Daniel prepares to leave Darren.
Soon you woke up and I felt you move, I looked up at you.
"Good morning gorgeous!" I said.
"Good morning love!" you replied, smiling.
Then you kissed me, a tender kiss, which seemed to have so much love contained in it. I responded to your kiss, my tongue probing deeply into your mouth. We'd barely had more than three hours sleep after making love throughout the night but I was more than ready for more of you. You kissed me so passionately that I was almost convinced that you had changed your mind about leaving me. I thought that if you loved me as much as you said you did, and as much as I felt you did, then there was no way you were really going to be able to leave me and end our relationship.
We then made love passionately, and afterwards we lay together for a while, you held me so close as I lay my body half across yours, my head on your chest listening again to your heartbeat, it was so soothing; then you kissed me and said you had to go.
"Not yet, Danny!" I protested, I moved my body further across yours to prevent you getting up.
"Dar love, I have to go...there's no point in putting it off any longer it'll only make things harder for both of us!"
I gave you one of my cheekiest grins and kissed you.
"That's what I'm counting on...making 'things' harder!" I said as I winked at you.
"Darren Hayes you are unbelievable; you know damn well that's not what I meant!" you said trying so hard not to laugh. "I'm surprised you haven't worn it out after last night!"
"Never! Besides don't they say if you don't use it you lose it?"
"Well if that's true, yours should be safe! Come on hun, let me get up!"
"That's what I'm trying to do!" I said cheekily as my hand went down to your groin.
"Darren...this is serious...it's not a game!"
I felt you were getting annoyed with me but I still didn't want to let you get up.
"You think I don't know how serious it is...do you think my heart breaking doesn't tell me how serious it is? Please Danny...don't go!"
"I'm not going over it again...I HAVE to go!" you said firmly.
You pushed me gently off of you and then you got out of our bed and went to take a shower, alone. I sat on the bed feeling so lost and dejected.
While you were in the shower I thought about our conversation the night before, where you told me how you'd felt when Kathy first gave you the news.
"I just couldn't believe it," you said. "I really thought she was joking...she has got a strange sense of humour sometimes...but it wasn't a joke...she really meant it! She was upset...even more so when I didn't exactly jump for joy at the news...I couldn't be happy about it...I just felt...numb!"
"You're happy about it now though...that you're going to be a father?"
"I'm not sure I'd say I'm happy...I'm resigned to the fact that it's happening I guess...I don't think it's fully sunk in yet! I told her not to worry...that I'd stand by her and we'd be a family...all the things I knew I should say...but all I could really think about was...how was I gonna tell you?"
"So you did think about me then?"
"Of course I thought about you...I thought about nothing else all night! She was there with me but all I could think about was you...about how I could tell you about the baby and that it was over. I knew I had to end it with you, no matter how much I didn't want to, it was the only thing I could do. I went through so much agony trying to think of an easy way to tell you...a way that wasn't going to hurt you too much. I finally realised that there wasn't an easy way of giving you that kind of news...you were going to be hurt no matter what I said! I was in a heck of a state coming over here, knowing what I had to tell you, what I had to do. The thought of confessing to you that I'd been dumb enough to get Kathy pregnant...that freaked me out so much! I even stopped the car down the street on the way over here and just sat there for about half an hour, I just didn't know if I could face you; that's why I was so late getting here!"
"You were afraid of telling me?"
"Shit...of course I was! Like you said, we always promised we'd be careful! You just don't know how difficult it was for me to come here and tell you. I thought you'd be so angry that you'd kick my arse straight out of the door again!"
I smiled at you, how could you think that I'd be angry with you? Actually I was angry but that's not the point...I couldn't STAY angry with you.
"I can think of a lot better things to do with your arse than kicking it," I said. "Like fucking it for instance!"
"Dar...we're supposed to be having a serious, grown up, conversation here!"
"I know...but I'd much rather be shagging you senseless instead! If you're really going to end it, I'll have to make do with my hand after tonight!"
"You'll soon forget about me and find someone else...you're too beautiful to be alone too long!"
"Except I don't want anyone else...I only want you! I know you think I'm being selfish but I love you and I'm not gonna let go of you that easily!"
"You can fight it all you want babe, but it's going to happen! The sooner you accept it the easier it's going to be for you. I love you but I have to do the right thing...I have to be there for my child!"
"I know you do...I know it's the right thing...I know it's your duty...!"
I said the words but I hated it all the same; I didn't want to let you go.
"That's right, it's my duty to stand by Kathy and the child she's carrying; I've told her I'm going to do it and I will!"
"Ok...do what you have to...tomorrow!" I pouted. "Tonight you're mine and I don't want to hear another word about her or the kid!"
I pulled you into my arms and kissed you, then we made love yet again and not for the last time that night.
I was thinking about the night before and I thought that maybe you were thinking about it too and that when you came out of the shower you would say that you couldn't do it, that you were staying with me after all. However, when you came out of the bathroom, you got dressed and, without saying a word, you started packing your things to leave, as planned.
I was surprised at how much stuff you'd left at my house over time, I just sat on the bed with my back against the wall, watching you. I was numb, and I couldn't believe you were really going to do it; you were really going to leave me! I really thought the previous night would have made you change your mind, made you realise that you can't do without me, because I don't believe you can. Not long ago you were inside me, telling me how much you loved me, but you're still leaving! Desperation filled me again, panic rising at the thought of losing you. I had to try again to get you to stay.
"Danny please stay!" I pleaded. "Don't leave me!"
I didn't care how pathetic I might sound to you; I was just desperate for you to stay. You sighed in frustration.
"Darren I thought we had this sorted," you said. "I've told you so many times...I have to do this...I can't abandon her!"
Deep down, I knew you were right; you've always been too nice a guy to be able to abandon someone when they need you and it wouldn't be right for you to leave her alone now. I knew it...I'd even agreed as much while we were talking during the night hadn't I? Now in the cold light of day, I wasn't so sure. All I could think was, what about me? You were abandoning me just when I needed you; I couldn't bear it! My tears were threatening to fall again.
"But Danny...you don't love her...you know you don't!"
"Maybe I don't but I have responsibilities Dar, you and I have used Kathy as cover for our relationship and now that this has happened, I have to do the right thing...I have to!"
I was struggling so hard to keep the tears from falling; my throat was hurting from the effort. I thought I could handle this but now I knew I couldn't.
"Danny please don't leave me...please stay...please!"
You sighed again and came to sit beside me on the bed, taking my hand in yours and caressing it gently.
"Darren...we talked about this...you were ok with it...you agreed it was the right thing to do!"
"I know I did...I know...but I love you...I don't want to lose you!"
The tears were streaming down my face again. You took me gently into your arms and held me close.
"I love you and I don't want to lose you either, leaving you is killing me; but I can't be with you anymore Dar, I'm sorry but I can't! I have to do the right thing by Kathy and the baby! I can't put her second any more and you deserve to be more than second best."
"Does she know that you don't love her?"
"No, she believes that I do love her...there's no reason for her to know any different...I have to devote my life to her now...I owe it to her!"
"Does she know about us?"
"No, she doesn't...and I don't want you telling her to stir up trouble!"
I looked up at you.
"I wouldn't do that! But how can you waste your life with someone you don't love? We only have one life...don't we deserve to be happy?"
You closed your eyes and sighed yet again before looking at me, I think you were getting really frustrated with me. I knew I was repeating myself but I didn't care, I thought if I begged enough you'd change your mind.
"Dar, of course we deserve to be happy but doesn't she? She's done nothing wrong...she's been faithful and supportive...she loves me and now she's having my baby...what do you expect me to do? You said it yourself...I can't leave her to bring it up alone...I have to be with her!"
"Maybe I was wrong...women bring up kids by themselves all the time!"
"Only if the father is a drop kick...you know that's not me!"
"Of course you're not...the last thing I'd call you is a drop kick! But you can still be a father to the child...I won't stop you; but you don't have to give me up to live with someone you don't love, just so you can be a father!"
"Maybe not, but I don't want to be a part time father and if being a full time father means I have to live with someone I don't love and give up someone who I do love, then so be it! The baby has to come first, this child deserves to have a proper father, and I intend to be there for it! It's not the baby's fault!"
"Of course it's not the child's fault, it's her fault! She did it deliberately...you know that don't you? She didn't just 'accidentally' get pregnant! I don't care what you think, she wanted to trap you, and now she has! I think she does know about us...she must at least suspect...and she knew that this was the only way to get you all to herself...the only thing that she could give you that I can't!"
I was so desperate to keep you that I was getting angry.
"Maybe she does suspect something and maybe she did get pregnant deliberately, but it doesn't matter if she did it deliberately or not, the fact remains that she is having a baby and I'm the father; whether we like it or not! The baby is a fact...she's not getting rid of it and I wouldn't ask her to, so we just have to make the best of it! I'm sorry Darren; I love you but I'm not prepared to keep going over this...I have to go!"
You kissed me and then you collected your things and headed for the door. I was too angry to beg any more.
"Ok fine...go to her! See if she can give you what I can, you know she can't; you'll be back! One day you'll be sorry, when you realise how much you need me! You depend on me...you need me Danny...you need what I can give you! The only thing she can give you that I can't is a baby...she can't give you anything else; what happens when the kid grows up and it's just you and her? One day you'll be sorry and you'll come knocking on my door...but I won't be here for you anymore!"
You sighed in exasperation and turned to look at me.
"I'm not going to discuss this any more...try to understand...I have to do the right thing, love...you know that; it's not what I want to do, it's what I have to do!"
"Get out Danny...and don't ever come back! I never want to see you again...you'll be sorry when it's too late...you'll be sorry!"
I was struggling to keep from crying again, you were abandoning me, and I didn't want to cry anymore in front of you, I bit my lip so hard it hurt. You came over to me and kissed me again, I hated that you did that because it just made my heart hurt even more; made me want you even more. It felt like my heart had been broken into a million pieces.
"I have to go now babe...will you be ok?"
"Like you care!"
"I do care you know that...I love you...!"
"Just go...please just go...you're breaking my heart Danny...if you're not staying...just please leave...now!"
Then you picked up your things, went downstairs and left, there was nothing left to say. As the door closed behind you I felt so alone and angry, I picked up the vase from the bedside table and threw it at the wall, it shattered just like my heart, and then I just fell to the floor and cried.