A bit of a crack fic. . . Kon has a favor to ask of Ishida, and the Quincy can't help but go along. Um, StuffedKonIshida with IchigoIshida implied.
I bring you crack! Hopefully amusing crack. Read and enjoy!
Ishida liked to sew. In fact, he was quite good at it. These were things well known to everyone, including one fluffy little stuffed lion. Kon had overheard some girls speaking (while hidden in Ichigo's backpack) about the sewing Quincy boy.
"Ishida-kun is so talented! When he repaired my skirt I couldn't even tell it had been ripped in the first place!"
"I know! My little Eiko-chan is even better looking then before. It's like Ishida-kun put his heart into every stitch so that Eiko-chan would be a better stuffed animal when he was done."
"Exactly! He uses his very soul in his skill and gives each project his very best. Why, I bet he could even make an stuffed animal come to life is he really wanted to."
Kon didn't need to "come to life", but there was something he had been dreaming of for a while now. With such praiseful accolades and the truth of Ishida's own sewing ability having been evident to him frequently, Kon finally made up his mind. While Ichigo, Ishida, and the others went up to the roof for lunch, Kon stealthily jumped ship from Ichigo's backpack and scampered into Ishida's, making sure to wedge himself behind textbooks and notebooks so the Quincy wouldn't discover him until it was too late and they were in his home. His plan worked perfectly, except the trip home was delayed by a Hollow attack. Of course Ichigo knew about the Hollow too and Kon was sure he'd get a thorough talking to after he made his way back to the Kurosaki building. But sacrifices had to be made for his ambition to come true! Inside the bag, Kon was jostled about and eventually chucked into a convenient corner somewhere. It was annoying not to know what was going on, but when the bag was picked up again some hours later, Kon figured the Hollow had been disposed of and everyone was still alive.
When Ishida did arrive at his apartment he didn't open his school bag up again, heading straight for the shower instead. Kon struggled and squirmed as much as he could, but Ishida's zipper was having none of it and Kon was stuck inside until Ishida decided to open his bag up to do homework or something. Then again, Kon could always force his hand.
Ishida was out of the shower and pointing a weapon into his opened bag so fast that even Kon was impressed. With a sweatdrop aimed at the glowing Quincy arrow not two inches from his head, Kon gave a feeble wave. His only answer was the eerily evil reflection from Ishida's glasses and a dollop of shampoo dripping onto the floor next to his foot. Did he shower with those glasses on?
". . . What exactly are you doing in my bag?" The voice was pure ice. Kon ignored the burning Quincy energy and hopped out of the bag, dusting himself off as calm as could be. Fluffed up and ready for action, Kon cleared his throat and looked up into Ishida's face.
"I have a favor to ask you."
Faced with Kon's arrogance and the strangeness of the situation, Ishida couldn't help but lower his weapon and raise one of his thin, arched eyebrows, waiting for the stuffed lion to go on.
"I want you to make me a man."
Those thin eyebrows now disappeared above Ishida's hairline and the blue energy faltered before petering out. If Kon wasn't mistaking, there was a definite reddish hue cast on those pale cheeks as well.
"Now, listen, I don't know what Kurosaki tells you, but I am not interested in performing intimate activities on a stuffed animal. Just go back into that bag and I will give you back to Kurosaki during class tomorrow." Ishida turned away from the little lion and started walking back to the shower so he could finish rinsing and put more then a towel on, but Kon leapt up and latched onto the archer's neck.
"Nonono! I don't want you to DO anything to me, I just want you to sew a penis on me so I can finally be a man!"
And that was the end of that conversation for the night as far as Ishida was concerned. The Quincy shoved Kon back in his school bag, then chucked the whole thing into the tiny front closet. It was true his homework would be sacrificed, but Ishida was bright enough that he could fill in the answers during class after he gave that wayward creature back to his owner.
However, Kon was not one to give up that easily.
The noises started low and whiny, much like a dog who's been bad and locked in the bathroom so its owner doesn't have to deal with the dog and whatever mess it created. When that didn't work, he tried high pitched and screeching, hardly taking time for breath and just assaulting the apartment with his noise. Tired of hearing his own voice wailing away, Kon tried singing next. It was too bad that he actually had a respectable singing voice and after about 45 minutes of singing television theme songs, Kon stopped when he heard a faint voice singing along with him for some of them. There was no way Ishida was supposed to be enjoying this, it was supposed to be torture! So it was back to the wailing, whining, shrieking, and caterwauling.
Never let it be said that Ishida Uryuu is not a stubborn bastard. Kon had almost started to think he'd never get a penis at this rate when he came up with the ultimate plan that would certainly get the Quincy boy to let him out of the bag.
"Oh! OH YES! ISHIDA OH GOD YES!! HARDER!! DON'T STOP!! OOOOOoooOOoOoOOoOOOOoH!!!"
And like magic Kon was out of his tiny prison and slammed into a wall with Ishida's fist stuffed in his fluffy little mouth. Surely the Quincy thought his death glare was threatening and fierce, but when one lived with the eternally scowling boy, that kind of look tended not to work anymore. Kon just blinked innocently at the boy pinning him to the wall and waited for the fist to exit his mouth so he could plead his case again.
"What exactly," Ishida hissed "did you think you were doing? I have neighbors. Old lady neighbors. Old lady neighbors who will now be gossiping and looking at me strangely whenever I try to enter my apartment." Kon just snorted and rolled his eyes. Like those same neighbors wouldn't look at him weird anyway. When Ishida's eye started twitching, Kon tried the innocent look again. Ishida obviously wasn't buying it but at least he finally took his hand out of the stuffed lion's mouth.
Kon wasted no time. "Please please please you have to do this for me! You're the only one who has enough talent to make it work! Everyone at that school praises your skills - they say you stitch with your soul and the stuff you do almost seems to come alive because of it. So obviously I need you to use that kind of talent so that what you sew onto me comes alive as well." Kon noted the green tinge to Ishida's face as that comment registered, but went on anyway. "And I will keep yelling and screaming and doing whatever I need to until you give me a penis!"
Slowly the pressure eased off of Kon's neck and he slid to the floor with a quiet thump. Ishida brought his hand to his face, stroking his chin in serious thought. Waiting anxiously for a good response, Kon kept quiet so as not to push the Quincy into refusing his request. Finally there was a "hmph" and Ishida looked down at the bundle of stuffing on his living room floor.
"Your threats mean nothing to me. I could always tie you up and gag you if it came down to that. However, the challenge does intrigue me. I wonder if it's even possible to sew an addition onto you that would function properly? It would be. . . interesting to try."
And so Ishida gave in to Kon's demands, though he would never admit to that and instead swear that it was a challenge to be tried with mutual benefit if successful. Besides, if it didn't work, then Kon was the one who would have a ridiculous add-on and no hurt would come to Ishida.
With an almost scary efficiency, Kon was laid out on a table, measured, and color categorized. It wouldn't do to have off color stitching or cloth for a perfectionist like the Quincy. When the big moment came and the needle was threaded, Ishida hesitated.
"Will this. . . hurt?" Shit. Kon hadn't thought about that part. He put on an awful frown and thought about it real hard.
"Well, poke me right now with your needle and let's find - OUCH!" So it did hurt.
"Is there some way to knock you out? I don't want to have to deal with you yelping and thrashing about while I work. I need a still subject to get things done right."
"Well, you could always take out my mod soul and work on me like a normal stuffed lion," Kon answered thoughtfully. Then again, maybe the body needed to have a soul in it for any additions to work right. He opened his mouth to take back his solution, but Ishida used that as an opportunity to reach inside and then the world went black.
When Kon woke up he didn't feel any different, but there was a smirking Quincy above him so everything must have gone as planned. "You do know you'll have to wear pants of some sort from now on or risk scarring Kurosaki's little sister for life. Although a nice flared skirt or dress would cover that up just the same as pants."
Kon looked down.
"Yatta! You did it! I'm a man!" Kon grabbed Ishida's hands and proceeded to do a sort of spinning celebration dance, though it was more of a one-sided twirl since Ishida was having none of it. Kon didn't care, he was too enthralled with watching his new body part flop around as he hopped around. There was even a set of perfect little balls underneath!
"Stop prancing about and tell me if it worked already," Ishida demanded, ripping his fingers from Kon's grasp. The lion stopped and blinked.
"How do I figure that out?"
Impatient and embarrassed to have been asked a question like that, Ishida reached down and ran an elegant pale finger along the underside of Kon's cloth addition. To both boys' shock, Kon let out a groan and the little piece of stuffed cloth rose and seemed to fluff up more.
"What. . ."
"Oh! Oh, do that again!"
It was out of curiosity only - despite his rather odd hobbies Ishida truly did not have any sexual interest in stuffed animals - that he reached down again and this time gripped the appendage between his finger and thumb, pumping up and down once.
"More! More!" Kon was on his back now, thrusting his little brown hips up in the air and Ishida couldn't help himself. He kept stroking up and down, using his other fingers to fondle the cloth balls he'd sewn on not 15 minutes before. The pants and vocal pleading coming from Kon sounded very familiar and a bright thatch of orange hair flashed through Ishida's mind. He worked on Kon even harder then before, much to the lion's enjoyment.
With it being his first time experiencing such pleasure, Kon didn't hold out much longer. With an explosive cry, the stuffed lion jolted up and clutched his arms around Ishida's hand, pumping into his fingers a few last times before melting back to the table and murmuring sweet nothings to the air. Ishida examined his fingers and found a little puff of fluff sitting neatly on the tip of his index finger. That was. . . unexpected, yet utterly amusing in its own way. He gently blew the stuffing off his finger and watched it land next to the contented lion.
"You know if you do that too often you'll lose all your stuffing. I'd be careful about it if I were you," Ishida warned, though his target didn't seem to be listening or to care if he was. Instead Kon just rolled on his side and gazed adoringly up at Ishida.
"Maaa, you're good at that. No wonder Ichigo always calls out your name."
"Kurosaki. . . does what now?" he asked, keeping his tone as even as possible with the sudden rush of images flooding his brain. Before he jumped to any dirty conclusions, Ishida wanted to make sure he understood that correctly. He really hoped he had understood that correctly.
Kon seemed nonplussed about the whole thing. "At night, when he thinks everyone is asleep , Ichigo does to himself whatever you just did to me and calls out your name when he's done. That's the other reason I came to you for this, besides your sewing that is. If you can make Ichigo moan like he does, then I knew you'd have what it took to really make me a man."
"Kurosaki moans my name?" Ishida said to himself in a daze. Oh this was just too good. The daze cleared away and the patented Quincy smirk took its place. "Well then Kon, I think perhaps we should make a late night visit to the Kurosaki residence in order to return you. And then perhaps that idiot and I can. . . work some things out."
And so Kon found himself slung back into Ishida's bag and on his way back to his home. Still exhausted from his new experience as being a man, Kon was almost asleep by the time Ishida had walked to the Kurosaki clinic, but he poked his head up when a cranky "What the hell do you want" came from the door.
Ishida threw Kon through the opening and positioned himself directly in front of Ichigo, less then half an inch of space between them. When Ishida leaned over to the Shinigami's ear he could feel Ichigo stop breathing.
"I want the same thing you want, Kurosaki." The pair locked eyes, trying to confirm that they both were thinking the same thing. Ichigo still seemed unsure and was about to back away and make some scathing remark to diffuse the situation when Ishida cupped a hand on top Ichigo's crotch. With a strangled moan Ichigo grabbed the Quincy in his arms and flipped him over a shoulder, carrying him up the stairs in a mad rush.
"What the hell! Kurosaki put me down!"
"No way. I'm not letting you get away now."
Kon watched them go around the corner and heard a door slam. He then proceeded to hear noises very similar to what he'd been spewing out not long ago. Sighing, Kon picked himself up and started walking to the stairs when Yuzu walked out of the kitchen with a glass of water in her hands. Kon dropped dead to the floor and waited for her to pass. Unfortunately she tripped on him instead.
"Oof! Oh no! Now I have to clean that up. What did I trip on?" she looked down at the floor. "Oh! It's you! How did you get down he-EEK!!!"
Karin came down later - after having found her father trying to shove a whole box of tissue up his nose - with a pillow around her ears to block out the noise coming from Ichigo's room, only to find her sister passed out on the floor with an anatomically correct stuffed lion in her arms. Resigned that this was just not her night, Karin put her sister on the couch, threw the lion into the closet, and wandered into the clinic portion of their home to finally get some rest.
Normally Kon would have been annoyed to be thrown in a closet, but now he finally had something to do with himself in the dark.
Two days later, the stuffed lion came to Ishida again, rather floppy and weak.
"I warned you not to do it too much."