Categories > Books > Discworld
Head like a brick*
5 ReviewsVimes is a bit randy and curious if a Carrot would satisfy...
Warning: This story is slash.**
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"Corporal Carrot reporting as you have requested Captain Vimes." Carrot snapped off a snappy salute and waited with the air of a man who quite enjoyed waiting as part of his duty.
"Er, right." Vimes was always a bit put off by Carrot's straight forward enthusiasm for anything having to do with the Watch. Thing was, Carrot was just so likable that a person couldn't help but feel that any lack of enthusiasm on their part was a bit dodgy. "Corporal, I have a delicate question to put to you; you don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable doing so."
"Yes, sir?"
"Er, well.. do you like men, Corporal?" Saying it aloud it wasn't quite as tactful as it has sounded in his head. If Carrot was made uncomfortable by the question he certainly didn't show it on his face.
"Yes, sir. I do." Carrot responded with a heart-stopping smile.
Vimes was taken aback for a moment by the quick response. "Er, I don't know as you've really caught what I'm asking, Corporal? I mean, do you like other men?" Vimes desperately wished he had drunk himself into the gutter instead of braving a hot-two-man-action encounter on this particular evening. Well, the night was young and there was still plenty of time to find that gutter after this conversation.
"Pardon, sir? Do I like other men?" Carrot carefully asked for clarification as he had discovered since coming to Anhk-Morpork when somebody repeated a question to him it generally meant they had actually meant to ask something entirely different then what they had said.
"Nono, do you LIKE other men. You know," Vimes ended lamely, "do you LIKE-like other men?"
Carrot thought hard about this question. Using the word 'like' twice seemed to indicate twice as much liking. If you liked something twice as much as something else, say you liked pumpkin pie but you like-liked pumpkin pie with whipped cream, then that would mean you had an especial fondness for that doubly liked thing. So if Vimes was asking if he like-liked other men then it was like-liking other men with whipped cream. It seemed rather messy to Carrot but he did rather like whipped cream.
"I suppose so, sir? I mean, I like people in general but you could say that I like-like you and Cpl. Nobbs and Sgt. Colon. You like-like me don't you?"
Vimes choked a bit. "Er, well, yes. I suppose you could say that?" Vimes wondered what had ever possessed him to investigate the possibility of a quick shag with Carrot. He could only imagine the excruciating embarassment he would suffer should he broach the subject of oral sex with Corporal Carrot.
"Is that all then, Captain?" Carrot inquired after politely waiting a minute for his Captain to regain his composure.
"Yes, yes. That's all, Corporal." Vimes waved a hand in a distracted manner as he rummaged about for a bottle. It was gutter time. Carrot snapped off another snappy salute** and as he walked out of the Guard House Vimes heard him call out cheerfully to Cpl. Nobbs, 'I like-like you, Corporal Nobbs!'.
Nobbs trudged into the Guard house with a mystified expression on his face. "What was all that about then? He like-likes me?"
Vimes swigged a swig from his bottle and savoured the burn that burned down to his belly. "Sadly, Corporal, not in the way you might think..."
end.
* Bricks really aren't as hard as all that being rather porous in make up. It accounts for why Carrot sometimes DOES catch on... just not often.
** Slash referring to the practice of pairing up two cannonically 'uninvolved' characters for the purpose of seeing them snog, do the nasty, profess undying romantic love for each other, other various sordid and educational practices.
* Carrot, had in fact, been practicing his salute after reading a passage in a book about a Watchman snapping off a snappy salute.
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"Corporal Carrot reporting as you have requested Captain Vimes." Carrot snapped off a snappy salute and waited with the air of a man who quite enjoyed waiting as part of his duty.
"Er, right." Vimes was always a bit put off by Carrot's straight forward enthusiasm for anything having to do with the Watch. Thing was, Carrot was just so likable that a person couldn't help but feel that any lack of enthusiasm on their part was a bit dodgy. "Corporal, I have a delicate question to put to you; you don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable doing so."
"Yes, sir?"
"Er, well.. do you like men, Corporal?" Saying it aloud it wasn't quite as tactful as it has sounded in his head. If Carrot was made uncomfortable by the question he certainly didn't show it on his face.
"Yes, sir. I do." Carrot responded with a heart-stopping smile.
Vimes was taken aback for a moment by the quick response. "Er, I don't know as you've really caught what I'm asking, Corporal? I mean, do you like other men?" Vimes desperately wished he had drunk himself into the gutter instead of braving a hot-two-man-action encounter on this particular evening. Well, the night was young and there was still plenty of time to find that gutter after this conversation.
"Pardon, sir? Do I like other men?" Carrot carefully asked for clarification as he had discovered since coming to Anhk-Morpork when somebody repeated a question to him it generally meant they had actually meant to ask something entirely different then what they had said.
"Nono, do you LIKE other men. You know," Vimes ended lamely, "do you LIKE-like other men?"
Carrot thought hard about this question. Using the word 'like' twice seemed to indicate twice as much liking. If you liked something twice as much as something else, say you liked pumpkin pie but you like-liked pumpkin pie with whipped cream, then that would mean you had an especial fondness for that doubly liked thing. So if Vimes was asking if he like-liked other men then it was like-liking other men with whipped cream. It seemed rather messy to Carrot but he did rather like whipped cream.
"I suppose so, sir? I mean, I like people in general but you could say that I like-like you and Cpl. Nobbs and Sgt. Colon. You like-like me don't you?"
Vimes choked a bit. "Er, well, yes. I suppose you could say that?" Vimes wondered what had ever possessed him to investigate the possibility of a quick shag with Carrot. He could only imagine the excruciating embarassment he would suffer should he broach the subject of oral sex with Corporal Carrot.
"Is that all then, Captain?" Carrot inquired after politely waiting a minute for his Captain to regain his composure.
"Yes, yes. That's all, Corporal." Vimes waved a hand in a distracted manner as he rummaged about for a bottle. It was gutter time. Carrot snapped off another snappy salute** and as he walked out of the Guard House Vimes heard him call out cheerfully to Cpl. Nobbs, 'I like-like you, Corporal Nobbs!'.
Nobbs trudged into the Guard house with a mystified expression on his face. "What was all that about then? He like-likes me?"
Vimes swigged a swig from his bottle and savoured the burn that burned down to his belly. "Sadly, Corporal, not in the way you might think..."
end.
* Bricks really aren't as hard as all that being rather porous in make up. It accounts for why Carrot sometimes DOES catch on... just not often.
** Slash referring to the practice of pairing up two cannonically 'uninvolved' characters for the purpose of seeing them snog, do the nasty, profess undying romantic love for each other, other various sordid and educational practices.
* Carrot, had in fact, been practicing his salute after reading a passage in a book about a Watchman snapping off a snappy salute.
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