Show me someone who says they're able to control their feelings and I show you a bloody liar.
A bedroom, a female figure lying under the sheets, sleeping. She wakes up as a man enters the room, rubbing his damp hair with a towel and whistling gayly.
"Ha, I wish I could sleep in like that," he says and sits down next to the woman.
"Pete... are you leaving already?" watching him pull up his jeans, she sits up.
"Yup, got business to attend to."
She smiles, still sleepy, "I was wondering... could I maybe come to a pratice sometime?" Her voice is hesitant and somewhat hushed.
He checks himself in the mirror and tugs on his shirt. Then he turns around, "EsmÃ©, haven't we talked about this before?" He sounds as if he were trying to appease a small child. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"But why not, Peter? We're getting along so well and-"
He creases his eyebrows together, "Baby, all we do is have sex. And I quite like it that way. You don't even know if we'd get along out of bed."
"And don't you wanna find out?" she appears more self-confident now, almost challenging him.
"EsmÃ©, I never lied to you about this or did I? You always knew it was just something physical..." He sounds bored and slightly annoyed.
"I know, I know," she's quick to answer.
"I don't want a relationship now, ok? Take it or leave it."
She looks shocked about the sudden aggression in his voice. As she wants to place a hand on his upper arm he gets up, either not noticing her wish to touch him or simply trying to avoid it. He walks towards the door and turns around on the threshold, reluctantly saying, "I'll call you... if you want me to, that is."
She just nods, her expression is blank.
This hadn't been the first time she had dropped a hint about wanting to spend more time with me, about trying to get more involved in my life. Maybe it was my fault, I shouldn't have spent the night. I didn't think about the consequences of such an action though. Usually I left after we were finished. We always met in her apartment. It would have been impossible to bring her home; when you're living with your parents you always feel like a teenager, no matter how old you are. In fact, I didn't mind that we couldn't go to my place. It enabled me to draw a clear line between her and the rest of my life.
I hadn't called her, something more important always came in the way. And then I went to the party with Joe. Woke up in here. I wonder if she knew about my... condition. Did she try to contact the guys? My parents? No, that was ridiculous.
Even though I can't quite put my finger on when exactly EsmÃ© started to show more than just physical interest in me, after some time I noticed that what we had going on was not enough for her. She wasn't begging though, that was not her style. I bet her looks and charms have opened many doors for her without even having to say "please". We did have quite some things in common. She wouldn't sell herself short for anyone, I think. She knew what she was worth. She never told me she needed me or that she missed me, I could tell she was trying hard to not get too attached. I'm pretty sure I'm not the first guy she's had a purely sexual relationship with but I was probably the first one she developed romantic feelings for.
But that surely wasn't my fault, I wasn't trying to win her over or anything. I had already had her in bed and I wasn't looking for more. The thing is I didn't want to have a serious relationship, one that takes hard work and patience on the sides of both involved. That's simply impossible when you're in a successful band. And it's also impossible when you're too caught up in yourself. EsmÃ© is guilty of that as well. All the potions and lotions in her bathroom, all her expensive dresses. She had a new haircut almost every time we met.
I wasn't willing to keep a serious relationship alive, or even give it a try. But I also wasn't willing to be alone. Patrick, Joe and Andy were great friends, honestly, my closest ones but not my only ones though, but there's just something missing without a woman in my life. Even though I didn't really want to share more than just intimate moments with EsmÃ© there was something positively familiar and reassuring about meeting her again and again. Just then did I realize that I had missed having a female who knew how to make sense of Peter Wentz. Some kind of continuity, I guess. To make me feel welcome, and perhaps let me forget for a few hours what kind of fuck-up I really am.
There's nothing wrong about having an exclusively sexual relationship with someone. As long as everybody involved knows the facts and is fine with them. And she said she was fine. In fact, after the first time she said she wouldn't have it any other way. However, some things do change over time and it's often beyond human control to stop those changes from happening.
I know that I wouldn't have met her again if I she hadn't given me the impression of being a self-confident independent woman. On the one hand, that's a total turn-on and on the other hand, you don't have to worry about eventually breaking her heart. Or so I thought.