i dont like this chapter. i dont think its that great. tell me what you think.
i'm almost positive ive made up my mind about college.
theres nothing for me here really, so why stay?
but what about your friends? you're just gonna leave them?
no...yes...i dont know. stop making this harder for me!
we had all gathered at a diner to hang out before time was up and we'd all be in different place away from eachother.
frank had picked me up and drove me here, unfortunatly. we were in a fight. i'm beginning to think that dating him was not a good idea. because now i find him annoying at times, i NEVER found him annoying when we were best friends. what if our relationship goes up in flames and our friendship goes with it?
i seriously dont want that to happen.
we were all seated in a booth, i was sitting next to frank and amy. i love amy and all, but sitting next to her while shes sitting next to gerard really isnt great. oh man, if only she knew how i felt about him. she would be so angry.
but i wouldnt really care, because ive liked him way longer then she could ever say shes known him. i've loved Gerard since the day we met, in 9th grade.
"frank, not here. we're in public!" i said angrily. frank was starting another arguement.
"hannah, i only said i disagreed with you on one thing, i wasnt starting anything!" he retorted. i huffed and scooted closer to amy.
she looked at me sypathetically, and i shook my head.
amy looked around the group and back at me. "uhh hey guys, hannah and I are just gonna go outside and talk for a bit, kay?" she asked sweetly. Gerard said something to her along the lines of 'be back soon sweetie' and kissed her forehead, and i looked down. i didnt really want to see that at the moment.
amy and i made our way out of the booth and out the door onto a patio type area. we sat down on some steps.
"ames, i dont get it, i thought frankie and i would work." i sniffed, the cold air causing my nose to run.
"brode, not everything works out. its not your fault you two just arent meant to be." she comforted.
she continued, "i mean look at me and gerard, who knows? we could be meant for eachother, and we not be. you just have to stick around and find out." she smiled, i thought about them having a life together in the future with little amys and gerards running around.
oh god. oh god why did i picture that?
it made me angry. I wish i knew what it was like to be with gerard. to be kissed by gerard, and held...but i missed my chance.
i waited too long and i missed it. and for that, i kick myself.
it was silent until amy broke it again,
"you wanna know something funny?" she grinned at me, i grinned back and replied with a 'what?'.
"well, i thought at first you had a thing for gerard." she giggled and looked at my reaction.
i froze. the only thing that came out of my mouth was a nervous laugh.
she laughed again, "yeah and i thought he had a thing for you too!"
that hit me, hard. did he have a thing for me before amy came along? oh boy i would feel like a dumbshit. i would never be able to live with myself. had i really missed the only chance i had to get together with gerard? i blew it. im such an idiot.
i felt my eyes sting. oh no, i was crying.
i think amy noticed and she put a hand on my back and asked me what was wrong. she looked concerned and rubbed my shoulder.
i just shook my head and ran out to the parking lot and down the sidewalk home. i heard my name being called, but i ignored it.
im an idiot, such a big idiot. what was wrong with me?
i walked/cried my way home. when i got there i was glad to see that both my mother and riley had gone out. i ran to my room and layed down on my bed, still crying a little.
i couldnt stay in belleville. i had to leave all of this behind.
sure, id miss my friends, but they didnt need me. plus, frank and i were going nowhere.
i felt my pocket vibrate and i took out my phone. someone was calling me.
"Hannah what was that about? what did i say?!" came the frantic voice of amy.
i just sort of made a groaning noise, signaling i didnt want to talk about it. i was about to use actual words too, but she cut me off.
"here, gerard wants to talk to you." i groaned even loader.
i waited for a moment, and i could hear the fuzziness of the phone being handed over.
"hannah? hey bud, whats wrong? why did you leave?" he asked sadly, i felt sort of bad.
"i dont know gerard, i just didnt feel good." i lied. well, half lied.
"brode, amy said you were crying. people usually dont cry about not feeling good. come on, tell me whats wrong." he pried, i was gonna make up something.
"i...i..im just stressed about college is all." i sniffed.
he sighed, "aww brode its gonna be okay. you dont have to cry." he cooed. "I mean sure its something to worry about but remember, we're your friends and we're hear for you." i could almost see him smiling on the other side of the phone. i smiled too.
then, i dropped the smile. this made me feel ten times worse. i was planning on going to USC. which is 3000 miles from here.
i started to cry again.
"hannah...no, come on, dont cry bud. please dont cry." gerard pleaded. "want me to come over and cry with you?" he offered. it would have been nice, to spend some alone time with gerard, but i declined. i didnt want him feeling sorry for me.
but then wait...maybe if he came over i could tell him about frank and he could help me somehow.
"wait, gerard?" i asked.
"actually, it would be nice if you came over, but just you."
"okay. ill be over in a few." he said and hung up.
i sighed and layed back down and waited for gee to show up.
i slowly started to fall asleep.