He couldn't remember how many times he told himself it was nothing, that the feeling would fade but it never did. It grew stronger and hurt more.
Lives. They were always so stressful for everybody, especially Niikura Kaoru. Leader, the eldest, the guitarist, the one that never showed any affection towards the one he felt for. Not like Toshiya and Kyo towards each other, not like Die towards Shinya. He couldn't do it. He knew how to flirt, he picked up girls every now and then, but it was only for a one night stand and a way to make himself feel loved, even if it was just pretending. Rooms were separated. The guitarist with the drummer, the vocalist with the bassist and Kaoru alone. It was usually always like that, never any other way, and if it was he was with the drummer because Die knew how to push Shinya's buttons.
It was a usual night. The live for that night had ended and Kaoru retreated back to his room, turning down the offer for a few drinks at a near by club. He soaked his aching body with a hot shower, but he also used that time to think. To think of how to wake the others up the next morning so they could get on the bus and head for another town, to think of minor mistakes he made during a song and how odd it was that the others never noticed, to think...to think of him.
He stepped out of the shower, drying himself off with the soft white fabric of the towel that the hotel offered. Dressing himself in boxers, black pajama pants and socks. He never really wore a shirt to bed, it made him feel like he was suffocating. Tossing the damp towel to the blue and white tiles of the bathroom floor, he grabbed a fresh towel and hung it over his shoulders and snatched his brush from the sink counter. Once he stepped out of the bathroom, he used that fresh towel to dry his hair as he made his way over to his bed. He sat on the edge of it and ran the brush through his hair.
He flipped the television on and kept it on the news channel, simply to see how the weather was going to be the next day. Apparently it was going to rain, which made him grunt in disapproval. The rain always made his hair frizz, but that's what he got for dying it so much and killing it with hair spray and other poisons that had damaged it.
He spent a good twenty minutes watching before he turned the idiot box off and snuggled into the hotel bed. His eyes slowly began to close, and once again..he thought of him. How much he wanted to hold him, how much he wanted to share a room with him. How much..he loved him. The pain in his heart was like somebody took a knife and plunged it in, then did it multiple times. It hurt knowing he couldn't ever tell him how he felt..he didn't want to ruin anything. He was happy as it was, and Kaoru would rather see him happy then going through the pain he was going through right now.
He couldn't remember how many times he told himself it was nothing, that the feeling would fade but it never did. It grew stronger and hurt more. He clutched onto his pillow tightly, turning his face a bit to silently weep, that way the pillow caught his tears and didn't mark on his cheeks and chin so much. This happened to him often, and he constantly told himself that he had to stop thinking about him, but every time he tried he thought about him more. Why couldn't the feeling just go away? He remembered asking himself that many times during the moments he cried himself to sleep.
He remembered crying himself to sleep, but didn't really care to look at the clock when he went to bed. He took a small glance at the clock when he was awoken by somebody pounding on his door, it was late, though. Who would be knocking on his door this late at night? It couldn't of been the band members, since they knew very well that they should be sleeping at this time. He slipped the blankets off and got out of bed, rubbing his eyes as he made his way over to the door. A hand reached out for the doorknob, unlocking it, and opened it. He squinted his eyes in pain from the blinding light in the hall that was kept on during all hours, which he thought was stupid, they should've at least been dim for moments like this.
"Kyo..?" He questioned in a tired voice, staring at the smaller blonde that was standing there with his hands tucked into his pockets.
"Hey, Kao.." The vocalist replied, nearly sounding depressed..but that was the impression he got. Before he could even ask what was wrong, the blonde asked if he could stay with him for the night. He opened his eyes a bit more and gave a nod in agreement, stepping to the side so Kyo could get in.
"You can take the bed," He said while closing the door, locking it up again. "I'll sleep on the floor."
"Kao, are you okay?" The younger asked, after turning to look at him. "You're eyes are red.."
He nearly choked on his saliva, but quickly covered it with a fake cough and gave a nod.
"Yes, I'm fine..Allergies." He lied quickly. Obviously he hadn't been asleep very long, and cried longer than he expected.
The younger only gave a worried nod, and slipped his shoes off before and kicked them out of the way. He watched the blonde for a moment before walking over to the bed and snagged a pillow and the top blanket then made himself comfortable on the floor, laying on his stomach and his arms tucked under the pillow.
"Kaoru.." He heard his voice pipe up, so he simply picked his head up and looked over to the vocalist that was looking over the edge of the bed.
"I'm not letting you sleep on the floor, so get your ass up here." That only made Kaoru chuckle lightly and refuse, and he stayed on the floor until Kyo threatened to sleep on the floor with him.
So the two of them were laying on the bed, their backs facing each other and the both of them curled up comfortably. The room was dark and silent, until Kyo spoke up again.
"Can I tell you a secret?" The blonde asked.
"Sure." He responded in a sleepy manner.
"I'm tired." Kyo responded, which made Kaoru snicker some.
"When are you not?" He asked teasingly, which made the younger of the two groan and smack him in the back lightly.
"Good night." The blonde said, and you could tell in his voice he was pouting.
Kaoru responded with a light mumble of 'good night', before closing his eyes to sleep...but again, he couldn't. He thought of him again, and it made him cry again, and again he repeated the same process of hiding his face into the pillow and cried for hours. Unfortunatly, he couldn't cry himself to sleep...just cry. During those few hours he felt Kyo shift positions on the bed, which made him stiffen up, and hold back his pathetic whines of sorrow.
He didn't want to get out of bed, or he would've when he began to cry, so he stayed in that position until he moved to flip the pillow around, wipe his eyes and look at the clock. Three hours of crying, again..though this time it was a record of the shortest period of time. Using the blanket to wipe the remains off his face, he sniffled, then turned. Kyo was facing him now, but asleep, which made him give a soft smile.
"Can I tell you a secret?" He whispered to the sleeping one.
He knew the younger wouldn't wake up. That warumono could sleep through just about anything, except for food, he usually woke up when that was around.
"I'm in love with you.." He whispered again, restraining himself from pulling Kyo into his arms, or kissing his forehead, or kissing him period..but he did. He stole a sweet kiss from his lips before moving down to the floor, where he was supposed to sleep anyway.
"Oyasumi." He said again, then nuzzled into the pillow to sleep.