UlquiGrimmRenji. Drunken Threesome. People just don't expect things like this to happen.
Fate had a strange sense of humor.
Ulquirra knew that he would regret coming to this thing from the moment it had been propositioned to him, but when he looked at the exhausted faces of his subordinates he had to sigh and give in. Things like this - compassion for those who were weaker than you - had come from Soul Society. The theme of protecting those who are weaker than you ran deep in their culture and mindsets.
Especially, though quietly, in the division he had been forced to work with.
When Abarai Renji had heard that he would be forced to work with this pale, freakish hollow-creature he had thought that it was a joke.
Unsurprisingly, after a mutually frosty first meeting, Kuchiki Byakuya and Ulquiorra got along fine. They might have set a record for least amount of words said to a partner in a crisis situation, but they worked together while leaving Renji behind to beat his head against the ground in frustration.
Now there were two of them to look down on him! Killing himself became an attractive prospect.
Grimmjow was, unsurprisingly, matched up with the Eleventh Division and fit in just fine. Zaraki had to have respect for someone who might be just as god-be-damned-fuckin-crazy-in-love with fighting as he was.
It was here that Abarai Renji came to drown his sorrows when he wasn't running errands like a dog or trying to raise morale in the disheartened troops. It was here that he met this crazy Grimmjow Jaggerjack character and ended up drinking with him until they were both collapsed on the floor while Yumichika giggled over them like a perverse angel. He should have known something was up: Yumichika always knew when something fucked up was going to happen.
Grimmjow, on the other hand, had no idea what the fruitcake was giggling about, but he would be sure to pound the laughter out of him next chance he got. This place was a shitload more interesting than Heuco Mundo, not that he would admit that, and a lot more fun. Here, there was a lot more shit to kill, and if he felt like a challenge, he could always go spar with that fucked up captain he was supposed to be 'working with'. Too bad that little pink girl ruined his entire image and made him look ridiculous most of the time.
The knowledge that the pink shrimp had beaten him into the ground while playing tag on day one was not something that he encouraged the spreading of.
That was the difference between home and here, he decided, and then promptly passed out.
So, back at the party, it wasn't particularly odd when both Renji and Grimmjow approached the frozen-white Espada. It became more odd when Renji slung an arm around his shoulder, exhaled noxious beer breath into Ulquirra's face, and then slurred: "Hey, babe, wanna sneak outta here and find out what a real Sereitei fuck feels like?"
It took a moment to process, filtering out the screwed up syllables, slang, and accent, and then registering the shock at being accosted so familiarly by a weak shinigami second-in-command. Then, he opened his mouth to reply with a suitable disgusted expression in his emerald eyes, when someone replied for him.
"Oi, fuckhead, clear off. He doesn't need your tiny shinigami dick! Everyone knows the Espada are more man than you'll ever be!"
They both reached for their swords at the same time, found that they weren't there (wisdom on the hosts' part) and then settled for glowering over Ulquirra's head. Did it occur to either of them that perhaps he didn't want to have sex with /anyone/? Idiots.
Letting out a long-suffering sigh, Ulquirra passed between them with a few easy, but forceful, motions and made for the exit. Things like this happening were usually a sign that it was time to go home.
And on his way out the door he looked over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of the two wrestling it out on the floor when he stepped into a very soft... bosom.
"Saaa~ You shouldn't be so careless with the twins, Espada-san!"
Extracting himself from 'the twins' he looked up past the mountain range and into the face of an extremely drunk blond. There was only a moment in which he could have escaped, and then it was gone.
"Hey! You're not drunk at all! That's not very polite! Sit down and grab a glass!"
Grabbing him in a absent-minded headlock, Masumoto Rangiku dragged him over to her table and shoved a bottle in his mouth.
Ten minutes later he was leaning against a wall, trying to keep the floors from rolling so much.
He must have been drunk. That's the only excuse he could come up with, as he lay naked between two heavy, snoring bodies and reeking of alcohol.
Unfortunately, he could remember it all in stark detail, as if the gods had seen fit to punish him as much as possible for some past transgression.
Grimmjow had grabbed him around the waist and started dragging him out of the room, and he had gone along with it because it was nice to have a little support and he could always knock out the Sixth with something heavy when they got somewhere that he could lie down. Then Renji had caught up to them when they were halfway down the path. Ulquirra had expected them to start fighting again, but instead the red-head grabbed Grimmjow and kissed him hard enough that Ulquirra heard their bones collide.
Then they were both dragging him back towards the fourth division's barracks, where they dumped him into his bed. They practically ignored each other as they set to removing the clothes from the then-languid Ulquirra in remarkable agreement.
However, if cognition had not been shot by the alcohol, the pleasure so rarely felt did most of the job. Teeth and tongues rose hickeys all over his body until he gave in and whimpered with Gimmjow's mouth on his nipple. He saw those feral eyes gleam with pleasure, but Renji had the presence of mind to be surprised and pull back, leaving Ulquirra enough space to reach up and drag his mouth down for a full kiss. Despite himself, he was painfully aroused as the two heavy, muscular and sweaty bodies pressed him down and sought to pleasure him.
Grimmjow's half-mask of bone was cool against his shoulder as he rocked back towards the heavy cock pressed against his ass, and then arched helplessly forward to meet Renji's spit-lubricated hand. It was rough and raw, the way they did it back home, but the way Renji kissed Grimmjow over his shoulder made everything slow down. A little more tenderness, and a little less pain.
Nevertheless, it was sex, and Ulquirra winced a little when he shifted his weight and felt the muscles below his waist twinge in protest. He had ended up on his hands and knees above Renji's tattooed body, being taken by Grimmjow. And then they did it again, Renji penetrating Ulquirra while Grimmjow was being sucked off. He couldn't remember how many times they did it, actually, nor every position they tried. He just knew that he had come every time, and would never, ever live this down.
Of course, the first thing Grimmjow said upon waking up and taking in his surroundings, grinning fiendishly at the trapped senior in command, was: "So, who was better?"
They should never have come to Sereitei.