Okita spills tea. Written for Canis M.
- I was intrigued by your style. At first glance I didn't think something so formal; almost clipped, could convey any great depth of emotion. I am happy to be proven wrong. The directness actually seems completely appropriate. This is a story about men after all, and soldiers at that. The lack of flowery descriptions fits perfectly with the use of formal names and their combined fondness for the subtleties of haiku. I did notice that you used full colons when semi-colons might have worked better, and the one semi-colon you did use should probably have been a period. Each half stands well on it's own. With those two exceptions I'd say this is one of the best written pieces I've read in a long time, grammatically and in content.
My favorite line; "As he reaches for the overturned cup he sees ink on paper flowering into a greyish bloom."
As someone who tends to be very "wordy", I really appreciate how much you've managed to say in just that one small sentence.