Die/Shinya; Songfic. Unrequited love must be the worst feeling in the world.
You Don't See Me
~This is the place where I sit~
My legs were crossed as I occupied a comfortable seat in the meeting room. Kaoru was talking to the men in suits about something to do with the band, but I wasn't really listening so I didn't know just what. Toshiya had his chin cupped in his hands, his elbows resting on the table, and looked quite like he was daydreaming. Kyo was slouching in his chair, his sunglasses set precariously over his eyes--a sure sign that he was sleeping. And Die...Die was really all I saw. The redhead was absent-mindedly drumming a pencil against his knee while staring stupidly at Kaoru, obviously wanting to look as though he was paying attention, though it was clear his mind was elsewhere. I admired every inch of the guitarist's perfect face and wondered just how I came to that place--
The place where Die was all that mattered to me.
~This is the part where I love you too much~
It probably came as a result of all that horrid teasing Die had put me through. Somehow that had turned us into high school students; Die would taunt and tease and I would blush and smack him in the chest or the shoulder... The others would stand by and watch, Toshiya occasionally whispering excitedly to Kaoru. Everyone thought for sure he and I would fall in love.
I sighed and turned my gaze from Die to my own hands, clasped neatly in my lap. I had most certainly fallen in love with Die, but had Die fallen in love with me?
~Is this as hard as it gets~
The sudden standing of Kaoru and the men in suits told the rest of us that the meeting was over. Toshiya, Die, and myself stood as well, leaving only Kyo still sitting in his chair, fast asleep. Kaoru bowed to each of the "suits" and grinned to the rest of us as he motioned for us to follow him out. Die none-too subtly kicked Kyo in the leg, jolting him from his peaceful slumber. "Say Kaoru," he said loudly enough to drown out Kyo's vehement swearing, "if we were five of the seven dwarves, which ones would we be? I know Kyo would be Sleepy, but what about the rest of us?"
Kyo shot him a murderous glare. "You'd be Dumbass because you're adled in the head," he growled.
Toshiya giggled. "Kyo, there's no dwarf called Dumbass! But there is Dopey, and I think Die would be Dopey."
"Totchi would be Happy," Kaoru said fondly, swinging his arm around Toshiya's waist.
"Kaoru would be Grumpy," Kyo said with a snigger.
Kaoru snorted. "No, I'd be Doc because I'm the smart one and the leader."
"And Shin-chan would be Bashful!" Die exclaimed, ruffling my hair.
True to my dwarf name, I turned a shade of red and swatted Die's arm away. Die opened his mouth to make another joking remark, but as always, Kaoru intervened. "Now, Die, stop torturing Shinya."
"Aw, but I can't help it, Kaoru!" Die whined. "You know Shinya's like a little brother to me!"
He turned his flashy smile on me and put an arm around my small shoulders.
~Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough~
My eyes welled with tears. I didn't want to be anywhere outside of Die's one-armed embrace, but at the same time, I wished I could be anywhere else. I looked over at the bouncy redhead, whose smile was still in place. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach. The red hair, the smooth cheeks, the beautiful smile... It got so hard to pretend I didn't adore them. It got so hard to pretend I didn't care that Die didn't care.
~I'm here if you want me, I'm yours, you can hold me~
All too soon Die removed his arm. I felt cold and empty.
"What're you guys doing tonight?" Kyo asked conversationally.
Kaoru looked over at his koi, who giggled. Kyo rolled his eyes. "Don't you two even think of answering. I was talking to Die and Shinya."
In my dreams I heard Die say something like, "Oh, Shinya and I are going out to dinner and a movie. Then we'll probably head back to my place for some drinks and to see where we get from there..."
But of course, the real Die said quite smugly, "I've got a date with one of those girls we met at that bar last night."
Kyo perked up. "Oh really? Which one?"
"You know the one who looks like she's always taking a deep breath?"
Kyo sniggered like the horny little man he was, and Die quickly joined in. I felt disguisted...but not as much as I felt despaired.
~I'm empty and achin' and tumblin' and breakin'~
"What about you, Shinya?" Kaoru asked, if only to get Kyo and Die to stop laughing.
I shrugged. "Oh...nothing really. I think I'll just watch a movie and take a bath... I'd like to relax tonight."
Kyo elbowed him. "Na, I don't have a date either. You could come to a club with me or something."
I shook my head. "I don't care if I don't have a date. I don't need a 'significant other' to be alright. I'm fine."
Somehow I thought they could tell I was breaking apart on the inside.
~I dream a world where you understand~
Back at my cozy little apartment, I settled himself down on my couch, intent upon reading a good book. It was something I hadn't done in awhile, but very much wanted to do, if anything to get my mind off of a certain red-haired guitarist. However, I was so tired that within minutes I had dozed off, my head lolling onto the back of the couch.
Dreams were something that I often didn't mind because they usually had to do with Die and they were usually of the pleasant sort. Die saving me from a fiery dragon, like in the storybooks; Die dancing with me at a club; Die happily introducing me to all of his friends as the love of his life. Tonight's dream was a type of dream I hadn't had in awhile.
I was cooking in my kitchen, using a wok that I knew I didn't have, but in the dream it made sense that I had it. I was humming the tune to "Forever Love" and feeling quite content, the opposite of how I usually felt these days. Suddenly the doorbell rang. I wasn't really expecting it, but I went to answer the door anyway. My breath caught in my throat when I opened it and Die stood before me, wearing nothing, save for a pair of pants that hung loosely to his body. Before I could even think of what to say to greet him, he came at me, fusing our lips together and pulling me as close to his body as possible.
After that it was only Die's fingertips gently touching my skin, his tongue probing deliciously inside my mouth, our hearts beating in time and our breath mingling as our bodies danced together on the silk sheets of my bed. Everywhere he touched me made me moan as though I had never been touched before. Every word he whispered was dripping with passion and love. And the sensation of him moving inside of me caused me to release cry after pleasure-laced cry, unable and unwilling to hold back.
When I awoke, though, it was to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch, my book having fallen into a heap on the floor. I was sweaty and breathless, and my pants a little damp, but the first thing I noticed was none of these things.
It was that I was all alone.
And it hurt.
~I dream a million sleepless nights~
I didn't just love Die for his beautiful physical attributes, but it was a strong part of the attraction for sure. I couldn't close my eyes at night without imagining all the ways Die could pleasure me. I could picture us making love everywhere--on my bed, on Die's bed, on a bed of roses, outside in the grass, backstage after a concert, in one of the tiny broom closets at the studio... And every place was perfect because I was with Die. We were together.
Tonight was no different from the countless other nights that I found no sleep, my fantasies and daydreams taking me on flights until the morning sun leaked through my blinds.
~I dream a fire when you're touching my hand~
I struggled in practice the next day. I was struggling often, the burden of keeping my love a secret weighing down on me harder and harder with each passing day. Normally it was Kaoru or Toshiya who nudged me and said, "Are you okay, Shinya?" But on this particular day, it was someone else.
Kaoru and Kyo were arguing over the direction the song was taking. Toshiya flitted off to have a smoke outside. I was sitting behind my drumset, staring vacantly into space, my forearms resting on my knees and my drumsticks hanging limply in my hands. Suddenly, I felt a warm hand atop mine. My eyes followed the hand to the body attached to it and I tensed up, dropping my drumsticks. Die was looking at me concernedly. "Shinya? Is everything okay? You look kind of out of it today."
My eyes instantly glossed over. The care and worry in Die's voice, the tender way he was touching me, the love and trust in his chocolatey eyes... "Die?" I whispered; nothing else seemed worthy of the moment.
He smiled softly. "You know what, let's skip practice for today. You wanna go grab some coffee?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but I still managed a nod.
~But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights~
Die still held my hand as he helped me up from the tiny stool behind the drums. We walked over to Kaoru and Kyo and Die loudly cleared his throat to draw their attentions. "What?" Kaoru snapped, his hands flying to his hips and making him look rather like a put-out teenage girl.
"Well, you two have until tomorrow's practice to argue because Shin and I are going out for coffee and we won't be back today. That's all. So...as you were."
With that he turned and led me from the room, completely ignoring Kaoru's indignant cry for him to stop. Thus, I followed Die in a dreamlike state to his little car, all the while wondering when I would awake, for this had to be a dream.
It was just too good to be real.
~Speechless and faded, it's too complicated~
Coffee with Die was delightfully wonderful. I thought happily about doing it on a regular basis--meeting up with Die for coffee every week. We would talk for hours about the things that really mattered and the things that really didn't. When we were done we would leave the coffee shop hand-in-hand and head back to Die's apartment, catching falling snowflakes on our tongues. We'd go inside where it would be nice and cozy. Perhaps we would sit in front of a warm fire. Die would take my hand and kiss it sweetly, then he would kiss me on the lips. Our tongues would dance together, our cheeks would burn, our intertwined bodies would glow in the light of the by then, blatantly ignored fire in the fireplace...
"So anyway," I was snapped out of my wistful thinking by Die poking my arm, "you should come to a club with me tonight."
My heartbeat quickened. Was Die...could he really be asking me out?
"I think it would do you loads of good to bang a chick, you know?" Die continued. "Clubs and bars are the best place to pick up chicks that just want to fuck and then never see you again. Seems to me like that's what you need."
I stared, absolutely speechless.
~Is this how the book ends, nothing but good friends~
"But Die," I said, my voice barely above a whisper, "I don't want that. I want a relationship that will last forever. I want someone I can share all my dreams and fears with...someone who will make me laugh and hold me when I cry... Doesn't every person want that? Don't you want that?"
Die looked a little startled, but only for a moment. His smile returned and he chuckled lightly. "Aw, Shinya, that's what friends are for! You don't need a date to be all that for you! Dates you screw, friends you don't, you know?"
Anger boiled the blood beneath my cold skin. I wanted to hate Die and to glare at him for thinking so pig-headed and stupidly, but I just couldn't. Instead my look was one of sadness as I said, "Then why do they call it 'making love'? Love requires getting to know a person...depending on them for everything and knowing that they will always supply it. Love is caring for someone, believing in all that they do and say, and knowing your whole world revolves around them, even if they are the most messed up person you've ever met! Love brings us in from the cold and keeps us warm, and love is a gift to be cherished and adored! How can you possibly believe what you just said to me?"
Die was quiet for a lot longer this time, just looking at me. Finally he stood up and tossed his empty cup into a nearby waste bin. "Come on, Shin, I'll take you home."
And so he did. At my front door he proceeded in kissing my forehead and promising me that he would always be a friend to me when I needed one. He gave one last cheery grin, then turned on his heel and left. I stared out at the grey world in front of me, tears falling from my eyes like the softly falling snow. "But Die," I whispered to myself, "I don't want to just be your friend."
~This is the place in my heart~
Night fell quickly that day, the rapid falling of the snow serving to speed up the darkening process. Soon a soft blanket of white covered Tokyo and it was absolutely breathtaking to look outside, which is exactly what I was doing, though I didn't notice the beauty before me. I was huddled in a blanket in front of my window, all the lights off in my apartment so that there wouldn't be a glare on the glass pane. I wasn't even trying to hold back the tears anymore, only using the blanket to catch them before they could give that unpleasant feeling of trailing down my neck. I sniffed and rested my cheek against my knees, which were pinned to my chest. "Why?" I murmured.
~This is the place where I'm falling apart~
"Why doesn't he see me? Why can't I be as important to him as he is to me?" The tears fell faster. Soon my body was shaking with the sobs that I could not hold back. "It isn't fair!" I cried. "All of my energy goes toward him! He is all that's ever on my mind. One word from him can affect my mood for a whole week! He holds my heart...he holds my love... Why can't I have the same luxury from him? /Why?/"
~Isn't this just where we met~
The snow had ceased to fall the next morning, though the sky remained as grey as it had the past three days. I walked into practice to find Kaoru and Toshiya making out on the couch in the corner, Kyo curled up on the floor asleep, and Die humming while he tuned his guitar. He looked up when I entered and grinned, trilling a merry, "Ohayo, Shinya!"
It was as though we weren't any closer on this day than on the first day we met. Bearing this in mind, I purposely ignored Die, sitting down in front of my drumset and banging loudly on the cymbals to bring Kaoru and Toshiya to attention, as well as cause the sleeping Kyo to leap three feet off of the ground with a frightened shriek, resembling something like a startled cat.
Kaoru did exactly as I had known he would and called practice together, wiping his mouth and fixing his hair before adjusting his guitar strap over his shoulder.
Die eyed me curiously.
~Is this the last chance that I'll ever get~
Practice was not going well. Die couldn't concentrate and neither could I, so between the two of us we were making enough mistakes to make hide turn over in his grave. Finally Kaoru set down his guitar (or half-threw it down) and demanded to know what was going on. "We are not leaving this room until this is cleared up! Die and Shinya, you've both been fucking up enough for all of us, so what the hell's going on between you two!?"
Toshiya set down his bass, casting curious glances between us two. Kyo sat down against the wall and crossed his outstretched legs at the ankles, looking rather uninterested as he picked up a notebook and pencil, and started doodling. Die looked at me, but I looked down at my hands, thinking hard. If I say something I can find out for sure how Die feels about me...but I don't want to because I already know. He sees me as a friend, a little brother...never as a lover because apparently a lover is someone you screw, not love. My eyes welled with tears, making me all the more determined to look down.
"Shinya, are you angry at me?" Die asked.
I swallowed. This might be my last chance...to know for sure.
~I wish I was lonely instead of just only crystal and see-through and not enough to you~
"Are you hurting, Shinya?" Toshiya asked, a strong note of concern in his voice.
I was a little upset at myself for being unable to stem the tears that began to flow down my cheeks. I chanced looking up at everyone and saw their expressions change. Toshiya gasped and covered his mouth, his own eyes immediately filling with tears. Die's brow furrowed and he ran a hand through his hair thoughtfully. Kaoru removed his glasses and took a step forward, but Kyo's voice startled us all when he said, "Stop, Kaoru. Let him talk first."
I messily brushed the tears away with the edge of my sleeve and looked back and forth between my bandmates. "I wish I could choose who to fall in love with. Because then I would have chosen one of the hundreds of cute fangirls who adore me. I wouldn't have chosen a pig-headed guitarist who thinks lovers are just for screwing."
Toshiya, Kaoru, and Kyo all turned their heads synchronically to look at a dumbfounded Die.
~Cause you don't see me~
"But you can't choose who you fall in love with, so I did fall in love with you," I said, now directing my words at Die. "I fell in love with your charm and your wit, your laugh and your smile, your kindness and your beautiful eyes. And if there's anything in my life I could change it would be that I love you!" My voice rose as more tears spilled down my face. "Because the worst feeling in the world is loving someone who looks at you without seeing you!"
~You don't need me~
I stood. "It's like waking up in the morning and knowing you're not going to see that person that day and wondering how you'll ever survive the day because of it, and then realizing that they probably won't think of you once throughout the whole day! Knowing that--that you need them, but they don't need you!"
~You don't love me the way I wish you would~
I approached Die, my hands balled into fists at my side. "I hate you, Daisuke. I hate your smile and your red hair. I hate how you make me laugh and how you make me cry. I hate how you put your arm around me, how you ruffle my hair... I hate the kind things you say and the stupid things you do. I hate how you're always the perfect gentleman and how you always know how to make me feel better. I hate everything about you! But..." Suddenly my voice grew quiet again. "But worst of all what I hate is that I love you and there's nothing I can do about it."
"Oh Shinya!" Toshiya burst.
Kaoru grabbed his arm to keep him from running to me. I didn't really notice. I stared down at my feet, my heart beating wildly. How could I have said all of that to Die? I knew the worst was about to come.
And it did.
After a moment of silence, Die turned around and walked right out of the room without a second glance back. A few minutes passed, and I sank to my knees, burying my face in my hands. Kaoru released Toshiya, who immediately pounced on me and engulfed me in his arms. Kaoru turned around and sighed, turning his gaze to Kyo, who was standing up. The shorter of the two shrugged. "So Die's an idiot. Shinya will get over him."
Kaoru scowled at him. "Kyo, his heart is broken--shattered into a million tiny pieces! How can you say something like that? Can you even begin to imagine how Shinya feels?"
"Oh, don't flatter yourself by thinking you know every thought any of us have had or every feeling we've ever felt!" Kyo snapped. "If I had time to tell you about every time I was rejected by someone I thought the world of we'd be here all week!"
"Look," Kaoru said with another sigh, "Shinya doesn't need honesty right now."
Kyo sent him a murderous glare as he pushed past him and approached Toshiya and me. "Can I have a word, Totchi?"
Toshiya nodded and stepped away, dabbing at his eyes. Kyo sat down in front of me and tilted my chin upward. "Shinya, stop crying, okay? Everything will be fine."
I sniffled. "How can you say that? He just walked out!"
Kyo shrugged. "Probably to have a smoke and some time to think. You know that notebook I was drawing in?"
"Well, it wasn't actually mine. I have a bad habit of drawing on anything I can get my hands on at the moment and...well, see for yourself."
~You don't love me the way I know you could~
He handed the little notebook to me. I took it and immediately saw the name at the top. /Andou Daisuke/. I opened it with a trembling hand and flipped to the most recent entry. It read:
You know how in my last entry I kept talking about Shinya? Well, I figured out why. I fucking like him. Like, I think he's gorgeous and I want to make love to him--not have sex, make love! Is that weird? Usually when I think about screwing someone I just think about pleasuring myself. Getting in and getting out. But with Shinya...I don't know. I want to satisfy him and I want to love him! This is kind of dumb, but I want to go out for coffee with him every week just so that I can hear him talk and then walk him back to his apartment, holding his hand the whole way... Maybe I'm losing my mind, or maybe he was right about love.
And then, to my great surprise, I saw my own words in quotation marks at the end of the entry! Die had remembered everything I'd said that day in the coffee shop--word for word!
"Love requires getting to know a person...depending on them for everything and knowing that they will always supply it. Love is caring for someone, believing in all that they do and say, and knowing your whole world revolves around them, even if they are the most messed up person you've ever met! Love brings us in from the cold and keeps us warm, and love is a gift to be cherished and adored!"
At the very bottom of the page was an interesting, hastily-drawn image of two male figures having sexual relations. I turned bright red and that was when Kyo snatched the notebook away from me. "Uh...I drew that after reading it," he said with a sideways glance.
But I didn't really hear him. My tears were gone and my smile had returned. "Maybe he doesn't see me quite right, but at least he's looking for me. He doesn't need me yet, but he's getting close to it. And he doesn't truly love me, but he's on his way to loving me."
Before anyone else could give me a reply, the door opened and Die slowly walked in, smelling strongly of cigarette smoke. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked bashfully at me. "Shin-chan...do you want to go out for coffee?"
I smiled brightly. "Of course."
He extended his hand and I took it, a shiver going up my spine as I did. He smiled at me and enclosed his fingers tightly around mine.
And I couldn't help noticing that our hands fit perfectly together.
Author's Notes: I needed to write this when I was experiencing this in a past relationship. I found it good closure as well as a brilliant way to get out an angsty fanfic. But it had a happy ending. If only I were that lucky!