Ennis Del Mar says his prayers through the years.
Fandom: Brokeback Mountain
Pairing: Jack and Ennis
Permission to archive: Yes
Summary: Ennis says his prayers over the years
Disclaimers: These characters belong to Annie Proulx; not me; I wish they did!!
THE PRAYERS OF ENNIS DEL MAR
I ain't never prayed to you before 'cause I didn't believe you was real. Momma does though, and it's her I'm prayin for. She and Daddy's hurt real bad. Doctor's sayin it don't look good. Please, you gotta help them; gotta make them get better.
Don't know if you're really up there in the sky or not; but I'm askin you to spare them, 'cause my brother, sister and me got no place to go; nobody to look after us.
Please, God, I promise I'll be better. I'll do better in school and I won't be lazy like Pa always says I am. I'll work harder, I promise. Please make them better.
I hate you God! Do you hear me up there sittin in heaven? I hate you. You killed them! You just let them die! You ain't real! I'll hate you till I die! I could see why you might want to take Pa; but Momma ain't never done nobody no wrong! She's a good woman and you got no reason to take her from us! I hate you!!
If you really are up there somewhere, I need you're help. Alma says I need to be prayin to you; that I need to clean my soul of all sin before we get married. Don't really think I done much sinning. I know I use some bad words sometimes, and I know I shouldn't; especially 'round Alma and I'm sorry for that. Alma says I should pray to you about that, so I am. I wanna be a good husband for her when we get married in November. I wanna do everythin right, make her happy so we can be a family.
Please, make all those other thoughts go away. I really need help there. I can't stop thinking and wonderin what it would be like.....stuff I know I shouldn't be thinking 'bout since I'm getting married and all. I know these thoughts are bad but they just come up in my mind and I can't make them go away.
Please, make this marriage to Alma, fill up all the loneliness in side me. I been alone so long and I ache for someone to talk to; someone who will understand me; just a friend; someone to go fishin with; a buddy.
I've been tryin to pray every night like Alma says I need to but things are really strange right now. I met someone special. He's my friend; first one I had in years. We talk and laugh and drink whiskey and it's wonderful! But those old feelings are back and they are awful bad this time. I can't stop thinkin about doin it with him. I know it's wrong but those thoughts just won't let me be; it's all I think about. When he's here in camp, it's the best! I like the way he looks at me, like I'm something special. It warms me up inside and gives me all kinds of feelins I know I ain't supposed to have. I need your help here 'cause I'm this close to really sinning bad. You gotta help me here, God. I'm tryin to be good, I swear I am, but this is a battle I'm losin.
Well, I asked you and asked you for help and you never do, do you! Guess you got more important things to do than look after me. You never did before, so why should now be any different?
So last night it happened; big time! I'm a real sinner now. I done it; and I done it with a man. It was good too and I'm glad I done it. I been wantin to for a coupla years now; so now I know what it's like and I'm telling you, I'm gonna do it again, so if you're a mind to strike this sinner down, go ahead. Give it your best shot, 'cause I ain't gonna quit. He's waitin in that tent for me and I'm goin in and we're gonna do it again.
How could you make somethin so good then turn around and make it a sin to do it? I don't understand things. I get mixed up. I know bein with him is sinnin, and my Pa would beat the hell outta me if he knew what I done but I can't see how it's hurtin no one.
Me and Alma is getting married in a few minutes. I'm askin you to forgive my sinning ways and help me to be a good husband. I know, once I'm with Alma, all those other thoughts about Jack Twist will go away. It's supposed to be the best thing that can happen to a man; bein with a woman. Can't hardly wait! I'm gonna be a good husband to her and we're gonna have babies and be good people, I promise you that. I'm askin you on this, my weddin day, to please forgive my sinnin with Jack and make me a man worthy of my sweet Alma.
Thank you for my baby girl, Alma Junior. She's the most beautiful thing I ever seen. I'm gonna be the best Pa to her I can be. Not like my Pa was. I'm gonna love her with all my might. Thank you for sending her to me.
Thank you for our new baby girl, Jenny. She's as perfect and beautiful as her big sister. Never knew how much babies could make a fella happy. They are both precious and special and I thank you for givin me a family.
Jenny is bad sick. They say it's the asthma. She coughs so bad sometimes it makes me hurt for her. She's so little to be sick. Doctor says this new medicine will make her some better but it ain't never gonna go away. It's something she's always gonna have. Ain't there something you could do 'bout that? She's so little and I know she ain't never done no sinning to deserve this.
Please look after her and make her better.
Another weekend and all we do is argue. Can't seem to do nothing to please her. She wants to move into town but that's too expensive. Please tell me what to do. I don't want her to be unhappy any more, ain't seen her smile in weeks. Every day I come in from work and the babies are cryin. They don't stop until I see to them. She don't seem to have any real feelins for them. They are like one more chore for her to look after.
Maybe if we move into town like she wants, she will be happy. It would be nice to see her smile again.
Could you please help me to understand Alma? I moved her into town like she wanted but she is still sour; can't please her no how. This ain't what I thought bein married would be like. I have a wife and two babies and I'm still empty inside; like there's this big hole inside me. Can't stop thinkin 'bout Jack Twist. Wonderin where he is, what he's doin. Sure hope he's all right and didn't go get himself busted up by no bull. If you've a mind to, I ask that you look after him; keep him safe. He's kinda foolish about stuff.
Don't know how or why you let this happen but I'm grateful to you for it. Jack Twist is back in my life and I know what it's like to be happy! I wanna thank you for that, even if it is sinnin. If bein with Jack means I'm goin to hell when I die, then I'll pay that price cause every minute with him makes me feel alive. Just the touch and feel and smell of him brings me pleasure. Just lookin at him, seein him look at me brings me feelings I never had before. Feelings I thought were supposed to be what a man has for his wife. I ain't never felt these things with Alma. I'm sorry if my sinning ways offend you, but I'm gonna see him again.
If bein with him is such a bad thing, why did you let him find me? Come up here to be with me? I don't understand these feelings and I don't know what to do 'bout them. If I'm supposed to do something to stop them, then you better let me know what that is 'cause they are stronger than they ever been.
1968, 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1974
Thank you for sending me Jack Twist. Thank you for letting me feel these things, even tho I don't understand them. I know I'm sinnin and you'll send me to hell one day but it's a price I'm willin to pay to be with him.
I'm sorry. I failed Alma and my marriage is over and gone now. She hates me and I hurt her bad and I didn't mean to but it happened. Ain't no way I can make right the wrong I did her and I'm sorry for that but I promise you this, I will take care of my girls. I'll pay that money somehow and see to them as best I can. They will always know they got a Pa that loves them.
I caused Jack some hurt too that day he come up here to see me after the divorce. I was so scared somebody would see us; he drove all that way to see me and I sent him away. The look on his face tore me up inside. He say's he'll be back next month; I hope he does. Wouldn't blame him if he didn't though; seems like I'm causin him hurt every time he comes to see me. He keeps talking 'bout him and me livin together and I keep telling him no. Can't seem to make him understand how dangerous that would be. Please help me make him understand that two fellas just can't move in together. It ain't done. He's got his heart set on it though and he's a stubborn one. Won't let it go.
I wanted to thank you for sendin Junior to me. She's such a beautiful girl and so smart. She graduated High School tonight. I was so proud when they called her name. She smiled so big as she walked on that stage and got her diploma! You shoulda seen her!
I guess maybe you did.
She growd up real good, God. We; Alma and me, did a good job with her. Guess you helped a little there too. She's the sweetest angel to ever walk this earth and you gave her to me. I'm thankful to you for that.
What happened? Why did you do that? Why did you have to take him? Hurt him like that? He ain't never done nobody no harm; never did no real sinnin 'cept with me and that sure couldn't a been bad enough for you to take him like that!! He was a good man. Better than most. Better than me. Why didn't you just take me if it was time to pay? Why did you have to hurt him like that? Why? You shoulda took me, cause I'm dead inside without him.
You took him! You took him away from me. You let me love him, then you let them kill him. Why? WHY!!
Don't know why I'm even talking to you. I don't believe in you no more. Never did really, I guess. You sure never did nothing for me; 'cept sendin me Jack. Guess I should thank you for that, but the takin him away is a pain I'll carry till the day I die.
Junior is getting married today. Kurt seems like a nice young fella and he seems to love her. Please let that be so. Please give them a happy marriage and a good long life together.
Please, please, no more. I can't stand it no more. It needs to be over with. No more tests, no more needles. Make them just let me sleep. Let me be.
Where am I? This place is beautiful? Reminds me of Brokeback Mountain. So beautiful. And this horse? Where'd it come from? Sure rides smooth. Reminds me of old Cigar Butt. The trees smell so good; like it just rained on 'em. That lake looks full of fish! What a beautiful cabin! Never seen nothing like that up on Brokeback. Some lucky fella got a piece of this place and built in just the right spot. View is incredible.
They got horses too. Lucky bastard! Oops, 'scuse me, Lord. Ain't got no call to be usin bad words in a place like this.
He's choppin wood for the fireplace. Got a nice pile goin there. He's tall and got a nice head of dark hair; reminds me of my Jack. Such beautiful hair; stuck out every which way most of the time but it was soft like silk. Sure does look like my Jack, 'cept my Jack had that awful Texas moustache!
Sure is nice and peaceful here. Glad those old tubes is out of my arm and that thing out of my nose. That guy sure does look like my Jack; the closer we get!
He heaved the ax into the stump he'd been chopping on and came over to the fence.
"It's about time you got here! Been waitin for days! Got the cabin all set up. Wanna see?"
"Jack? Is that you? But I thought.....You can't be here."
"I'm here all right. Been waitin for you. Knew you'd be here before long so I started a stew and I got a fire goin in the fireplace. C'mon. Let me show you."
"But I was.....I was sick and....I was talking to God and I...." He climbed down off his horse, patting its neck.
"He sure looks like ole Cigar Butt, doesn't he?" Ennis asked.
"He should. Cigar Butt is his granddaddy. Got two more outta him and four others.. Nice start for a little herd"
"Where's your moustache?"
"Got tired of it."
"Good. I was tired of it first time I saw it."
"How come you never said nothing?"
"It's your lip. You wanna cover it with hair, it's up to you."
"C'mon inside. You hungry?"
"Yeah. Been ridin a while. 'fore that, I was in bed; sleepin."
"I heard. You'll like it here. It's just like Brokeback. That's why I came here."
"Not for miles and miles."
"Good. You look good, Jack Twist.; like you did back in '67 when you first came to find me."
"So do you. Look in the mirror over there."
"Damn! What is this; a trick mirror or something?"
"Nope. That's you. That's what you look like."
"No way. I got 30 years on that guy!"
"Not any more. We're still the same age we was back then; and still as frisky."
"Not me. I ain't got it up in years. That's all gone now."
"What're you talkin 'bout?"
"C'mere. Let me show you the bedroom. Got us a king-sized bed, and in the bathroom one of those whirlpool tubs. That'll get you in the mood alright!"
"Jack, I....shit! I ain't never seen a bed that big!"
"It's been waitin for you. Wanna try it out?"
"Well sure.....I ....but Jack, I can't....Haven't even been able to wring it out in years."
"That was then. This is now. Let me help you with those jeans."
"Jack, how you come to be here? And where is here?"
"Don't know, don't care. It's beautiful here. Got a vegetable garden out back, fruit trees, fish in the lake and huntin in the woods. Only thing lackin was you and you're here now."
"That really me, back there in the mirror?"
"Ain't looked like that in years. Not since you left."
"You do now and always will. That's how it works here. You sure are slow gettin those jeans off. Let me help you with those boots."
"You may be right. I seem to be feelin a little somethin there."
"If I remember correctly, it ain't no little somethin!"
"I missed your grinning, Jack. Your touchin me like this."
"Missed you too, Cowboy. C'mon."
Thank you for sendin me Jack Twist.