Categories > Movies > Underworld > UFV - Underworld's Funniest Home Videos

And So It Starts . . .

by Anyanka 1 Reviews

So THATS what happens when you put the vamps and lycans in the human world! LOTSA bloopers! A story of your hosts, um... authors! Anya and Marie! Rated R for language

Category: Underworld - Rating: R - Genres: Humor - Characters: Amelia, Erika, Kraven, Lucian, Marcus, Michael, Selene, Sonja, Viktor - Warnings: [!!] [?] - Published: 2005/08/18 - Updated: 2005/08/18 - 1523 words

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(A/N: remember us?

Anya: We're back, palls!

Marie: Yah! We' like cockroaches!

Anya: -looks at Marie O.o- ... Ew...

Marie: Wha'! Ya can neva get rid o'us! cackle

Anya: -silence-

Marie: -coughs- Yeah... right sorry bout that... -looks at Anya- Yes.. go on...

Anya: ... Yeah... right. Yeah, well, as I was saying, we're back to lighten up the Underworld story section with our crazy Underworld humour!

Marie: Yah... Because SOMEONE over at fanfiction.net thought it FUNNY to DELETE our story! -glares at whoever's guilty- Anyway so we're basically reposting what we had, but with a few changes... So enjoy!

Anya: And.. don't you forget to REVIEW! -grins-

Marie: -smiles and nods-)

On the set, the cast of Underworld are filming the scene when Amelia's messenger, Dimtri, is doing his boring speech in front of the whole mansion of Ordoghaz ("The Devil's House"). Kraven is sitting cross-legged in his "personal" couch as he scratches his chin, lost in his thoughts.

He then brings his glass of "fresh" blood to his lips and takes a sip. But as fast as it came in, it came out. Spitting the blood all over his couch.

Manager: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!

Everyone: OO

Kraven: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS RUBBISH! twitching madly

Viktor: It's called blood, you idiot. sarcastically Want me to spell it for you?

Kraven: But..... but bloody hell, it's coagulating in my glass!

Everyone: OO look down at their glass with disgust

Erika: Well. it is true, actually. she said as an after thought

Viktor: glares at Kraven Kraven! When did you buy this stuff?

Kraven: shoots hands in the air It wasn't me!

Offstage, you could actually hear Michael singing joyfully "she saw the marks on my shoulder -- it wasn't me --heard the words that I told her -- it wasn't me -heard the screaming getting louder -- it wasn't me"

Everyone: O.O SHUT UP!

Michael: -grins evilly- "Shut up, just shut up, shut up!.." he drifts away, humming to himself

Kraven: -Rolls his eyes- It was Soren who bought it! -points at Soren-

Erika: -sarcastically- Hurray, Soren. What was the expiration date?

Soren: Uh. -scratches his head- 1456? Or something like that, I can't remember really. or maybe 1678?

Selene: That's it, I've had it. -pours her coagulating blood glass on his head-

Soren: -freaks out- HEY! That's my fave shirt!

Selene: So? get a new one. -shrugs and leaves the hall after Michael-

Everyone: O.O

At night.

Manager: Okay, wrap it up!

Kraven, who would do anything to gain popularity, raises his arm in the air as holding his wallet.

Kraven: Okay, who wants to come with me at the restaurant?

Selene, Michael, Erika, Sonja and Lucian: Uh... well... hum... -trying to drift away-

Kraven: My treat!

Everyone: Oh, well, in that case...

In the parking lot.

Selene: I'm driving!

Kraven: And I get the front seat!

Michael: -glares- Hey, hey, wow, wow, wow, there, hold on! Don't get your knickers all twisted up, I get the front seat!

Kraven: -shows his wallet- I'm the one paying, aren't I?

Michel glares even more, lowers his head, growls, and slides in the middle back seat beside Erika. Behind them Sonja and Lucian are sitting.

In the car.

Selene is humming while driving towards an unidentified place

Kraven: Hum. -shifts nervously- Where are you taking us?

Selene: To the Grand Chic restaurant, of course. Why?

Everyone surprised by Selene's choice: O.O

Kraven: And. -stuttering, laughing nervously- I-I-I'm paying. right?

Michael: Of course you are. You invited us. -glares evilly at the back of Kraven's head- Didn't you?

Kraven: Uh...... yeah? -sounding more like a question-

Lucian: -breaks the silence- And I'm not even wearing a tux!

Everyone looks at him oddly (except Sonja, of course)

Sonja: -smiles sweetly- Aw, sweetie, it's okay, don't worry, you look perfect as always.

Lucian: -Smirks at the camera- Yes, I know, dear.

Kraven: -mumbles and rolls eyes- Look at the ego.

Selene, being the only one who heard, reaches behind his head and smacks him.

Kraven: -hissing- OW!

Michael: Okay, I think we just lost the attention of two people in the back seat.

Erika: -turns around- Whoa! -eyes wide opened, seeing Lucian and Sonja making out passionately-

Everyone else: O.O

Kraven: ... Ew. I have been scared for life. ... -silence- Ow!

At the Grand Chic

Selene, Michael, Kraven, Erika, Lucian, and Sonja are in the lineup, where, just ahead of them, are a VERY old couple. The waiter arrives and asks the VERY old couple:

Waiter: -terrible French accent- Good evening. Zmoking or not zmoking?

VERY old woman: -backhands her VERY old husband on his arm- Honey, are you gonna smoke the damn cigars Doris gave you for our fifty-fifth anniversary ?

VERY old man: Well, it depends, you know. if I eat steak I will, if I eat soup I won't. What do you think?

VERY old woman: Well, on the other side, you might die of intoxication. -adds as an after thought- Doris never seems to pick up the right cigars, does she? -turns around and laughs out loud, looking straight at Kraven who looks sternly at her-

VERY old man: Harriet, it's not her fault if she suffers of amnesia. Poor woman, barely seventy years old and she wakes up, not remembering who her husband was.

VERY old woman: That's why she's now stuck with his younger brother -turns around and laughs with Kraven (only that she's the only one laughing there) as this one glares at her and starts to get quite impatient.-

Waiter: -same terrible French accent- Zmoking or not zmoking?

VERY old woman: Well, I don't know, what about you, Rodney?

VERY old man: Well, I don't know, my teeth are yellow enough as they are.

Kraven: FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

VERY old man startles and starts twitching as he dies of a heart attack. He falls to the floor as Selene, Michael, Lucian, Sonja, and Erika stare wide eyes at the scene while Kraven's jaws are on the floor.

Very old man: -sqwaks-... -dies-

Everyone including the gang: O.O

Kraven tries to drift away as Selene grabs him by the arm and he stays still

Michael: -raises finger in the air, gasping for air - What about calling an ambulance?

Waiter: -same horrible and irritating French accent- Good idea! -presses on the emergency switch below his desk- Done. Zmoking or not zmoking? -grins widely... especially at Michael, Lucian, and Kraven-

Michael, Lucian and Kraven: ... O.O

Selene: NOT smoking.

Waiter: -Horrible French accent that's starting to get on Kraven's nerves- Pleaze follow me. -grins joyfully-

Michael: -bending over Lucian's shoulder- I tell ya. I think that guy swings the other way.

Lucian: Uh, huh. -stares at the body of the really old man- ... -tilts his head- Doyou really think he's dead?

Sonja: -tries to be optimistic- I'm sure there's still hope for him. poor guy, barely... ninety... years... old... -she seams to slow down when she speaks, not sure about what she's saying-

Erika: Really? You really think he's gonna live? -eyes wide with surprise-

Sonja: -.- No, frankly I think he's dead.

Erika: -deceptively- ...Oh.

A scornful old woman passes by them and rolls her eyes.

Scornful woman: Humph! Look at that, Edward! Not even a tuxedo on.

Lucian: -snarls- -.- I knew it.

They went to the table and sat. Kraven noticed, to his dismay, children seated at the table in back of his seat. 'Oh-oh.'

Selene: Ok, Michael, you sit here. Erika, beside Kraven -Erika wriggles her eyebrows at Kraven-, Sonja, next to Erika and Lucian, next to Sonja. And I'm between Michael and Kraven.

Kraven: ... -.- I think we noticed.

Selene: -hissing and showing off her fangs-

The waiter arrives with the menus.

Waiter: -ginning madly- 'Ere iz your menuz. -eyes glinting-

Lucian, as he got his menu: -leans in and whispers to Michael- I think he likes his job too much.

Michael : -sniggering- Mister! You look happy, are you? -Lucian snorts, hiding his face behind his menu and Sonja glares at Michael-

Waiter: -face lights up- OOhh! Ov courze! Ah ha! I'm happy, happy, happy, all night long!

Everyone: O.O

Kraven: Uh.. ya. um. What are you guys ordering?

Erika: OoOoOoOo. Do you have 'fresh' blood -looks pointedly at Kraven who shoots his hands up in innocence.-

Everyone: O.O

Kraven: It wasn't me! -outraged- It was Soren! He bought it!

Michael -opens his mouth to sing something but was interrupted by Selene.-

Selene: Don't even think about it! -pointing at him-

Waiter: Ov courze I do! -laughing merrily- Vant to taste? -jokingly-

Erika: ...Hmmm... -licks lips-

A few seconds later, we see the waiter yelping as shaking his hand in the air in a 'gay' way. Frightened to death, he was crying his eyes out, accompanied by two waiters, he left to the kitchens.

moment of silence-

Selene: Erika! -outraged- Did you HAVE to bite him!

Erika: What! -annoyed- It looked tasty... kinda bony though.

Everyone: O.o

Lucian: -rolls his eyes- So let's order.

Everyone: -opens their menus-

Sonja: -breaking the silence- Uh.. Lads.. it's .. in. um French...

DUN DUN DUN!
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