Categories > Movies > Underworld > UFV - Underworld's Funniest Home Videos

Non, mais...!

by Anyanka 0 Reviews

So THATS what happens when you put the vamps and lycans in the human world! LOTSA bloopers A story by your hosts... um, authors! Anya and Marie! Rated R for language.

Category: Underworld - Rating: R - Genres: Humor - Characters: Amelia, Erika, Kraven, Lucian, Marcus, Michael, Selene, Sonja, Viktor - Warnings: [!!] [?] - Published: 2005/08/18 - Updated: 2005/08/18 - 2251 words

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And back at the Grand Chic, a part of the Underworld gang is sitting at a table, looking at the menus. The French menus...

Everyone: O.O


Kraven : What! -turns to Selene, speechless- Selene... what does that mean!


Selene: What? Everyone needs some diversity sometimes! -rolls her eyes and returns to her menu-


Kraven: -stuttering- B-b-but... what exactly were you thinking? How do you expect me to understand a damn word that is listed in that bloody menu?


Michael: It's true, Selene, we don't understand anything in French. -adds as an after thought- And may it stay as it is.


Erika: -scrolls down her menu- Yeah, take the beverages for instance: what does 'Coca Light' mean?


Everyone: -.-


Kraven: -gives her a blank look- It's a Cola, you stupid bimbo.


Erika: Oh. -realises what Kraven just said- HEY!


Sonja: -annoyed- Can we just order, please?


Selene: -mutters- Finally someone cooperating.


Lucian: Good idea, I suggest that we just pick something from the menu.


Kraven: -stares blankly at him- You're kidding, aren't you.


Lucian: -with lycan eyes and snarls- Do I look like I'm kidding?


Kraven: Fine! As you wish! -returns to his menu as everyone does so. At this moment, he feels like something hitting the back of his head. He turns around and sees a little brat of a kid grinning madly at him, with a straw and some Kleenex papers in his hands- Piss off, punk!


Lucian: -raises his head and glares disbelievingly at Kraven- Would you like to repeat that? You blood sucking creature!

Selene: Now, now. No need for harsh words, guys.

Everyone, save Michael: -glares at Selene-

Selene: -sinks in her chair and gives a feeble 'sorry...?'.

Michael: O.O -knocks on Selene's head- Selene? Is that you?

Selene: -.- ... no shit, it's the Pope.

Everyone: ... -.-

Lucian: Back to the matter at hand, KRAVEN. -glares-

Kraven: -looks confused- I'm sorry?

Lucian: I am no - puts emphasis on the word- PUNK.


Kraven: ... OH! Nah, man... -laughs nervously- it's a misunderstanding, I wasn't----


Lucian: - cuts him off and laughs sarcastically- I'm not stupid, dude, you just told me to sod off!


Kraven: No, I didn't! I was talking to--- - at this moment, the same fucking brat throws him another spit ball- -Kraven dryly turns around- I told you to fuck off, you son of a bitch!


Lucian: -stands up with anger- I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SWEARING, YOU ASSHOLE! IF YOU WANT TO FIGHT, THERE'S A PARKING LOT RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW WAITING FOR YOUR ASS TO LIE DEAD ON IT!


Kraven: -stands up, outraged- What the fuck are you talking about, you jerk, I haven't talked to you at all! -adds as an after thought- And besides, what's the interest in speaking with a filthy animal like you, anyway?


Sonja gasps in shock as Selene, Michael, and Erika: O.O

Selene: Can we just NOT fight in here!

Michael: -whimpers, to Selene- WHAT HAVE YOU BECOME!

Selene: ... -.- Jesus.

Collective gasp from Michael and Erika.

Selene: -rolls eyes-


Lucian: -to Kraven- -with clenched teeth - You're starting to get on my nerves, you fuckin bastard--


At this point, the major part of the restaurant have their heads turned towards their table and Selene, Michael, Sonja, and Erika feel like sinking under the table.


Selene: -between her teeth- Kraven, you bloody idiot, can you just put your ass on your chair and shut the fuck up? Everyone has their eyes stuck on your spankable ugly face!


Kraven looks around as he glares at the crowd and slowly sits down. But instead of sitting on his chair, he falls on the floor. He then hears innocent giggles coming from behind. He looks over his shoulder and sees this same bloody brat that has been harassing him fro the last ten bloody minutes.


Kraven: -gets up in a hurry- YOU FUCKIN' SON OF A BITCH, FUCK OFF OR I'LL DRINK YOUR ENTIRE BLOOD TO THE LAST GULP!


Lucian: -brings his hand to his forehead in understanding- Oh! So, he was talking to the kid!


Selene: Kraven, for heaven's sake, it's only a kid!


Kraven: -turns to Selene- Screw the age, I feel like eating him up! -turns to the kid. The kid isn't here anymore. Instead, a tall and brawny man is standing. The kid's father. (Picture Kane from WWE)


Everyone: O.O


A few moments later, they all got their plates they ordered and Kraven has a huge black eye.


Erika: -looks disgustingly at her plate- This doesn't even look edible.


Michael: -shrugs and smiles- Actually, what I'm eating's really good! Finally, it was an awesome idea to come here, Selene.


Kraven: -mutters- Speak for yourself. -rubs his black eye- Ouch!


Lucian: For once you're right, dude. -looks weirdly at what he's been TRYING to eat- What the heck is that stuff anyway?


Sonja: -blankly- Why don't you ask the waiter?


Lucian: -looks blankly back at her- Right. That would be smart. "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me what I'm eating exactly?" I'll look like a dork.


Kraven: -mutters- Nothing new. -Selene slowly reaches behind his head and hits him- Ouch! .


Michael: Come on, dude, what do you have to lose?


Lucian: My reputation. -we hear Kraven mutters "oh, what a loss, really." And then a "ouch!"-


Michael: -tossing his "unidentified" food in his mouth and speaking to Lucian- Yep, you're right.


Lucian: -moment of silence- And bloody hell, screw it. Uh, 'scuse me, sir...


He calls for a sturdy man who's passing by with a pile of trays in his hands, but this one goes away and instead, a young, blonde waitress arrives. Lucian's jaws are at this point on the floor as Sonja glares at him, Selene enjoys her meal, Michael OVER-enjoys his meal, Kraven is rubbing his black eye, and Erika's staring weirdly at her plate.


Waitress: -smiles in a very cheesy way- How may I help you?


Lucian: -stutters- Uh... hi. -moment of silence- -receives Sonja's elbow in the ribs- Ow! Uh, yeah, hum... could you please tell me what I'm eating? -waitress stares blankly at him and Lucian thinking "great..." sarcastically- Uh, I mean... I just want to know... I'm not eating... brains or anything such as this, am I?


Waitress: -Cheesy smile back on her face and laughs merrily- No, no, no! Not at all! -Michael takes a bite of the appreciated meal of his- Mister, here is enjoying the brains. -puts her hands on Michael's shoulders-


Everyone: O.O


Lucian: -Grins mockingly after letting out a huge sigh of relief- Oh, thanks! I just wanted to make sure!


At this point, Michael's hue turns green and he remains with his mouth opened till the waitress is out of sight. When she leaves, he spits the food in his napkin (sounding like that: blughhhhhhhhh) and heads to the washroom, without saying a word, yet gagging every two seconds.

Everyone: O.O


At this moment, the doors of the restaurant slam open and Viktor storms in, followed by Soren. He doesn't look quite happy. What a surprise!


Everyone (including people in the restaurant): O.O


Lucian: -rolls eyes- Fuck, not again.


Erika: Uh-oh.


Viktor: -glares deadly at Lucian- YOU! What in the bloody hell are you doing with my daughter?


Sonja : -stares mournfully at her plate-

Kraven: -throws his arms around his head with a pained expression on his face, afraid that Viktor would hit him any second.


Lucian: Uh.... Having dinner?

Viktor: ...O.o... -looks outraged- Your kind... -realises he was about to spill out the Truth- ... of blood... -looks uneasily around the room- will never be good enough for my daughter...!

Random guy in the room: OH, THAT WAS A LOW SHOT!

Other random people: YEAH! -unidentified blabber ensues-

Viktor: -glares around the room, silently seething- ... You think you're funny, do you!

Lucian: -silence- ... yes...?

Same random guy: OOOOOOH BUUUUUUUURN!


Viktor: ... Sonja! I order you to follow me NOW! I do not want you in the presence of this bea--- man! (A/N: he was gonna say beast btw)

Random guy: A bee! Right, and I'm Spiderman!

Sonja: -clearly embarrassed, gives a whimper-like:- Daaaaaaaaaaad.........

Lucian: -has an idea- Oh, but you see, my dear friend -emphasis on word 'friend'- we're here by the invitation of Kraven, here. -gives a small, friendly punch on Kraven's shoulder, while smirking mischievously.


Kraven squeals and dares to look up, fearing that Viktor could kill him at any split second. Then, Viktor glares down at him and Kraven sinks under the table, squealing fearfully.

Spit ball kid behind: HAAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! -points and laughs-

Kraven under the table: D'oh!

Lucian: -gives up a huge yawn and casually puts his arm around Sonja's shoulders, smirking like he's never smirked in his life. (if that made any sense whatsoever)


Viktor: -gives up a growl of pure exasperation, knowing that he could never have anything done in front of these "bloody humans", how he calls them- -stalks off-

Erika: -quick on her feet, cries out- Viktor, wait! Caviar sauté really isn't my thing you know! -follows him-


Kraven: -realises he's still under the table- Hey! -tries to get out but bumps his head in the process- D'oh! -stands up finally and throws his wallet on the table- I've had it. I'm leaving. Take all the money you'd like, BUT I'M LEAVING THIS AWFUL PLACE!

Lucian: -eyes falling on the wallet- Oooooooh, mullah, mullah!

Kraven follows Viktor and Erika towards the exit-

Kid: Look, mommy! There's a funny-looking guy with a black eye and a bump on his head!

Kraven: ... GAH!

Soren: -shrugs- eh...! -sits down. Everyone looks at him. He looks at everyone. .......... Silence- Hmmm... Okay. -gets up and leaves, realising that he is clearly unwanted there.

Lucian: -sighs in relief- It's about time.


Suddenly, they all hear a shriek coming from the washroom.


Everyone: O.O


-Moment of silence-


Selene: -sits up straight- Michael!

And then Michael pops out back in his chair, along with a soft 'ding!'.... nah, just kidding.

Actually, he wobbled his way back to the table, more likely.


Michael: -sits down as if nothing has happened- You guys have no idea what happened to me in the washroom! -no one's answering so he continues- So I got in the washroom and puked my soul out ----

Sonja: ... -closes her eyes in abhorrence and hold up her hand- Save it, please?

Michael: ... Yeah, so when I came out of the cabin, I saw a woman passing in front of me, so I figured out that I was in the LADIES' bathroom!

Sonja: -turns to Selene- So, that's the scream we heard before!


Selene: Most probably.


Michael: I'm not finished! So, I hurried out of the washroom and a woman happened to pass by. Seeing me coming out of the washroom and thinking that this was the MEN's washroom, she went in the other one! -bursts out laughing and ends up screaming of laughter-


Everyone: o.O


Michael: -laughter ending suddenly- So, did I miss something?


Selene: -shrugging- Oh, nothing special, except Lucian humiliating Viktor.


Michael: -looks down- Aw, damn the brains!



In the meantime, near the exit---


Soren: -looks weirdly at Kraven and points at black eye- What happened to you--- -sees the lump and his finger shifts upwards- ... Ow... -dumbly-

Kraven: -takes a deep breath and with Greek accent- Inside zis lump... vaz my twin.

Soren, Viktor, and Erika: O.O

Kraven: ... Mi scusi, I watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding yesterday. Long story short, that big sack of shite over there punched me.


Viktor: -rolls eyes- Then, I shall go and congratulate him.



At this moment, a Indian waiter passes by with a huge empty tray that he's transporting with one hand above his head. When he passes beside Kraven, this one knocks his head onto the tray.

Kraven: OW! -falls to the floor-

Waiter with an Indian accent: -stops walking- Oooh, I'm soorie, soorie, soorie!

Kraven: -gets up-
Viktor: -to the waiter- Don't be sorry. We all do it. -effortlessly punches Kraven who falls to the floor again-

Kraven: X+ Ow...

Viktor: See? And moreover, if feels good.

Waiter: -looking frightened, scurries off-

Kraven: -Gets up and rubs his jaw- That's it, rub it in...

Soren suddenly hits him.

Kraven: OW! WHAT THE FUCK'S YOUR PROBLEM NOW?

Soren: I don't know... he said it felt good hitting you. -chuckles- Hehe, that's kinda true... wanna try, Erika?

Kraven: NOOOOO! Don't touch me! Let's leave this place!

Unidentified and irritating voice: Are you looking for some place to sit?


-A very old waitress is standing behind them, this smug expression on her face-


Viktor: -sternly- No, we were just leaving.


Kraven: -mutters exasperatingly- Where is she coming from, now?


Soren: Uh... from the kitchen? -receives Kraven and Viktor's glares- I'll shut up, now.


Old waitress: Nah, you can't leave like that! Not when you haven't tasted the Chef's speciality!


Erika: And what is that? Veal lungs?


Waitress: Nah, nah, nah, today's specialty is black pudding!


Erika: O.O What's that, now?


Kraven: Dried blood sausage. -Erika glares at him as to remember him of-- - Don't look at me like that! It was his fault! -points at Soren-


Soren: What, now? -shoots hands in the air-


Viktor: Let's leave this place. -glares around the place- These mortals are starting to get on my nerves.


Erika and Soren follow him to the exit.


Kraven: -tries to get away- Wait for---


Waitress: -grabs him by the arm- Nah, nah, nah, you're staying with me! -drags him back into the restaurant-


Kraven: -slow motion- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
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