My answer to the typical SI (Self-Insertion) fic.
An SI To Watch Out For
Book One: A Cliche I Could Live Without
Chapter One: The Beginning of the End
Part One: I Receive THE PHONE CALL
"Yo! J Dog!"
I look wearily up from my notebook (Circa 1998) at the Remster. "What's up, Doctor R?"
"Nothing, man! Just passing through!" He clapped me on the shoulder and continued on down the hall.
A few days later, I was at home (1).
Part Two: I Receive the PHONE CALL
Jeremy waltzed through his front door, unlocking it as an afterthought before entering. On second thought, you ring the door bell. I waited patiently for someone to open the door. I was not disappointed.
I stepped inside.
"Jeremy the door is open!"
Jeremy looked at his mother and said, "Do you have exciting news? Or are just being yourself?"
You quickly slam the door with a swift irritating motion.
"I have exciting news! Don't forget to come inside! Close the door behind you."
"Don't worry," I answered. "I will in a second. So what's the news?"
My mother smiled at me and started to sing, "It's a cold night in Heaven, a hot night in Hell!"
I frowned and picked up the phone. "You know how much I hate it when you sing songs that I make up while making a sandwich and teasing my brother. So what's the news?"
"You've been selected to go to a high school in Japan and train at a dojo there in some sort of karate."
Really? But why? My thoughts sped to nothing in particular...
Part Three: Nothing in Particular
Jeremy's thoughts bounced around for a few seconds.
Part Four: Japan? More like JOpan!
"But why me?" Jeremy remarked wittily. "I know hardly any Japanese at all."
"You read that Dave Barry book, didn't you? And you took all those Kendo classes!"
"I only took one class," Jeremy retorted. "That hardly makes me an expert. And why would I go to a high school in Japan? I graduated years ago."
"This is an SI. Does it matter?"
"An SI, of course. I thought you wrote fanfiction."
Part Six: Forget about Part Five, I'm in Japan!
I went to Japan in coach-class. It was a very uncomfortable and lengthy trip.
Chapter Two: The Plastic Surgeon says: You look twenty years younger!
Part Seven: The Story Decides to Begin, this time for longer than a few sentences
Jeremy walked down the streets of a small little village, followed by a map he held tightly in his hands. A short (compared to a house) girl walked over to him.
The girl blinked before speaking again, this time in English. "You no speak Japan?"
Jeremy laughed heartily at the broken English. "What in the eighteen heads of Galdra, Goddess of Swords, is that supposed to mean? Don't you speak good English? Ha ha ha!"
The girl shook her head, seemingly trying to clear it after the rush of English words. "I Ukyo. I no speak America good. Sorry to say. You no speak Japan?"
Jeremy shook his head. "No, I know a few words. Like 'Hai' and uh 'Bai' and 'Bon Voyage'! That's about it though. Hey listen, Miss Ukyo." Jeremy suddenly remembered he was in Japan, so he bowed. Ukyo bowed in response. "I'm looking for the Tendo dojo. I'm supposed to train there, or something. I don't know, something having to do with an 'SI'. My mom wasn't very specific. Plus, I need to attend Furinkan high school, even though I already graduated. Where is that?"
Ukyo gaped and tried to piece together the long string of English words. "Uh, you say you want find Tendo dojo?"
Jeremy sighed but acquiesced. He smirked to himself, thinking 'What a quaint little country.' "Yes, I am looking for the Tendo dojo."
"Ok, you follow for Tendo dojo, ne?"
"What's a dojo-nee?"
"Mean to say, you understand?"
"Oh, yeah. Sure."
The two walked down the road, Ukyo gracefully because of her extensive martial arts training, Jeremy normally because of his meager martial arts training. Suddenly, without warning, before either Ukyo or Shampoo could say nothing, SHHampu leapt out and growled at Ukyo.
"Ukyo, Ranma desu ka?"
Jeremy scratched his head. "What did you say?"
Shampoo whirled. "Nani? Nihao!"
Jeremy grinned and bowed. "Oh Chinese! I mean, Ni hao ma, jie. Ni jiao shenme mingzi."
Shampoo looked in surprise at the not-very-impressive-looking American. "Wo jiao Shan Pu. Ni jiao shenme mingzi."
Jeremy bowed again. "Wo jiao Ji Rou Mi. Ni de nan pengyou ma?"
Shampoo shook her ahead. "Wo de airen."
"Jeremy's eyes widened." "Airen? Shi. Wo yao qu Tendo dojo."
A shimmering strand of consciousness broke the language barrier.
"Hey!" Jeremy said. "When I speak English, somehow it sounds like English yet is Japanese!"
Shampoo looked oddly at the "crazy american" and said "[Well, what does it sound like I'm saying right no? Keep in mind I'm speaking in Mandarin.]"
"It sounds like English, too. Ukyo-san, what did it sound like to you?"
Ukyo shrugged. "Beats me. I don't understand Mandarin."
"So it didn't sound like English?"
"Of course not!"
"How strange," Jeremy muttered. "This makes less sense then is possible. Especially considering I actually know quite a bit of Chinese, yet it sounds like English."
Suddenly Ranma appeared. "Who are you, you filthy gaijin? Why are talking to Ukyo and Shampoo?"
Ukyo and Shampo glittered at their financial. "OH RAMNA! YOU DO LOVE ME!" The two girls said in unison.
Ranma growled and approached Jeremy. "Prepare to fight, filthy gaijin!"
Jeremy stuttered. "Uh, ok. But I should warn you, I studied Tang Su Do for a few months before dropping out. Plus I've taken once Kendo course."
"Kendo!" Without warning, Tatewaki Kuno appeared, to devastating aplomb. "Saotome! How dare you attack this filthy gaijin?! He studies the sacred art of Keno!"
Ranma jabbed quickly at Kuno's head, which soon fell to the street, unconscious. "Shut up retroactively Kuno."
Oops! I forgot! I don't stand a chance against Ranma. I'll just pretend I'm really SUPER JEREMY.
Super Jeremy grinned. "HA HA HA!" He paused. "HA!"
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "That's a pretty stupid costume, even for a filthy gaijin."
He attacked, and Super Jeremy blocked the lightning fast strike, only to crumble to the ground in pain.
Jeremy looked up balefully. "Jeremy School Final Attack! Brain Freeze!" Jeremy gritted his teeth and shut his eyelids tightly. Nothing happened, of course.
I woke up and grabbed the nearest pen, which happened to be in the dishwasher. "Ouch! Soap in my eyes!"
I woke up and checked the clock. 1:46 AM. Impossible. I went to sleep at 2:03 AM! Unless...
I woke up and checked the clock. 9:00 AM. Ah, that's more like it.
Author's Notes: With so many SI fanfics out there, especially in the Ranma genre, I realized something: Nearly all SI fics have the main characters (the authors) become more powerful and get at least one girl if not all. So while I'm on my cliche-breaking binge writing, I thought I'd write an SI that not only broke fanfiction and fiction rules, but also broke SI rules. After all, "Jeremy" didn't end up with anyone did he? Plus, he lost to Ranma really easily. In addition, I decided to throw in a few incredibly irritating writing additions that I've seen in other fics before.
Can you count the irritating writing additions?
Here's a handy-dandy guide to a few of them:
Sections names that have nothing to do with their content.
"Tips" in parentheses that add nothing to the story except filler.
Ultra-short sections that don't matter
Footnote notation that doesn't have a footnote anywhere in the document.
Section names that are repeated.
Overly-complicated and wordy sentences.
Switching point-of views arbitrarily.
Style changes randomly.
Blatant misspelling or incorrect grammar.
Blatantly incorrect statements.
Foreign languages used without translations.
I'm sure there's more!
"Ok, where's the rest of this story?" - Nabiki Tendo