The Princess and the Pea, Star Wars-style.
Summary: This is a Star Wars version of "The Princess and the Pea," which was suggested by hewgleymom. Thanks :D
Rating: No language, no violence.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or "The Princess and the Pea," but this story is mine.
Once upon a time there was a pilot who wanted to marry a princess; but she would have to be a real princess. The only other being that knew of this secret desire of his was Chewbacca the Wookiee, his first mate. The hairy Chewbacca accompanied Han Solo as he traveled all over the galaxy to find a princess, but nowhere could Han find what he wanted. There were princesses enough, for there were many many planets throughout the galaxy, but it was difficult to find out whether the princesses were real ones. There was always something about those princesses that was not as it should be. So the pilot went into the Mos Eisley Cantina once again and was sad, for he would have liked very much to marry a real princess.
The pilot did not want anyone to know of his secret mission, so he worked as a smuggler that he might be able to travel throughout the galaxy and search for princesses unnoticed. One day, a boy and an old man came into the Cantina, wanting him to give them and two droids a ride to Alderaan. He was secretly very very happy about this job, for surely there would be princesses at the regal planet of Alderaan. But before they could get to Alderaan, they were pulled in by a giant spacestation!
/Hmm/, Han thought.
They hid from the Imperials in some of Han's smuggling compartments, and after they left the ship the old man went off to disable the tractor beam. While he sat in the command office, waiting for the old man to return, Han argued with the kid about the old man until they were cut off by a suddenly psychotic R2 unit.
"What is it?" the kid asked the droid.
Han tuned them out until he heard the protocol droid's prissy voice say, "Princess Leia."
"The princess? She's here?" the kid asked.
"Princess?" Han inquired, perking up. There was a princess here? On an Imperial space station?
"Where...where is she?"
"What's going on?" Han demanded. His mind was racing. Could his real princess be here?
The protocol droid told them where the princess was and told them that she was to be executed.
"Oh, no!" the green farmboy said. "We've got to do something."
Han suddenly remembered he had a part to play: that of an uncaring smuggler. "What are you talking about?"
The kid went on with his heroic streak, finally tempting Han with money. This, Han knew, his type would jump on. And so, after he jumped upon the lure of money, they managed to rescue the princess, though they lost the old man to an evil Sith Lord in the process.
Boy, the princess was a sight. Though she wore regal white clothing, when she carried a gun Han knew she meant business. This was some princess.
After a while, Han managed to get alone in a room with the protocol droid, Threepio. Offhandedly, he asked, "So is she a real princess?"
"Why, yes, Captain Solo, she is a princess from the planet Alderaan-"
"Thanks," Han said, cutting him off and leaving the room.
Meanwhile, Chewbacca, who had been listening in the other room with his sharp ears, went into the sleeping quarters, took all the bedding off the bed, and laid a pea on the bottom. Finally, he put several thick mattresses and blankets onto the bed. This, Chewbacca knew, would determine whether or not the princess was Han's type. If she was black and blue all over her body after resting in the bed, then they would know for sure.
Chewbacca went into the cockpit, where everyone was sitting down. He saw the princess Leia yawning, and he gurgled a question.
Han translated, "He wants to know if you want to lie down and rest."
The princess thought for a moment, finally nodding. "Yes, I am."
She followed Chewbacca back to the sleeping quarters and laid down upon the rather odd-looking bed.
When she finally returned hours later, Han inquired, "How did you sleep?"
"Like a log," came the return.
Now Han and Chewbacca knew that she was a real princess, for she had not felt the pea through all of the bedding. Other princesses were so sensitive and weak and pathetic that they turned black and blue because of the pea.
Nobody but a real princess could be so hardy.
So the smuggler eventually took her for his wife, for now he knew that he had a real princess; and the pea was hidden in his smuggler compartments, where it may still be seen if you can get into the Millenium Falcon without getting caught, at least, if it hasn't rotted away or been stolen or been eaten by a very hungry Wookiee.
Come to think of it, that pea hasn't been seen for years....