What happens when Artemis Fowl finds his own biography? Is he going to let Colfer continue his authoring career, or will he be silenced by the infamous criminal?
"May I help you, young man?" a clueless, well-meaning clerk asked as she approached him.
"Unless you can write and publish a reasonably good three hundred page novel in under thirty seconds, then, no, there is nothing you can do," he said emotionlessly. The woman was not quite sure how to respond to this, and left in a hurry. Artemis's scowl did not diminish in the slightest.
He wandered between the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, looking for something, anything to read. A sparkle of gold caught his eye, and for a fleeting moment he thought it might be the glint of precious metal. Artemis mentally reprimanded himself for this inward moment of weakness. He glanced at the book's spine, which was near the floor. He knelt down to see it better, removing the book from its place amongst the other books on the shelf. A slight feeling of anticipation flickered in his heart, and he turned the book to the front cover. It was, of course, not made of gold; however, it was cleverly designed to appear as a journal, complete with a keyhole, made of sparkling gold.
The dull, dark gold characters in the middle of the cover caught his eye even before the large white lettering of the title did. His brain recognized the Gnommish text and began translating it before he realized what he was reading.
"Carry me always, carry me well. I am thy teacher of herb and spell." The first two sentences of the fairy Book leapt out at him. It was then that he thought to read the title of the book, hands growing cold and clammy in nervous anticipation. His eyes darted to the words. They were quite familiar:
"Butler!" said Artemis. It was a voice he reserved for intense emergencies: low and calm, but with a darkness strong enough to convey a sense of urgency only to those who knew him best. Needless to say, Butler knew him best and came running about two seconds later.
"Sorry I'm late. What's the-" The words died in his throat as his eyes fell upon the cover of the book Artemis held in front of his face. Butler could not read the Gnommish symbols nearly as fast as Artemis, but was able to decipher the meaning in under a minute. The title of the book certainly made things easier.
"What's going on, here, Artemis?"
"I don't know, Butler. But I intend to find out."
You almost had to feel sorry for the poor soul who had written the book. Because he was very close by, and about to have a heart attack.
Colfer maintained absolute silence. He could hear his quickened heartbeat resounding in his ears, and willed himself to calm down. In the midst of looking for the fiction of up-and-coming writers, he had overheard Artemis speaking Gnommish to himself. He grew nervous when he realized it was text from the Book, and more importantly, HIS book. When Artemis called Butler over and began discussing it with him, Colfer made a mad dash for the exit of the bookstore, taking the long way so Artemis wouldn't see him. He drove home- uncharacteristically above the speed limit- and contacted Foaly from the safety of his home computer.
"How are you, Eoin?" the centaur said warmly. His smile faded when he saw the look on Colfer's face.
"Not so good. Artemis Fowl found his biography." The color drained from Foaly's face.
"What do you plan to do?"
"Well, I'm not sure. Obviously, Fowl is going to come looking for me, and if that stare of his doesn't get me, Butler certainly will."
"You could always do a stakeout at his house and find out his next move." Colfer smiled.
"That's true. I'll need your help, though, Foaly."
"Let me guess: You need me to make you invisible by hacking the system and feeding it a loop while you get live video and audio from any given room at any given time?"
"Yep, that sounds about right," said Colfer, trying not to laugh at the centaur's display of less-than-humble ingenuity. Foaly never ceased to amaze him.
"Just make sure you bring some cam-foil with you in the event that something goes wrong. Not that anything will."
"No problem, Eoin." Foaly terminated the link. The author grew more and more nervous as he loaded two sheets of cam-foil, a standard LEP headset, microphone, and display, and a fairy communicator into his backpack. Even though the equipment was fairy-sized, he barely had enough room for a sandwich and water bottle in the bag on top of it all. He set off for Fowl Manor while Foaly hacked the system, using the cam-foil to find a safe vantage point beneath Artemis's study. Foaly gave him the all clear, and he placed a tiny yet extremely sensitive microphone on the metal part of the windowsill. Artemis wouldn't be able to see it, and the metal would help conduct vibrations from his voice into the mic. He returned to his hiding place moments before the Bentley pulled into the driveway. Taking several deep breaths and listening intently, Eoin Colfer sat back and waited.