A challenge submission containing Luke, Vader, and bad puns.
Summary: This challenge piece was made for the Luke/Vader group (http://www.groups.yahoo.com/group/Luke_Vader) and contains: Luke, Vader, celebration of a Father's Day sort of holiday, something squishy, and the phrase "I swear I will not kill anyone."
-This is a very weird humor piece that is mostly bad puns drawn together into a story.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, but this story is mine.
Obi-Wan had died many many years ago of Lire's Disease, an illness which tends to affect those suffering from Sertinpoyntavu's Syndrome. Yoda, who was without vehicular transport, could not go help young Luke Skywalker.
Without their Jedi protector, Owen and Beru found themselves the victims of an attack of Tuskenraideritis, and, finding himself without supervision, a toddling Luke went out of the house, walking miles through the desert until he was picked up by a member of a very bright and very rare species called Lidebulbs.
Suddenly forgetting all about his former guardians, little Luke fell in love with the glowingly happy Lidebulb, who began to raise the little human as his own.
The Lidebulb, named Gloe Ingbright, raised his newfound son well, and after they moved to the Lidebulb's sunny planet of Intylagent'cree'chures, Gloe provided him with a squishy, jellyfishlike pet called an Ideeya, which the little human boy named, naturally, Squooshy. Squooshy was a very loyal animal that never left his young master's side.
One day, when minute Luke was ten years old, he decided he would do something very special for his foster father for Father's Day, even though the occasion was a few days away. "What do you think I should do, Squooshy?" Luke asked his little pet.
The pink blob gargled something.
"No...." Luke frowned. Suddenly he lit up as he got a bright idea. "I've got it!"
So little Luke and his gurgling pink blob went over to the biggest lake on the planet of Intylagent'cree'chures: Lake Biggnskayrymonstrrs. He and his pet peered over into the dark, ominous waters.
"Umm, I'm not so sure this is such a good idea after all...."
The blob blatted.
"I'm not scared! Watch me!" and with this, Luke pulled some big wormlike bait out of his tackle box and hooked it onto his fishing pole. He dangled the bait over the lake of Biggnskayrymonstrrs, and suddenly a monstrous beast jumped out.
"Aaaaaaahhhh," Luke cried out, or, at least, something to that effect. If one prefers the yell, "SHHHHHHHHHHHAAAVVVVIIIIITTTTT," then pretend that is what he shouted.
The monster roared its terrible reverberating roar, revealing tons of sharp teeth in a blubbery mouth. Its fins flapped madly in the air, propelling it forward and toward Luke.
Squeaking, Luke threw his hands up, unable to watch the oncoming jaws that he was sure would end it all.
But when the teeth of death did not come, Luke opened an eye and saw the creature moaning and groaning in the water, as if it had just been smashed with some great force.
Squooshy stared at Luke. "What?" the boy asked. The Ideeya squelched up next to him, not saying anything.
"There has been a great disturbance in the Force," Palpatine's holo gazed down upon his right-hand man.
"I felt it, my master," Darth Vader replied.
"You are to go investigate."
"Yes, my master."
"Okay. So the whole catch-a-big-fish thing didn't work out so well," Luke admitted to his fellow conspirator. "Even good ideas can go bad."
"I have an even better plan this time, involving a spoon, jeluq fruit, ticky tack, and a blender." With a goofy grin, Luke began to outline his new bright idea to his squishy pet.
After Vader's shuttle landed on the sunny planet of Intylagent'cree'chures, he looked around, uneasy with the appearance of the many glowing Lidebulb inhabitants. When the smart natives began to notice he was there, they all began to intelligently run away.
"I swear I will not kill anyone," Vader boomed, exasperated, but it was in vain. The streets were already deserted.
Wishing that he was allowed to sigh-for, of course, even if it wasn't for his respirator, real Sith Lords just do not sigh-they just don't-Vader stalked forward through the streets, trying to find the source of the mysterious ripples in the Force.
"Okay," the jeluq-juice stained Luke said, "I admit that maybe this wasn't one of my greater ideas."
Squooshy blattered something very mean-sounding.
"I didn't see you coming up with any better ideas!" the boy retorted. He sighed, scratching his head. "What can we do now...?" Suddenly, an idea seemed to strike him like lightning, and the sun seemed to shine brighter. "Got it! What is Dad's favorite food?"
The squishy pet made an unsure trill.
"We tried that, remember? Something different," Luke said. When Squooshy didn't reply, Luke exasperatedly exclaimed, "Sikeadellik Mushrooms, of course!"
Squooshy made a noise that sounded vaguely like, "Ooooohhhh."
"Now," Luke said, turning pensive, "the only problem is where to find good 'shrooms. I heard there's this one place where they grow to be this big!" He held out his hands to the appropriate size. "Now, we just gotta find someone who can tell us where that is...."
And so off the pair went, finally coming across an old Lidebulb that they were sure would know where to find the enormous Sikeadellik Mushrooms.
"Can you tell me where to find the enormous Sikeadellik Mushrooms?"
The elderly Lidebulb stared at Luke. "I do not know what you are talking about!" the man turned away.
Seeing the lie in the geezer's eyes, Luke fumed. I wish I could make him tell me where to go.
Suddenly the answer popped into Luke's head. An evil grin spread across his face.
Darth Vader paused, feeling an amateur draw on the Force. I have you now!
"Wow! These really are big, Squooshy!"
The Ideeya whirred in agreement. The multi-colored mushrooms were /huge/.
Luke began to carefully garner the mushrooms, pausing when something big suddenly blocked his light. "Hey, what's the big i-" the boy cut off at the sight of the towering Sith Lord.
"You are to come with me. I will take you to a new home."
Luke raised an eyebrow. "Umm, I think you have me confused with someone else."
"Are you not the one who has been using the Force?"
The fair-headed boy muttered, "I think someone's lost their marbles."
"You will not speak that way to me," Vader hissed. "I am Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith. My master requires your presence."
Luke snorted. "You expect me to believe that you're that creepy psycho with the weird powers?"
Darth Vader reached out to the Force, removing one of the mushrooms from the boy's grasp, levitating it in the air, then slowly squeezing it.
The human stared. Squooshy squealed.
"What is your name, boy?" Vader asked. When the boy said nothing, he repeated himself, a note of anger in his voice. Still the boy would not speak. Angered, Darth Vader smacked him with a gloved hand, knocking him out of his reverie.
"Luke Skywalker," the answer came promptly, the boy no longer in a daze.
"What did you say?" the Sith Lord demanded, a quiver almost noticeable in his voice. Luke repeated himself. "Come with me," Vader said, "I must take you to see the Emperor."
"Not now!" Luke protested. "Tomorrow is Father's Day and I have to go give my dad a present!"
"No, Luke, look no further. I am your father...."
"Yes, my son."
Suddenly, the dumb, innocent facade was gone. "What took you so long?" the boy demanded. "Here I have been waiting for years surrounded by these annoyingly bright and cheerful Lidebulbs, while you've been out galivanting around the galaxy." Luke scowled. "If I'd had to act cheerful and loving for one more year I would have exploded!"
This time Vader stared. And Squooshy. At least, if the Squooshy in your imagination has eyes. If not, pretend its sensory receptors are pointed the boy's way incredulously.
"What are you looking at?" Luke harumphed, glaring at the two of them.
A few hours later, Luke and Vader took off towards Coruscant, the core of sauntering evil and decomposing Force users, because, hey, everyone has to love a walking corpse.
And the world of the annoyingly bright and cheerful Lidebulbs was dimmed, because the bringer of the Light was gone, and because it sounds ever so more poetic to say so. As for Gloe Ingbright, he and Squooshy moved to a different planet, Wif'out'wite, and created a bunch of paintings out of water colors and crushed mushrooms until the urge to retire hit them, and they did so. And then something big happened in the galaxy, but, the story's over, so you'll never know exactly what it was. Stinks, don't it?