Ray trusts Monica with a secret that haunts him
"Hey man, sorry I'm late." Gerard said when he reached the spot where Ray was standing.
"We did what we could but we need you, there's time so no sweat." He flicked the cigarette butt away. "Go on in and talk to Mikey, he's still kind of upset."
Gerard nodded. He started to walk thru the door but Ray spoke, "I need to talk to Monica a minute. We will be right in."
Monica sensed Gerard was going to disagree so she spoke up, "Go ahead, I'll be there in a minute." She gave in a quick kiss.
He looked at Ray but decided not to push the matter. 'Yea, OK babe."
Once the door closed behind him Ray spoke "Is everything OK between you and Gee?" Without really thinking he took another cigarette out of the pack and proceeded to light it.
"We are fine, Ray. He told me he was sorry. We talked." She didn't take offence to him asking because she knew where he was coming from. They were all worried about Gerard.
Inhaling he looked at her without speaking for a minute. She waited patiently knowing he still had more to say. "Monica, Gee is in a bad place right now about this business with Liv. He really needs you."
"I understand that, I really do. Gee loved her very much and the thought of having a child that is theirs is messing with his mind."
"But what about your mind? How do you really feel about this? He may have a child with his ex-lover." he asked looking at her to gage her reaction.
The thought of Liv and Gee having a child hurt her deeply. She looked away not wanting Ray to see the pain in her eyes. "I love Gee with all my heart. Ray I am not going to lie to you. It is painful to think of him having a child with her." She paused then added. "I can never give Gee a child."
He was surprised, "I'm sorry I didn't know."
She tried to smile, "That's what makes this harder for me. Knowing she may have given him the one thing I can't." She paused a moment then made a decision to tell him the truth, "My husband beat me when I was pregnant, I lost the baby and the ability to ever have children."
Ray was shocked, "Son of a bitch, I'm sorry Monica. I didn't know. Fuck, I'm sorry."
"Ray, I know that I'm not your favorite person in the world."
He cut her off, "I never said I didn't like you. There is just something about you that makes me leery. None of us can stomach the thought of Gee getting hurt again."
She appreciated his honesty. "I promise you I will try never to hurt Gee. I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone. At first I tried to fight the feeling but it was impossible."
"Just stick with him Monica, he needs you. Don't let him drive you away. He told us in the van today that you have suffered too much in your life already and he didn't want to add to it."
Monica shook her head, "Neither of us wants to hurt the other. But I know we need each other."
Something was still wrong; Monica could see it in his face. "Ray what is it?"
He took a deep drag on his cigarette before speaking, "I want to tell you something I haven't told anyone else. Guess its been eating away at me. I knew that Liv had a child. I saw her about a year ago and she had the baby with her. Like I said she always fucking hated me. She laughed when I saw her. She held the baby so I could see it and said "looks like him don't you think?" before walking away." He looked down at the ground and in a low whisper said, "I never told Gee. I just never told him. Now when this all comes out it could destroy our friendship."
Monica took a step closer to him "Ray, why didn't you tell him?"
He shook his head sadly, "He had been so fucking hurt by her. You couldn't even say her name without him going into a black mood. Fuck, I didn't know if it was his or if she had fucked some other guy and had his kid. Mostly I was afraid that if I told him he would go back to her." He was questioning his decision, questioning if it had been right for Gee or if he had done it for the group.
Monica understood better than he thought, "Ray don't beat yourself up over this. Yea, it would have been bad for all of you if he had gone back to her. But you had his best interest at heart, you were protecting him.
Ray threw the cigarette into the dark parking lot. "Would Gee see it that way? Or would be hate me for not telling him?"
"I hope he would realize how much you guys love him."
Ray smiled sadly, "Yea I hope he would realize it. Thanks Monica" He put his arms around her giving her a quick hug,
She hugged him back. "Come on we better get you back in there. Lets just hope he never finds out you knew about her child. I will never mention it."
They walked thru the door and into the back stage area of the Aragon Ballroom.
There was a flurry of activity. The rest of the guys were on the stage and seemed to be waiting for Ray. He quickly took his place and they began to play. From her spot just off stage Monica watched and smiled. Gee smiled at her and she waved. Ray glanced over at her and smiled too. She silently prayed that Gee would never find out Ray's secret. Sometimes doing what was best for someone you love forces you to make decision you aren't proud of.
When they had finished Gerard walked up and hugged her tightly. "So what did you think?"
"Well maybe just cause I'm in love with the singer I think MCR is the best band in the world."
He laughed, "Best in the world? Yea, for sure I think its cause you love the singer." He took her hand and led her towards the dressing rooms in the back. "Now comes the part that tears at your nerves, waiting to go on. Frank will be nauseous. Mikey will practice and the rest of us try to work out our nervous energy. We used to do a shit load of jumping jacks. Now not so many." He stopped and took her in his arms, "I know how I wish I could work off my nervous energy," he whispered to her.
Monica ran her finger across his lips, "Didn't we already work off some of that energy?"
"Oh honey I got lots more that needs taking care of." Mikey was coming down the hall so he backed her against the wall pressing his body to hers.
Mikey rolled his eyes "Hey get a room".
"Shut up Mikey" Gerard answered without looking at him.
"Rise Against" is getting ready to go on in about 20 minutes." Mikey told him without breaking his stride. He walked into the dressing room that was theirs. Suddenly he popped back into the hallway, "Monica, glad you forgave my fucking idiot of a brother."
"Once again, shut up Mikey" Gerard answered still looking at Monica. "Annoying little brother," he told her.
Monica smiled "Annoying little brother who loves you very much"
"Yea, I know. What he said was true. Thank you for forgiving me." His smile slipped.
"Gee, let it go. I have. And about that nervous energy. After a concert do you still have energy that needs release?"
"Oh baby, you have no idea." He leaned foreword and kissed her breastbone.
She ran her hands down his thighs, "Well then I will have to help you out with that, won't I?