This chapter abounds with foreshadow and bad hair. Also, Evie gets a long overdue pro-moo-tion. What's up with Hat Rack and Shee-Shee?
After school Dana and I went to my place to hang out. And have a go at the impossible: Straighten my hair. Dana had bought a new hair straightener.
"So what did Ms. Mjoozikesards want from you after class?" my friend asked as she (tried to) brush(ed) my hair.
"Well, she - ouch - was saying that - ouch - my last test results - ouch - were - OUCH! Can we lay off the brushing for a sec, Dana?"
She shrugged and put the instrument of torture aside.
"She was saying that my last test results were more than alarming and my participation in class was hardly existant, blah blah... She wants to talk to one of my parents about it. Total bedussy."*
"So what you gonna do?"
"She said if I don't send one of my parents to her asap she's gonna call them. So I guess there's no way around it. I'll talk to Dad though. He doesn't have an entire rain forest up his ass like Mom does."
"Isn't Mjoozikesards the one who's got the hots for your Dad's old band?"
Yes, my teacher Rose Mjoozikesards, about the same age as my parents, used to be a huge Fall Out Boy fan when the guys and my father were doing their thing. On a class trip she even wore an FOB t-shirt once. Totally embarrassing. Mom knows her because she's the daughter of the principal of the elementary school she works at. Mom can't stand her. Well, we do have some things in common.
I nodded and grabbed the brush. Then there was a knock at the door and my mother stuck her head in.
"Hey, girls. I'm was gonna fix dinner and just wanted to check if noodle salad with tuna is fine with you? I'd fancy a meaty burger but since today is Cow Day*..."
"I LOVE noodle salad with tuna!" Dana chirped.**
"Sure, Mom," I replied.
"What are you girls doing?"
"We're trying to straighten Kyle's hair," my friend answered.
"I just finished ironing some laundry. The iron's still hot so if you want to try that?"
Dana laughed as if somebody had said something funny.
"Hilarious, mother. And thanks for giving me your cursed hair."
"Well, I'll call ya when dinner's ready. Laters."
After the door had closed Dana turned to me and smiled, "Your mother is like the coolest mom I know, Kyle."
"You can keep her if you want to."
"So what's up with Travis? You guys did it yet?"
"Nope... but I'm considering it." Just because my mother thought I was still a virgin didn't mean that it was true. (She also thought Converse shoes were British. Noone wore Converse anymore. That was like so before I had been born.)
"Whoa," Dana nudged me (and yanked out another strand of my hair). "Keep me updated, schizo."***
"Sure will... Oh, did you hear that about the exchange student?"
"Right, that's her name. Well, they're looking for a new place she can stay at because the family's she's staying with now is moving out of state sometime soon," I passed on the gossip.
"Poor thing... I hope someone's gonna volunteer to accommodate her. I would but you know my place. It's crowded already. And Isaac lets his deflated blow-up dolls lie around everywhere."
We giggled. Isaac was really oversexed.
"Nah, well... Noone can expect her to stay at my place. I mean, with MY mother and all," I pointed out. Besides, why would I want to have a complete stranger staying at my house who didn't even speak my language properly? It would drive Mom nuts, she's so obsessed with correct English and all that crap.
Wait a minute.
It would drive Mom nuts.
After dinner Dana and I went out to show off my straight (well, still slightly wavy and still sticking in various directions) hair.
"Say, how about we just get of here and go some place nice this weekend?" Patrick asked me after dinner.
"This weekend is no good, honey. I got a stack of paper work to do." Ever since I had started to write articles for various professional journals concerned with the teaching and upbringing of small children I was busy most of the time. I guess that's the price you pay for keeping something that fulfills you in your life. "How about the weekend after that?" I asked encouragingly. Patrick shouldn't think that he didn't mean anything anymore to me.
"Ah, no can do. Next weekend I'm out of town. Checking out a couple of promising bands, you remember?"
Actually I didn't remember he had mentioned that before. Nevermind. Maybe he had. "Oh well, we'll think of something," I sighed.
The door slammed and Kylene stomped through the living room where Patrick and I were sitting on the couch.
"You are back early," Patrick said.
"Well, it started raining and Mom's freak genes that are responsible for my hair decided to go crazy on me," she pointed at her frizzy, curly... it looked pretty bad.
I ignored her comment. It was high time that kid grew up and started worrying about things that mattered more than the dead cells that grew out of her scalp.
After we heard her door slam upstairs Patrick turned towards me and grinned, "Kinda reminds me of someone I know."
"Put an oreo in it, hubby," I said. That is so NOT true.
bedussy: 1) - too offensive to print -**
2) the opposite of British
** Not for urbandictionary.com though: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bedussy
The example sentence proves that example sentences used in dictionaries don't always have to sound artificial and remote from real life experience.
* One of the innovations the current president brought about. In the early 2020s the minimum age of female candidates running for pres has been lowered to 30 years. It's an indisputable fact that women's maturity usually exceeds the one of men of similar age and it was about darn time this was reflected in the Constitution. (And on ficwad.)
When Evie W[enz]. Moosh became the first female president of the USA a wave of change swept the country. Not only did she introduce the nation's Cow Day (on which it is strictly forbidden to eat anything beefy; violations of this law usually result in having to co-write some crap with FG), she's also responsible for the new catchy names of some of its states:
Cowlifornia, Cowlorado, Cowneticut
Moone, Moossachusetts, Moonnesota, Moomoosippi, Moosouri, Moontana
Moo Hampshire, Moo Jersey, Moo Mexico, Moo York
North + South Cattleina
Currently President Evie (who resides in the White Stable in Washington D.Cow.) and her Rumination Party are working on the formalities to enable giving bovines the vote in the early 30s.
Andy was thrilled to have her as a guest on 'Vegan Vittles' last year.
(What's 300 reviews compared to ruling the Land of the... Cows? :) )
** Makes your breath smell like bedu-... nevermind.
schizo: 1) short for 'schizophrenic': a person who suffers from a mental disease which leads to a split (or division) of the person's personality (or the person's joy?) [e.g. A./ Alex]
2) [slg.] mainly used by adolescents; s. is used to refer to someone who you think is so cool that their coolness would suffice for two or more people [e.g. A./Alex's Mom]
3) sometimes used by people who don't know how to spell "shitsu" or simply avoid that spelling because they find it slightly offensive
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Thanks to everyone who's reading this and even reviewing (and rating). You guys keep my brain... well, not working but it spewing out more of this junk. :)
Have a safe and fun New Year's Ev(i)e!