While stuck in the hospital after the coup, Mustang's mind often wanders to his two blond Lieutenants and the relationship he shares with both of them.
- I enjoyed this story, and rather like the concept of "counterbalance" that you created between day/night, Riza/Havoc, coolness/closeness, and so on. I'm not entirely sure that the Mustang we know would let both of these people in, let alone one of them, but it's fascinating to speculate. One tiny little thing leaped out at me in the first paragraph that you might consider, to smooth out your style a bit: you used the words "day" or "days" five times in that one paragraph alone. It's usually better not to let that sort of repetition creep in, unless it's to create a deliberate, specific effect. So you might consider some synonyms, or a slight rephrasing, to avoid that repetition, because it does make the eye catch and keep it from reading smoothly.
Author's responseThank you for taking the time to give such a helpful review!
On the contrary, I believe that if Mustang chose to let anyone into his life, it would be one of his subordinates. After this point I think he would be too distrusting of any other person to let him or her into his life in such a personal way; he trusts them above all others, so I think he'd rather let in someone he trusted than someone he'd just met and didn't trust.
Thanks for catching that; I'll take a look at it sometime and edit it, and keep it in mind for the future.
(#) Minervamaga 2007-01-15 01:45:54 PMWow...This is very good! Normally I do not read Roy/Havoc, being a Roiai and Roiedo fan, but this was good! You have a beautiful way of describing the relationships that Roy has with each of the lieutenants. I applaude you for a job very well done!