I woke up to the slight sounds of birds chirping, and the sounds of people moving about doing their morning business, I lifted my head off of the creased pillow, and adjusted my eyes to the morning light. I glanced over to the alarm clock, with its small blinking red light, and its fluorescent red numbers. The markings read '8:30' so I hauled my ass out of the bed I was in, and took myself to the bathroom. Stepping out of my clothes from yesterday, I looked at myself in the mirror. Sighing, I observed my naked self.
Pathetic. I thought. You look like shit. You need something to wake yourself up. Take away the pain babes. I laughed to myself and shook my head. Walking back to my bedroom, I grabbed the leftovers of last night, and shook some of the powder onto the bathroom worktop. Throwing the small bag in the bin, I searched around for something to snort it with. Seeing a pen, I took out the ink cartridge and took the now empty tube and held it to my nose. The powder flew up the tube and into my nose, and I felt some of the powder escape into my mouth. Gagging, I washed my mouth out. I observed myself in the mirror again, and sighed once more.
Yeah, you don't look any different. That was a fucking waste. You really need to quit. I laughed at myself. Yeah right. Like you have the self control for that.
I sighed inspite of myself and stepped into the shower. I felt the water run down my body, and yet I couldn't seem to make myself clean. I really needed to stop this. I needed to stop being a fucking screw-up. My life was a fucking mess, and even people that I had only just met already looked down on me.
As the water droplets fell from the shower head, I felt my barrier to emotion go with it. My eyes glazed over, and the tears fell from my eyes just as the water fell from above me. All the pain I had felt since I was younger came out, and I felt like I was going to explode from the amount of liquid that was falling from my eyes. All the emotion I had felt in the past years seemed to come out all in the space of a few minutes. I knew what I had been doing was wrong, I knew that I shouldn't be doing it. But I couldn't help it. I needed that sort of comfort, the sort of comfort I couldn't get from anything else. I raised my hand and turned off the water, almost simultaneously turning off my tears.
It was in that moment my eyes widened in realization.
I have to tell somebody.
I had to let it all out.
I had to cry like never before, in the arms of someone.
I thought to Sarah, my best friend when I was twelve. I couldn't tell her. She had died when I was thirteen. She couldn't help me now.
I thought to Jess, my sister from another mother when I was fifteen. I couldn't tell her. She kissed my boyfriend when I was sixteen, and I had never talked to her since. That put her out of the picture.
I thought to Soni, my gay best friend from when I was eighteen. He moved to Ohio a year ago, and I couldn't tell him something like this over the phone. That stopped that idea.
I thought to Mike, and whether I could tell him. I don't know whether I could, as he was best friends with my father, and he would probably flip out and tell someone. Fuck that. I wasn't risking anyone else finding out.
I thought about my last option.
The person that had walked into my life not a few days ago. The person who offered his help even if he hated what I did to myself.
I thought about Pete.
I had to tell Pete.