Sheena engages in time travel in her thoughts and in another conversation with Mystery Man. [The crappy author of this story has finally worked in some cameos she promised people centuries ago.]
Should you be interested in helping me out with my ever so present writer's block on this story, please contact me. I mean it. PLEASE!!! Somebody? Anybody?!
Also, I have finally incorporated some people who I promised a cameo ages ago. Sorry about having to wait for so long. My excuse: I suck.
9. A Trick down memory... lame
I realize it's pretty silly and that you run the danger of losing sight of what's going on in the real world, right now, but still... I have this one picture of Patrick in my bottom drawer of the desk in my office. I don't actually recall when it's been taken, but I think we had started dating already. It's a portrait pic, I think Joe took it. And he's so adorable, Patrick.
I do love him how he is now. Older, a little more Patrick to him, a little less hair, still behatted most of the time. But that young Patrick. Is it wrong to think of a younger version of your husband when you're sharing an intimate moment with him? Ah, who am I asking? You're probably thinking of a younger version of my hubby while you're doing your boyfriends.*
Whenever a day's been particularly tough I slump into my huge chair behind the desk and grab the picture. I can stare at it forever, I get lost in memories. All those years, how they went by so fast. How my daughter grew older, how Patrick and I grew older.
What a tasty young man he used to be. How easy it used to be. How daugtherless we used to be.
Not even 5 minutes of peace and quiet.
I walked out of my office to find Kyle standing at the top of the staircase, looking slightly aggravated. She was still wearing that hat all day long. I know she got that DNA shot. She's not fooling me. But I give up. Too many times I feel like Patrick and I are pulling in different directions when it comes to parenting. She's his little princess and has got a carte blanche every time she's irresponsible. And I'm the one with the stick up her ... you know.
I wonder who she will come running to once she grows a second head as a side effect of the shot. I wonder if that one will have straight hair, too?
For now I really need a break. Kyle can do what she wants. She will see where that takes her.
"Yes, my lovely flesh and blood? How may I help you?" I asked. Sarcasm was my last resort, my final fortress. Humor can be a powerful weapon. But sometimes it's just like with guns, people hurt themselves with it more than actually defend themselves.
"I'm looking for my favorite pair of jeans. Have you seen them?" Kylene tugged at her hat. That made me smile. There were still parts of the human genes that were a mystery to science these days and I found myself pondering upon whether hat-tugging was inheritable or not.
"What's so funny?" my daughter asked suspiciously. Lately it really was a wonder if either of us treated the other half-way decent, let alone friendly.
"Nothing, honey. I just traveled back in time a for a second," I explained.
"Yeah, well. Can you return to the present and tell me where you put my pants?"
"I have no clue. Go check the laundry if you haven't yet. You're really old enough," I scoffed.
"Fine!" she shuffled away.
Just has I had returned to my office the doorbell went off. It would be one of the guys, time for poker again. I wanted to answer the door when I heard the unmistakable stampede of Kylene's feet on the stairs. "I'll get it!" she yelled.
Half a minute later I heard, "So you have my pair of jeans!" Then, even louder so I would hear it in my office, "I DON'T MIND, PETE! THEY MAKE YOUR ASS LOOK FABULOUS!"
"You're quite a vixen yourself, Kylene!" Pete's voice reverberated from the hall into my direction.
I can't count the times they have insulted my intelligence by acting as if they were hitting on each other. I knew it was an act. Somebody of my flesh and blood hitting on Pete Wentz? Come on.
As I went to greet my best enemy, Kyle retreated to her room.
"Hello, Pete. Wow. You're the only man I know who wears purple cowboy boots."
He winked at me, "And still looks damn hot?"
"You're the only man I know who wears purple cowboy boots, Peter," I replied.
"Give me some credit, Shee-Shee. I still get compliments from the woman department. My age and younger. Just today I got 20 new e-mails asking if I would date maryshotlamb21, PiecesInMe or xoloveorsympathy."**
Please. Those usernames sounded so fake, I bet he had just made them up.
"Does Heather know about this?" I asked, referring to his long-term break-up/ make-up girlfriend.
"Heather is the only woman I'd make babies with," the man answered proudly.
Stop it, Pete. You're making the pot roast I had for dinner reappear.
"And this one person keeps sending me private messages on buzznet asking me how I manage to stay so young and do you wanna know the secret, Sheena? It's sex. It's all about the sex. See, from personal experience I can say that-"
"Too bad, Pete. Let's continue this some other time," I rolled my eyes. "How about 20 years from now?"
I mean he wasn't all that bad. You could have a normal conversation with him. He could listen if he wanted to. He usually shut up if you placed him in front of a mirror. It gave him something to do.
Andy and Joe.
"Come on in, boys," I greeted them. "But do yourself a favor and don't ask Pete about the secret of his youth."
"Lying about his age?" Joe smirked.
Over the years Joe had turned into a close friend. When I first met him I didn't think much of him. He seemed righteous and only slightly less self-absorbed than Pete. But first impressions are often deceiving.
"Say, have you gained weight?" Joe raised an eyebrow at me.
Then again, first impressions can be incredibly accurate.
"Don't listen to him, Sheena," Andy interjected as we walked into the living room. "But I would be delighted to give you some Vegan recipes. Helps you keep the pounds under control."
"I am married. I don't need to look good," I replied. I wanna see them after having given birth to an elephant baby.* Granted, that had been about 17 years ago. But that is not the point.
"I hear you and Patrick had a bit of a fun adventure when you left the studio last week," I changed the topic by addressing Andy.
"Oh man, yes. After we had recorded the show there was this mob of Vefrugrans** who threw Chicken McNuggets at us and called us vegetable murderers."
I nodded, "I remember, Patrick brought some nuggest home for dinner. They were still warm."
Yes, there had been a time when I had had a huge crush on Andy. There had even been a time when I had been together with him in a parallel universe. (Don't tell me you didn't try drugs when you were young.) And he was still one of my favorite people I had ever met because he could make you feel welcome and appreciated. Feelings that I hadn't received from my own little family lately.
As I left my office three hours after our guests had arrived the men were still playing poker. I went into the kitchen to grab a glass of water before going to bed when I heard someone behind me asking, "So, how are you doing?"
I turned around to find the poor soul who I had previously burdened with my petty problems.
"Still alive. But I don't wanna bore you with my temporary low," I smiled at him. "It's just a phase, you know."
He copied me and got himself a glass of tap water, "You're not boring me, Sheena. You know, I don't feel indifferent towards you. I have known you for a long time now. And if you feel that you have nobody but me to talk to about this, then I feel honored."
Well, there was Katy. I told her pretty much everything. After I had almost given up hope in the female sex for holding individuals that can turn into loyal friends I met her and she proved me wrong. The thing with Katy was that she absolutely couldn't stand Patrick. I don't even know why. Some people just feel horribly repulsed by certain individuals. She didn't understand how I could have ever married a "bloody packer" and "complete arse" like him. She used to say, "Sheena, I prefer biscuits and your husband clearly is a cracker."
So telling Katy that I felt ignored by him would only make her loathe him more. And she would try to talk me into a divorce for all I know. So I couldn't tell her about this.
"Earlier I was thinking about the old times... and I really miss those times," I sighed.
He smiled hopefully at me, "You and Patrick surely have a lot of great memories."
Frowning, I told him, "What exactly are you thinking of now?"
A mischievous light danced in his eyes, "The time he had the crowd at that concert in Los Angeles sing 'Happy Birthday' to you because you were at home and the concert was being televised?"
A small smile tugged at the corner of my lips, "Or the time he told you and the others to convince me he had been hit by a car and died on impact because we had got in a fight and I told him to go die?"***
"I thought you were going to squeeze him so hard he popped when he walked up behind you," he chuckled a bit.
I smiled more, "I was crying so much that I soaked his shirt."
"Don't forget when he took you to the zoo for Valentine's Day and pointed out all of the animal couples and their families."
My smile was going full blast now, "Yeah, that was really sweet."
He watched me reminiscing about old times and grinned again.
I patted him on the shoulder and sighed loudly, "Thanks for reminding me why I am going through all of this. You're a great friend and I love you."
"I KNOW you wanted me from day one you saw me," he joked.
"Good night, dude. Don't take all of Patrick's money. I have given up hope that Kyle will go to college or ever get a job so we will need the money to support her until she's 60."
"Nighty night, Shee-Shee. And don't despair."
When I had changed to my jammies and had crawled under the sheets (alone, as you might recall) I started wondering. He HAD joked about his next to last statement. Right?
* I don't know about you, dear readers, but I feel insulted.
** Sorry, girls. I don't know how else to work you into the story.
* My love for you is still strong, Crystal. You know that song by Depeche Mode, "Strangelove"?
* A group of people who don't only refuse to eat animals or any animal products but also reject the idea of consuming vegetables, fruit and gra*in. As can be seen from their little demonstration in front of the studio where Andy hosts his 'Vegan Vittles', they don't hesitate to accuse Vegans of cruelty against apples, peas, corn, etc.
Not even in the year 2027 is there a scientific theory to back up their beliefs that the three aforementioned food groups really do have feelings too but hey, you didn't really think that the number of idiots on planet earth would go down in the future, did you? In accordance with their philosophy they have committed themselves to living on air and love as well as plink and Chicken McNuggets, as the last two are produced purely synthetically. For mysterious reasons the number of Vefrugrans has been on the decline ever since their foundation in the mid-2020s due to the fact that their members are dying like flies.
*** Aren't you glad Patrick isn't your boyfriend/ husband now? That was VERY creepy.