How to solve life's problems
Everyday, people run into problems, problems that need solutions. These problems can be as simple as needing some more milk or as complex as one of your wings falling off mid-flight. But no matter what or how dangerous the problem is, there are two things that can solve anything. Duct Tape and Ninjas. Most of the time, you will only need one or the other, such as in the case of needing milk. The Duct Tape method would be to duct tape yourself sticky-side out and simply wander through the store. The milk will become attached to you and therefore, you will lack the ability to leave the store without it. The ninja method would be to send in your ninja to 'skillfully acquire' before anyone notices that we have ninjas in Alberta. There are some cases however, when a combination of the duct tape and the ninja method, known as the duct-ja method, is required. This method has also been referred to as the "if this doesn't work, we're all going to die" method. Such is the case with your wing falling off. The only solution to this problem is to have to the ninja duct tape it back on before you fall to the ground. Oh yes, they're that fast.
So by now your all probably wondering where you can find these magnificent methods. Well, duct tape is fairly simple, all you have to do is visit your local Canadian Tire and pick out a few rolls in your favorite color. Yes ladies, they now come in hot pink.
Acquiring your own ninja however, is rather tricky, especially in Alberta, because they all disguise themselves as cowboys. They are fairly easy to spot amongst normal cowboys, provided you are looking for the right signs.
Some noticeable features are:
1) Ninja's never get hurt, no matter how many cows they get kicked by.
2) Ninja's wear masks at all times
3) Ninja's frequently run across rooftops instead of walking on the ground like a normal cowboy.
When capturing a ninja, it is vital that you proceed with utmost caution and have all the necessary equipment. You can pick up the book: "Ninja Nets for Dummies" at your local ninja hunting store. It is also recommended that you bring along a pirate. Since ninja's and pirates have been sworn enemies since the day they both came into existence, any ninja, upon seeing a pirate, will be forced to attack it instead of you. This will allow you to sneak up behind the ninja and capture it with your hand made ninja-net.
You can take classes such as "Ninja Capture 101," "Ninja Star Dodging" and "How to trick your friends into dressing up as pirates" to help improve your ninja hunting skills.
However, it is recommended that anyone between the ages of 13-84, 8-12 or 65-104 should not participate in ninja hunting. If this is you, I suggest you 'stick' to the Duct Tape Method. For the rest of you, happy ninja hunting, but never give up on duct tape to solve your everyday problems.
this was a speech I did for cadets last year, hope you enjoyed reading it.