a one shot. always say you love someone before it is too late. some bad language
We were so close. He meant everything to me. I guess it's my own fault I never told him how I realy felt before he left. I was always the odd one out through high school. The outcast. The loner. Drifting between the jocks, the preps, the goths and all them in between. Always the butt of the jokes. And then Gerard Way walked into my life, and I was so taken. Drop dead gorgeous with black raven like hair and subtly toned body. He could make anything look good. He listen to me, helped me in any way. The one person who would ask how my day went, not because it was polite to, but because he genuinely wanted to know. We shared everything. We were inseparable every minute we weren't in class. Then just like as fast as he came, he was gone.
School without him was unbearable. Mikey and Alicia were there, just like before. But without Gerard it wasn't the same. He was the glue. And pretty soon Mikes left too to an internship with Eyeball. It was the break he was looking for. Without Mikey Alicia had no reason to hang out with me. Alicia slowly stopped acknowledging me in the halls. I dropped out and got a job at the guitar store down town.
Ever since I first saw Dad play, huddled back stage behind an amp, I knew I had to be in the music industry. No behind the scenes like Mikes though. I had to be there, feeling the beat coursing through me. But until then, least I was surrounded by something I loved. Ray, a guitar expert who I worked with, started to give me some pointers during down time and let me try out all the latest guitars first. Plus I got to wear my beloved band tees and cut offs all day. I haven't worn a skirt since 6th grade and I'll be dammed if I'm gunna change that for some job none the less. The hours kept me busy during the day which paid pretty well. And I got a sweet store discount in the process. I saved up all my money so I could buy a beat up old Honda and drive to New York to see Gee as much as possible, but with his busy schedule of lectures and projects to do it wasn't often enough.
A first it was amassing to see how well he was doing. He was in his element. Creativity flowed though everything he touched. Gee introduced me to the most amazing characters, made me feel at home. But then everything changed. He was no longer the carefree artist from high school. He stopped taking me to his trendy student haunts. Acted like he was embarrassed when I would turn up in my band tees and old chucks. Then came the alcohol. I'd wake up to texts and i.m's making no sense, or full of hatred I never knew he possessed. They got more and more frequent. I tried to question it but all I got was "Your not my mom, Ri" or "I'm just having a fun, ain't my fault your life sucks ass". The next time I visited he lost his flair and style. He was in gap hoody and baggy torn jeans. His long raven hair was cropped and bleached whiter than a polar bear. His eyes were blood shot. His amazing voice was just a gravely mumble, and his usual axe smell was replaced by the stench of alcohol and stale smoke, not from cigarettes. I persuaded him to take me to a local Starbucks and bough us both large black coffee and confronted him straight on. He admitted he did pot but he insisted it was just last night and it messed up his head so much he wouldn't touch the stuff. "I don't do drugs Rhiannon, do you thing I'm stupid?" What do you say to that? So I left it. The rest of the day it was like he'd never left. We hung out in the mall buying comics and went to see sum English zombie movie. Cracking perverted jokes and trying to gross me out at every opportunity. And that's the last time I saw him.
A week later I got a call at 3am. It was Gee. I had to be up at 6 to let the delivery guy in, so I was not as.....polite, as I could have been.
"What?" I lay in bed with the phone resting on my ear. Holding it required too much effort.
"Hey cutie, how u?"
"Gee. Its 3 fucking am, why he hell are you calling me?" I herd a giggle and a scratching noise on the line.
"booooored. I don't wanna go to sleep" I sighed, not even bothering to hide my annoyance. I rubbed the sleep form my eyes trying not to disturb the phone.
"Then don't" another giggle and a clank this time
"Can't say awake. Everything's all blurry"
"Blurry? Why is everything blurry?" I do not have time for this. Just humor him. I closed my eyes and snuggled into the comforter. It was a mild fall but my room still had a bite in the air.
"ihadsomejd" typical. Freaking typical. He is wasted again. I sit up and sit Indian style and run my hand through my bothersome cropped hair.
"How much jack have you had?"
"Um...." A loud smash broke the white noise coming from the speaker. Panic swept though me. Only once have I seen Gee drunk, but just form that I know how dangerous he is.
"Gee... GEE?!" oh god what if he's smashed something and cut himself.
Manic giggles fill the line.
"Mm cool. I'm totally absolutely posssssitivly oke-ay" his voice sounded small. Almost distant. Ok I being pissed was not going to help anything. Deep breaths. I grabbed my pillow in a vice like grip.
"Ok Gee listen to me, how much have you drunk?"
"Ok. I have to ask this. Have you taken anything?"
"Good. Look I really thing its best if you try to get some sleep"
"Why? What's the point?! Who cares? No-one cares. If I killed myself right know no one would care!" his mood swung from petulant to hysterical in seconds.
"Calm down Gee. This is just the jack taking. Lots of people care about you"
"Don't tell me to calm down dam it. I am a grown man. I can do what the fuck I like. I can kill myself if I want. You can't stop me."
"Gee please. Stop talking like this. Please don't do anything stupid. I care about you. I couldn't live without you" An edge of anxiousness seeps into the pit of my stomach.
"You care?! Then why the fucks are you treating me like a child. And stupid? Your insulting me know?!" Anger made his voice nothing more then a deep growl.
"Of course I care!" I yelled indignantly. "I'm not treating you like a child. And I'm not insulting you. I'm just worried. I..." My voice know reduced to a dead whisper. If I tell him know, maybe it will give him a push in the right direction.
"What? You are fucking what?" I wince at the venom in his usual silken tone.
Tears were know freely running down my pale cheeks, seeping into my pillow, know clutched to my chest.
"I, love you, Gee"
"I love you. Staying here whilst you went to New York was so hard. But I thought if I told you, maybe you wouldn't go and I couldn't see you waste your like away on a looser like me" I tried to even out my rapid breathing.
"You love me....." I choked back a sob as I herd him taking gulps of something, I presumed to be more jack. After a moments silence I herd a sniff before he spoke again. "Do you know how long I waited to hear that? Ever since I first saw you shuffling down the halls in your baggy misfits tee, jeans and vans. You meant the earth, moon and stars to me. All the times I confided in you. The shameless flirting and innuendo. It broke me to never hear you speak those words to me. Why do you think I moved to this shit of a city!?" His voice was raised once again. I couldn't believe it. He loved me! He actually loved me. My eyes were red and my pillow soaked from my stream of tears. The sound of glass shattering bolted though the still air of dawn. I bolted upright from my slouch, eyes widening in fear.
"But you never said it! I gave up on you and moved away. Why do you think I always made excuses for you not to visit?! I couldn't stand it. You broke me. And for that I will NEVER forgive you!" The line went dead.
I sat there in utter shock, sick to the stomach. He loved me. Past tense. Thoughts whirred through my head all night and eventually exhaustion over powered me and I fell asleep still clutching my tear stained pillow like a life preserver.
In the weeks that followed I left endless voice messages and emails. All I got was the odd reply saying leave me alone or I just need time. It's been 1 year know. Mikes brought in a band signed to eyeball for some new guitars last week. He said Gee is doing fine. I asked if he found someone. He mumbled a yeah and avoided my gaze until he left the store.