Why does everyone make sure not to displease Tendo Kasumi? What's the reason Happosai doesn't glomp her let alone touch her underwear drawer? Why did Tofu go crazy around her and why did he disappe...
A Ranma ½ fanfic
By avis de rapina
Disclaimer: All rights to the characters in Ranma Nibunnoichi belong to Takahashi Rumiko and her assignees. (If you've read enough of these fanfics you know who they are.) Who the profits from these characters belong to is another issue, they certainly don't belong to me. All I'm getting is the pleasure of inflicting this spamfic on other fans.
Ditto for the rights to the other character and series that is not mentioned by name in this story. Those belong to Sheryl Leach, Lyrick Studios, HIT Entertainment, PBS and Lyons Partnership.
Summary: Why does everyone make sure not to displease Tendo Kasumi? What's the reason Happosai doesn't glomp her let alone touch her underwear drawer? Why did Tofu go crazy around her and why did he disappear? If Akane and Nabiki can use mallets, why doesn't Kasumi have a chi attack? Since nobody else was answering (let alone asking) such questions, here's my attempt to do so.
Kasumi was frowning. That expression was rarely seen on her lovely face because those who knew her made sure to avoid giving her any reason to. Not because they loved her (which they did), nor because they thought her too nice to irritate (which she was); rather because her frowns were the only warning that Kasumi was becoming... upset.
Her family definitely did NOT want Kasumi upset with them. Not because they loved her (which they... you get the picture.) No, an upset Kasumi would take action. She had enough opportunity to do unimaginable damage to their wardrobes and personal possessions or to threaten them with starvation. After all, she only had to either ask Nabiki to clean Akane's room (1), or ask Akane to prepare Nabiki's bento (2) to get either sister to behave. Saotome Genma found that out within a day of his arrival in Nerima. Kasumi was upset with him for bringing Ranma to Jusenkyo and getting him cursed. So upset that she served him panda food (3) for breakfast. (4)
Even then Genma had gotten off easy. A frowning, upset Kasumi was bad enough. When Kasumi glared at you; that was all the warning you ever got that she was getting vexed. Vexed enough to attack now instead of teaching you a lesson later. It was that attack that her family feared. Nodoka wielding a bared katana had nothing on Kasumi when she was vexed. The neighbors knew it. The market vendors knew it. Ku Lon's chi senses told her about it as soon as she entered the Tendo-ke, and she made haste to warn Xian Pu.
It was her mother's technique. Tendo Soun only tried to copy it. It was a fair attempt, but he could only do the head part. He couldn't get the effect that his dear Kimiko managed so effortlessly. It was a most impressive move; okaasan allegedly came up with it during Kasumi's delivery. Twelve hours of Soun telling her to be strong... that he was so proud of her stoicism... of her fortitude... of her determination to breathe properly was more than enough. She manifested her one and only chi attack right there in the delivery room. Many a promising obstetric and nursing career was ended that day. Nabiki's and Akane's births were no less stressful or dramatic. In the end, Nerima General gave them a very generous bri... er... gift (5) along with a very politely worded request not to have another baby. (6)
Kasumi was intrigued by her mother's attack after watching her use it on father one time. (7) She watched her mother's technique and her father's flawed duplicate. Her own attempts didn't come close to either of her parents' efforts. In the end she surpassed them.
Ono Tofu was the most notorious victim of her attack to date, and that was by accident. He was giving her a professional... medical examination at her father's insistence. She was very embarrassed. Mother had just passed away and otousan was very protective of his little girls. So when she screamed on waking one morning to find herself bleeding /down there/, father freaked and rushed her to the recently-opened clinic. The explanations were embarrassing enough. The descriptions and demonstrations of various feminine care products were more so. The... examination that otousan insisted on was the final straw. Needless to say, Tofu-sensei was never ever the same in her presence. (8)
Back to her frown. It had started when the fiancÃ©es had crashed the family dinner she had worked so hard on to celebrate Ranma's 17th birthday. It grew deeper when they disparaged her cooking. (10) She wondered what could have happened to ruin her plans. Not even Ranma knew when his birthday was. (11) She had to ask Nodoka-obasan, and had gotten her help to make this surprise party and to keep it within the family.
Her eyebrow started to twitch as she noticed Nabiki pocketing three rather thick envelopes. Honestly, didn't she learn anything after the wedding disaster? It twitched faster as the fathers laid into Ranma for refusing his fiancÃ©e's cooking. (12) (13) Ranma quickly pounded his father into the floorboards. Soun caught a glimpse of Kasumi's expression and wisely retired to his room.
Things weren't looking good, and looked less so when the rivals followed. (14) She started to calm down after Ranma punted Mousse and palm-struck Ryoga into the koi pond, incidentally hitting their heads on the surrounding rocks and knocking them out. Akane missed Ryoga's transformation yet again as she was too busy malleting Kuno into LEO for insulting her cooking and for being Kuno.
Unfortunately, Akane then started on Ranma, or tried to. He was avoiding her mallet as well as he could while Kodachi and Ukyo were pulling on each of his arms. Shampoo then glomped onto his front. Akane let go of her mallet and latched onto Ranma's shirt from behind. (15) That shirt had unfortunately been subjected to too many Happodaikarins. And being pulled at from four directions by four martial artists was way beyond the silk's tensile strength. It ripped into four sections leaving a stunned, topless male Ranma; three drooling girls (cute fiancÃ©e, Amazon wife, psycho fiancÃ©e-wannabe) and one not drooling fiancÃ©e (16) holding onto the remnants of said shirt; one drooling possible future sister-in-law madly snapping pictures; one near-catatonic mother; (17) and, one glaring daughter of Tendo Kimiko. (18)
The time had come for the ultimate time-out. If these children didn't want to behave on their own they would have to be taught. They would be taught the things they should have learned in pre-school. Things like: /Be polite. Obey your elders. Don't hit. Don't hurt each other's feelings. Be considerate. Love one another. Share.// /(19)
Akane and Nabiki eeped and tried to make a run for it. It was too late.
"Hunky boys and horsies are meant to be cared for and cherished not hit or poisoned. In the name of my Mom I will punish you! Tendo Kasumi final move - Attack of the Purple Plushy Dinosaur!"
/"I love you... You love me..."/
The horror! The horror!
"Save me, Ranma-sama!"
"SO VERY MANLY!"
Author's Notes: (1) How else would so many of Akane's clothes wind-up in Nabiki's closet? Kasumi wouldn't make that kind of mistake.
(2) Nabiki quickly learned to stash some Pocky at home, and to scam Kuno and others for lunch money.
(3) Bamboo. And the woody sections from the trunk at that, not the soft chewy portions from the tips.
(4) and lunch... and dinner the next day... and the next... and the one after that, whenever he came to the table in panda-form... and she was always carrying a pitcher of ice water those days. Finally having enough, Genma started doing odd jobs in the neighborhood, just to get enough to afford a beef bowl on occasion.
(5) So generous that they built a dojo on the adjacent lot. Kimiko then modified her attack and used it as special effects in Gojira and Ultraman movies. The residuals coming in every quarter were almost enough to cover the family's living expenses.
(6) They really didn't have to. Soun's nerves were so shot after 3 attacks in 4 years that he had no intention of getting Kimiko pregnant again. In fact, he has no intention of ever getting anyone pregnant. The very thought of moving on after Kimiko's death, of remarrying, of having another baby, of going through another delivery... left him a blubbering wreck. Really now. Hinako-sensei should look for someone else.
(7) Something about taking Akane on a long training trip.
(8) Many believed that he had a thing for her. In truth he was manifesting an avoidance behavior. That is he was doing anything he could to make her avoid coming to him for medical care. He must avoid any chance of being subjected to that attack again. (9) After eight years of scrimping, he almost had enough to move his practice to another ward... prefecture... island.... Doctors Without Borders was recruiting at the college. Must look them up tomorrow.
(9) Unfortunately she felt bad about attacking him by accident and kept coming over to borrow books, to return books, to bring food in thanks for lending books. He was beginning to suspect that she was stalking him. Honestly, didn't she even realize that some of those books were Amtrak train schedules and tide tables for Tokyo Bay?
(10) Kodachi brought out a 6-course meal, something French, to take the place of the "leavings you peasants dare to serve my Ranma-sama." Shampoo brought a "too too delicious 8-treasure ramen for Airen. We go on date now, yes?" Ukyo outdid herself with a 4-layer okonomiyaki birthday cake "for you, Ranchan." Akane also brought a cake. Unfortunately Furinkan High's Home-ec kitchen had had a very bad day. The fire took out half the room. Akane thought it lucky that her cake was baked to perfection. I wonder why more people don't use fire extinguisher foam to ice their cakes.
(11) He never celebrated it during the training trip. Genma always said that things like birthdays, New Year, Tanabata, Valentine's Day and White Day were a distraction from the Art. The truth is that he was a piker. As much as Nodoka loved having Ranma back in her life, there was no way Genma was setting foot in her house until he remembered their anniversary.
(12) He refused all their offerings: Kodachi's (/Probably paralysis powder and passion spice./), Shampoo's (/Hypnotic mushroom and ditto the spice./), Ucchan's (/Appetizing, 9.5 for presentation. But there's no way I'm gonna touch that now, I'd be malleted or hit with a bonbori for sure. Maybe later./), and Akane's (/Are you freakin' nuts? It's still smokin' but there ain't no candles on it!/).
(13) "Ranma, how dare you refuse to accept my little girl's fine... um... pottery!"
"It's a cake, dad!"
"Waah! My daughter's so mean to me!"
"Insolent boy, you will eat your fiancÃ©e's cake and join the schools!" Wow, what a spread. Maybe I should let Kasumi know my birthday too.
(14) "Foul cur, to force the beauteous Akane to slave away in the chemistry lab to... umm. At last! My fierce tigress begins to throw off the evil sorceries that you use to compel her and the pig-tailed goddess to your fiendish pleasures. You shall ingest this concoction that she has... fried(/?/) and be exorcised to...."
"Saotome, how dare you try to enslave my Xian Pu with this 8-Treasure Passion Spice Ramen!"
"Ranma! Because of you Akane fed P-chan some of your cake. Prepare to die!"
(15) "Ranma-sama, come away with me from this place. I have a special gift for you to unwrap."
"No way! Ranchan is coming with me."
"You let go of Shampoo Airen!"
"None of you hussies are having him! He's MY fiancÃ©!"
(16) Really, no modesty at all. How dare he strut around half-naked in front of these hussies showing off those corded arms; those broad shoulders; those firm, smooth, shiny pectorals; that flat washboard ab.... Why is my chin moist?
(17) Nodoka was thrilled at the spectacle of her manly son being very manly with so many beautiful girls. Four of them were so overcome with his manliness they were getting ready to ravish him. And Nabiki-chan looks like she wouldn't mind being another of my MANLY son's mistresses. Oh! So many grandbabies! So many.... Why is Kasumi-chan glowing like that?
(18) She had tried to keep the wa of the house. She had remonstrated with both of her sisters several times. She had been courteous to all these... guests. But they had ruined this one special celebration; her gift to the only person in this house who appreciated her, who thanked her, who even bothered to help her, who listened to her and honestly tried to follow her advice, who had improved and grown in so many ways under her care... Who had a really nice looking butt.
Oh my! Where did that come from? What does Nabiki mean by 'Shake it, baby'?
(19) Mmmm. Shaarreee. If the others are willing, maybe I too can get a ride on mister horsie.
Well that's it! I put in all the dialogue and plot clichÃ©s that I could come up with or plagiarize for this spamfic. I hope someone enjoyed this attempt to payback all the authors whose works I've read and enjoyed over the past two years that I've been visiting fanfiction sites. My hat goes off to all the real authors out there. Obviously most everyone was OOC, but since it's a fanfic I think Mills Lane will allow it. Sorry to inflict all these footnotes at you. It's my own tribute to Terry Pratchett.
Kasumi's Final Move