to be so hateful to me anyway if he loved me as much as he said he did and Axl’s quiet for a minute and then says that he doesn’t like treating me that way but that it just comes out before he can stop it and he admits he needs to work on that. Duff asks him if he’s ready to come back and take care of me the way someone who loved me would and Axl sighs and says yes and a few seconds later they walk into the room. Slash and I act like we didn’t hear a word of what went on in the hallway and Axl walks over to the bed. Slash gets up so that he can sit down and he and Duff quietly leave. I look up at Axl. “Going to yell at me some more?” I ask him dryly.
Axl sighs deeply and takes a second to collect himself before he answers. “Izzy, I shouldn’t have yelled at you and I’m sorry. Duff told me that I need to start dealing with this differently and he’s right, me being a jerk to you hasn’t worked in all these years and it’s not like it’s going to start now. I’m sorry baby, it shouldn’t have taken Duff to tell me and make me realize how badly I was making you feel. Izz...I’ve got you back and I don’t want you to leave again because I’m being a jerk; it’s just most of the time I yell at you before I even have time to really think about what I’m saying...but that’s no excuse.”
He looks at me like he wants me to say something but I’m too sick and I don’t really have anything to say to such an obvious statement. So I just raise my eyebrows at Axl and say “No shit.” He just looks back at me and strokes my hair the way Slash had a few minutes before. I close my eyes and enjoy it; it feels just as good coming from him as it does from Slash.
A few seconds later he takes his shoes off and climbs into the bed next to me and pulls me over onto his chest. I love the way he smells; like cinnamon and strawberry shampoo and I breathe in that comforting scent and feel myself relax a little. I’m not sure if he’ll be able to follow through on what he said about going about handling my addiction differently but we’ll see. Right now it’s just nice to have him holding me and giving me some much needed affection. Right now, despite how awful I feel I’m happy.
I’m so sick of my whole fucking life right now. I’m tired of Axl treating me like shit, I’m tired of watching Duff and Slash hanging all over each other all the time, it fucking hurts. I’m tired of how much my heart aches, I’m just fucking tired of everything. We just got into San Antonio this afternoon and we have a show tomorrow night but we’re free for the rest of the day. Axl just fucking yelled at me for nothing and Slash and Duff spent most of the ride here cuddled up in the back lounge with their tongues down each other’s throats. I want Slash to be happy but seeing them together after having him as my own even if it was for a short time. I loved him, I loved Axl, maybe if Axl wasn’t such a dick half the time I wouldn’t still be mooning over Slash. Fuck, I just want him to love me. So, I do what I always do when I don’t want to feel pain: I shoot up. I hide in a stall in the public bathroom of the hotel so that I don’t have to hear Axl’s shit and cook up my fix and shoot it into a vein on the back of my arm. It obliterates all of the pain and other unpleasant emotions and replaces them with numbness and a pleasant warmth.
I go to the hotel bar and order a drink and everything’s good for about 20 minutes and then the hell of cotton fever hits. I’m fucking wracked with chills so bad that I can hardly move my body’s shivering so hard. My face is burning at the same time and my muscles are weak and tense. Cotton fever comes from an endotoxin in the cotton that serves to filter the smack when I draw it up, you never really know when it’s going to hit. I throw some money on the bar and then stumble down the hall towards the elevators. I freezing but I’m sweating and nauseated and it’s all I can do to force myself to walk; I’m so fucking cold and my body’s so tense trying to keep warm that I can hardly move. I reach the lobby and hit the button for the elevator and lean against the wall to wait for it. When the door opens I stumble in with my teeth chattering and am immediately confronted with Slash and Duff who must be on their way out; god damnit. I guess it’s obvious that something’s wrong because they both look alarmed and Slash reaches out to steady me as I clumsily make my way into the elevator. “Izzy what’s wrong?” he asks in a worried voice.
“Fucking cotton fever,” I reply through chattering teeth.
“Ugh, that shit’s the worst. We’ll help you get back to your room, is Axl there?” Slash questions.
“I don’t know,” I tell him. I lean up against the wall and Duff pushes the button for our floor. When we get out of the elevator he surprises me by slinging my arm over his shoulder and helping me down the hall. “Thanks,” I stammer.
“You’re welcome, it’s no big deal. I know how bad cotton fever makes you feel, I’ve helped Slash get through it enough times,” he replies. We get back to the room and Slash opens the door. Axl’s not there for some reason. Slash and Duff get me into bed, get my boots off, and cover me up so that I can get warm. Even then I have to curl up into a little ball to get some warmth. “Ibuprofin, Izzy, do you have any?” Duff asks.
“Yeah, bathroom sink in the black bag,” I answer through chattering teeth.
Slash sits down beside me and makes sure the blankets are completely covering me and gently feels my forehead. “You’re pretty hot Izzy, do you want a cold rag for your head?” he asks.
“Y..y..yeah,” I stammer. Just don’t leave me here alone ok? You two stay with me? At least until Axl comes back,” I plead.
“We’ll stay Izzy, don’t worry,” he soothes. Duff comes out of the bathroom with four ibuprofin and a glass of water and I sit up and down them before curling up again under the blankets.
Just then the door opens and I hear Axl say “What the?” before he gets to the end of the short hallway in front of the door and sees me curled up and shivering in bed. He doesn’t even ask what’s wrong his face just goes dark with rage and he says “God damnit Izzy what the fuck’s wrong with you now? Are you fucking dope sick again?” Again? I haven’t been dope sick in weeks; Duff’s wife seems to have a never ending supply of great dope which she sells at a very reasonable price.
“It’s cotton fever Axl, calm down,” Duff says, trying to soothe my enraged boyfriend.
Unfortunately it has the opposite effect and Axl starts cursing me up one side and down the other for being a junkie pain in his ass. This doesn’t sit well with Slash who’s on Axl before I even have time to blink. He jerks him up by his shirt collar and growls down at him: “Do NOT speak to him like that!”
Axl kicks him in response so that Slash will let go of him; big mistake as this is bound to bring the wrath of Duff. Sure enough Duff grabs Axl’s arm and drags him, protesting, out into the hallway. I don’t know if we’re supposed to hear what Duff says to Axl or if he’s just loud because he’s pissed but Slash and I can both hear him through the wall. He basically tells him that he was there with him in the room the morning that Slash and I got together and that he knows how upset he was and that now Axl has another chance to make things right with me and that he’d better damn well take advantage of it and treat me right and stop being an asshole because all he was doing was driving me away by acting like that and driving me straight back towards Slash and that he had no intention of losing Slash to me again and that he was doing everything he could possibly do to make Slash happy and that Axl needed to do the same thing. Slash and I just look at each other and he shakes his head in mock exasperation at the two of them and softly wipes down my sweaty forehead. “Feeling any better yet Izzy?” he asks and I shake my head. He nods and strokes my dripping hair off of my forehead. I just close my eyes and sigh; his touch is killing me because it’s all I want to feel and he belongs to somebody else. Ok, I’d love to feel Axl touching me that gently too but he won’t.
In the hallway I hear Duff ask Axl if he loves me and Axl doesn’t hesitate; he says that he loves me more than anything. Then Duff asks him if being a jerk to me about being an addict has ever worked, even once in all these years and Axl admits that it hasn’t. So Duff tells him to stop being so hateful and try being kind once in a while, that a little affection goes a long way which is very, very, true. Duff reminds Axl that the one time he acted like a raging jerk to Slash that it hurt him so much that he left him and ended up with me, who had been treating him the way Duff should have been. Duff asks Axl why he would want to be so hateful to me anyway if he loved me as much as he said he did and Axl’s quiet for a minute and then says that he doesn’t like treating me that way but that it just comes out before he can stop it and he admits he needs to work on that. Duff asks him if he’s ready to come back and take care of me the way someone who loved me would and Axl sighs and says yes and a few seconds later they walk into the room. Slash and I act like we didn’t hear a word of what went on in the hallway and Axl walks over to the bed. Slash gets up so that he can sit down and he and Duff quietly leave. I look up at Axl. “Going to yell at me some more?” I ask him dryly.
Axl sighs deeply and takes a second to collect himself before he answers. “Izzy, I shouldn’t have yelled at you and I’m sorry. Duff told me that I need to start dealing with this differently and he’s right, me being a jerk to you hasn’t worked in all these years and it’s not like it’s going to start now. I’m sorry baby, it shouldn’t have taken Duff to tell me and make me realize how badly I was making you feel. Izz...I’ve got you back and I don’t want you to leave again because I’m being a jerk; it’s just most of the time I yell at you before I even have time to really think about what I’m saying...but that’s no excuse.”
He looks at me like he wants me to say something but I’m too sick and I don’t really have anything to say to such an obvious statement. So I just raise my eyebrows at Axl and say “No shit.” He just looks back at me and strokes my hair the way Slash had a few minutes before. I close my eyes and enjoy it; it feels just as good coming from him as it does from Slash.
A few seconds later he takes his shoes off and climbs into the bed next to me and pulls me over onto his chest. I love the way he smells; like cinnamon and strawberry shampoo and I breathe in that comforting scent and feel myself relax a little. I’m not sure if he’ll be able to follow through on what he said about going about handling my addiction differently but we’ll see. Right now it’s just nice to have him holding me and giving me some much needed affection. Right now, despite how awful I feel I’m happy.
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